My Insecurities are Sickening

[heyguys]

Hello!

 

Well this is the first post that has nothing, well not really too much about other people. This post is all about me. I guess what I realized that has been the general theme of my anger, frustrations and problems is my jealousy. Jealousy of course is closely related to insecurity and low self-esteem. The past few years (4-5) I have had the lowest self-esteem ever. Many people would think I am crazy or would never think I have reason to be insecure. I mean I was voted best smile and best looking in highschool my senior year. Random guys are constantly looking at me or I even have fan clubs of guys that used to like me. So I have people that think Im attractive, but I guess I dont care about THEIR opinion. After my first real break up from my ex, i was hurt very bad. i was shocked that a girl like ME would ever get dumped. I am not superficial or materialistic at all. In fact I think Im an intelligent, mature, as well as beautiful woman! SO being dumped was a shocker for me, and it brought my self-esteem down. i began to question whether i was as great as i thought i was. after the break up i dated alot and built up my confidence. My break up pain wasnt the pain i lost my ex, but the blow it gave to my self-confidence. i am totally over that break up....when i met my current bf, for some reason i felt insecure AGAIN. i mean i had guys hoot and holler at me, but he didnt. i know i should have been happy he respected me to not hoot and holler at me, but at the same time i also thought he wasnt attracted to me, which made me feel inseucre, ugly, not sexy. In the beginning, my bf talked about our pasts. he said his ex was gorgoues and he dated alot. this REALLY killed me to hear him say she was gorgeous. i mean this REALLY killed things for me and my confidence. not only that but it made me feel like she was hotter than me in some crazy way. and i cared so much about his opinion well because i was dating him. a year and a half later, i am still with him, but the insecurity keeps getting worse and worse. i even saw her myspace profile page one and began to cry and cry! i was so jealous! how can i deal with this. my insecurity is so unecessary but am i crazy?? he tells me all the time now he thinks im beautiful and sexy, but now its like too late or i still dont believe him...why cant i believe him? i feel like hes saying it to make me feel ok or better...i feel so dumb for thinking this way but i do! i just need ways to have a differnet outlook as well as an explanation why i feel like this...its really ruining my relationship with my bf i love him alot but my insecurties are driving him crazy. its not fair to him. i used to blame him for this for telling me his ex was HOT but now im not so sure whos fault... thanks--

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

You arn't crazy....you sound a little brainwashed. And it's not your fault.

 

I smiled when I read you'd been voted best looking in your highschool year, and so forth. Initially I thought "well, that would mean she shouldn't be insecure"....but then I thought "Wait! No! All that tells her is that she's valued on her looks alone!"

 

Reading about how you built yourself back up after a breakup was quite inspiring, and you do sound like, at core, a strong woman. I just think that you have been conditioned by the actions of others (hooting at you, voting you Best XYZ, telling you how gorgeous their exes are) to believe that looks are important.

 

That looks are pretty much all you have. This means of course you will get insecure...who wouldn't?

 

As for your relationship - bottom line is, if he thought you were unattractive, he wouldn't be with you, he wouldn't sleep with you etc, and certainly not for over a year!

 

Focus on the things in your life that really make YOU as a person, not a mannequin for people to stare at. Your family, your (good) friends, hobbies. pastimes or sports you're into...because as cheesy as it sounds, when you build yourself up with the good, solid, wholesome stuff, you don't give a DAMN about what anybody says...and insecurity? You won't even consider it. I'm not in that place right now, but I was once in the Good Ole Days, and it IS possible.

[Fisch]

Hi Heyguys,

It can be very hard to trust someone when you have planted the seed of doubt in your mind. It seems that you are well aware that the doubt came from the blow your confidence took in your last relationship. Furthermore, it is hard for your boyfriend to sound sincere when there is so much pressure on him. I was with an insecure beauty in the past, and when I told her that she was beautiful it fell on dead ears, which hurt, as if my opinion didn't matter. She said the same thing as you, that it was too late and I must just be saying it to appease her, but it just isn't true. Granted, I am pretty sure the girl I was with will be insecure until every single person on the planet believes she is the prettiest girl they have ever seen. But even when I told her that she was the most beautiful girl to me, because I was in love with her, it was not enough. In fact that hurt her, because all she heard was that I may not have decided that she was the most beautiful girl when I first glanced at her. I meant everything I ever said to her though! It can be very discouraging when it is so hard to communicate.

