Sigh Issues.... Just feel like venting if that's ok..

[KIDD]

Being alone alot can be depressing but it really makes me sit here & think alot. Most of my friends don't have time for me anymore because they're busy. Which is fine because I feel like I'm drifting away & I'm slowly drifting into my own world. I'm on this conquest to find myself & love myself. My issues runs deep. I really don't think I love myself, I don't feel good.. I mean I don't think I'm attractive or smart,interesting enough for anybody. People have made fun of me all of my life, they have said things from you have a big nose to my face is messed up with acne or I was just plain lame. I've had people laugh at me & it has seriously effected me. I really can't get out of feeling that I am ugly. Somedays I may feel great but it's really rare. I don't think I could ever catch anyone's attention & adding to the fact that I'm gay makes it harder to find someone.

 

I've also been betrayed & hurt alot & most recently I got betrayed by who I thought was a close friend.I thought we were so cool & I've known him since 2nd grade. Last night he basically called to tell me that he was tired of talking to me & that he thinks I'm pathetic.Basically I was telling him about my problems & I guess that's why he thinks that. He's trying to make it as a R&B singer & he may do well, now that things look good for him, he has no time for the little people (which is me). It hurted me so bad, I couldn't even sleep last night. I'm still hurt over it really. It seems I'm one of the nicest people you can know, but people take that for granted & they just step & crush all over my heart

 

So now that I'm completely all alone, I'm sad & worried alot. It gives me time to focus on my future. It's still not clear exactly but I do hope that things will get better & that things will make sense in time. I'm worried that I may have a disorder which is ADD. Read my post in Health,Body & Spirit to read more about it. I'm wondering if I'm the problem or if I really do have a disorder, I don't know. I think I am stupid, I mean I can't grasp information well..

 

As far as a career, I have big dreams of doing something that makes a difference in the world. I really would like to be above average. I just want to feel complete happiness & just at peace.The problem is, I don't know exactly what it is.Working at Walmart is fine but it seriously sucks. My co-workers act weird with me & I just go about my business. Today was such a bad day for me at work. For one, I was so hurt over what my X friend did to me the following night & I was outside pushing carts. I was so zoned out that I let the machine that picks up the carts ram straight into a car](*,). So I dented someone's car!! Everything was fine & the customer understood I made a mistake. However Walmart have to pay for the damages. I felt pretty bad. Then I got into a big argument with a co-worker at the store. It was pretty bad, I accidently bumped into her & she made a big scene about it. I apologised but she ran off at the mouth. That was so embarrassing.

 

I'm just alone & I have no one to talk to but here, sorry about my dreaded posts. It seems like there's never improvement in my life. That's my problem though. I will be stronger in the end I guess, things just looks so unclear & bad right now..

[Alabama]

It can seem that many times in our life that we are truly lost, but you don't have to be. You have here, and I am sure there are many people online who will listen. As you said, you have time to think about your future so do that. And everyone is different, so those people whose opinion's say you are ugly, and unintelligent are horribly wrong. They have no factual or correct basis for their blatant assumptions. You are a good person. We all are. It's important not to worry about the small things. Go out and socialize and do things that you want to do. Make what time you have now to good use. It's important not to get depressed about these things, as the future can still be bright.

[KIDD]

It can seem that many times in our life that we are truly lost, but you don't have to be. You have here, and I am sure there are many people online who will listen. As you said, you have time to think about your future so do that. And everyone is different, so those people whose opinion's say you are ugly, and unintelligent are horribly wrong. They have no factual or correct basis for their blatant assumptions. You are a good person. We all are. It's important not to worry about the small things. Go out and socialize and do things that you want to do. Make what time you have now to good use. It's important not to get depressed about these things, as the future can still be bright.

 

I understand that I shouldn't take in what people say, but I've heard it so much all of my life that I've been sorta brainwashed to believe that maybe indeed it's true. I am working out currently however to improve my look I guess.

 

I'm trying to learn how to not be so down on my rough periods in life. If I keep this up, I will not make it far. It's just so hard being alone & I really don't like socializing. In a way I want to be by myself & then I don't. I mean it's hard for me to trust people. I make friends & it basically starts off in a lie.

 

I guess my question is, how do you be happy when it feels like no one around me really cares about me? I really just need to focus on myself & no care what people do to me or think.. It's just so hard though..

[Luke Skywalker]

I've read through your thread and your vent and sympathise with your situation. I understand that these negative experiences seem to be reinforcing themselves on you and are weighing down, and different things just seem to happen like a vicious cycle or negative feed-back loop.

 

My position would always be to recommend Jesus, and to seek God out for purpose and direction, because that has helped add meaning to my life, and you can make some friends in a church as well if you try a few of them out.

