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i feel weird now.


monkey1
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my boyfriend and i have been having some problems lately that over the last few weeks have become worse, at least for me. we're in a LDR and we used to talk about sex, like what we wanted to do together and basically turn each other on. he was my first and i totally look forward to sleeping with him again.

 

anyway, one of the issues i was having that frustrated me is we used to talk about sex and then it basically faded away. i tried initiating and nothing.

 

i finally asked him today half afraid of what his reponse would be. he said that i was never in the mood when he was in the mood and it vice versa, so really it wasn't anyone's fault. i thought "ok". i understood. then he said that he tried to get me to do phone sex and i guess i didn't want to. talking about sex online with him took me a while to get into and now i enjoy it. the phone, well, i tired it once with him and it was awkward and i was nervous and quiet as he told me what he wanted to do to me. we haven't seen each other in a very long time.

 

anyway, i apologized for being heistant about it all and he said it was ok. then he said "to be brutally honest, I wasn't getting anything out of slow IM conversations about what we might do. they were so G-rated." i didn't know what to say. my heart dropped and i was speechless. he said sorry and said that he thought phone sex would spice things up, but when i said i didn't want to, he kind of thought, well what's the point?

 

he said that things can be better and that was the problem.

 

so now i feel weird. now i feel like i was the problem, like i'm not enough for him. i felt like what we were expressing to each online was good, but i didn't think it was THAT boring or i wasn't turning him on. it's especially hard because i'm way more inexperienced than him and i feel like i'm at a disadvantage. i don't know, i'm confused. i mean the last thing you want is to feel like you don't turn your partner on.

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It is ok, I think the problem is that you dont see him and he cant see you. I sugest you and him get a web cam so you can see each outher that would help a ton.
i got one at WalMart for five bucks. you can also put batteries in it, unplug the cord and use it as a camera.

 

the picture quality isn't great, but hey, it's five bucks!

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in a mature loving relationship, a guy would NOT tell you you're doing something that's "not right" he would lovingly nudge you along and tell you "it's okay" we can work on this together, don't feel any pressure, I love you more than a simple phone sex thing".

 

You are NOT the problem here, HE IS.... believe me, any guy worth staying with would NOT make you feel "less than", You are perfect, learning, sweet, growing up and a REAL HONEST GREAT GUY would find your inexperience charming, and your willingness to work on it a joy.. .so please consider the fact that this guy is a jerk... if he's already complaining about your sex life, then tell him to go GET A LIFE... relationships are more then about "sex".. and your "feelings should come first".... let us know how your'e doing... best, blender

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Huh, that was rather cruel of him to say I think. He could of suggested ways to make it hotter, rather than attack how you had done it...I don't know.

 

I think part of the problem here is you have not seen each other in a couple years either. When you go that long without seeing someone, you can kinda lose some of that "spark" or connection to a degree, because the virtual stuff can only hold you off and "strengthen" it for so long.

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Yeah I was kind of surprised the way he said it which is probably why I was left a bit speechless. He usually much nicer about things, but part of me thinks it was really late at the time ... like almost 3am his time so maybe that would explain why he said it the way he did.

 

I would have appreciated that he said it a bit nicer.

 

I think too RayKay the problem is we haven't seen each other in a long time. It's hard to keep that spark but I guess I was totally left in the dark. I kind of wish he had told me he was unhappy a long time ago with what we were doing rather than tell me now and make me feel like I was the problem. I'm sure he doesn't think it's how it made me feel, but sometimes things come out wrong.

 

Blender, he's not a jerk, believe me. Just the way he said it was a bit rude. Anyway, I'm super duper tight on money so I can't afford to go get a webcam; i have an ibook and i need an isight. plus my ibook's been giving me issues lately and it's not worth it to spend 150 bucks on a cam i will prob only be able to use till this computer dies which will be in 6-8 months.

 

anyway, i'll probably talk to him later about it.

 

thanks all.

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You are talking about symptoms, the cause of which is LDR - 2 years not seen each other.

 

I suggest to talk to him about when to be together and the real cause for being apart 2 years in the first place.

 

I am a guy and not young either and would be different on the phone and would move haven to be together. There are cheaper courier flights for example.

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in a mature loving relationship, a guy would NOT tell you you're doing something that's "not right" he would lovingly nudge you along and tell you "it's okay" we can work on this together, don't feel any pressure, I love you more than a simple phone sex thing".

 

You are NOT the problem here, HE IS.... believe me, any guy worth staying with would NOT make you feel "less than", You are perfect, learning, sweet, growing up and a REAL HONEST GREAT GUY would find your inexperience charming, and your willingness to work on it a joy.. .so please consider the fact that this guy is a jerk... if he's already complaining about your sex life, then tell him to go GET A LIFE... relationships are more then about "sex".. and your "feelings should come first".... let us know how your'e doing... best, blender

 

So by your same logic, any time my girlfriend is on her period or isn't in the mood to have sex with me she is a total b!tch and only MATURE, and honestly GREAT GIRLS would have sex with me even when they dont want to.

 

Additionally, I think he already said it wasnt anyones fault...

 

I think you're reading into this too much. To me it sounds like phone sex and IM chats were sexually frustrating to him. I know how it works. I see my girlfriend at least twice a month (until we move back to school in 2 weeks !) and even then I always have an erection when I talk to her on the phone at night before bed (which I tell her, to which she always responds "Oh gawd....". Cutie !) even when we arent discussing sexual things.

 

Men are very visual creatures, so while you may be getting turned on by chatting online and talking on the phone, you have to understand that maybe he's not getting as much out of it as you are. He didn't mean to hurt your feelings because he didnt tell you until you asked about it, but I'm guessing that he was just getting very sexually frustrated because he couldn't actually have sex with you. I would see that as a normal problem, definitely not rejection!

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I can understand being visual, I mean I was sending pics and even some videos (of myself that is)!! I'm thinking "HELLO! Does this work?" I was hoping it would spark some interest and I would get a little reponse, like an "Oooo, hot" but it never launched into some conversation. So then I gave up. I thought, well what's the point, I'm trying and nothing's happening.

 

IM chats and phone sex (well we did it only once) are horrible subsitutions for actual sex. And I'm extremely frustrated and I'm trying hard to deal with it, but it's hard to deal with it when the other person just stops talking to you about it.

 

And I'm sorry, telling someone who is already sexually inexperienced and that when you were talking about sex felt "g-rated" doesn't exactly make me feel any better about myself or the situation. I think personally when it comes to sex and expressing your needs, that's not something to say to someone because it only made me feel worse.

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recap:

-AIM chat sex wasn't turning him on.

-you tried phone sex, he was talking really dirty to you, you were quiet and reserved

-he tried to apologize for freaking you out (or what he percieved as freaking you out...you were quiet, non-responsive, awkward !)on the phone when he was talking like a drunken porn star by contrasting that to the "G-Rated"ness of your AIM chats.

 

read: "Sorry about that, I got a little carried away." He probably thought you were freaked out about him being so dirty, but was kinda hinting at "well, sorry, thats what turns me on..." (as opposed to the, in contrast, innocent AIM sex, which wasn't working for him).

 

Your sexual experience (or lack thereof) I'm sure was the last thing on his mind. That's merely a little sensitivity and insecurity on your part (nothing wrong with that, just self-conscious). It was just a simple case of opposite sex miscommunication, I assure you. If you don't believe me, ask him.

 

As a guy, I think it would be hard to be turned on with text-sex on the internet. You can't even hear the tone of their voice...or their voice at all. I'd probably get more turned on talking to a girl when I was ordering pizza from Dominos. But that's just me.

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