Something is bugging me about my NC - need help!

[river dog]

It's just that I never got to set out my reasons NC - she was already pulling away after coming on strong but I was taking it slow as she asked. We were intimate at her initiation but things got really weird after that. I was falling for her and I blew when I told her how I felt. Then she was very hot and cold. I would hardly ever do what she told me to do - Spanish women can be very bossy and it's just not my style to be a doormat.

 

I told her I wanted more quality time with her but she said she had emotional issues with an ex - I felt like she was punishing me for loving her, but she said she wanted to go really slow. We are talking astronomical units of time here.

 

I also got the impression that she wanted total control, based on her initial insecurities about us but then more dominant and peacock-like behaviour (showing off and mild flirting with others) when she knew she had me.

 

She comes to my street every Friday, and has for a year, so she could reasonably expect to talk to me then but I have been out of her sight since I felt rejected (which I clearly was, on the night). There may well be something else going on that I didn't know about, behind the scenes, but I don't like to pry unless I am involved and hurting.

 

To quote another of my posts:

 

We only dated for a few months but she really got to me.

 

I am not counting the days since she physically pushed me away, minutes after being all soppy with me! I have no idea why. That is her issue but I was in love by then.

 

I was so humiliated that I went into NC immediately just to get away from her antics. I didn't get any stuff off my chest, she didn't give me a chance - I just went AWOL. Later that week I ran into her in my local bar (that she has never been in before) flirting with some guys but I managed to leave gracefully.

 

The advice I need is should I let her know I have feelings for her but I cannot go back to how it was, in a letter, not expecting a reply, not fishing, nothing gushing. Just to let her know how I felt about her behaviour and why I am NC?

 

See, I am having doubts and I am fearful that she thinks I may have dumped her by walking away and now we are both in NC. A thought just occurred to me that she often acted like she was expecting to be dumped in the early stages.

 

If no-one breaks the cycle, we both may lose. I would never forgive myself. I cannot move on with this question hanging over me - or is this common and I am just looking to weasel out of NC?

 

One little clue is that she has not told anyone in my small community that we are done and guys are always asking her about her and the English guy.

 

Communication is an issue as my Spanish is pretty basic, so a phone call is out of the question. A letter would be best because I can use my dictionary and verb books to make some sort of sense.

 

Any comments?

 

River Dog

[blender]

Before doing anything, you have to ask yourself some quesitons:

1) What do you desire as a result of any contact?

2) Do you realistically believe there is a mature, honest, loving, trustful, emotionally healthy future with this woman?

3) Will you feel good knowing you put things in writing that you happen to be "feeling right in this moment" and have her holding on to that piece of paper, long after?

4) Is this the kind of woman you can see yourself with in the long run, being your true self with her, honest, loving, trusting, believing in each other to be the best you can be without jealousy?

5) Do you share the same values, standards of life?

6) Does her life history show her to be stable, loving, kind, honest, independent, and emotionally healthy?

 

First start off by seperating your "feelings" form the "facts". Write down all your "feelings" for her, then write down the "facts" of your relationship, like "I was able to be completely myself without fear and no walking on eggshells around her" true or false?

 

When you are in doubt about what to do, it is best to do NOTHING..for now.. just wait a bit, sort out your thoughts before you make a move to "ease the discomfort of your temporary feelings of loss" you may find out that you are chasing something you know is not right for you in the long run..

 

so take time, let us know what you're thinking/feeling... we've all been there and it really helps to write all out, think it through with blantant self honesty.

 

Best, Blender

[river dog]

OK, my honest best shot right now:

 

1) What do you desire as a result of any contact? - to be more comfortable, having explained why I am not going to come begging. Don't mind starting NC all over for that.

2) Do you realistically believe there is a mature, honest, loving, trustful, emotionally healthy future with this woman? - I think yes, except for the mature bit

3) Will you feel good knowing you put things in writing that you happen to be "feeling right in this moment" and have her holding on to that piece of paper, long after? - yes

4) Is this the kind of woman you can see yourself with in the long run, being your true self with her, honest, loving, trusting, believing in each other to be the best you can be without jealousy? - don't know, probably not

5) Do you share the same values, standards of life? - no, she is unsophisticated, untravelled, uneducated, poor but hardworking

6) Does her life history show her to be stable, loving, kind, honest, independent, and emotionally healthy? - Stable? - no, but she is determined to be independent (31, still lives with her parents and 3 brothers who are always "borrowing" her car). loving? in words, not deeds kind? not to me, obviously but she is known to be muy simpatica Honest? yes and I think she could be fiercely loyal, but I really don't know. Emotionally healthy? - I think so, but deeply hurt by her ex and has explained it to me.

 

"I was able to be completely myself without fear and no walking on eggshells around her" true or false? False. You know what's funny about that? She sells eggs!

 

BTW - where do you go to find attractive women with all these virtues. Just asking.

