Dont know whether or not I should marry my girlfriend of 3 years

[ayudh]

First of all, thanks to everyone who responds. This problem of mine has been weighing on my mind for a long time. So heres my story:

 

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 3 1/2 years. I am almost 24 and she is almost 23. My parents are bugging me about marriage already and they (as well as her parents) assume that we are going to get married. And both of us get along with each other's parents well. She works full time and I go to school full time.

 

However, I am not sure at all whether or not I want to marry her. There are times when I am 100% certain I do, and there are times when im 100% certain I do not, and its based on a few things:

 

1. Her appearance.

She is slightly out of shape and has been for well over a year. Before that she was in shape but just let herself go.

 

Ive tried for over 1 year to get her to go to the gym and diet, in almost every way imagineable. Finally, I just let her have it around 3 months ago that this is serious and I am not happy. She seemed to have taken me seriously, but as of now (many months later) , she hasnt lost any weight, goes to the gym once a week, and does not watch what she eats, although she is vegetarian.

 

Secondly, she doesnt like to do herself up, at all. She doesnt use anymake up nor does she do anything particularily "girly" to herself, and dresses rather plainly. In otherwords, she doesnt have that sexy feminine charm that I am extremely attracted to.

 

For her to even put on a little bit of blush and wear something other than jeans is a huge feat. But when she does I always love it and want to "gobble" her up. I really appreciate when she does.

 

Otherwise, shes just plain and blah.

 

Consequently, I always find myself being attracted to other women and craving other women (sexually, that is), when I almost never fantasize or crave her. I have a constant wandering eye, and then wonder what it would be like if I was with a girl "like that".

 

Dont get me wrong though, she is pretty and has a natural beauty, but she does absolutely nothing to bring it out and seemingly does the oppossite of what she should be doing. If something makes her look good, shell do the exact opposite and gets annoyed if its any other way, unless the occasion calls for it and she "has" to "dress up", and her dressing-up can be equated to the normal amount of effort that other girls put into themselves.

 

2. She never seems to take anything I say seriously, such as the weight issue. The same things I complain about are the same things she keeps doing over and over and over again.

 

She lives in her own little world in which she does not listen to anyone, including me. She is occasionally condescending and sarcastic, and gets into that mode quite easily, even though I almost always keep my cool and have told her repeatedly that she should too and I absolutely cannot stand her condescending and sarcastic tones.

 

but she does it anyways.

She also gets a kick out of be-littling me in various situations. Its nothing big, but enough to annoy me. So usually I try to be the "bigger man" and I ignore it and/or keep my cool.

 

However, beside of all of this, I absolutely 100% love her.

Imagining her not in my life seems like it would be very hard, if not extremely difficult. When she is in her cordial mode, I absolutely adore her.

 

But when she is in her drab, sarcastic, and "I dont care how I look" mode, I absolutely cannot stand her (but I still love her).

 

 

3. Sex.

 

She doesnt want it as much as I do.

Often times I have to coax her into it, butter her up, or beg.

All kinds of conditions have to be met before it happens.

 

And when it does happen, many times I am repulsed by her after the fact due to her being out of shape and lacking any feminine sexuality or charm.

 

 

So what do I do?

 

I have tried over and over again to voice my concerns, but she does not change. And this has been going on for years.

[TwiLight172]

Honestly, it sounds as if she is not doing her part to please you at all. It is not wrong for you to want her to lose weight... i mean after all, you are attracted to the thinner version of her. That is who you first met. My bf, like your gf, is not doing his part to lose the weight. He signed up for a membership yet has only started going once a week. It pisses me off because i've tried everything possible to get him to WANT to lose the weight. From what you say, it sounds as if you and her have grown apart. I would tell you that you should not marry her because if she is comfortable now could u imagine what it will be like when or if you get married? SHe's going to let herself go even more. She needs to want to change and she's not. Just let her go.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Wow! You are trying to force her to lose weight and wear makeup so she can be sexy to you. If you can't accept her for who she is then do her a favour and let her find someone who loves her for who she is inside, not just for the superficial outer packaging. What would you do if you got married to a bombshell who is a toothpick and looks like a hollywood celebrity, all dressed up and sexy and then suddenly she gets ill and no longer looks like a bombshell....or if she gets ill and has to start taking prednisone which causes weight gain. Is she morbidly obese or did she just put on a few pounds? Perhaps her attitude towards you comes from bitter resentment over the fact that you are devaluing her as a person and only seem to see her as a sexual being and trophy to be paraded around rather than who she is as a person.

