Grass is greener on the other side or is it???

[Bounder]

Hey tamara,

 

Your pm and e-mail functions werent working, so I posted here, sorry for clogging the thread.

 

My ex and I were together four years this summer. We had a major bump in the road 3 years ago when i cheated on her while abroad (I had a freak out about where I was going in life one night), but called her and confessed the next day and we both worked like a dog to get things back on solid ground, which they were....so I thought. When we fought she would bring up my mistake, saying she couldnt get over it, and then take it back a few days later and things would be ok again for a long while. I was crucicfied many time sfor it, and did my best to say I was sorry....but eventually I forgave myself. And I felt she wanted to forgive me

 

In March of last year, she freaked on me, drove up (she lives two hours away, we commutte and spend summers together) and said I wasnt what she wanted, that I was too ambitious with my academics, that she wanted to live more, have no strings, be selfish and explore, and that my life was too planned out. Of course, it was end of semester and the stress was piling up for both of us, so I assumed she needed space. I dropped everything, went to counseling, worked on myself and she came back a few weeks later after a long talk about what I wanted to change and what she wanted to change. At one point during the break up she told me she hooked up witha guy the day after we broke up. And when I hung up on her she called me back to say she had made it up, she just wanted me to get over her.

 

When she said she wanted me baclk afew weeks later, I asked about that night and she said she had never been with anyone else, couldnt do it, not after what I had done and how it felt. So, we were off to the races, trying new things, travelling etc. I dropped my thesis work to put more time in us, did more romantic things, and got a lot of great times and "your the best boyfriend" for it. She, however, seemed to be getting more chaotic, rejected for her masters program, denied a job she wanted...no plan and scared. Then, I leave for a short holiday with family, she emails me every day saying she misses me, and one night about a week in calls me at my hotel to say that a guy had tried to kiss her but she ran away. Then she pushed me into talking about where we were going, how come I didnt talk about marriage, why wasnt I willing to move to Korea if she went (she had mentioned this once). I said I didnt realize that Korea was that important, we could talk about it when I got back, and that I wanted to marry her, but we needed to focus on us and building a base again for now.

 

A week later she calls me to break up with me again. I was "not the one for her right now" even though I had been "amazing"; she was still having doubts. Said she had compromised her values by taking me back 3 years ago. Says there was no one else, just needs to think of herself. I try hard to be there for her, then one of my friends warns me that she was fooling around with a guy, and that when I came back she would pop it on me.

 

 

I confronted her and she denied cheating on me, but admitted that she had a new guy. That gave me the anger I needed to try and move on, but i missed her, a lot. It was a rough two months or healing. I met someone eventually, dated for a while, but it didnt work out, she had some eating disorder issues and wasnt really emotionally available.

 

Then, shortly after that break up my ex showed up again (four months after our break up. she just showed up at my place, unannounced. I didnt know what to do, so i let her in. We just looked at each other and then she started crying and said she messed up, that she wants to try, and that shes sorry, and that she couldnt go on without being able to at least say she tried. We decided to go for a walk and had a talk and she seems very sincere about working to get me back, to work on things, and I guardedly said okay, I am curious and am not closing the door. We hung out again last night, ended up sleeping together after she made me dinner at her apt. seeing her place was hard, where she had met the other guy, all the wild imaginings I had all summer, but it slowly got better.

 

Then we came back to my place where she stayed the night and we talked until like 4 am. She told me abunch fo stuff that maybe I shouldnt have known, like that the guys she dated while we broke up wasnt that great in bed, and that after he dumped her she slept with four other guys, but that it didnt mean anything, it was just sex. And I felt like saying, well it means somthing to me, because giving myself to you is very special, and apparently its not treated the same. She sensed this and tried to explain that it wasnt the same, that we made love, and that we had chemistry and blah blah, all that warm fuzzy stuff. How come I I had trouble believing it? I still dont understand why she came back, and whether I can trust her anymore, or if she is even the girl i feel in love with three years ago anymore.

 

Well, I agreed to try, but it was hard. I never told my parents we were back together. It was too hard after the shattering effect her dumping me while I was at home had on me (in front of my parents, i was a wreck that summer). I was overly cautious, didnt like talking long term and I had frequent nightmares about her taking off with someone else again. I loved her, but was trapped in my world of hurt and anger. She sensed this too and by spring agreed to a short break. I ended it in July, though i am still not sure it was the right decision. A week after we broke up, she had a new boyfriend and just told me a week ago she is moving with him to Montreal.