[heloladies21]

It sounds like you have something to get off your chest so go for it. Regret is a difficult thing to live with.

[blender]

Riverdog,

 

it seems you did an honest job in answering those questions for yourself, how do you feel after opening yourself up to some "facts"? The "fact" is no matter how much you love this girl she just seems to be "not ready" for the real, long lasting kind of love, not right now, and it probably has NOTHING to do with YOU. If she is still aching over the hurt from her ex then she is NOT ready to be with ANYONE new until she gets through the emotions and associations of her last relationship... otherwise you are building your love on quicksand..

 

It just might be where she is "emotionally" right now in her life... and when you said she's "kind in "words" not "deeds kind" well ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS, and I think that perhaps she has fully revealed more of herself to you... at the beginning of a relationship things can be so "perfect" like love can overcome any obstacle, but in time we all reveal who and what we truly are and capable of when it comes to love.

 

AND THE HEALTHY KIND, starts with "self love" and although she may need to do some soul searching and some growing up regardless of her age, so let that happen, it has nothing to do with you.. it's for her to do, on her own, by her own choosing.. wouldn't you agree?

 

If you want to sit and explain your reasons for no contact to her, then have the self respect and be respecting enough of her to be "very clear" about what your intentions are, no game playing, no trying to provoke some emotion in her, just start by sitting down and making sure BEFORE hand that you YOURSELF know WHY you are choosing to not want contact.

 

and it can't be a list of what SHE doesn't do right, but what is okay and not okay for YOU in your life... be clear, be focused, be kind, be so honest, and you will have no regrets... start sentences with "I" when speaking to her instead of the "you" when explaining why you are no longer contacting her. good luck.. and remember if you have any expectations, well, they usually end up causing disappointments.. so for you own heart, be clear on WHY you are choosing to contact her again just to let her know you won't be contacting her...

 

I hope you find some peace and if talking to her will bring it, then go for it, but first try to find some inner peace by having an honest conversation with yourself... you sound like a great guy, I wish you luck in life and love... best, blender

[blender]

P. S. you asked "where do you go to find a woman with all these virtures?" well it starts with becoming a man with these same qualities and having standard and values with which you live by and invite someone else who is emotionally healthy enough to share their happiness, maturity, values and love with you, this may be thee girl, but maybe not right now... It's always good for me to ask myself "what am I getting out of this relationship and what am I giving to it, is it healthy, real, honest, or does it keep me in an unhealthy life pattern of rescuer, or controller?"

 

Walking on eggshells with someone is NOT a good way to build any real, long lasting happy relationship... it just isn't. Maybe you both need a bit of time to grow... I've been there and I know how difficult this is for you both...

[river dog]

Thanks Blender,

 

I have slept on it and came to a couple of conclusions:

 

1. At this point, a letter would turn into a rant or a plea.

2. If she thinks I have dumped her she would have asked me what was wrong before now.

 

So... all I can do is love her quietly and with dignity. I will not give up all hope but other important things await my attention. Me, for one!

 

River Dog

[blender]

Well Riverdog, you just graduated from post break up insanity, by waiting and sleeping on it and thinking it through... take this as a lesson the next time your emotions come flooding back.. and remember to breathe, wait 24 hours before acting on your feelings and you will have made a huge leap in becoming a better "catch" for your ex or any other wonderful girl who is waiting for you ahead on your life path.. it's not going to be easy, it's an ebb and flow of emotions after a break up, but YOU are using your mind and not just your emotional heart, and for that you will have fewer regrets, taking the time to think things all the way through the "feelings' all the way to the "facts" is always a good practice but so many of us forget to do so when our hearts are aching.. (me for one) but that is why I'm here to help because I learned it the hard way... good for you.. have a great day and take this time for YOU...

[river dog]

Thanks again blender.

 

My perfectly cute Spanish teacher asked me out to her fiesta on Saturday night. She has a live-in guy so I didn't read too much into it other than it is either a very strong relationship for her to ask a single guy along, or she is not that happy.

 

Anyway, I blew her out when I phoned and his voice was on their voicemail (not mentioning her name, just his) and then heard last night that my ex was serving behind the bar. Fiestas (with her working the bar) have been just been big trouble for us. So I did the right thing by not going.

 

The man I think she has been carrying on with, or at least he is trying (my neighbour, Elvis) would have been doing guard duty ("look at me while I flirt with all these other guys") 'cos he rolled home at 3:00am so drunk from standing at her bar that I had to laugh (been there, got the t-shirt) - he didn't even get sex, there was no opportunity and he was incapable of standing. He would have driven home, can you imagine?

 

I was busy on the web, stone cold sober. He wants her? Welcome to the party pal! She wants him? Her choice. I know I am looking better to her every day, but that was also her choice.

 

My Spanish teacher cancelled our lesson tonight, so I am guessing she isn't that happy with her man and a bit pissed at me.

 

But hey, I just got busy living.