 

If you can't fix your attitude, she might end up dumping you first. You can't force someone to lose weight, love to run to the gym, and wear makeup. If she wants to do that, she should do it for herself, when she is ready and because she wants to, not because her boyfriend or anyone else thinks it is the best thing for her, and certainly not because there is a threat that you will leave if she doesn't comply.

[TwiLight172]

"If you can't accept her for who she is then do her a favour and let her find someone who loves her for who she is inside,"

 

I'm sorry but that's BS. What is so bad with being attracted to someone who looks a certain way? It's not superficial, you can't help what you like!

[agent1607307371]

"I'm sorry but that's BS. What is so bad with being attracted to someone who looks a certain way? It's not superficial, you can't help what you like."

 

Nothing, but from the sounds of it he wants her to dress against her personality and that is a problem.

 

Especially if his main concern is her looks and he has been with her for three years.

 

Has she ever been a girly girl, or did you get with her hoping she would become one.

 

If I had a bf who was telling me to lose weight and put make-up on, I would dump his * * * asap.

 

Honestly, it does not sound as though you do love her 100%, more you love what you can make her into and are used to being with her.

[rms8]

Avoiding the superficial issue, it sounds like a simple case of being too different. You care about how she looks, she doesn't. It seems like this issue will never resolve itself and you'll never be satisfied by her. Everything you talk about makes it seem like perhaps you don't love her as much as you tell yourself you do. If you are questioning moving further in your relationship this much, don't. It's as simple as that. (In my opinion she can do better)

[RayKay]

I moved your post to a more appropriate forum

 

Alright, so if you feel this way NOW, think of how you are going to feel in 5, 10, 20 years if nothing changes. Will you regret staying, will you have been able to stay committed to her both physically and emotionally?

 

Personally, I would suggest that after 3 years, given you are both adults, you should know by now whether marriage is in your future. It does not have to happen NOW, but you should definitely be on the same wavelength together and know where you are heading.

 

Personally, I would suggest that it sounds like you don't really accept and love her 100% for whom she is. I can understand completely wanting to be with someone whom shares similar lifestyles for example. I am very active/healthy, and it is important to ME to have a partner whom is on that same wavelength not just for "physical attraction" but because I want to be able to do active things together - like take vacations in Moab to go mountain biking and things like that. That being said, I also don't expect to "change" people, they are that way or they aren't. And I would be attracted to and choose to be with them or not for whom they are as a total package.

 

I think pressuring your girlfriend to fit what you want her to be is not only unfair to her, but also a very big indication that while you may care about her, she is perhaps not the right one for you. You love the idea of what she COULD be, rather than what she is.

 

Aside from the physical, it appears that yes, she does belittle you, which is negative and toxic....and I wonder if perhaps this also has an affect on you not being attracted to her too. Personality affects one's attractiveness. Either way, it's not healthy.

 

I would suggest that given the way you feel about her attitude, and her appearance and her life choices.....do NOT marry her. It would only be a huge disservice to yourself AND to her to marry her when you want her to change, and she won't be loved for whom she is.

[Avalon23199]

This post just really ticked me off. I just need to say this. As someone who started off a relationship in good health, and was physically fit, and then gained a whole lot of weight, if my husband told me to "lose weight and start looking sexy again or I'm gone".....I'd be out the door before he would! You say she stopped taking care of herself. What happens if you do decide to get married and you decide to have children. Don't get me wrong, some women look really good when they are pregnant, but some don't. What if it's a complicated pregnancy and she's put on bed rest? That's what happened to me, and I ballooned up. I didn't see you once comment on anything good about her except when she "looks good". If you can't see beyond her looks, then do her and yourself a favor and move on, because you're just going to end up hurting her more, and if you love her like you say you do, you'll realize that all this superficial "she's too fat and ugly for me sometimes" talk is hurting her. And not doing anything about it is her way of showing you that she is hurting by your words and actions!

[WalkingWithGod]

First of all I don't think your feelings are all that abnormal, but it doesn't sound like you love her in the I want to live with her for the rest of my life kind of way. That kind of love is more about who you are then who she is. You will have to find someone with whom you are willing to express that kind of love, but from the problems you express I don't think you are ready for that kind of deep committed love yet. As far as the weight goes, most women will have weight fluctuations over time between 20 and 30 lbs at some point in their adult life. She might be gaining weight because she is depressed that your thinking about other women. It is always your problem when you are thinking about other women. When you get married it doesn't matter if she is a super model you will always find something that interests you more if you let yourself. It sounds like your actual problem is that you have gotten too emotionally attached to her, but you are not ready to commit to anyone. If you are not ready to commit forever to her then you definitely should break up with her now, because you are only going to hurt her more and you are taking her away from chances to meet other guys that will love her for who she is. If you can commit to her then you should marry her as soon as you can. Marriage is mainly a commitment in which real love can grow. You need to be committed to lifting her up and to staying faithful to her with your mind and body. Do not let parental pressure make this decision for you. You need to determine if you are willing to commit to her wholeheartedly for life. Good luck.

[rose2summer]

If you are hesitant about marriage after this long, it obviously wasn't meant to be. Move on.

[justpaisley]

I'd suggest you don't marry any woman, unless you marry a fitness fanatic that doesn't want to have children. I just had a baby, and there are days that I don't feel like showering, and you can forget about putting on some makeup. You should be thankful that she feels comfortable enough with you to go "natural" and let a few pounds go, because she clearly feels secure in your relationship, and feels secure that you'll love her no matter how she looks, which is how a relationship should be. Clearly you don't feel that way, and don't 100% love her - love is unconditional. You can't say "other than points a, b, and c, I love her" - that's not love.

 

You can't marry someone that you want to change. Get out of the relationship, and find someone that you don't want to be different than they are.

[Luke Skywalker]

Of course not. Based on what you have written I think you should dump her and find someone else. Look at this:

 

1) You dont like her looks, and she doesn't seem willing to change that.

 

You are like 99.9% likely to cheat or commit adultery if you do end up marrying the way your post is sounding.

 

2) She is not taking you seriously now on important matters.

 

How could you possibly have had a relationship for so long?

 

What is it about her that appeals to you?

[BellaDonna]

I don't think you should marry her (based on what you've written here anyways). Marriage is for better or for worse, in sickness and in health......if some extra weight and not wearing makeup right now bothers you...then you probably won't be able to carry out your vows in the future. I too believe she deserves someone who will love for for who she is. I realize certain things are a turn you on too, and you deserve someone that can fulfill your desires as well. But expecting her to "change" is just not right. She is who she is.

 

Also, it seems the 2 of you are already sexually incompatible and you're already feeling tempted to stray. Do you think you could commit yourself fully to a marriage with her- even if she does not lose weight and does not start changing her clothes and makeup? Could you be happy and commit for a lifetime? If the answer is "no" then save both of you the pain of infidelity and divorce and move on.

 

I think marriage is a very serious commitment which should not be taken lightly. If you are having such major doubts, I don't think marying her is a good idea...at least not now under these conditions. Don't let others pressure you into it either. It has to be what feels right for you.

 

BellaDonna

[Jennster]

I'd just like to know the approach you've given to her about her weight. Many people read my thread a few weeks ago because my BF told me he'd like me to get in shape and be consistent. I was pissed at first but the way he went about telling me was fairly sweet. He told me he wants me to be healthy for me so we can enjoy activities together - and I completely agree with him. So that's my reasoning for wanting to lose the weight.

