What?

[cichlid]

My relationship is perfectly fine. I have been dating my BF for a year in 2 weeks! A couple of disagreements here and there but we were able to talk it out...we are to laid back to fight. We were good friends from early May to late August before going out so its not like I jumped into a relationship with someone I barely knew. Funny thing is I was at church when I got this feeling like we should be in a relationship. We had talked about it before since we were almost best friends and he liked me from the minute he first talked to me. So...it's all good.

 

Lately it seems like other people are so annoying. A manager at work always asks me if I am still dating "that one guy". I always tell her that I have been for almost a year now and she seems surprised we have been together that long. That doesn't bother me so much.

 

My mom and I were talking about my brother. He was married last fall and is now finally divorced. He and his ex-wife were not married long and the story is too long and complicated to repeat here (in short we think she married him for his money...but this post is NOT about their marriage). She often feels like she did not ask enough questions and did not step in when we knew there was a problem.

 

How does that affect me? Well, my mom is questioning anything that seems negative. My BF quit his job at a camp this summer ...the reason was silly but I do not want to discuss it with my mom. The reason is because he had a dream that he knocked a co-worker up. Being the guy he is he did not think before he spoke and discussed it with a fellow male co-worker. I guess he decided to tell the female co-worker about it since it was bothering him...she got offended by it and reported him for sexual harassment because he dreamed about her (like we can control our dreams). But he went to the office and quit before they had a chance to fire him. I think it's stupid that the girl was so easily offended...so does everyone else that has heard the story. But this is not something I wish to share with my mom. I don't think anything negative of my BF other than he needs to learn to think before he speaks. He's already a very moral person!

 

My mom also said my brother must have been blinded by rose colored glasses to not see it. