Do you have an eating disorder or tendencies?

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Feel not hypocritical RayKay, I admire you immensely.

[RayKay]

Feel not hypocritical RayKay, I admire you immensely.

 

Awww, thanks

 

I know, I should not be too hard on myself because I also know that ED's are a lifelong struggle. Those whom don't have them never know really how difficult it is...you cannot just switch the thoughts off, or be happy with what you have.....it's a lot of "unlearning" to do! So some hypocrisy is inherent in that.

[miserableme]

I know I'm not over weight at 5'5 and 123 lbs. However, I do see a lot of fat when I look in the mirror. I am by no means underweight. I have recently been diagnosed with PCOS and I am told this is the reason I find it so hard to lose weight.

 

I do have A LOT of issues with food though. Ever since I was a little kid I refused to eat meat. As I got older I gradually cut out more and more foods out of my diet until now I'm a vegan who eats practically nothing. The idea of eating anything that comes from an animal makes me gag. I disguise this by saying that it's for animal rights or whatever. Unfortunately thats not how I am because I still wear leather, use products tested on animals etc.

 

I refuse to eat more than 1000 calories per day. I follow this religiously. If I do happen to eat something unhealthy, I just won't eat anything else for the rest of the day.

 

I won't eat anything that someone else has touched with their hands. I won't eat in front of people because I hate it when people comment on what I'm eating or ask if they can have some. I find ethnic foods really hard to stomach.

 

I have had times where I think I've eaten too much and I'd throw it back up. Unfortunately, because I eat so little, I don't have any energy to exercise which, makes me feel even worse.

 

Although I've had periods of depression in the past, I think I am all over a pretty happy person. My eating habits don't bother me as much as they bother other people. My friends won't ask me to come to dinner with them because I don't eat anything. If I do order something, I will almost always say I don't like it and pass it on to someone else.

 

Basically, I live off a few fruits and vegetables and grains. It annoys me that if most people ate what I ate then they would be skin and bones.

[RayKay]

miserableme,

 

If you eat too LITTLE your body goes into starvation mode, it learns to live on less and stores food. Your metabolism lowers as well. And of course, as you don't have energy to work out, you are burning very little.

 

I would also suspect you are HIGHLY malnourished, which further causes stress on your body, and means it stores whatever it can. If you are not getting any protein for example, your muscle tissue breaks down and you feel even worse. This is part of why you feel "soft" and "fat", because you have little muscle tissue and you store more body fat to keep warm and to well, not starve to death.

 

And...the obsession causes stress, and the stress hormones (cortisol) cause you to retain fat too.

 

Have you ever talked to a therapist? I do think you have some very unhealthy outlooks towards your relationship with food and nutrition.

 

I also suspect your diet further aggravates PCOS.

 

Of course, if you ate more, and were able to exercise, not only would your metabolism boost, but you would also store less as your body knew it would get to eat again. And, you would feel better about your body as you developed muscle tissue/leanness.

 

You can still be a vegan/vegetarian and be healthy and toned etc.

[miserableme]

I haven't spoken to anyone about it because I don't feel it's a big deal. No one seems to be concerned because I'm not underweight. I don't think I look unhealthy either. I have good skin and I have colour etc. I would feel really stupid talking to someone in person when they can't physically see I have a problem.

 

You are right though, I am malnourished. I had b12 deficiency recently that was quite serious (my b12 level was 77 and it should be well over 300). That has been treated now and my levels are up to 600. My iron levels are on the low end of normal and god knows what else is low! What scares me is I haven't had a period in about 7 months.

 

Even on days when I do try to eat a little more so I can exercise, I tend to get dizzy and I've passed out a couple of times. I do have a generally active lifestyle though. I do a lot of walking and standing in my job and that sort of thing. I just can't manage to exercise vigorously.

 

Anyway, this thread is not really about me. Hopefully one day I'll snap out of it

[RayKay]

It's a misconception that you have to be "underweight" to have an eating disorder.

 

Therapists whom are trained in these areas will not turn you away or laugh at you just because you are not underweight.

 

You are not going to just "snap out of it", sorry to say.

 

The fact you are not menstruating is also indicative of serious malnutrition. This definitely is a serious issue. Over time, you can run into even more issues - for example you can develop osteoporisis (even early onset) for example. I am sure you don't want to be dealing with broken hips at 40?

 

As for the exercise, well, you can't just eat more one day then exercise. Because you are so malnourished, and weakened (including your blood pressure and heart) it will take sustained nutritional intake to get up to a level where you can exercise without being dizzy.

