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Roller Coaster...Am I Healing at All???


guy0221
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Well, after her email and our conversation last week about the possibility of reconciliation, I thought I had gained some control of my feelings and the situation that I'm in.

 

I told her that we would need to talk talk talk about what occurred, what she went through to decide she still wanted me, any feelings that she was confused about regarding her girlfriend.

 

Now, I'm thinking that I just assumed she would take a day or two and then come to me ready to talk more seriously about trying again...that was Thursday...today is Sunday and I feel like I waited around all weekend for her next contact. I hate that. I hate that I am really waiting for her.

 

Why can't I move on from this?? Why can't I make ANY PROGRESS?? I felt GREAT on Friday and today I feel like I did 4 weeks ago...miserable and lonely as hell...everything reminding me of her. I can't stand this extreme range of emotions anymore and yet I still believe in us...believe in her coming back to me.

 

Why can't I let go and move on?? Why can't I heal and just accept that what is meant to be will be??

 

I am so sick of this emotional "roller coaster". It is not healthy.

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Its because you are in love. As I am also. She told me shed come online to talk to me, guess what, I've been online all day and night, and yep, she hasnt come on. That pisses me off to where I almost forget how much I love her, but then again, who am I kidding, I'm the one waiting for her, shes not waiting for me.

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Take it easy on yourself. It's only been 4 weeks, that's not enough time to totally heal from anything, especially if there is some hope of reconciliation.

If you believe you two can be together and happy, call her and tell her that.

She may be scared, or muling things over.

It may be worth it to be proactive and give it another try at communicating with her.

What do you have to lose, you are already miserable?

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Guy.. do me a favor.. refer to her as your ex. not your gf. "us" is over (sounds harsh man I KNOWWWW TRUST ME WHEN I SAY I KNOW" been there myself once and it seems like the end of the world. YOU CAN MOVE ON AND YOU WILL BE HEALED thats the thing you gotta remember. will dating help you ? perhaps not.. what happened to the woman you went on a date? did you continue seeing her? can you take a vacation? diappear for a few days from your home cause that atmosphere in your house, your computer and enotalone will remind you of her. the best thing I did for myself was dating and maaan I am so happy right now. don't feel bad if you kiss someone don't try to keep her in your mind as a possibility, for now (she is not gone and she may not want you back) I know this is not what you want to hear but for now this is the truth. you have been through alot I knowww i read your posts and hell it reminds me of the hell I was in afew months ago...

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for the other posters you guys may not know the whole story but this woman has been dragging him along with confusing emails, text messages and phone call giving him hope that she will know who she likes and crap like that. and everytime its just about her feelings and how confused she is NOT once she said something like "I know what you are going through I wish there was an easier way". she is not giving him hope. what she is doing is to heal herself and frankly doesn't give a damn about him anymore.

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NEVER wait in life, life is too short to wait. Understand that you cannot hold on to anyone in life, you can only love them , couldn't you have called her, or wasn't there any date of when the two of you would meet together? I think that you assuming she would contact you was not the right thing to do. Rather if i where you i would call her and reconsile on a date that is convienant for both of you.

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I am sticking to the NC...well more like LC. I have not contacted her at all and I only react to her contact if I feel it necessary.

 

I try not to use the word "gf" when describing her but I guess it just comes out...typing "ex" is always painful I know that.

 

As for calling her and asking for a date or a talk...I just don't feel like that is what I want to do. If this is going to go anywhere it has to be because she cleared her mind and decided she wanted me again. If I pursued, it may work but down the road, some of her confusion might come back.

 

I just wish there was a way to wait for her and heal myself at the same time.

 

ps. massari - i went on a couple dates with that other girl but we were just not compatible...and it was not the right time for me to feel normal with another girl. there are a couple other opportunities out there but i have not acted on them yet.

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Without knowing your entire history with this girl, I can only say that when you tell her that you need to "talk, talk, talk" that can come off as kind of pushy.

 

What you want to be doing when you have contact with her is creating positive experiences, not pushing her away. Most breakups occur because of that inbalance; the dumpee feels needy and pushes; the dumper feels pressured and pulls away.

 

Hopefully you are working on building a stronger independent YOU. Maybe when the time is right, you and this girl can come together and you can have a good time and start building new positive experiences where you don't push her. Don't bring up what happened everytime she contacts you! Its no wonder you haven't heard from her in 4 days. Don't even mention anything next time she contacts you. If she brings it up, just practice reflective listening - acknowledging, even agreeing with her statements and viewpoints - and don't let it disentegrate into and argument.

 

The ball is in her court now. I would guess that she doesn't want to talk but misses you as long as you don't bring up the relationship. Control your reactions and your innner turmoil.

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I can only say that when you tell her that you need to "talk, talk, talk" that can come off as kind of pushy.

 

I told her that we would need to "talk, talk, talk" only if she decided it was me that she wanted. Everytime she contacts me it is about the relationship. I try to never bring it up as I know it would come off as pushy. Also, we have never really argued much and still don't with these recent conversations...so that is a good thing.

 

I'm really trying my hardest to give her the space she requested and at the same time, work on ME. I just feel like the latter of the two is not very productive so far.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I admit that's hard, and it's what I'm fighting now. It's really difficult to make a 180 degree turn (from ex to you) in a short time, so I tried to do it in steps. I hope they're not horribly misguided but it seems to have worked for me.

 

In the beginning, at least, you can fool yourself into working on you by telling yourself that if you don't improve yourself, then your ex won't want you back. Work on changing the aspects of you that your ex didn't like and you also know are real negatives (ie insecurity, being distant, etc.). It's the only way to increase the chance that a second try would work out better.

 

You can make a fair bit of progress that way, but the real difficulty (what I'm struggling with now) is completing that final jump, into seeing how what I've done to improve myself really was for me, not my ex. And I guess it's not that hard to mentally realize, though it takes some time to internalize - once you've lost the extra weight, or learned a cool new skill, you realize that you actually get all of the benefits from it, even if you're not impressing the ex with it. It's not going to help my ex (who's 40 miles away) that I'm more psychologically healthy or that I have a better social life, but it's darn sure going to help me.

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