First Post-- heartbroken and looking for support

[tobetterdays]

hello everyone..im glad i found this site. my girlfriend (soon to be fiance) broke up with be very abrubtly 5 weeks ago. We dated for 3.5 years--and had amazing times..even up until the weekend she broke up with me. I have been under a tremendous amt of stress working full time and going to graduate school full time and probably interjected this stress into the relationship.. im 27 shes 28. to make a long story short, she told me she was no longer happy--although she told my sister she loves me more than anything in the world--just one week beforehand. we did have some dividing issues, that i was willing to work through.. she said she was "emotionally drained and couldnt. i only called her one time since and sent her a long letter 2 weeks after explaining how much i loved her and how sorry i was for taking things for granted. she NC ever since the day she broke up with me. i then find out she is dating somebody a week later... fn devastating..after i find this out, i have started my own nc and its been 5 weeks. i went out with class, grace, and dignity, and wished her well before i went on my own NC

 

i really am not looking for answers to what she did, i will probably never know these answers and i have to accept that.i know i treated her great, loved her more than anything, loyal, respectful, made her laugh hysterical, and showed her so much about life....and this new guy has some big shoes to fill. i just couldnt provide the stability she wanted due to my schooling and career change. everyone tells me i am a great catch..etc.. but i feel awful.. the rejection is unbearable at times. my self esteem is non existent, i feel unattactive, i feel incapable of trusting another woman.. i am a shell, trying to get by each day. she is on my mind all day long--every minute. i dream of her...but i do know that i did have some doubts..they were real doubts. and the way she handled this embolden my doubts.

 

i really am trying to move on with my life. i start student teaching in 2 weeks and i am a mess right now. lost 10 pounds, can't really sleep.. i know that true love does not bail on you the way she did, and leave me in the dust..jumping into somebody else's arms.. to me, that is really weak and i now realize i overestimated a lot about her. i know i can never take her back after hurting me like this. so now i need to move on..im just struggling.

 

anyhow..just wanted to tell my story..and introduce myself.

 

 

[desertnomad]

Hi and welcome to ena. Your story is absolutely so similiar to mine in alot of ways. I just posted my first post a few days ago on here. My ex broke up with me after 3.5 years in late June. We had moved accross country together and things were going better than they had been. She meant eveything to me and I planned on spending the rest of my life with her. We had been looking for a house to buy and had just gone to disneyland and had a great time. She bailed all of the sudden just like yours and started NC. I found out later she met someone on the internet and went off on a road trip with him the day she left me! You can read my post if you want more details. Like you I have been a mess. I actually lost 30 pounds in 6 weeks and everything your describing is very familiar to me as far as not sleeping. I too had my doubts about her honesty and committment but of course I just pushed them aside and never thought she could do this to me. Its funny how we ignore the nagging little doubts and think its just us but in the end we should have been a bit more careful. You sounded like you treated her great. I made mistakes with my ex in previous years but loved her alot and told her that twice everyday. What you want is a women who will stay with you despite anything (outside of abuse of course) just because she loves you. yeah women want stability but you were on your way and it takes time. Just like my ex she needed some more things to improve between us but you dont just bail on people it takes time. Seems like me and you both overestimated our ex's and their ability to be strong. I know how you feel about being a shell. I have been like a ghost of my previous self just going through the motions of life not really caring to much wishing some days it would all just end. The only comfort I have found is in talking to people I know like family. But the real comfort I look for some days ...from her...I know will never happen. Hang in there I know its tough as hell. Its funny I was working full time and going to grad. school also which I thought would mean something to her but it didnt at all apparently even after graduating.

[Bounder]

I am sorry you are feeling so much pain. Time heals, at least i hope so. The good thing is that you have identified this action by her as a dealbreaker....so if she came back, you wouldnt want her back, right? That will help you move on too. My ex left me last summer, was with another guy while I was home visiting family and broke a 3.5 yr relationship over the phone. She came back 6 months later, and for some reason, i took her back, but it was never the same. Good for you for identifying your own feelings about all of this. We're here to listen, chin up buddy

[tobetterdays]

hey,

thanks for the support. sorry to hear about your situation as well. luckily for me, this happened before i was about to move my entire life to accommodate her career.

you are totally right about not bailing on somebody you love like that. after 3.5 years, i think i deserved at least a civil conversation after an extremely emotional face to face break up. we were both hysterical and incapable of communicating. i figured after the dust settled, we could talk..everyone who knew us were absolutely dumbfounded and assured me that i would eventually talk to her..well now that is not the case..and it will baffle me for years to come. i am trying to work on myself, hitting the gym, playing my guitar, doing well in school. focusing on my goals--which were to graduate and get a teaching job after years of working in a field i hated. success is the best revenge.. i really need to stop thinking about her, but i can't. part of my wants her to realize she made a big mistake, but part of me wants her to never call me again because i know if she did, it would be really mess me up.