 

Thats my story in a nut shell, and I am single and confused right now. Phew. Any similiarities? Words of advice? Let us know how you're doing, we're here if you need it.

[tamara78]

To Tyler - yes actions speak louder than words and that is exactly the reason why I am having such a hard time accepting that he doesn't care about me. As I said we are in a long distance relationship at the moment. When we are together, his ACTIONS very clearly state that he wants to be with me, loves me and cares about me. It is only when we are apart for extended periods of time that he SAYS that he no longer wants a relationship. But the bottom line is - he said it and there's no denying it...and I am very confused.

 

Bounder - thanks so much for sharing the story.

 

As for your story - I think you were so right in breaking it off with this girl. It seems that she has serious self esteem problems in always depending on attention from different guys to feed her ego. I don't think you would ever have had a peace of mind with her and would have always wondered if she was cheating on you with someone else. Good on you for having the strength to tell her goodbye and seeing that she has already found herslef someone new and is already planning a move to Montreal...well, the farther away she is from you, the better.

 

My boyfriend is an entirely different story. The fact that we are currently apart means that I have no way of actually talking to him face to face for another 10 days. I don't really know what he feels is the problem in our relationship or with me, or whatever else may be the case. I think I deserve some kind of an explanation but am not sure how to approach him. We haven't even spoken about the break up except via e-mail (one e-mail from him to me and one from me to him 4 days ago). I have not pleaded with him or acted clingy in any way. Any advice on how I should proceed? PM me if you want - it should work now.

[moonunit]

I don't know chai714 , i think in some cases this is the case. my ex literally told me he wanted to see what else was out there BUT wanted me to wait around while he checked it out. he's a 34 - though i was his first serious (and long term) relationship.

 

I know my case has many complex twists and turns, but I'm pretty convinced it was defn a let's see if the grass is greener complex.

 

the thing is...he's found out it wasn't.

[tamara78]

Yes Moonunit, that is exactly the same as my situation. I think it really is the case of just seeing if the grass is greener. He KNOWS that what we have is special but the desire or whatever it is is still there. And he too wants me to hang about - be there as a friend while he checks it out.

 

Moonunit - what happened in the end in your case? Did he come back and of so, after how long?

[chai714]

If someone is selfish enough to risk losing someone they love, then they must not truly care about you. Love means they're looking out for your best interest. Leaving you to "explore" other women is not in your best interest. Is it?

 

I won't debate this any more.

 

I just hope that you find someone who really loves you whether it be your ex or someone else. Good luck.

[Donster]

This makes me wonder...how often does the grass actually turn out to be greener? You always hear anecdotes about it not being greener, but there must be some "success" stories too (if you want to call it a success). It would be really interesting to see how often it turns out to be true. 50-50? (btw, I am also a victim of grass is greener syndrome, which is why I am so curious!).

 

------------

On an aside, these discussions of grass is greener always makes me think of this great country song:

 

Artist/Band: Walker Clay

Lyrics for Song: Then What

Lyrics for Album: Rumor Has It

 

Well I got a good friend who's got a good life

He's got two pretty children and a real nice wife

But he never seems quite satisfied

I said I know what's on your mind

But you better think about it before you cross that line

The grass aint always greener on the other side

 

Then what, what you gonna do

When the new wears off and the old shines through

And it aint really love and it aint really lust

You aint anybody anyone's gonna trust

Then what, where you gonna turn

When you cant turn back for the bridges you burn

And fate can't wait to kick you in the butt

Then what

 

Well I aint saying that looking's a crime

Well I've done my share from time to time

It dont mean that you gotta take that leap

When you're standin' on the brink

Before you jump you gotta step back and think

There's price for ever promise you dont keep

 

Then what, what you gonna do

When the new wears off and the old shines through

And it aint really love and it aint really lust

You aint anybody anyone's gonna trust

Then what, where you gonna turn

When you cant turn back for the bridges you burn

And fate can't wait to kick you in the butt

Then what

 

Do want you want, do want you wish

It's your life but remember this

There's bound to be some consequences

Sneaking under other fences

 

Then what, what you gonna do

When the new wears off and the old shines through

And it aint really love and it aint really lust

You aint anybody anyone's gonna trust

Then what, where you gonna turn

When you cant turn back for the bridges you burn

And fate can't wait to kick you in the butt

Then what

[RayKay]

This makes me wonder...how often does the grass actually turn out to be greener? You always hear anecdotes about it not being greener, but there must be some "success" stories too (if you want to call it a success). It would be really interesting to see how often it turns out to be true. 50-50? (btw, I am also a victim of grass is greener syndrome, which is why I am so curious!).