 

Do you have TV? Try going on Christian stations to listen to some of the TV Evangelists. Now I know they have a bad reputation sometimes for asking for money - but not all of them do that, but good evangelists can be very inspiring and motivatoinal. Some of the most inspirational and motivational preachers are Joyce Myers, Joel Osteen, Price (People's Church), Jack Van Impe. I think you are at a point that you need to sit down, put on the TV, and listen to some really motivational speakers.

 

You are created in the image of God and God has a plan and purpose for your life. So, I hope this helps you, and at the very least, you can know that someone really read your post and cares about your situation.

[brando]

KIDD,

 

It is hard. But it will get better. I know you are on the right path, and it seems lonely and dark, but you will find some of the answers you need to get you to the next level.. then you will learn a little more.

 

I cannot identify with everything you are going through, most specificalyy your sexuality confrontation. That alone must be a struggle. I kno wit seem sdark and no one cares... but find that inner strength and you will be ok..

 

be well,

brando

[FoxLocke]

How do you know that he doesn't already have religion? Kidd is a spiritual person and believes in a god. Sometimes people just have problems. And everyone goes into a funk every now and again, whether they are religious or not. I don't think he is looking for evangelization at the moment...He just needs a shoulder to lean on.

 

KIDD, we are all here for you. If you ever need someone to talk to, privately, just drop me a message. I know how you feel and what you are going through.

[bulletproof]

Hi KIDD. Sorry you're feeling so low right now. You asked what you can do to stop caring what others think and to feel better? I don't really know the one answer to that, but I can tell you things that I have done to make myself feel better and develop a thicker skin.

 

There are lots of books that can help you. Just do a search on Amazon for self-help and/or motivational books. Some are kind of cheesy, but some can be really helpful. I also like to read a lot of memoirs and biographies, because they are often about people overcoming tremendous odds to do really amazing things.

 

Do you still live with your family? Are they supportive of you? Is there anyone at all you can talk to? I think that what's hardest to remember during low moments is that we really do have control over our lives, to a great extent. It's just learning how to use it that's tough. Things can change for you, so don't lose hope. Keep posting here and everyone will help you as best as they can.

[KIDD]

As for my family & support, my family seems to be in a whole other world. My mom actually saw me crying last night at the dinner table. She told me to stop being such a baby & wake up. She then proceeded to leave the dinner table & eat in the living room. If that didn't make me feel worse, I don't know what else does. My mother & I can be cool at times & sometimes she can just be so ugh!!She gives me tough love I suppose. My father & I have never really bonded. I can't share with him or talk with him so I don't bother talking to him much at all. My sister is cool but we're in two different worlds, plus she's far away from me & has a family to take care of.

 

What bothers me is it seems like everyone is happy & moving along with their lives. Everyone deserted me when I was always there for them. I just seriously have the worst luck. I believe in god but sometimes I feel like praying these days doesn't work. I mean I started before recently & I felt good for awhile, but I still felt like crap. Sometimes I just feel stupid trying to talk to god, like maybe I'm wasting my time..

 

I'm hurt & I know I'll be better. It will take time to get on my feet but I will survive. Maybe if I can get a good book & just do some me time for awhile. I'm constantly changing my mind about what I want to do in life. I want to leave home for college one day & then I want to stay here. It's just so much uncertainty & confusion in my life. I'm really unstable with my decisions & what my goals are exactly.

 

I guess all of this stuff happened for a reason.. I think this will make me stronger. I just don't feel strong right now. I didn't even eat yesterday or today.. I've just been soaking in my room looking at the ceiling. I just want to be alone for awhile again. I didn't even talk to my mother ever since that episode last night. I won't even look her way. I've grown a resentment towards people around my area. I can't trust anyone, not even my own family for help.

 

I don't know what life has in store for me.. but I'm really down in the dumps & I feel so alone & isolated. Yeah people tell me to go out & do this & do that but I always end up after the end of the day alone.. I mean I don't understand myself. I really don't know what can make me happy.. I try to do things to better myself but I never feel complete or happy. I'm like lost right now..

[nottoogreen]

Well, you crying at the table and she Shhhhhng you must have hurt and angered you. If you think you are stuck now I understand.

 

Your mom is faith-driven and that works for her, but not for you. Your mom really lacks empathy. She just can't understand you.

 

Please read the mental survival stuff in your other thread again.

 

You may be best off to see a counselor now, and again please look into ADD.

 

If you are religious, could you see a priest?

 

If you want to talk about what hurt, angers and bothers you, just go ahead.

[bulletproof]

I asked about your family specifically because a lot of times that is where we develop our ideas about who and what we are. That doesn't always mean that what we've been labeled as is true. You are carrying around a lot of horrible things, and that must be so painful.

