Do you tell them you are doing NC and what if they get angry?

[Anotherday]

I had been doing ok (sort of) with NC and each day I could tell was getting (a little) better, then my ex BF called me. What a disaster. I'm sure he ended up misinterpreting the few calls I made to him on my cell phone that really were for no reason other than to return his or discuss a work issue.

 

At any rate, I need to do the NC thing again. Thing is, does a person tell the other person or just do it? What if the other person gets really angry and keeps calling with each message more hostile? The guy in question gets really angry when I don't answer my phone and if I go NC and he calls me, it will really make him mad. I don't want to permanently destroy the relationship by making him angry. Any thoughts are welcome, as I'm new at the whole concept of NC. Thanks.

[REDIRECT43]

I actually told my ex to never call me again. A week later, he sent me a text which I ignored. A month went by and then he text me AGAIN making up some story about my MySpace page. I was so mad that he contacted me again. He got mad that I was mad. I don't think it matters if you tell them you are doing NC or not...they will find some way to get into contact. But if you tell him you are doing NC, and he contacts you, prepare to be P'd off!

[rose2summer]

Don't tell them you are doing NC, just do it. It gives you more of a free clean break. Of course don't do NC unless you are broken up though because otherwise it's not fair to them.

[Anotherday]

Don't tell them you are doing NC, just do it. It gives you more of a free clean break. Of course don't do NC unless you are broken up though because otherwise it's not fair to them.

 

Question -- isn't it kind of mean to not tell them and just do it? I would hate for someone to just cut me off with no explanation, even if we were broken up. Oh well, it will make sense to me at some point. Thanks.

[renaissancewoman101]

NC is supposed to be for you so that you can heal and get over the relationship. It isnt for the person who broke up with you. They broke up with you so they have no control of whether you should do NC or not.

[rose2summer]

Question -- isn't it kind of mean to not tell them and just do it? I would hate for someone to just cut me off with no explanation, even if we were broken up. Oh well, it will make sense to me at some point. Thanks.

 

No, it's not mean to do that to them. They obviously didn't care about us enough to be with us, so why should we be nice. It's meant for you no them, so you can heal as renaissancewoman nicely put it. Don't be the nice person here, protect yourself, worry about you right now and not them, who cares about them, seriously, if they didn't care enough about you, why care about them. I know it sounds harsh, but it's the truth.

[rose2summer]

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See how this woman kicked her ex to the curb, do the same! You need to do NC for you and only you, not with the hopes of returning to him or him returning to you. Over time, you will feel the wounds heal. I was in this position last year with a previous ex and yes the wounds heal, but they heal 1000 times faster if you are not talking to them.

[blemished]

Ditto Rose.

[JohnnyTable]

They can get mad, but that is their problem. It is not your problem.

 

You aleady have a reason to do NC and that is because you broke up.

[FCTex]

If your not with them, you offer them NO JUSTIFICATION FOR ANY ACTIONS TO TAKE TO BETTER YOURSELF AFTER THE BREAK UP.

 

 

Okay, now.. Re-read what I just typed..

 

You do NOT have to tell them ANY reason that you want to start NC. You don't have to justify anything you say, do, don't say, or don't do to you ex's.

 

Life by it, and learn from it. You don't need to be considerate, because after all, your not with them.

[Anotherday]

Wow, what good thoughts and I thank you. As I was reading your replies I realized, once again, just how codependent I am. I've started going to CODA about one month ago, and it just feels like I really need it. I know I should not be worried about what someone else thinks or feels, but I do it anyway and need to break that.

 

You are right about NC. I feel much worse after yesterday. I even called him tonight (he wasn't home) to try to fix yesterday, so he wouldn't think I was stalking him via phone calls yesterday. I won't call him again, and I'll try to resist the urge to send that one last note telling him I love him and that I'm sorry he is so angry with me and that I hope someday he isn't. Every contact just seems to make me feel worse and mess things up more.

 

I will not give up my volunteering completely because of him (but I am not anywhere near strong enough to subject myself to what I had), so I will probably go in once in awhile when I know he's in and out of the office so I may not even see him. If I do see him, I will politely say hello and leave it at that.

 

Thanks for making me realize that how he feels really isn't my problem and that my healing takes priority. I am sooooooooo glad I found this board.

 

Still, I do feel sad and that I would have liked the last word, or at least not leaving things (last contact) on such an icky note. I guess we don't always get to pick these things or control them as we'd like.

[Anotherday]

P.s. and one more thought...

 

Was it natural to think that "who cares what the other person thinks or feels because they don't really care how we feel," or was that something that evolved over time? I'd like to be there, but it will take awhile for that thought to really sink in and for me to feel good about it.

[FCTex]

It's natural. You'll be there. You just need to look and be honest about what happened and find something that was wrong with it(because there was) and get angry over it.

 

 

I'm not saying being bitter is the best weapon to move on, but it certainly sparks the timbers if that means anything to you.. You have to want to do more than apologize for the problems that YOU dont fully need to take on.. It's not your problem now, and you shouldn't have to take blame or feel bad about anything.

 

You also don't need to keep telling him, and worrying about the way the last contact took. You'll ultimately end up where you started.... upset.

[LeftBehind]

Personally, I told her I was deleting her number because it would be wrong for me to talk to her further.

 

Unfortunately this only came after 3-4 weeks of me being obsessive, clingy, needy, pathetic, and desperate. I made a complete fool of myself.....

 

At the time I didn't understand much about NC, and I hadn't come accross these forums.

 

But the 100 percent ONLY way for contact to be made is by her. I got rid of her e-mail address, blocked her myspace, and deleted her phone number.

 

2.5 months, no contact what so ever.

 

I was pretty much strung along the entire time, and at this point have absolutely no desire to ever pursue that piece of garbage again.

 

I have a funny feeling I'll hear from her one day. She's gonna get the shock of her life when the finds out I'm not so in love with her as I thought I was.

[LONESOUL]

I agree with NC. It helps. It really really helps.

I went through somewhat the samething as leftbehind did. I was pathetic.

But I have been in NC for a few weeks now (except for a quick call from her to me yesterday on my work phone, asking a dumb question..and I was very short) Now I am beginning to see things more clearly, when I think about them at all. I am starting to focus on me, not on my ex. I don't know if my ex will ever, whatever you want to call it, figure out what she lost, miss me, want me back...pick one,

pick any, maybe none the thing is, I am REALLY starting not to care~so, if it ever happens I hope won't give a crap. Care about how NC makes YOU feel, it does not matter how it makes them feel.

[Speedway]

I've been awhile on NC with my ex and today she sent an email (after finding out I'm blocking her on IM) asking for CD recommendations (she has a gift voucher I gave for her birthday a long time ago). She's been in a new relationship for a couple of months now but wants us to be friends.

 

I found the whole email a bit lame especially since she could ask that trivial thing from anyone including her new boyfriend. I suspect it is partly quilt she feels and partly she just thinks that we can be friends and talk and hang out together whenever it is fine by her.

 

Anyway, I politely answered shortly and stated that I don't expect any future communication. Part of me feels ok that I replied but I would not mind if I hadn't replied at all. I'd probably not reply if I got to choose again.