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Conflict, jealousy, insecurity, hitting my head against a brick wall


BigFatMess
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Well, I have posted many times on this site (if you want you can read my posts by looking up under BigFatMess).

 

My boyfriend and I have had issues from the start. We were together for two years and during that period he lost all my trust by lying, keeping things from me and basically doing really dodgy stuff (eg. telling other girl "friends" that he loved them, sleeping in the same bed as his girl "friend", writing dodgy emails and texts). After a lot of nonsense and finding out some of these lies, I had enough and called it quits.

 

Three months later he came back and begged me to take him back. Told me he had thought about everything, looked at himself and his behaviour and realised he needed to change. Realised he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and would do anything to be able to do that.

 

After much consideration, I decided to give him a chance. There were ground rules though, and I told him I needed him to rebuilt the trust up, as I had NONE. He said he would do anything. He cc's me into all emails, tells me about all the texts he receives and sends, tells me who he bumps into during the day, and basically has become transparent (which is what I want and need right now).

 

My problem is, we are still banging our heads of the same issue, which is his contact with the female sex. I realise that girls and guys can be friends. But it seems that he is always just a little more than friends with these people. Not that he cheats (that I know of anyway!) but that it is always a little dodgy. It is like he leads them on just a little, and I find the friendships to be a bit inappropriate.

Example: he has girls calling him in the middle of the night drunk. He gets texts from so called "friends" telling him they miss him and calling him "babe" (which I think is inappropriate). His girl "friends" get jealous when he spends time with me.

 

The icing on the cake was when we were staying at a hotel together and I went back to the room as I was not well, and he stayed out with some friends. One of his girl "friends" from work, called the hotel asking for him - at MIDNIGHT. When she got me, she wouldn't say who she was but stated she was his "girlfriend". When he got back he swore he had never received phone calls from her or anyone before at that hotel, but of course it started my mind boggling. The next day I made him call her to ask her what the deal was, and all she did was laugh and say that I should "get over it". What bugged me the MOST about it all is that he still wants to be friends with her, even though she hurt and upset me.

 

Of course the problem is that ALL of his girl friends seem to be "close" with him, and it drives me insane. Then I come accross as the jealous girlfriend. So, am I being unreasonable here? Are my "standards" of normality, not normal at all??? It just seems to me that all his girl "friends" have ZERO respect for me and our relationship, and that HE is the only one who can do something about that.

 

The thing is, if we could get over this, we would have the best relationship ever. I don't know how to move forward, and I don't know how to keep going over the same stuff, every time one of his "friends" does something. I know I can't tell him to have NO girl friends, but I am not handling the situation as it is.

 

Thoughts??? Advice???

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I'm so sorry but this sounds like he is either not worthy of you, or you have a major value clash that it may not be worth trying to treat the symptoms any further. You've had the break-up, the explanations, the promises of better behaviour etc. I reckon this is as good as it's going to get and you either deal with it or move on to someone who doesn't behave like this.

 

Re his behaviour, in the 'normal' world I inhabit, this stuff would be really on the nose. It's immature and disrespectful. If he (or you) turn this into a you merely 'not being able to cope with the fact that he's friends with women' issue, that's doing you an injustice. Basically his 'friends' (regardless of gender) are apparently treating his relationship with you with disregard. He is encouraging that, whether it's obvious or not. He needs to grow up and tell them their behaviour is inappropriate. He should not be passing on to you that that woman said you should get over it, he should be saying to you 'honey I'm so sorry, I will have a word to X and this will never happen again'. And it should never happen again.

 

The fact that they are women who to all intents and purposes are flirting with him, and even saying they're his 'girlfriends', and he is not actively discouraging them, is really lame. My best friend (other than my fiance) is a guy, and we would call late occasionally and I would say I miss him when it's been a while. But it's not flirty, and no way would I cramp his style with his girlfriends. I want him to be happy, not to cause any concerns in his love life!

 

But this is my world. There may be different expectations if he is in a certain industry, or you guys are young. To be honest, I wouldn't think that should make any difference, and you deserve better anyway, but sometimes these things DO make a difference. For example, if he and his friends are below 23 this behaviour is a bit more to be expected (not for everyone but it happens). If he's 30 or older it's ridiculous. And perhaps he's in a female-centric business? Perhaps I should read your other posts...

 

Anyway, 2 years is a long time to spend in a relationship where his 'close' friends don't seem to know you or have respect for your relationship. The question that immediately poses for me is 'is he ready for a serious relationship or is he just playing at it?' Does he fancy himself as a bit of a stud?

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YOU DONT WANT TO BE WITH A LIAR!!!

 

That's what it all comes down too, and by taking him back you only gave him the green light signal saying: "its ok for me to lie/cheat on her, she'll take me back anyway' so i can walse over you and your feelings as much as i please.

 

Your 'allowing' this to happen. That girl who called him wants to have sex with him. Why else would she consider herself as 'his gf?' And he of course for the liar that he is would lie to you that there's nothing between the two of them (yeah right)

 

Hun, take my advice and leave this guy for a nice guy who does treat you correctly and is honest with you. By now you should be fed up with this garbage, look in the mirror and you can see how unhappy you are. You deserve better, leave him and never take him back.

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You are normal and your thinking is absolutely correct.

There is a huge difference between friendship with opposite sex and this what he's claiming to be a friendship.

It is disrespectfull toward you. And he is beeing disrespectfull, not those girls who are calling. Yes, he should end the drama in his life.

 

He acts like a little teenage boy.

 

You gave him a chance but he is still not fullfilling yor expectations. Now he is transparent about the things he's doing. Before he was the same but not transparent. Looks like he just can't be the man you need.

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Um....I would suggest that if he has not done anything physical (though sleeping in another girls bed???????) he is definitely doing something to lead these women on and to give them the impression he is available.

 

If he really is committed to working this out, he would be telling them to be gone...

 

Personally, I find it highly suspect that one of them called and claimed to be his girlfriend, or that they drunk text, and all that.

 

Something is very fishy. I don't tell friends of either sex I love them, or sleep in their beds and so on.

 

And finally, neither my partner or I will remain friends with someone whom has NO respect for our relationship or the other partner. To me, that in itself is enough. Your boyfriend is extremely immature, and not very respectful of YOU if he cannot tell those whom disrespect you to butt out of his life.

 

I don't think being transparent means he has changed, I think it just means he can show you what he CHOOSES to, and under the guise of transparency still hide the things he doesn't want you to know.

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that is not normal at all, your bf has to consider your feelings that being too friendly isn't good and leading girls on is WRONG. If he keeps doing it just have your own good guy friends and see how he feels if they keep calling u "babe" etc..

 

I'd kicked the nuts out of my bf if he did what your bf is doing.

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