 

one day at a time....

i know i have a lot to offer somebody who will truly love me for who i am, despite my imperfections.

i just need to take comfort in that...as hard as it is

[Bounder]

It is helpful to think about what you would do differently next time though. Not to get her back, but to make sure you are the best you can be for someone. I have reflected lots and I realized I made a lot of mistakes, and that maybe she wasnt quite justified leaving the way she did, but I made it easier for her by being emotionally unavailable sometimes because i was buried in thesis work or what not.

 

You are right, you are worth loving and cherishing. Dont EVER let what your ex has done define that, no matter how hard it may be. I think you were on the right track by taking control of your end of this in deciding that what she did was wrong and that it changed your view of her, but it is also hard then to justify the last few years of being with her if suddenly you have rejected her love, too. I am struggling with that. If this person could do such a hurtful thing, what made you fall in love in the first place, and how we can trust that love in the future?

[Wimpy]

Woah! I thought that what happened to me was bad - but it pails into insignificance when I read of your story - although I believe everyone's own private hell is theirs to deal with.

 

It's been 16 months since my ex dumped me in an e-mail and I can honestly say that in the early days I really doubted I would EVER be the same again. It was a hell I hope I never have to go through again.

 

The sad part is that you can't "fast-trak" it, you have to work through it and slowly, but surely it WILL get better. There are loads of people here who will confirm that.

 

The most important thing will be to look after yourself and take the time you need. I'm in my 30's and crazy as it is this guy was my first true love and I really believed it was going to last forever but like you now I see that I ignored warning signs because I didn't want to face the possibility that he didn't feel the same or that it might not end the way I wanted it to.

 

Now, all this time on I'm happier being on my own than I have been in a long-time. Speaking personally, what happened last year deeply hurt me and affected me and how I feel about the whole thing of relationships - I'd rather be single forever than go through the hell of last year....but that's just me - loads of people go on to find their soul-mates. The one thing that's kept me sane is that I handled myself with dignity. Apart from an e-mailed reply 2 weeks after his devastating one, I have had no contact with him. Well, I did send a very quick e-mail when I discovered he was still getting mail sent to my home but I don't count that as contact. I ignored his final e-mail "justifying" what he did....never even acknowledged receipt. The ball has been in my court all this time - I have been sorely tempted to write and tell him a million things but in the end I've never sent one - in years to come my dignity and the fact that I behaved decently and properly will keep me sane.

 

Hold onto that and I promise you will get better but it will take time.

 

For a long time EVERY day I asked "why" .... "how could he".... now I think "he did it and I'll never understand how or why"... the best revenge in cases like this is to get on with your life and that's exactly what I'm doing.

[blemished]

Wow Wimpy, you are anything but! What an inspiration.

 

To the OP and other male posters, I read your posts and I do not understand. I would kill to have such a dedicated boyfriend. I've had 2 LTR's and both men bailed on me like your ex did to you. As a result, I've become bitter about someone ever committing to me (yes I am sane and did nothing to drive them away), and skeptical about men in general. Like Wimpy, I would rather be alone than be heartbroken a 3rd time. I am 4.5 months off a 2.5+ yr relationship, and I am still in hell.

Wimpy is right, all you can do is keep on going with your life and stop communication with the past.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I just wrote a long post about my story. After knowing the man for 4 years, he disappears off the face of the earth for a few months and then next thing I know, I am reading about his engagement in a newsletter. He probably was seeing her while we were still in contact and didn't have the integrity to let me know.