 

Well, I guess it all depends what kind of grass they are looking for, you know? I think if they are unhappy in the relationship...the grass will turn out greener for them.

 

On a similar note, when I was dumped for "greener grass" in the last relationship (the greener grass being the single life), I found my own greener, lush, colourful, tropical plant filled, birds singing, crickets chirping yard.

[tylercdurden2004]

Tamara:

To Tyler - yes actions speak louder than words and that is exactly the reason why I am having such a hard time accepting that he doesn't care about me. As I said we are in a long distance relationship at the moment. When we are together, his ACTIONS very clearly state that he wants to be with me, loves me and cares about me. It is only when we are apart for extended periods of time that he SAYS that he no longer wants a relationship. But the bottom line is - he said it and there's no denying it...and I am very confused.

 

Even in LDRs ACTION matter. This is the difficulty with LDR is that you are not there to see the ACTIONS. However you can still pick up on certain actions even subtle ones.

 

When I broke up with my ex(we were in LDR) it started when my suspicions were aroused by some abnormal behaviour. The fact that she didnt respond to an email I sent and when we talked on the phone a few days later I asked if she had got my email. She said yes, I asked why she hadnt responded and her answer was that she was too busy. I could have taken this at face value but condidering the facts:

 

-She always responded to my emails and I to hers the next day.

-If she had time to READ it she certainly had time to respond. Especially in a LDR where communication is very important.

 

I gave a couple of days to think it over. It ended up that she had a case of Green-itis and I was supposed to go to her country in 3 weeks. I dumped her then and there told I would not be visiting her. She went so far as to say that I had to visit her "for us" as she put it.

[moonunit]

chai714 i wasn't trying to debate this subject with you. i was just saying that there were cases of grass=greener syndrome - well in my world at least where my mate literally told me this is what he wanted to do. hold on but let go. it was very selfish and tells me he was not ready to be in a relationship even though at the time he thought he was. it was his first true relationship. i don't like it. i think hes a ja and a coward. i think he's selfish and immature in a way. but i understand it. BUT i wasn't going to stay which is why i walked out the moment i found out - no where to go but i knew that it wasn't right.

 

If someone is selfish enough to risk losing someone they love, then they must not truly care about you. Love means they're looking out for your best interest. Leaving you to "explore" other women is not in your best interest. Is it?

 

oh GOD NO. defn not. i was just saying that the grass = greener syndrome imo did exist for some. although i do think that some just don't know what love is or that youve to work on it sometimes. it's just not all roses 100% of the time.

 

tamara78 I don't know if my ex exactly knows/knew what we had was special. i wont ever give him that much credit because what chai stated above.

 

mine had a lot of circumstances involved. oddly enough i'm maintained good relationships with all of the mutual friends (ie his friends), was hard at first but they kept hounding me - guess i was worth it to them. it's a good thing. i'm even friends with someone he dated a couple of times and she gave me her insight from her point of view. basically let's just say at 34, he's just not ready for a mature relationship with anyone. he's a bit socially inept and has some serious mama boy issues.

 

i began nc with him in march (a year after our breakup). i hear things here and there but have started not to care. some of the things i've heard (from his friends / not mine who are biased now) helped me understand his mind...he just has a lot of growing to do. someone also told me that they didn't understand us together as i was full of life and he was kind of a dead zone. i'd heard this before but shrugged it off. i understand this now though.

 

funny enough some of them are trying to set me up with other guys they know who are further along in the relationship maturity level than he was. and the 'being alive' level. it's a good thing.

