Dont know whether or not I should marry my girlfriend of 3 years

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I was not talking about obesity, that is a completely different matter. I am talking about the world's obsession with being thin and that anyone over a size 6 is considered heavy. Yes, I believe exercise is important and so is eating right. What I have noticed, however, is that people take this to extremes and have to broadcast to the world that they went to the gym this morning and did their workout, or they ate fish, broccoli and a granola bar for lunch. I would be interested in knowing whether the original poster was upset that his girlfriend put on so much weight that she is obese, or did she just simply go from a size 6 to a size 8.

 

I am in the biomedical research profession so yes, I do know all about exercise and its benefits to health and well-being. I am not anti-exercise, nor am I anti-eating well. The point I have simply been trying to make is that

you live and let live. With regards to family members suffering because an obese person may die younger...by virtue of that argument, someone who goes mountain climbing can have an accident and die....not fair to the family members either. You can't dictate how a person conducts their life. We all make choices and every single one of us makes some choice in our lifetime that would be considered by others not necessarily in our best interests healthwise.

[tylercdurden2004]

Exactly and driving is out of the question too! The point there is very little to gain from overeating and not working out. No one has ever been awarded for this "accomplishment" and for good reason. However many books are written by and about people who have climbed everest. So these are two totally different things.

 

Overeating and not exercising are exactly the same as smoking. They are slow insidious ways to die with no benefit to doing either. But again my argument is that there is a sense of entitlement for people who overeat and dont exercise and become obese. I understand the OP may not be referring to obesity but again being overweight is something that is largely controllable just like smoking and drinking too much.

 

If the OP doesnt like smoking he shouldnt date a smoker. If he doesnt like drinking then he shouldnt date a drinker. Same goes for someone who lets themselves go. My whole response was in regards to the first few posters many of whom stated its "normal". Again I see mothers all the time who are fit and relatively in shape. So its not "normal" and no one is not entitled to be overweight anymore than they are entitled to smoke or drink. However we tax alcohol and cigarettes because of health issues we dont however tax junk food. I wonder why?

 

But no one has mentioned anything about being obsessed with skinny people. I dont know where that came from? Maybe you are referring to non-obese vs obese people. Not being obese is NOT the same as being skinny.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Back to the original post. This part struck me:

3. Sex.

 

She doesnt want it as much as I do.

Often times I have to coax her into it, butter her up, or beg.

All kinds of conditions have to be met before it happens.

 

And when it does happen, many times I am repulsed by her after the fact due to her being out of shape and lacking any feminine sexuality or charm.

 

 

Perhaps she doesn't want to have sex with you because you make it very clear you are repulsed by her. I wonder if you changed your attitude towards her and stopped seeing her from outer packaging and started seeing her inner self, maybe things would change. Maybe you could start by being more sympathetic to her: perhaps she is depressed about something. Maybe work isn't going well or is getting her down. Maybe she senses that you are all about outside appearances and the more you make her feel unsexy and unwanted physically, the more she gets stuck in a rut. I have known a couple of women whose husbands or boyfriends made them feel that they just didn't cut out with regards to feminine sexuality or charm, and they were actually not at all overweight. That attitude had very lasting effects on the self-esteem of these women. Some women are just not into dressing up and slapping on makeup but there are indeed men who find the natural woman very sexy. If you are not such a man, there are plenty of women who have your values, in fact, they are a dime a dozen.

[DN]

I think there is way too much criticism of the original poster from people who either cannot or will not understand where he is coming from. I think to simply say that he should get over his lack of attraction is judgemental and/or naive.

 

People are attracted to different aspects of a potential partner and to say that he should just grow up, or get over it is not helpful - because it won't work. People are either attractive or they are not.

 

To try and emotionally blackmail someone into pretending attraction is unfair and impractical. It is 'political correctness' carried too far because it is affecting someone's life. It's not as if his partner was injured in some way or has become ill.

 

The plain fact is that she is making choices about her life and her preferences - and he has exactly the same right to make choices about his.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

DN, it is not a matter of whether or not he is attracted to her, it is the fact that he is expecting her to be someone she is not. If he wants a beauty queen, then he should leave and go find the person who is happy being that way. The woman he is with is clearly more down to earth and to try to make her into anything else and threaten leaving if she doesn't is cruel and unfair. He says he loves her but from the way he wrote his post, I am not so sure he loves her in a very deep and meaningful way. Yes, it is everyone's right to be attracted to who they are attracted to and not to make compromises. That being said, his issue shouldn't even be about marriage, it should be about him either accepting that she doesn't care to be a beauty sex goddess, or that perhaps her attitude stems from unhappiness with him or something else going on her life and understanding those issues might go a long way into helping get the spark back, or that she has other priorities in her life and he should leave and find someone else with the same priorities as his own.