 

Just be really wary of the idea of "bad luck". I know it's really hard to hear when you're at such a low point, but we do tend to make our own luck. Don't get me wrong- I know people have been cruel to you. But you are now at a point where you can start taking things into your own hands. Write here and try out some ideas of how you could do that. Or maybe you just vent some more, whatever it is you feel like you need to do.

 

I remember being nineteen and it was a really confusing time. I wish I had known someone then who would tell me that it does get easier, so I will be that person for you now and tell you: it does get easier. Up until this point, you have probably lived in a pretty small world of family and friends that you have known for years. Does it help at all to know that not all people are cruel? They really aren't. And I hope that you are able to meet some that show their kindness to you.

[MI_Shell]

Don't give the slightest thought at what these people who made fun of you think. Their poor behavior is a reflection of their insecurities about themselves. Sometimes when there is a person that is special for example you with extra intelligence, character and talents than the everyday person they can try and make you feel inferior. When you have an emotional connection to them it can be hard to see this objectively. Just pursue your dreams and you will leave them all for dust. These are small minded people there are very better things ahead for you and you will meet people who appreciate you. Be patient.

 

Unfortunately a lot of human beings leave a lot to be desired. It is very disappointing when people you have been there for desert you. I had this happen to me and at least you can know you did the right thing, some people are selfish or just don't know how to reach out and help others.

[FoxLocke]

Kidd, I think you really need someone who will give you emotional support.

Because it seems like you are going into a depression. Don't feel bad. We have all been depressed at some point or another. Now, you have the oppurtunity to turn it around.

 

Do you have any hotline numbers in your area? You need to look in a phonebook, or surf the web, and find out is there any toll free phone number in your area that helps children and adults...All you really need is a listening ear that is not going to judge you.

It won't be a cure all, but it is a definite start.

 

But, whatever you do, don't give up on your hopes and dreams. I'm telling you because I am going through(and have been through)ALOT of what you are going through now.

 

Blessed Be.

[KIDD]

Kidd, I think you really need someone who will give you emotional support.

Because it seems like you are going into a depression. Don't feel bad. We have all been depressed at some point or another. Now, you have the oppurtunity to turn it around.

 

Do you have any hotline numbers in your area? You need to look in a phonebook, or surf the web, and find out is there any toll free phone number in your area that helps children and adults...All you really need is a listening ear that is not going to judge you.

It won't be a cure all, but it is a definite start.

 

 

I feel somewhat better today but not really.I didn't know they have hotlines where I can actually chat with somebody that will listen. I will look into that.Foxlocke I just read your thread & I admire you because you seem like you went through a whole lot & you seem to have your head together. How do you keep it together??

 

I'm just bitter & I feel a little worthless. I mean it seems like there's no one here that cares about me. Everyday is blank, it's not fun or exciting. I just do what I have to do & then I come home everynight in my room to boredom. Life has annoyed me alot to a degree. I mean I'm just so tired of the ignorance in the world, the constant hatred & discrimination.I'm tired of caring about people, & they don't care back. Just wasted energy when I should have been focused on me.

 

I'm actually wanting to be straight now. It's weird, there's this pretty girl at work that likes me so much. She's pretty, sweet,caring & everything you could want. But I'm just not into females like that. I mean if I was straight, I'd probably talk to her. In a weird way I sorta do, I can't explain it. I mean if I was straight, that would be a slight ticket to happiness since I'm single & annoyed about it. The gay lifestyle doesn't seem like it will bring me happiness. I just dream of having this family & just feeling complete. I mean I could have a boyfriend & live happily ever after, but it just doesn't feel right. I mean it's not normal to society & we'll always be looked down upon. It's weird, I really want to be straight.. I just want to be in societies NORM.I'm constantly lying to family & friends about having a girlfriend & not being true to myself is aggravating.Nobody doesn't even want to settle down these days anyway, it's all about sex & it discourages me. All I hear from my straight guy friends are, I'm doing this chick tonight or I'm talkin to this b****, it's sickening to hear. I'm not a sexual being & all of my friends are just out partying, having sex or doing whatever. I mean I don't have thrills out of that & I can't find people my age range that's just in chill mode. This makes me feel isolated alot!

 

However, I'll make the best of what life throws at me, I have a roof over my head & I have food & water unlike some places where people are starving. There are people out there that have it worse than me so I can't complain. I feel so sorry for the people out there that's going through so much. I really think alot of us don't realise what we have. I mean, we take everything in our lives for granted. I mean just be thankful, be humble & happy..

[nottoogreen]

Hi Kidd,

 

Good you see that FoxLocke does the right thing. Everyone has to move at ones own pace and when you are ready for change, therapy or us here will be able to help you more. Meanwhile, please keep posting, a journal here in the Journals forum may be good for you too.