 

I hope you decide to talk to someone, it is quite serious if you are that malnourished, and you are definitely not eating enough and that really is actually sabotaging your goals physically. It's also affecting your brain...when you don't get adequate nutrition, including carbohydrates for example, your brain turns obsessive and starts to "starve" as well, furthering the obsession.

[shes2smart]

I know I'm not over weight at 5'5 and 123 lbs. However, I do see a lot of fat when I look in the mirror. I am by no means underweight. I have recently been diagnosed with PCOS and I am told this is the reason I find it so hard to lose weight.

 

I have also been diagnosed with PCOS, and while I actually like being pretty much infertile (never wanted kids anyway) the excess weight can be a real pain in my ample behind.

 

I was diagnosed with PCOS after I went through the medical ED treatment program I mentioned in an earlier post, and after I had been working the Breaking Free program for a couple years. I always thought the PCOS was the punchline to it all -- I mean, here I was starving, stuffing, compulsively exercising for all the wrong reasons and generally making myself miserable and THERE WASN'T A WHOLE LOT I COULD DO ABOUT IT ANYWAY BECAUSE MY BODY IS GOING TO CARRY EXTRA WEIGHT BECAUSE OF THE PCOS! Ha-ha. Joke's on me. The Universe has a sick sense of humor.

 

Fortunately, so do I.

 

While I'm not as bad off as I was in my 20's (mentally & behavoir-wise in regard to food/eating), it's still hard some days. It's dawned on me that what I call a relapse and get my panties in a bunch about now would look like relative sanity for some folks who are just starting recovery. Right now, me & the dietician are working on my attitude toward exercise. My husband and I joined a gym about 2.5 years ago, and yes, I work out regularly (3-4x/week, cardio & weights) and I hate it with a passion. On a good week, I can manage to tolerate it, and I'm always aware that I need to do *something* physical on a regular basis but for the most part I think having my fingernails pulled out with rusty pliers might be more enjoyable. (I am the evil opposite of RayKay )

 

For me, the fact of the matter remains, that even if I starved myself stupid and exercised like a fiend, I'd still have some extra weight because of the genetic hand I was dealt. It's not an excuse to sit around and eat nothing but junk, but it is a reason to cut myself some slack, practice some acceptance toward my body and make sure I'm keeping my expectations realistic.

 

Speaking of RayKay....

 

It's a misconception that you have to be "underweight" to have an eating disorder.

 

Therapists whom are trained in these areas will not turn you away or laugh at you just because you are not underweight.

 

This is true. I've always been above the "normal/acceptable" weight range for my height (even at my thinnest...yet oddly enough, people trying to estimate my weight tend to guess about 30 lbs under the real number...go figure.) Neither my shrink back in my hometown or the dietician I see now made a big deal out of it. Instead we focused on my attitudes, beliefs and behaviors and how I came to adopt them, and how I could improve them.

 

This may not apply to you, but it may to others, so I'll throw it in for any other COEs who may be reading -- neither of my therapists suggested I lose weight. I was a bit concerned about this when I started seeing a dietician...you think, "dietician..oh, she's gonna tell me what to eat and how much and she's gonna say everything I want to eat is wrong, wrong, wrong!!" But she wasn't like that at all. Come to think of it, other than the first appointment, we haven't really talked about what to eat/amounts/calories/fat grams or anything like that.

 

That's what you need to look for if you're looking for help with an ED -- someone who gets that it's NOT really about food. That's just the symptom...and answer lies in addressing the cause of the problem.

 

RayKay is right....it never really goes away. As I'm discovering, my fall of the wagon was most likely triggered by the same series of events that caused my work-related mental meltdown about 3 years ago. (Oh, yes, that was a dandy....awake 42 hours straight - no sleep, culminating in barricading myself in the bathroom while I puked my guts up and screamed about how incompentent I was at my job...followed by a trip to the doc, a mandatory 2 week medical "vacation," (with a suggestion that maybe I needed to find another place to work) a prescription for anti-depressants, and an emergency appointment with my shrink.....really, it was a LOVELY way to spend the holidays. )

 

But every go-round I've had with the ED and the depression has always taught me a little bit more about myself and how strong and adaptable I really am. They're some really tough teachers, but the lessons they have taught me are more valuable than most of the lessons that came easier.

[miserableme]

Thanks RayKay and S2S. I appreciate what you have to say. I'm still in denial about even having a problem, that's why if feels so weird having people tell me I do. It makes me wonder how big I'd actually be if I ate normally.