 

he's checked my myspace account here and there (i've hidden isp trackers throughout) but other than that, no word from him...which has been a great thing. let him wallow in what he created. i'd rather not hear from him but i've a feeling i will probably within the next year or so. curiosity killed the cat. i've blocked him from emailing me.

 

just listen to the others 'actions speak louder than words'. words are bullsh - sometimes. esp in matters such as this.

 

i loved him. there will always be a piece of my heart that truly loved this man...but i don't need him. i just wanted him. but not at the price of being someone he came back to when he found out the grass was not as green as he thought. fame can be a huge illusion some people get it...others will learn it. he's learning. albeit slowly. but...it's too late.

[moonunit]

On a similar note, when I was dumped for "greener grass" in the last relationship (the greener grass being the single life), I found my own greener, lush, colourful, tropical plant filled, birds singing, crickets chirping yard.

 

YES! Me too!! I mean I'm not in a relationship (nor do I want to be but i do date) but man, did the rainbows finally come out for me and the sun's been making my garden so green it's blinding. i'm really kind of enjoying it.

[happyninja75]

i just need to ad something here, i think everyonr has good points here. but that being said my mother is a counsler and we have had some chats about my ex, the best thing for yourself is to just move on and make yourself a better person and learn from your mestakes in the relationship. then when you meet that next person you will even have more to offer to them. that being said there are some shady people out there, i see woman and men getting comfy in there relationships and then little things start to anoy them like you leave your laundry on the floor or you snore when you sleep. or you dont buy them enough jewlry. and then they start complaining to other people like of the oppisite sex and they rip you appart saying they can do better and that they would do this and that for them so now all the sudden the mole hill is now a mountain. and they think there has to be better out there now for sure, i know what you guys are going to say to that, that people who really are in love wont leave there partners, but it happens all the time and in time they regret there decsisions. but thats where working on yourself does come in, and being a better person for yourself. and yes i agree with raykay and chai, there is someone out there that wont do that to you, because they wont want to take that chance. we all make stupid choices in life and so did some of are ex's there growing and learning from there mestakes to. i hope my rant kinda makes sense to someone. im at work so i am typing fast. lol

[tylercdurden2004]

see woman and men getting comfy in there relationships and then little things start to anoy them like you leave your laundry on the floor or you snore when you sleep. or you dont buy them enough jewlry.

 

Yes and getting comfy or should I say taking the other person for granted is a big relationship killer. However if you snore and the person doesnt like it, chances are they never liked it even in the beginning tehy just covered up there displeasure. So really you had no idea what they were like because they covered it up.

 

Dont buy them enough jewellry? Do you really want to date someone like that who would be mad because you dont buy them something? So what happens when you go backrupt and cant buy them the things they want?

 

and then they start complaining to other people like of the oppisite sex and they rip you appart saying they can do better and that they would do this and that for them so now all the sudden the mole hill is now a mountain. and they think there has to be better out there now

 

First off healthy people in a healthy relationship dont complain to others and certainly not other who might have a vested interest in the realtionship not working out. Sabotage one might say. Second, healthy people in a healthy relationship dont take what people outside the relationship say as gospel. Sure they may listen but they make their own informed decisions. If thats what they end up thinking then good riddance. I certainly wouldnt want to be married to a girl who was soooo easily influenced.

 

for sure, i know what you guys are going to say to that, that people who really are in love wont leave there partners, but it happens all the time and in time they regret there decsisions.

 

Sure people regret lots of decisions. Thats not the issue here. Should someone take a dumper who had green-itis back because they felt regret? They might regret for many things, the new greener didnt work out as planned (wasnt so green), they hurt the exes feelings, they are unsure of themselves, they dont want to be single and alone etc etc etc.

 

Love and a realtionship are two totally different things. They are related and ultimately you have both together. No point in having a relationship with out love. But a relationship is THE LOGICAL PARTNER TO LOVE. That is you can love anyone you can love bunch of people but for a relationship to be strong and healthy it has to make logical sense, always.

[happyninja75]

tyler so i take you didnt read everything, just the things you didnt like? well thats nice. keep up the good work!

[tylercdurden2004]

tyler so i take you didnt read everything, just the things you didnt like? well thats nice. keep up the good work!

 

To be fair it was a bit of a struggle to read. Although I did try. I picked out what I thought were the most relevant points you were making and responded.