[DN]

DN, it is not a matter of whether or not he is attracted to her

Then let me ask you if you would marry someone to whom you are no longer attracted?

 

It seems to me that so many people in this thread are attacking him for being honest about how he feels. They are his feelings about a woman with whom he is contemplating spending the rest of his life and he can't change just because other people get offended by them for whatever reason nor will they change because people want to bash him for somehow being a lesser person.

 

Another issue is that so many people are attacking him for his issue about her appearance and completely ignoring the other issues that he has. It would help if people looked at all the problems that he has asked about instead of fixating on one issue. For instance:

She lives in her own little world in which she does not listen to anyone, including me. She is occasionally condescending and sarcastic, and gets into that mode quite easily, even though I almost always keep my cool and have told her repeatedly that she should too and I absolutely cannot stand her condescending and sarcastic tones.

 

but she does it anyways.

She also gets a kick out of be-littling me in various situations. Its nothing big, but enough to annoy me. So usually I try to be the "bigger man" and I ignore it and/or keep my cool.

 

It's easy to imply 'that's just her reacting to your issues about her appearance' and that may be true. But let's not just assume that.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think you misunderstood my point. I don't have an issue with him no longer being attracted to her, he is entitled to his feelings. My point was that he is trying to make her into something she is not in order to fit his notion of what makes a woman desirable. With regards to the other issues, we only have his side of the story and I was simply bringing out the point that her attitude could be due to some deeper issues which he would should first explore rather than dismiss outright. If he loves her like he says he does, he would be willing to discuss what is going on her head to make her react in that way. Who knows, maybe by actually discussing these things, they can salvage their relationship, understand each other better and make compromises. I am not saying that is definitely the case, but rather than just agreeing whole heartedly with the poster, he would be better served by having it pointed out that there could be another way of looking at this situation.

[DN]

I don't think the poster wants or needs whole-hearted agreement - but I don't think he was looking for the sort of contemptuous dismissal of his feelings that he received in some responses either.

 

In so far as this point:

Who knows, maybe by actually discussing these things, they can salvage their relationship, understand each other better and make compromises.

perhaps you overlooked this part of his post

She lives in her own little world in which she does not listen to anyone, including me. She is occasionally condescending and sarcastic, and gets into that mode quite easily, even though I almost always keep my cool and have told her repeatedly that she should too and I absolutely cannot stand her condescending and sarcastic tones.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Again, you do not know which came first, his attitude towards her or hers towards him. They clearly don't communicate properly and given what the poster has written with regards to her looks and appearance, he is as much at fault as she is. I certainly wouldn't be speaking too kindly if my significant other was telling me that I wasn't attractive and sexy like others he sees on the street. I too would be angry and not listen to him. Either they work this out or they split up but they can't keep going on like that because they are both clearly getting bitter and angry.

 

As for always keepng his cool....lots of passive aggressive people also keep their cool and do lots of little jabs with a pleasant smile on their face. Keeping your cool doesn't necessarily mean you are kind and understanding. His attitude towards her is just as damaging as hers is towards him.

[DN]

It is rare that we get to hear both sides of an issue on this forum and it is certainly ok to try to get someone to see a different point of view, or to try to imagine how the 'third party' is feeling. But my point is that it is not helpful to anyone to dismiss a person's feelings and to attack them for them. Nor is it ok to assume that because lots of people act or react in a particular way that one individual is also doing that - nor is it useful to use pejorative terms such as passive-aggressive.

 

I don't dispute that his attitude may be damaging. I do assert that to make assumptions about how he feels, acts or reacts, is not useful, especially when expressed in an attacking way.

 

It seems there is a divide between those who understand that his doubts and feelings about this marriage are legitimate because this is the rest of his life he is talking about, and those who wish to attack him for them.

 

Speaking for myself, I repeat my advice. i.e. if in doubt about marriage - don't get married.

 

It does not make you a bad person to want certain things in a partner and if the prospective spouse cannot or will not have them, and a compromise that makes both partners happy cannot be reached, then proceeding with the marriage would be inadvisable.

[ReadyorNot]

WOW! My opinion is let her go so she can find someone who loves her for her....

 

I cant believe all of the reasons you dont want to marry her.... there is someone out there who will love her exactly the way she is... let her find that....