Heyguys, don't let this get you, looks should be backseat to love in a healthy relationship. More importantly I am sure that the feelings you seek from your boyfriend are there, if you are not going to trust his compliments and his words there is only so much he can do. It is not easy to brush off insecurities but if you step back you will realize that the only roadblock is the one within you. You sound like a smart girl stuck with some unfortunate feelings. Dont let your past relationship ruin this one as well. People are simply different, there are a million reasons for a relationship not to work. Getting a relationship to work is not just about how highly rated people are, its about a spark, loyalty, understanding eachother, common goals. That is why nobody is ever going to tell you that you are a lesser person because you got dumped, and it is a fallacy to think that way yourself. I know that people are capable of overcoming their insecurities and I am sure you can. Good luck

[holyohio]

i began to question whether i was as great as i thought i was.

 

Herein lies your mistake.

[Spugly Fuglet]

here is my take on your post for what it may be worth.

 

You live your life in other peapels eyes.

 

Looks mean more to you than you do, not just how you look but how the actions of others look to you. I was trying to see in your post some part of you that had asked about what other may have been thinking at the time of there actions.

 

I could find none

 

Like others have said some times our Egos get in the way of who we really are.

 

You need to find a self image that you like and know to be true until you do that you will be for ever lost in the eyes of others. Pushed and pulled by there actions not your own.

 

You are not that "best looking girl" every one thught you where,

and you are not that insecur Woman you think you are now.

 

What you lack is depth of character, yes I know this sound harsh and I know you may think me wrong but the truth I believe is thats your ego getting in the way.

 

You post is all about blame, Blaiming your BFs old and new, others for biulding you up and last of all your self for the way you feel you are acting badly.

 

Ask yourself this

 

Am I a good Person?

 

Not amy I superficial or materialistic or intelligent, mature and beautiful.

 

No ask this

 

Do I try to do whats right and good, do I show compashtion and caring to others, Do I help even when I dont need to, Im a strong when others need me to be and do I Honnor others no matter who they are when I see that they are a good Person.

 

Love of self it not the same as liking yourself, that I believe is where you are acting wrong, Becouse you dont believe your self to be a good Person you dont believe you deserve to have what you have.

 

So what do you do to change who you think you are,

 

Actions thats how, by walking throw life and doing what is right no matter what, Even if it means loss of popularity and others seeing you as out side there Honnor system.

 

It means standing alone when you see evil and bad in the world I knowing that you are right to do so.

 

It means trusting the world as well, your BF will act as he will but how you feel is as you I think know down to you.

 

Do not fear loss think now "What would I do if my BF came home and said it was over?" Think about how you would deal with your feeling, it dos not matter why and how he desided this only what you would do.

 

If you can get to a point where you can see yourself saying,

"If thats your destion then so be it, I will not hate you nore fear your loss,

I will grave for the end of what we had but after I will still be here and I like me and know that I did my best by us, good bye and good luck"

 

The walk away with your head up and honnoring your self for doing even at the end that which is right.

 

Thats depth of character, thats truly knowing your self and knowing what you are capebel of

[heyguys]

Thank you everyone VERY much. I really appreciate your insightful responses. One thing I wanted to add, which I sort of touched on was that I DO believe I am strong independent and mature whatever, just this is an insecurity I have. I guess I didnt care so much about looks up until recently when looks was such a topic or I started hearig it from people, or dumb stuff like myspace where its all a competiton. And I am upset at myself for caring so much. But really I dont care if im the most beautiful girl in the world,I care what my bf thinks, and that probabaly is my problem even though he tells me Im great, i dont know why its so hard. and this insecurity just sparks other problems. but i will try to do as you guys said and just be around wholesome people and ideas and go back to my old self where my looks was a blessing and not a curse to worry about my appearance all the time or how i compare to others!

[Spugly Fuglet]

All I would add is work on being deeper than you are see beond the superphishal.

 

(wow bad spelling there I know Haha)