 

Now if he had come out and said "You're too fat and I'm disgusted" THEN I would be really pissed!!! If you're telling your GF something like that then I can totally understand her not wanting to change. She needs to want to do it for herself...and if she doesn't feel that there's a problem then maybe it's time you move on if you want something else. I don't see a problem with wanting that.

[_Ramirez_]

If I read what you have written from an outside perspective, what I see is a guy that doesn't get what he need from his relationship. The small problems you are going thought with your girlfriend right now won't be problems when you'll go out with a person that fulfill all your needs, and if those are problems… well you won't make it really further with her.

 

My girlfriend is more than a little overweight (after 2 pregnancies) and she loses weight really slowly (but surely). I don't see it as a problem because on the side there's a lot more to our relationship than how she looks. I still desire her and want to be with her because we have a great friendship/communication going on despite the boring everyday life we all live in. I WANT to be with her and my life would be emptier without her and I feel like that even when we fight.

 

I believe marriage is out of the question for you right now; in fact you should look deeply into yourself and see if you still want to be with your girlfriend. A lot of couples break up around the 4 years mark, if you get through it then you two have a chance to make it to the hotel if not... well there's a break-up on the horizon.

 

I hate to say that, (because it makes me feel old but you're still young and you might still be looking for the girl you will be happy with. You have the right to change your mind and decide she's not the one for you, meaning by that that you don't have to be with her forever because she's your girlfriend. There are good things in her that you might find in other women, that and much more.

[Meow18]

There's nothing wrong with being attracted to what you are attracted to.

 

But your girlfriend has obviously made the choice for her own lifestyle. Nothing you say or do is going to change that. If she's going to change, it's going to have to be because she wants it.

 

Part of loving someone is loving them at their worst. You said you can't stand her. Well, honestly, looks only go downhill at this point. It's harder to manage your weight once you hit your 30's. So if you can't appreciate her for what she is now, just wait another 5-10 years.. you will miss what she was now.

 

Also, to be on your side of things, her belittling you is NOT right. It is very disrespectful, and should never be tolerated. I hope you don't do the same to her..

 

And the other thing, if you are doubting marriage with her at all, then don't do it yet. You need to make sure 100% that she is the one you want to marry.

[tylercdurden2004]

I think Raykay nailed this one pretty much. Especially regarding lifestyle.

 

No weight gain is not "natural" if it invovles eating junk food and rubbish and not being active. And NO womens weight does not "naturally" fluctuate 20-30lbs over the course of a few years. These are lifestyle habits. Sure as we get older our metabolism slows and keeping weight off or not putting it on becomes harder. Any time I have put on weight its because of ME not nature. I can blame nature I can blame the junk food but it comes down to me and the lifestyle choices I make. Sure its hard work to keep in shape. But there is a big difference between being a "fitness instructor" and being in shape. I am quite active ( i can climb mountains, go mountain biking, swim 1km a day)and eat relatively well but I dont have a six pack, I never had nor never will have one. However its all about taking care of yourself.

 

Love is about "sickness and in health" however how many people would apply that to smoking, alcoholism etc compared to overeating and not exercising. Overeating and not exercising have just as many health risks as other "bad" habits. Somehow in our society its become acceptable to be fat, to the point where Ford Motor cars are now being designed to have 15% bigger seats to accommodate bigger people. It seems we go forward in some areas (not allowing smoking in public places) but backwards in others (accomodating people who overeat and dont exercise). I just dont understand how its contrued to be "normal".

 

As far as looks go. Theres nothing wrong with wanting your partner to look good nor is there anything wrong with wanting to look good for your partner. Looks are part of the package just as much as the "inside" stuff. If you dont liek the way someone looks, you are hardly going to be attracted to them, which is paramount to a long term lovign relationship. Some people like heavy set people and thats cool. Its what ever floats your boat. But again weight gain seems to be accepted and excused as being "natural" and "normal" which is simply untrue. I would love to e accepted even if I didnt shower for weeks on end and never washed my clothes, heck that takes effort. I just dont imagine many girl who would dig that, although I am sure there are some out there.