 

It drives me insane when girls who are actually skinny try and lose weight. If they had any idea how hard I try. Although I also know there are more important things going on in the world than my narrow minded view of food. It's not even approval from other people that I'm looking for. I'd love to be happy with my appearance. I'd also love to love food.

 

The truth is, I hate food. The only reason I eat is because I'll die if I don't. So many foods remind me of gross things that I can't even visualize eating them eg. fries remind me of amputated limbs, bread reminds me of crickets, milk reminds me of pus. I always manage to psych myself out of not eating. I don't even know where this came from. My parents could never work it out. Even if I were skinny I think I'd still hate food. So hear I sit eating my plate of plain boiled vegetables and nearly gagging.

 

I almost wish there were a name for my issue with food so I that I wouldn't feel so alone about it. It obviously doesn't fit in with the classic criteria for an eating disorder. Maybe I'm just a lunatic!

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

MM, at your weight and height you don't sound even close to overweight. I think you should ease up on yourself.

 

I used to work in a health club and there were a couple women in there who were very clearly anorexic. One in particular was so thin you literally could see sharp facial bones poking right out under the thin skin of her face, and the same as the rest of the body. She wasn't simply 'slim' like maybe Heidi Klum, or Cindy Crawford. This woman appeared to be on death's door. It was really sad. And she kept excercising and weighing herself. I told my superisor, and I'm not sure if anyone ever got involved or not. I was under the impression they were supposed to, but I wasn't sure. You don't want to end up like that, it's a slippery slope.

[miserableme]

MM, at your weight and height you don't sound even close to overweight. I think you should ease up on yourself.

 

I used to work in a health club and there were a couple women in there who were very clearly anorexic. One in particular was so thin you literally could see sharp facial bones poking right out under the thin skin of her face, and the same as the rest of the body. She wasn't simply 'slim' like maybe Heidi Klum, or Cindy Crawford. This woman appeared to be on death's door. It was really sad. And she kept excercising and weighing herself. I told my superisor, and I'm not sure if anyone ever got involved or not. I was under the impression they were supposed to, but I wasn't sure. You don't want to end up like that, it's a slippery slope.

 

No no not at all! I don't even think I'm overweight. I think I'm average at best. Although, I do have a pretty small bone structure. I just feel like if I were somebody else (without the PCOS and the metabolism damage) that I would be so much thinner. I would be ecstatic if I could get to 115 lbs but the weight just won't budge. Also I don't want to gain weight in order to lose weight.

[shes2smart]

I almost wish there were a name for my issue with food so I that I wouldn't feel so alone about it. It obviously doesn't fit in with the classic criteria for an eating disorder. Maybe I'm just a lunatic!

 

There are very few people with ED's who fit a textbook description...that's why you've seen 2 of us refer to a diagnosis of EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified).

 

This is a link to a site that has a ton of info on ED's and recovery.

 

Something Fishy homepage: link removed

A description of EDNOS: link removed

Descriptions of other types of ED's (you may want to pay particular attention to what they call "Orthorexia Nervosa"...it's about 2/3 down the page): link removed

 

Denial is part of the disease....but you seem to have some awareness that your attitude & behavior toward food is askew and is getting in the way of you having a reasonably happy & content life. Perhaps with a bit more research and information, you will find yourself more likely to seek out help.

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

MM, at your weight/height ratio, though I don't think there's any need for you to be struggling to get thinner. 5'5" and 123 seems plenty thin.

[AnotherBrokenDoll]

I'm not anorexic or bulimic but i to go without food some days. I feel so fat and ugly when i eat like everyone is watching me because im so big and don't deserve to eat like regular people. I feel proud when i dont eat and i become angry when i do. I've tried throwing up but some how i can't make myself!

[Hecate]

I'm 5'8" and weigh 121 lbs and I absolutely loathe myself when i eat. Luckily I have a high metabolism because I can't go longer than a day without eating. I can't stand the sight of myself in the mirror, i may have a thinnish waist but i have the dumpiest arms and legs of anyone! It's sickening!

[iamteddybearfeelmecuddle]

I'm 5'8" and weigh 121 lbs and I absolutely loathe myself when i eat. Luckily I have a high metabolism because I can't go longer than a day without eating. I can't stand the sight of myself in the mirror, i may have a thinnish waist but i have the dumpiest arms and legs of anyone! It's sickening!

 

It sounds like you do not have any need to lose weight, but maybe you'd be happier with your appearance if you just did a little bit of toning excercises.