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How to deal with insecurities?


lovecrazy
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Well the back story is I dont like my boyfriends ex being around...But this is a girl that he wasnt that serious with, they actually only dated for a few months if that! Honestly i find this strange because his ex girlfriend of 4 years I talk to every once in a while, and I honestly dont care if he talks to her?? Why is that?

 

I have come down to a few conclusions, which for some strange reason I have never felt inferior to a person in my life, but for some reason I fear him leaving me for her...

 

Anyways when we were "dating" he was still into her, and would ask her to be his girlfriend, and she said no. Well our relationship started to take off...she went on the back burner so to speak. Well long story short, that hurt, cause I at that point was very much in love with him, and he was so so. Anyways over the past year everytime she calls I have a hissy fit, if you will. And he feels I am over reacting to it..Which in a way I feel I am as well. Doesnt say much for our relationship if I feel I cant trust him. I posted up that he lied about speaking with her once. Which I forgave, and it was kinda my fault because he felt he couldnt come to me because again he feels I would over react.

 

Well to make a long story short, he added her as a friend, on his myspace account, but put her as the top 8, and he just said that it showed up there??? UMMMM BS...although anything is possible right!

 

but what kinda bothers is me, is he would have her as a friend even if it bothered me. I honestly do not want to control him in anyway...that is the last thing on my mind...Why is it only one girl I have problem with...I do trust him...but this one girl I want gone out of his life.

 

Anyways I feel its just best to drop the whole "ex girlfriend annoyance routine" and just leave it alone...but how do I stop it, any advice would be good... Honestly I feel like someone should just slap me accross the face...

 

Do you guys feel I am over reacting ? In a way I kinda feel like I am as well...I dont know how to handle this.

 

 

Help!!

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Wins,

 

I don't think you're overreacting but I think you can change the way you react when he talks to her. But first, let me point out that it is his job to make you feel secure in your relationship and vice versa.

 

When I was in an LTR, my ex would call me and my gf would react just like you did. However, these contacts were so sparse that my gf knew I had nothing to hide.

 

In the meanwhile, let your boyfriend know that you understand him wanting to maintain a friendship. Also let him know that the more frequent they communicate the more insecure it makes you feel. If he's a dedicated man, he will evaluate how his actions are affecting you and adjust his behavior accordingly.

 

If that doesn't work, you'll have to say, "look, at one point and relatively recently, you wanted her more than you wanted me. I know this and I went forward with you anyways. If you still want her more, I am willing to walk away because I will not compete with her - I am your girlfriend afterall, why should I?"

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He was asking this girl to be his gf when he was dating you? That is a pretty good reason to feel unsure. Have you discussed his feelings for her with him? If not that is something that needs to be done. You should stay objective about it though not accusing, not attacking, and not pleading. If you talk to him with confidence, a plan, and decisiveness, putting what you want on the table he can only admire you for it even if he resents that you are paranoid about her (which in my opinion you have a right to be).

Chai is right on target here. It is his responsibility to deal with his feelings for her, and your right to know the truth. It may be hard to give that sort of ultimatum, but in the long run it is right thing to do. Think about it, if he is willing to do something drastic like dump you for not letting him have this "friend" or hold resentment towards you, tell him that you don't see it that way. Tell him you don't want to control him, but you have feelings and if he wants to be with you he is going to have to act accordingly because its not about control, it is about making things work mutually and coming to compromise.

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Yes he at one point did want more with her, but at that point in the relationship I cant really be mad...because it was just dating...Granted I wasnt with anyone else, and neither was he...as far as physical relations go...

 

I honestly feel as if he still has feelings for her...and he says that he doesnt. But again I could just be paranoid, now another thing is I think part of the reason why he added her was to tick me off, out of spite "because he doesnt want someone telling him what to do" which i can kinda understand, and I have had a "hissy fit in the past" where I was like stop talking to her or else...which I admit I should have handled the situation better, but thigns happen for a reason I guess..

 

But I will try the advice that you have given me. And hopefully it will work out the right way.

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I know this is a fairly long-standing issue in this relationship for you.

 

I suspect she bothers you more than his other ex as you feel she is more of a threat and due to the way they "ended" where he still was trying to be with her while dating you.

 

I don't think it is unreasonable given that you feel a bit insecure about the relationship, but how you react to the contact is important. I agree you need to discuss this quite honestly and honestly, if he DOES have feelings for her, he has to make a choice.

 

I like Chai's advice on this matter. Knowing how you feel, he should also be respectful of your feelings willingly. Does not mean no contact with her, but yes, rubbiing it in your face by putting her on his myspace or whatever knowing your feelings was a bit disrespectful.

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I don't think you're necessarily over-reacting but I think the way you're approaching the situation makes him feel like you are "forbiding" him the contact (which ofcourse, makes it seem like control, which he might resent) because you don't seem to trust him.

 

It does seem like an issue that has been pretty prevalent throughout your relationship and I think you should approach it neutrally. Of course you feel insecure - he was asking her out.

 

Talk to him about it calmy. Tell him it has nothing to do with trust. You trust him now, but the fact that he was running after her when you and he were still starting off makes you wonder why he is continuing contact now. You would never, out of respect retain contact with an ex-bf or almost-bf because you would realize it might make him feel uncomfortable.

 

It has nothing to do with friendship - he can be friends with whomever he wishes but you would just wish he would respect the fact that YOU are uncomfortable when he talks to her, and you won't stop being uncomfortable anytime soon.

You don't want to fight about some random girl or have to wonder about the reasoning of a boyfriend that doesn't want to break contact with her to make you feel better. Even worse that he feels he shouldn't tell you because he "knows how you'll react".

 

This isn't about control or power or him rebelling out because you're "forbidding" him. Tell him he can do what he wants but he know how you feel about it - and if it progresses you don't know if you'll be able to handle it.

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