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Bf's ex continues to contact him, disrespecting me


adidas7fire
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When you are in a relationship with someone, don't you do everything you possibly can in order to make that person feel like the most special in the world? What I am getting at is that my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years. About 6 months ago, his ex emailed him out of the blue saying that she seeked "closure." So he responded back giving her closure. He got a return email telling him that she was in another state, married and had a son. After that email, he didn't hear from her for another 3 months. Then I found out that he had looked up her email on myspace to see if she had an account and when he saw it, he instantly emailed her and requested her as a friend. They email back weekly.

 

So here's the problem. When she first emailed, I was ok with it. Sure, she wanted to tell him how much better life was now and blah blah blah. But then we got into a small fight because I told him how it made me feel when they emailed back and forth. Instead of ending contact with her, he turned it on me saying that it was because I didn't trust him. That isn't the case at all. The issue is that he is neglecting and not respecting my feelings as his girlfriend when in fact he KNOWS how it makes me feel. I mean, he dumped her because she was nothing but drama and quote "psycho" and couldn't wait to get out of the relationship. So now it doesn't make since that he wants to start up a friendship with her again after all that. Wouldn't you NOT want to re-live those past experiences???

 

It just hurts my feelings so badly that he isn't being at all respectful of my emotions about him emailing his ex. Though he may tell me when I ask who the email he's reading is from but it doesn't make me feel any better knowing that they still talk. She's married, with child.. why couldn't she have taken her closure and accept the fact that he has moved on. This shows me on both ends of him AND her the lack of respect for me and I just don't know how to approach him to talk about this... again. How can I tell him it's not a TRUST issue but a lack of respecting my emotions as his girlfriend??????? This is really making me depressed and I've tried everything to calm myself down but I can't. Please help me!

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Hey adidas,

 

 

Hmm, I am not sure what my take is on this to be honest. I don't think making you feel special is exclusive from having a friendship with his ex.

 

It does not seem it is much more than emails now and then, and it does not seem he hides these contacts from you either.

 

Yes, there should be respect for your feelings, but on the flipside he is a big boy whom can also make choices to have friends or not and it's not your duty or "right" to make those choices for him. You can decide that his choices conflict with your own wishes and choose to leave for example, but you can't force him to do one thing or another.

 

And, she did take her "closure" remember, he is the one that contacted her again. They are both choosing to remain in contact. That does not mean they want to be with one another.

 

All I can advise is you talk with him about how the contact makes you feel, but make it very clear that you are also not giving him an ultimatum - unless of course you are ready to go through with it,or accept the consequences of his reaction to that.

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If this is a deal breaker for you, than get out of the relationship. I don't believe in telling people what to do, but if you have expressed how you feel, than I personally wouldn't want to be with anyone that feels a pressing need to have contact with a past partner and places that relationship with the ex above my own feelings.

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OK - then I would make it about you not about him. But do it in a way that will make him want to help you - not in reaction to a guilt trip.

 

Tell him that because you don't know why he feels a need to talk to her it makes you feel very insecure in that he seems to need something from her that he should be getting from you. Say that you know that feelings for an ex can run deep and it worries you that he doesn't have all the feelings for you that make a relationship work.

 

Don't make this a fight - make it a problem that both of you need to solve to make each other happy. Then see what he says - you may be surprisingly reassured.

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