Sacrifices...

[mike424]

I starting dating this girl named stephanie my sophmore year of high school. I lost my virginity to her when i was 15 (she was 15 too). Everything went well for us for about 10 months. After that, i got tired of having to deal with her ex boyfriend. I felt like i was giving myself to her entirely and i was only getting half of her. Call me selfish but i find that in a relationship, it has to be all or nothing. At one point, she had a mental breakdown and attempted suicide by swallowing a bunch of advil. She went to the hospital and stayed as an in-patient for a little over a week.

 

The day she got out of the hospital, i broke up with her. I don't know what happened to me. I was completely numb...i felt nothing as i heard her crying to me and pleading for an explanation. I didn't know what to do so i completely shut down emotionally. And i stayed that way for the next 2 years: no emotional changes...no ups, no downs...just...content...

 

about a year after we broke up, we started talking again and she came up with the idea of becoming friends with benefits. I said ok...because i was thinking with my penis and not my brain. So we did that for a few months and i started to feel that same connection that i had with her when we dated the first time. But i couldn't bring myself to uncover it...it was like it was ok for it to be there as long as neither of us noticed it or said anything about it. But one night, i accidentally confessed to her that i slept with her best friend the summer before (during a long period of time when i had not spoken to her).

 

This ultimately ruined their friendship but brought her closer to me...somehow. She confessed her love for me and i shut down again. We were going to go to prom the next week and i said i couldn't go with her. I told her to get another date and that i wouldn't go. I stayed home and drank with my parents the night of my senior prom. Anyways...after a while...i started feeling like i had this huge weight on my shoulder like i had done something so horribly wrong that it was bad enough to banish me to hell for eternity. So i wrote her a letter...explaining to her why i acted the way i did and what was going through my mind as i did them. She reacted to the letter and said that it was very thoughtful. Since then, i cried for the first time in 3 years and have seemed to re-open my emotions. And perhaps in spite of that, we have started dating again. I am happy with where we are, and she couldn't be happier.

 

the twist to the story is that she has been diagnosed with depression and bi-polar disorder. Both of her parents are alcoholics and she's been abused by them emotionally for years. To make it even more interesting, we are leaving for college next month, we're both going to the same college (by coincidence) and she couldn't be more afraid of it.

 

She's afraid of her roommates, her teachers, explaining to everyone that she has depression and how they'll react to it. She's afraid of being on her own and not having someone there for her. And since we've started dating, all i want to do is be there for her and be commited to her and make her happy. To do this, i will have to sacrifice many things. I'll have to sacrifice any curiosity that i may have for girls at college (ohio university, if you're wondering...and it's a big college too...) I'll probably have to sacrifice certain friendships. For some reason, these seem like minute sacrifices to...basically save her life...because if she doesn't have someone there for her, she'll drop out, be too afraid to ever come back again and ultimately live her life as a stripper. I'm prepared to make these sacrifices, that's not to say that i won't slip up once or twice...i'm only human...but am i doing the right thing?...should i let her fend for herself? or should i show her that she can be strong and that there is so much that she CAN do...?

 

The aspect of this relationship that drives me to support her is the fact that i am convinced that i will never be able to find a girl that cares for me and loves me and has a connection with me like she does...but...at the same time...it's like this relationship is standing on a pair of stilts at the top of a cliff...We've been through so much and we know eachother so well and we're so good at communicating, but yet...any little bump could send her and me tumbling down the jagged cliff in a future destroying heap...but then again...maybe it won't...maybe we'll be happy and everything will work out fine...but i don't really find myself to be a very optimistic person. but yet...i'm willing to take the risk.

 

I know this entry is long...and i thank you for taking the time to read it...any advice or suggestions or motivation will help me cement this decision of mine into place. Thank you, again.

 

~Mike.

[mystik]

it's fine that the entry is too long, but you will probably get more responses if you break it down into paragraphs. Makes it a lot easier for people to read and doesn't turn them off on the longness of the post

[Aschleigh]

You are just now going to college. This will open up a lot of new things for you and her. You love this girl, that may or may not change. But you have to live your life. I really hope you get some counseling and she does too.

It may naturally happen that you drift apart as you both experience new things and new people. Or you may stay together for a long while.

Either way you need to deal with your own emotions , your tendency to shut down, your future, your life. Which may not include this girl.

Your 18 , lots of things are about to change for you. Lots.

[Momene]

Disagree with last bit because if you found someone once you can connect with you are more likely to do it again. I (for one) am living proof of that.