 

As for the OP YES it depends on how you approach the situation. I would approach it like I would approach any other issue of health concern. If she has gained a lot of weight now at 23 and is not interested in doing something about it it only gets worse. It is a slippery slope and a vicious cycle or low self- esteem leadig to lack of motivation leading to more low self-esteem. Mayeb you need to find someone who is willgin to put the effort in to being ain shape a looking good as you define it. Like wise maybe she needs to find someone who is OK wiht her putting on weight and not caring about appearance.

[DN]

If the weight and appearance were the only issue that would be about your perception of her. And you might be able to change that. But if not, you should look for a woman more on the same page. It's all very well for people to blame you for how you feel about that - but it is how you feel and many people find it impossible to make themselves be attracted to a particular body type - and despite accusations of being shallow - it's better to be honest with yourself as this is not something that will just go away on it's own.

 

But you have other issues - in particular, the sarcasm and condescension. Those are issues that can corrode a marriage very quickly and if they bother you now, it will only get worse once you live together.

 

It seems to me that unless the two of you can talk out these issues without blame or accusations but in a genuine desire to negotiate and compromise you are heading into trouble.

 

There is a golden rule about deciding whether to marry someone - "if in doubt - don't".

[RayKay]

Yeah, I agree with tyler. I hate to get all into this, but I just see a lot of posts here that kinda blame him for being selfish as she "is putting on weight", and that you should stick around because everyone puts on "many pounds" in their lives, etc.

 

I know plenty of women whom have children (often in the 3-4 range) and are in their 40's and above, and are in fantastic shape (and I mean "fantastic able to run a marathon and they could bench press their kids if they want" shape). Alright, so as you age, and have children, your body will change, it WILL become more stubborn at wanting to keep on weight..but seriously, these ARE things that you can work with. It's all about how much it matters to you.

 

As I posted to someone the other day, in my Runner's World magazine there was a short bio on a 41 year old mom of TEN children from ages 7 months to 21 years....she runs marathons and is in great shape. She also has to deal with frequent moves as she is a military wife. She gets up at 4:30 to train before her kids are up (some of them train with her) as it is important to her to stay healthy.

 

I see women and men out jogging with babies in jog strollers, or even just walking. You can incorporate good health. In fact it is a good example for kids too. My parents took us on bike rides, or skiing, rather then putting us in front of TV.

 

Besides, it is NOT just about being in shape, it is about living a long and healthy life, about being able to be active and alert. Good health mimizes risk of many diseases, keeps your memory sharp and also makes you a better lover (including preventing erectile dysfunctions!). And it enables you to keep up with your kids, grandkids, etc!

 

I see a lot of rather out of shape people whom blame age, genetics, children...but at the same time, I also never see them even try to alter their eating habits, or exercise. You don't have to be a fitness competitor or anything, just make healthy choices, maintain a healthy weight and work your body, along with your mind! Man, I am not in 100% shape ALL the time, my training alters as my life alters, but I adapt and do the best I can. Right now, I get up at 5 am to get my running and work outs in. I just do it. I choose to be active versus sitting on couch. It's about choices.

 

So, am I selfish for wanting a healthy partner whom shares a similar lifestyle and view towards healthy living as I do? I don't think so. If I am, that's alright, as my partner is equally selfish and we match then We do NOT expect one another to be perfect Greek gods and goddesses - at all. We know life changes and you need to alter things, but we do share similar views on health.

 

As tyler said, love is about sickness and health. But there is a HUGE difference between being felled by an illness, and CHOOSING to be unhealthy. Sometimes people whom do not keep a healthy lifestyle don't understand, but it is hard to be with someone whom does not share it...especially when they do not support it either, and won't share in activities, or eat the healthy food, and so on.