[FoxLocke]

Hey Kidd,

 

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I used to wish I was straight for a VERY long time too. In fact, It got to the point where I was totally swimming in that river in Egypt(Denial). I tried dating females and all that. However, I never felt that magic that I feel when I love the way that I was born to love.

And then I felt guilty, worthless, and ashamed of who I really was due to my upbringing and etc...I won't lie. It is hard to be a young gay male, especially in our current climate of anti-gay bigotry and intolerance in the name of God...

 

Like you I come from a: southern, Baptist, African American background like you. That mix is a cesspool of blatant homophobia. I know that many of my white gay friends suffer from homophobia in their communities; however, I think it is ten times as worse in African Americans. I think it is primarily because of our religious backgrounds and the idea that homosexuality is a "white" thing...Even though my mom is biracial she used to(until I came out)hold the same attitudes. I caught hell from my entire immediate family when I came out. They were more concerned about what the general public would think as opposed to me being true to myself.

 

Infact, I don't know where I would be were it not for enotalone.com. Coming to this website was the only way I got through it all.

 

Anyway, like I said, I can identify with you. I have those "I wish I was straight" moments too. I often think about how easier it would be to be like everyone else. I could get married, bring my mate around my family(minus any controversy it would entail), hold hands in public(without fear of retaliation from some drunken frat boys), and just do what is considered "The norm" by everyone else...I am not being concieted, but if I actually wanted a girlfriend I know I could go and get one. I know alot of girls that are attracted to me; and I find alot of them to be attractive too...I could easily go out with someone--like I used to--and perpetuate a front.

 

However, I stop and think about myself and the other person. Do I really want to live like that? Do I really want to, potentially, ruin someone else's life so I can be "like everyone else?"

I remember when I used to want to marry a woman. I thought about the proverbial "dream" ALOT. I wanted the beautiful christian wife(and she had to be a virgin); the two kids(a boy and a girl, in that order); two dogs(no specific breed); Ford trucks; and the big house on the hill with the neatly manicured lawn...

Notice that an active and healthy sex life is NOWHERE in the equation. All I cared about was the image of what I thought life was supposed to be like. Moreover, I realized that I wanted what I thought I wanted because it was "the norm" not because I truly WANTED that life...I cared more about maintaining an image rather than achieving my happiness. And, as I got older, I realized that I couldn't make anyone else happy. I had to think about numero uno--ME--first.

Most important of all I thought about love. Do I want to just go through the motions in a marraige, experiencing no pleasure(the thought of being with a woman, even a foxy one, leaves me feeling void)? Or do I want to be able to love someone: emotionally, spiritually, and sexually in a full capacity? I choose the latter, no matter what life throws at me.

 

I knew that coming out would be hard. I won't lie I didn't have the IDEAL coming out experience where my mom would say, "I knew you were gay all along!" and give me a huge hug and just accept me totally(but my mom did give me a huge hug and loved me no matter what)...

I dealt with a religious fundies who still views my sexuality as something akin to a terminal illness. And family members who think I am just going through a phase and trying to be different. Hell, a gay guy I kissed turned around and told me that God didn't like homosexuality(I wish I had never met him!)...

But you know what? It made me a stronger person. Simply because I dealt with this from people I cared about--should it come up in the real world-- I can take whatever comes my way. True, I may not have the Norman Rockwell painting life...But who in the heck does nowadays?

 

When I came out I started reexamining what I--ME--wanted from life. Instead I dream a new dream for myself.

 

I want a handsome husband, a nice house, a nice car, some cats(because I love cats), and--maybe--I'll become a foster parent(not sure I want to be a full-time parent. I love kids but not that much). And I feel that, as long as I'm not hurting anyone, that it is none of anyone's business who I love and how I love.

 

Now, I no longer wish I was straight(well, sometimes when I get depressed I do...but those times are getting to be few and far between). Because I think, "Would I still be the person I am today?" I am starting to learn to love me, and now I look at my sexuality as a gift. I think all sexuality is a gift...And I don't give two flyin flips what some old, ugly, catfish faced, preacher has to say about it...

 

KIDD, even though I no longer believe in Christianity I STILL believe in a God. And you know what? I believe God has a plan for you. This struggle you are going through is only momentary. Oneday you are going to get excited about your life again AND you are going to be happy about being who you are...Not what everyone thinks you are supposed to be.

 

Don't live a life of deception just to keep up an appearance...In the long run you will have nothing but regret. Furthermore, don't look for love from someone else until you find it in yourself.

 

Believe me, you will get through this. You really will. But you shouldn't go through it alone. Keeping coming here to vent your problems; talk to hotlines, read gay affirmative literature(if you need some suggestions I have a list of books), and keep nurturing yourself.

 

As gay men we have to deal with all the extra crap society tries to heap on us. I am looking forward to the day when I am completely unapologetic about my sexuality. I don't owe ANYONE a damn explanation about it.