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How Things Change When You Least Expect It


spunkykatt
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Let me start by saying its been several months since I have posted and honestly I didn't relize it had been so long. I am posting not for advice, but just to let everyone here know that looking back at my previous postings and all the responses that I received that I am taken off guard as to how much as a person I have grown. I have posted at some extremely hard times in my relationship, and life on here, and looking back I now see what made those things in my life so difficult. I think we all take things for granted sometimes, and when we feel like we cant go on anylonger we reach out to anyone who is willing to give us a ear and just simply listen. That is why when I read certain postings of mine and then read the responses that I relize not only was I looking for someone to listen to my pain and story, I was also listening to someone else's pain too. I never thought that by posting my feelings on here hoping to find some comfort in what I was going through that I was also giving comfort to someone else. At the time when I needed advice I came here often, wrote about my feelings, and how I thought there was days I couldnt deal with what I was going through...sometimes I was so angry that I couldnt stand my own self, and somedays I was so down that I saw no point in going on...and each time I posted I felt better. That was my way of healing myself, but now I read each of my posts and see it from a different point of view..and I am greatful that I took my own pain and wrote about it.

 

That said I am doing better now days, life doesnt seem to overwhelm me like it did. Sure I still have "huge" day to day problems (or so they seem so at the time) but I am healing none the less. I have made great progress in dealing with those demons that seemed to cloud my mind so often about my relationship that I was struggling in. Now I think for the most part I have managed to put all those insecurities to rest and I am just enjoying being loved by my SO rather than finding fault with myself over his choices. I know now that I cant punish myself and feel guilty over what he does...and just so its clear what Im talking about I use to post mainly over our fighting, and porn. I have learnt to find other things to consume my head with rather than what he was watching or doing when I wasnt around. There came a point that porn was such a huge problem with us that I literally withdrew from the relationship and put walls up around myself in order to not have to deal with all the issues. Most people would say that was the worst thing I could have done, but I disagree, that was the best thing I could have done. By pulling back my feelings, I was able to get a grip on the situation and deal with my own insecurities, and not to mention he relized when I started pulling away that he was at fault just as much as me also. We took some time "off" not in our relationship, but from talking or discussing anything that had to do with porn, masturbation, etc..and even though it wasnt easy not to ask him every single day if he was watching porn (cause every day that I did that it just made me feel worse about myself, and angered me) I started to become less interested in it. I started feeling better about myself, and that was all that mattered. Everytime I wanted to ask something about what he was doing in his "alone" time I changed the subject, and slowly the porn stopped consuming all my time. It hasnt been easy to work through this, and after several months of essentially "NC" with him on porn or masturbation we both became better able to discuss the underlying problems we were having. We now are open about our "private" time and can really talk about this without ending up in a fight. I just wanna thank everyone here who was supportive of me, and gave me some good advice at the time. Some I took, and some I didnt but the point is that everyone CARED. Thats what is so important, and Im greatful. I have grown and only because I posted here and found people like you guys that I can cronologically see how I have grown and changed....for the better. Thanks.

 

 

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