[Bounder]

Blemished,

 

I think it just proves that people can be mean and selfish on either end of the gender fence. I sometimes wonder if there is a certain type of male that sets themself up for these things...we seem to be educated, kind and generous....thus the nice guys finish last cliché. Who knows? Love can be rough on both sides, male and female. I still think its worth it though....holding it in like wimpy did isnt always the best solution, everyone deals with their grief and hurt their own way....there is no right way, but there are ways that can get you stuck in a cycle.

 

Also, what we put here is our version of events, as a historian i know full well that the other party has their own version of me, where I am self centred on my work instead of passionate about my career, that I am egocentric and value my friends more than her, instead of trying to keep balance in my life. But our stories, and versions of them, matter to us, and thats enough. Places like these are soooo helpful, and I hope we all can help each other....

[Wimpy]

....holding it in like wimpy did isnt always the best solution, everyone deals with their grief and hurt their own way....there is no right way, but there are ways that can get you stuck in a cycle.

 

 

Interesting...I don't think "I held it in" but then I'm not sure I'm viewing that phrase the same way.....I got his e-mail on a Sunday night and was off work for 3 weeks with depression....I was a wreck and I cried but I just died inside. I couldn't do anything - those 3 weeks were dark times indeed.

 

What I held in was my dignity. I wrote many letters and e-mails expressing how I felt..I simply didn't send them. However I now realise that writing them and expressing my innermost feelings was therapeutic.

 

Please don't think I am advocating the old british "stiff upper lip" far from it - this is one of those times when you have to deal with it in your way and in your own time.

 

Does that clarify things????

[Wimpy]

Wow Wimpy, you are anything but! What an inspiration.

 

To the OP and other male posters, I read your posts and I do not understand. I would kill to have such a dedicated boyfriend. I've had 2 LTR's and both men bailed on me like your ex did to you. As a result, I've become bitter about someone ever committing to me (yes I am sane and did nothing to drive them away), and skeptical about men in general. Like Wimpy, I would rather be alone than be heartbroken a 3rd time. I am 4.5 months off a 2.5+ yr relationship, and I am still in hell.

Wimpy is right, all you can do is keep on going with your life and stop communication with the past.

 

 

Thanks for the kind words - that made me feel good

[desertnomad]

This was my second time also with some other harsh breakups in between. A friend asked me why do I always pick the same time of women? And I dont know what the answer is. That definition of insanity keeps running through my head... Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I can see similarities between all my relationships. I am getting help for myself so that I am healthy so I can learn to recognize the healthy people to be with. that doesnt excuse other people for their actions and abandoning people they claim to love. some people are just serial abandoners like my ex..this wasnt her first time leaving someone like that. But I still want to be with someone I just want to be healthier so I pick better. Sometimes though I just want to give up on everything.

[tobetterdays]

Thx for all of the responses.

I will never understand how she can just flick the switch. I know this other guy, if anything, gave her the strength and resolve to do this. If he wasn't in the picture, I know she would never be able to just shut me out like that. Well, I think I deserve more respect than that. At least be honest with me. I beat myself up mercilessly for weeks about, what if i did this, that and the other thing differently. I know i was moody at times and stressed, but true love won't cut and run like that. At least have the decency to have a talk about it. That hurts so bad. But it also shows me that i she was not right for me.

I am taking comfort in all of you that say it will get easier, because right now, that is hard to believe.

I truly loved this girl, thought she loved me the same..she told me sister she wanted to marry me in the spring...she just didnt want to pressure me while i was finishing my degree. i was totally blindsided.

But i know i am strong enough to get through this. Even though i shouldnt care, i want her to see just how strong i am and how im handling this. I will no longer let her make me think it was all my fault.

Hopefully went she will come to grips with this once her exciting new guy turns out to be half the man i was with her.

By then, i am hoping i am in a better place. if she ever calls, which i don't think she will have the guts to, i am hoping i will not even care. the opposite of love is indifference...so they say.

[desertnomad]

When I read your posts it seems like I am reading my very own thoughts in a way. I beat myself up to for many weeks and still do. I agree this other guy totally played with her mind and twisted everything around to her and his benefit. A decent person wouldnt have done that. Same thing happened to me and I see his posts on another website about how awful her ex was even though he doesnt mention me specifically. What he says and what she says now are completely false about me and our relationship. yea we had issues but nothing out of the ordinary that couldnt be worked out. The blaming the other person for everything is just totally lame. And who doesnt get moody and stressed? The thing I cant understand is how someone can be so double minded. Saying one week they are going to marry you and the next week leave. In her goodbye note my ex told me she wanted to have kids with me so badly and wanted to give me the family I never had. The night before she told me she wanted us to be a stronger family me, her and her daughter. I said ok great we should work on communicating better with each other then. Didnt get a response to that and the next day she left.

