Does anyone know how to teach & enforce healthy communication skills?????

[AllGrownUp]

I would seriously appreciate if anyone knows of any proven techniques that work, because I have tried like mad with my mother whom has a challenge with understanding English. Current update, I've posted before. I was faced with being homeless, going thru the court system, dealing w/ past unresolved sexual abuse/rape issues, etc.

 

The long & short of it is, that my mother can NOT communicate effectively. She can go from 0 to pissed the off in zero seconds flat. This has been the way it has always been with her, she chooses not to express her feelings anyother way, except for yelling, cussing & getting overly angered about things, versus talking them out. She will fly off the handle because she misconstrues what someone says, all the while you maybe trying to diffuse the situation, she's bursting a coronary & proceeding to cuss you up one side & down the other.

 

I've talked to her many times about the way she communicates,which is highly inaffective, she doesn't care. So I don't talk to her anymore, because I choose not to argue. I may have a bad temper, but I do have a very rational side, in which I will discuss, NOT argue my points & anyone elses. Example: today, I'm sick, was in my bedroom doing some reading. Her husband came home over the weekend, the one I still have unresolved issues with. I can hear her bellowing at the top of her lungs, ranting & raving about whatever it is she's pissed off about. Awww, the fond memories this brings back...smh.

 

The last time I tried to have a civillized discussion with her, she blew up at me while I was eating lunch. She started ranting & raving like a lunatic in such an uncivilized manner that I retorted back my reason as to why she didn't have any friends, this was clearly why. She then asked me what I meant by that, it just came out of my mouth because she just kept trying to push me by yelling at me. I told her that her longtime friend said she was a hothead & constantly blew up over the most insignificant things & that she was surprised that her & her husband were still married. She kept pushing me, she got it, I didn't bite my tongue any longer & she had it coming. At the end of the conversation, I basically told her that she was the one that pushed me to that point & that I was done trying to work thru any issues that we'd had.

 

I have so many issues of my own to contend with that I don't have it in me to try to help her with hers, because she doesn't want to work on herself. She's very satisfied with her dysfunctional communication skills, not working to improve herself as far as her listening skills & her grasp of the english language. So ultimately she'll end up having to rely on someone because she doesn't want to help herself. I choose not to yell, cuss, rant, rave & act like an idiot to try to get my point accross, but that's her style. I have a feeling she IS going to end up being alone, because of the way she treats people. She's not a very happy person & tends to take her anger out on people, her misplaced aggression causes people to not want anything to do with her.

 

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Update

 

Her husband has since taken up residence in their other house in Fl. I'm here living with my mother going to school fulltime & looking for part-time employment. I'm still going through dealing w/ the court case. Everyone keeps telling me things will get worse before they get better, they can't get any worse. I would never have thought I would be back here living in my mother's house, the girl that left home at an early age to get away from the madness that was known as my upbringing. This man, I'll continue to refer to as her husband refuses to acknowledge the ill stuff he's done to me. He's in denial & says that I'm lying. He has always tried to cause strife between my mother & I, for the most part he's won. When I was coming up, he excelled at that, because her & I never really spoke.

 

In the midst of him travelling back & forth from FL back to NC. He comes back to pick up some mail, go to some of his doctors here, etc. Back when my mom went out of the country to visit my grandparents, I vowed to her that I'd help this man by taking him to his doctor's visits, running errands for him, etc. Mind you, I detest this man, but was only doing it for my mother. My mother was gone for 3 months & in that span of time, he took ill again. I took him to his doctor's visits, drove him around, etc. I delayed my last court date for him, because he was supposed to have surgery to the day before & my travel time from the hospital to MD, would be impossible. Needless to say, he got better the next day..*sigh*

 

When he got better, he went back down to Fl to oversee some of the home renovations. He left a stack of mail to be sent out, he gave me strict rules to only mail it out when the mail person was on their way to pick up, he doesn't trust the people that live in the neighborhood. I can understand what he was referring to about this neighborhood, so I had to sit & wait for the mail person, because he feared that some of the people in the neighborhood might try to steal the mail. I ended up missing the mail person 2 days in a row & taking it to the post office on the 3rd day. Well, long story short, 1 of the bills that was in that stack was to a life insurance policy (that money would go to my mother).

 

When her husband got back up here, he asked me about the mail & I told him what had happened. He then told me that he probably needed to check on somethings, because they were probably late getting paid. I explained to him he needed a better system with him going back & forth to Fl & the bills sitting for weeks at a time, that wasn't a very effecient way to handle things. He checked on the insurance policy & said he'd gotten a cancellation in the mail, so of course he blamed this on me. I've had life insurance & I know that they give you a grace period to get the bill paid. I still feel that he's making me out to be his scapegoat. This furthers my reasoning as to why I detest this man. I've had him heap more of his denial, lies, & lack of being any type of man/father in my eyes than I can stand.

 

I long ago wished I could find my biological father & bond with him, to see how it truly is to have a man in your life that genuinely cares about you & isn't out to try to get in your pants. I know that my delluded views about men stem from my upbringing & past sexual abuse from my mother's husband & other male family members (all members of his family). Does anyone have any suggestions on how you can find a biological parent that probably doesn't even know you exist? I've met my biological mother & she was intentionally vague, cold, & inane. The only thing my biological mother did tell me was that my biological father didn't even know about me. Any suggestions on how to go about trying to track down a man that you have no idea where in this world he could be, what his name is, etc. would be greatly appreciated.

[Relationship Coach]

Hi and I'm sorry that you are faced with so much at one time! I think a counselor would be great for you because of the issues and feelings that you have towards your mother and her husband. They more than you need the counseling but often that is not possible so the next best thing is to learn how to deal and cope with what you are faced with. Trying to change them as set as they are in their ways now is pretty tough. Finding your biological father sounds like a great adventure, I'm not sure where to point you. Maybe someone else will now read this thread and be helpful.

 

Best of luck!

 

RC