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Gender stereotyping


Mercenary
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This girl I've recently started dating is a very old fashioned and stereotypical individual.

She's about 3 years younger than me, and today she began complaining to me about rules I have laid down.

For example, I make her pay her half when we go out. She hates this ferociously for some reason...

Also, I don't date younger girls alot because I find most of them to be too immature, so I expect her to make the first move, as a sign of maturity.

But according to her, men have to make the first move.

I am quite fed up with her stereotyping.

Any ideas on what I can do?

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no offense but it would sort of bother me if you "made me pay half." I mean I would offer even if a guy was to say he would pay for it...but it would be a HUGE turn off if you laid down rules as to I had to pay my own way. It may not have been so much that she has to pay for her own as much as it is bothersome that you didn't even offer...and just made that "rule."

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I agree with lozic. Rules, 'making her pay', stating that you normally don't date people her age are probably triggering those stereotyping things. Your ideas about younger girls and immaturity could feel like stereotyping to her as well. I don't know, I'd really change my strategy in dating if I were you. Why all these 'rules'? Let it go, and see where it ends.

 

Ilse

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I only laid rules down about how I would condct myself in this relationship with her.

I'm not forcing her to do anything, if she expects me to pay because I'm "the man," then she can sit there for a few more hours until they close

Plus, I don't have the time enough to shell out money on a girl.

My philosophy has always been, "I'm not paying for everything until there is a ring on a finger."

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Well paying for EVERYTHING is quite another thing than treating her once in a while, sharing costs the other time and her treating you once in a while. I get a very 'rigid' impression from the way you regard dating. A lot of things seem to be decided before you actually develop a relationship, why is that?

 

Ilse

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Maybe she isn't the right girl for you then mate...

 

There's nothing worse than someone getting "heavy" and laying down the rules so early on in the relationship.

 

If I was a female and a guy said that to me i'd run a mile, considering most males are half decent and wouldn't expect a woman to pay.

 

PRSOV

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I'd have to think that if you're not "hitting it off" in most ways when you first start dating then there probably isn't great hope that things will work out in the long run. You're unlikely to ever change each other substantially, and it's wrong to try. If you're not happy with the way things currenlty are then maybe you both could make selections that more closely match the type of person you are.

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Hmmm. Being from the south, there are a lot of Southern Bells that have the same attitude. My suggestions for you, sir:

 

1. No rules. That's just tacky. You are both different people from different backgrounds with different life experiences. Putting rules down is lame. It's supposed to be fun. How fun was it when your parents made rules about how you had to "make your bed, clean your room, put the toilet seat down, brush your teeth twice a day, do your homework" etc...

 

Relationships are supposed to develop around GENUINE, MUTUAL ENJOYMENT OF EACH OTHERS COMPANY and NOT EXPECTATIONS. Accept this girl for who she is, and realize that SHE has expectations of YOU already as well (as far as not wanting to pay, not having to make the first move, etc) so you are already starting off on the wrong feet. If she has these ideas, she probably picked them up from an old fashioned family or the environment she had been brought up in. If she doesnt like the idea of having to pay, thats okay. If you don't like it, then dont hang out with her anymore.

 

If you set up expectations, especially this early in the relationship, you are setting yourself up for failure.

 

2. If you don't enjoy shelling out a bunch of money and feel that she should pay half, have some tact. I don't agree with some of the above female posters that are saying "Any DECENT guy wouldn't make me pay anything". That's selfish. But by the same token, saying "you gotta pay half LOL!" is probably not the smoothest way to put it.

 

My rule of thumb is: If you want to take a girl somewhere to eat, YOU pay for it (all). Simply say "Hey, babe. Long day? Aww. Okay, well I'll take you out to dinner at [so and so].

 

Whoever initiates the activity pays. This way you only pay on YOUR terms. If you dont have money to eat out more than once a week, two weeks, month, whatever...don't offer to take her out. "Dating" doesnt have to mean going out to dinner/movie everytime you have to see her. Ask her to come over and watch TV or a movie (cheap), go get coffee, go see an art exhibit, go to a beach if you have access. There are plenty of things you can do for free around town...the important thing is that you two are connecting and having fun. I don't go out to eat much, but sometimes I'll cook for my gf (or we cook together) because its a hobby we both enjoy.

 

By saying "I'll take YOU out to eat" and then paying, she'll eventually be able to connect the dots. If you cant afford to eat out a bunch, then dont. If she says she's hungry or wants to eat something or wants you to take h er out somewhere, jokingly say "Aww, are you taking me out on a date?" (this will come out as CUTE if you say it right, depending on if you've been bf/gf for awhile, NOT as desparate and will imply that she pays since it was her idea) or tell her to go stop by the store and pick up some food and you can cook it together.

 

 

3. As far as the feminist movement has changed social gender dynamics within the past half century, the man making the first move is still the rule. I know it may not sound fair, but you sound very insecure in yourself by expecting the girl to make the first move (and covering it up as a sign/"indication of lack of" maturity....) But if you build your self esteem and confidence up a little bit, you'll learn to love it.

 

Isn't it a cool feeling? To feel in control? To feel like you control your own destiny? Generally, if you work up a cool, relaxed, and fun vibe (and non-creepy...this is important) a girl is really expecting you to make a move. Most of the time, if it's your first attempt to make the first move and you screw up (unless the girl is a total prude) she'll think that it was cute or flattering that you were nervous. Learn to read body language if you are always "confused" about when to make a move.

 

4. If you dont like this girls deeply engrained sense of courtship ideals, then why date her? You cant change her. If I saw the most dirty rotten car salesman on the lot trying to sell me an expensive car at $50,000 above retail, I wouldn't complain about it and then sign on the dotted line, I would just go somewhere else. If you are not comfortable around women, start talking to them more. It's amazing how much women like to talk if you just make the effort to kick up some chit chat !

 

Don't confront her about her beliefs, just be more scarce. If she cares enough to want to see you again, you can explain why you are not interestd anymore, and maybe she will be more open minded (and open pursed !) and it will work out.

 

Last thing (sorry for the long post): Are you in a relationship with this girl? Or just starting to date? It might seem like it would be awkward to talk about who makes the first move if you haven't already kissed each other.

 

If one of you already HAS made a move, then why are you still fighting over who has to do it?

 

If you haven't and she still says a man has to make a first move, I'll give you about 2 more encounters with her before she realizes that you don't have a spine, cant take a hint (or more like a command! ), and moves on.

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Whoever initiates the activity pays. I don't go out to eat much, but sometimes I'll cook for my gf because its a hobby we both enjoy.

 

I totally agree. It works for my and my bf as well. I think we share most costs if you'd really start counting.

 

Ilse

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