[tobetterdays]

i dont know...i just really depressed and angry..this is awful.

i hope i will eventually feel better

[desertnomad]

I hear ya. It is awful for sure. the worst thing is all the memories of the great times and you think how the hell could we have broken up after sharing memories like that..it helps to talk thats all i have discovered

[tobetterdays]

it is nice to communicate with people who can relate.

the thought of her with some other guy fresh out of our 3.5 relationship makes me sick to my stomach. but i know i need to stop thinking about it.

i know i cannot compete with somebody fresh and exciting, given out recent turmoil..but for her abandon me, NC me, and then i find out she is seeing another guy---it hurts

 

i really hope i can move on

[Bounder]

You WILL man, just dont expect it to be constant progress. You will have bad days, the nightmares of her with the new man will come and go, but just keep going. Its not worth it in the long run. Thats what I tell myself. You ever hear of the artist K-Os? he has a song about getting back to the man you used to be

 

I tried it, I couldn't find it

Now I just wanna get back to me

Aww baby, hoo hoo

Back into the man I used to be

 

 

Get back to the man you were before you met your ex, add everything you have picked up that is good since then, and you are MORE man than you were before, with or without her. Focus on you, not her and what she is doing. You matter now, its okay to be selfish in the scnario. Focus on what makes you feel good. For me it was loving people- my friends, people i touched by volunteering, my family, It was also about chasing my passions (biking, academics, skiing and theatre). Make the path of life your own and no one else's for now....

[tobetterdays]

thanks man.

today is a very bad day so far..the mornings always seem worse.

one thing i realize is that i can never be with her again. there is a right way and a wrong way to do things. to break up with me after 3.5 years and NC me is downright cruel...and i will resent her for it for a long time. she tries blaming me to justify her actions..and i believed her for a while..not any more. she was supposed to be in my sister's bridal party, and ignored a heartfelt email to my sister wishing her the best. I never thought in a million years that she had this in her.

 

i don't ever want to talk to her again. it is her loss because i am truly a good guy who would've died for her if i had to.

[Bounder]

Yeah, waking up alone is hard at first. Try making breakfast dates with friends to force you to get up and get out there without laying in bed feeling miserable too long. It might help. Once they break up with us, they do what they feel will make it easiest, not necessarily the best, way to move on. Chin up man

[desertnomad]

I can relate to that. this morning was hell for me. Its hard waking up alone. it gets a little better when you get to work.

[tobetterdays]

yeah..im feeling a little better.. how the hell can you stop thinking about this!

it consumes my every thought..

[desertnomad]

I wish I had the answer to that..I think about her alot of the time and still cant break away from her website but when I was in tears alot before there are not many of those now so maybe thats something positive. I dont know how i will ever stop being in love with her though.

[tobetterdays]

hey man,

one thing i have done, and which i wholeheartedly suggest, is to stop looking at her website - or anything that makes you think of her.. infact, remove everything from your life that reminds you of her. i threw out all of her gifts, pictures, deleted videos, and put away all music that reminds me of her...although she is still stuck in my mind, she is no where else to be found. it has helped me tremendously. i did this all one night after i watched a video clip of us on a hiking trip..it tore me to shreds for days--to hear us laughing together..just to hear her voice..it set me back significantly. as painful as it was to do, i had to expunge my environment of any triggers that will upset me. you are torturing yourself by looking at her website, even if it doesnt upset you as much as it used to....i know it is hard, as u can see, im struggling myself.. but i know it is impossible to look at stuff like that and move on

[desertnomad]

Well I totally agree with you but still find it hard not to look at her pictures on the site. you just reminded me that I have videos of my ex also and that would just kill me to look at those. I can see how that would set you back many days..I threw out all the gifts she gave me..a few kind of expensive and that actually felt good. There are alot of moments when the only thought that goes through my head is that I would really rather not have to live this life anymore. Not that I am suicidal Im not just that this hell doesnt seem worth it.