 

One of my friends (actually an ex from HS) was dating a girl for 10 years. When they started dating she was a tiny thing....and she just got lazy and creeped up to over 200 lbs (at 5'4" mind you). He urged her to participate in going to the gym with him for example, or to go for walks, and eat healthy. But she chose not to. He was not attracted to her anymore, and he broke it off. Is he selfish? I don't think so, it was affecting their sex life, his attraction, and even quality time together.

 

BUT, as I said before, you can't force change, and you have to be careful about approaching. If she is made to feel bad, she may not want to work on it. If she is made to feel supported, and loved for whom she is but that you are concerned about her health..she may just do it.

[Siriana]

So what if your parents are asking you about the marriage? You are 24 no need to get married if you're unsure about it. Even if you're 34 and unsure no need. The 2 of you are in a relationship - it's not their bussiness

 

Also, I think you are not mature enough for marriage based on the way you wrote your post. I was expacting huge problems and it was all about her looks - and you didn't ask yourself why?

 

I hate to say it but you are different, you value different things.

 

And about the looks: if you feel attracted to someone and if this person is compatible in other aspects of life with you, you wouldn't even notice that she gained few kilograms.

 

I dumped my ex because I started to resent him a lot of things. We were not compatible at all and I started to feel annoyed even when we were walking on the street together. I couldn't stand his attitudes in life, oppinions on anything.

And because of that I started to hate his looks. And he gained weight. And I really hated that. He was eating like a pig, unhealthy food, and he was not concerned about it at all. The fact is I was bothered by his weight because his attitudes about food, healthy life etc. were non-existing and I am very interested and into that. And proud to have a great figure. And it takes a lot of determination to have a good figure. But this is my way of life and one of the things I value. So because I didn't love him anymore I started thinking: look you are eating like crazy, you look like fat jerk and now you think you have a right to have a person like me besides you - normal good looking girl that is into healthy food. If the positions were opposite you would dump me immediately. i want a good looking guy with the same values.

 

SO YES LOOKS ARE IMPORTANT AS LONG AS YOU ARE REALISTIC ABOUT THEM. YOU KNOW THAT YOUR WIFE IS GOING TO GAIN SOME WEIGHT AND LOOSE SOME PART OF HER GOOD LOOKS WHEN SHE HAS A BABY.

 

I watched Ally Mc Beal once and one of the caracters asked his gf would you be in love with me if I didn't have money (he was ugly and she was gorgeous). She said probably not. He got offended. Than she said: Yeah, like you are not into my looks. You know I fell for the whole package as well as you did.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There is more to life and people than whether or not they run marathons, go to the gym regularly and are into athletic activities. I tend to find people like that use it as a badge of honour and turn their noses up at people who don't fit into that lifestyle and view them as unhealthy slackers. If people want to be athletic, great, do whatever makes you happy. But don't think you are so special and great just because you do and others don't. Other people may choose intellectual pursuits, volunteerism etc. People who exercise constantly are not necessarily healthier than people who exercise moderately or don't go to a gym or climb mountains. Plenty of exercise fanatics die of cancer, heart attacks etc. Yes, people want to marry or spend time with others who share the same values and interests, that's only natural and there is nothing wrong with that. What is wrong is having a snobbish attitude towards others who don't share your interests.

[Iceman26]

I agree with what RayKay and Tyler said.

 

Personally, I don't find fault with what you are saying here. It sounds like she let herself go when she got comfortable in the relationship. It isn't like you can help losing your sexual attraction to her.

 

I think you need to sit down and have a good talk with her, express your concerns in the nicest, yet firmest way possible.

 

If she blows you off, well, it may be time to end the relationship and find someone better suited for you.

[RayKay]

Man, no one said here to exercise "fanatically". There is a BIG difference between living a healthy lifestyle and being obsessive about it. I did not see tyler, nor myself, or anyone else recommend to "become an exercise fanatic". In fact that is rarely advised by anyone since it is both physically and mentally draining.

 

I don't see there being a snobbish attitude. I see there being an incompatibility and there is nothing wrong with wanting a compatibility. Everyone has the right to do what they want, and I will not criticize someone's choices in that regards. But how many times have I heard people whom DON'T exercise call me "nuts" for making it important in my life, or criticizing MY eating habits as "boring" for example? It goes both ways.

 

It does not make me "elitist" to care about MY health.

 

Just because I keep fit does not mean I also do not do "other things" - I DO volunteer, I donate both time and money, I also have always pursued education and am returning to school as well. I also use my exercise to help with causes - like breast cancer fundraising which is a cause very dear to my heart. I do not "exercise constantly". My family is a priority, I also have a job, school and friendships and hobbies like art and travel I enjoy. I just however also consider good health important too. So, who is judging here?

 

And yes, many people whom exercise die of illnesses - of course they do as we ALL die of something eventually and you cannot remove 100% of your risk. If you have a genetic risk, your chances are great of getting it whatever you do. But I can also say they also reduce their risks of MANY of them, and of additional ones that are greatly linked to obesity and poor health habits.

 

Sorry but it is a PROVEN health benefit, and that cannot be denied. My mum during chemo was advised to exercise because it improves her chances of survival by 50% - that is a HUGE improvement.

 

It is not snobbish to want to be with someone whom shares those values and interests...it does not mean you are looking down on those whom don't, it's just you know what FITS right with you.

 

I don't want someone whom ONLY exercises..that IS boring. I want someone balanced, whom has intelligence, wit, a healthy lifestyle, compassion, deep respect and commitment to their family, and so forth.

[tylercdurden2004]

Again it has nothing to do being athletic. Being in shape and athletic are two totally different things. Again your argument is exactly what my point is. Why is mental health (intelligence) more important than physical health?

 

Quite frankly its total BS that its assumed somehow being smart is more important than being in shape. Both these things fade over time. Neither is enough on its own and each person should put some effort into both in my belief. However all to often is simple seen as ok that someone neglects their body but not their mind.

 

As for a badge of honour, yes people should be proud of their physical accomplishments just as they should be proud of their mental accomplishments. Should they look down on others regardless of whether its a physical or mental accomplishment, no. But that doesnt excuse laziness whether in the physical or mental arena. Somehow society says its ok to overeat and not exercise, but its not ok to smoke. Huh? How does this flawed or lack of logic work.

 

If you think being overweight doesnt effect other members of society think again. Family members suffer because overweight people die earlier, society has to accommodate overweight people at the cost to society (Ford making bigger seats in which the cost will be footed by everyone) I can list more. There is almost air of entitlement when it comes to obesity. "People should just like me for my inside" well guess what being lazy and lacking self control and self esteem are inside issues. The entitlement that "people should accommodate me" heck I would love nothing more than to have society (airlines in particular) accommodate my broader than average shoulders.

 

Having said that there are genuine cases where obesity is not so easily preventable such as injury, hormonal, genetic. But these are in the minority. Again its the entitlement part that bothers me the most which is what a lot of the first responses were dealing with. The OPs girlsfriend doesnt have some entitlement for people to be attracted to her if she makes no effort. Sorry but it dont work that way. Sure some people may enjoy certain body types. But just as I dont want a girl who is super skinny because she doesnt eat or has an eating disorder I dont want a GF who eats to much and doesnt work out. Like wise I dont want a GF who spend all day studying and exercising her mind I also dont want a GF who doesnt try to exercise her mind. Its about balance and entitlement is not part of that equation.

 

If your interest is sitting infront of the TV eating Doritos everyday just dont expect others to to understand your situation.

[Jennster]

I agree with RayKay. Being in the GF position...being out of shape myself...I understood my BF's concerns. I don't think he's selfish for feeling that way. I wanted to live a healthy life for MYSELF and so we could be healthy together! Because of the issues he expessed to me I have successfully completed my first week on the Body for Life program and I have tremendous self confidence that I can get myself healthy again.

 

I think it is sad that American's don't place enough emphasis on health...it's more superficial these days. I have migraines and exercising and eating right has dramatically decreased my occurrence of them.

 

From a fat girl standpoint I completely agree with RayKay and many others...it's not selfish to want your partner to be healthy.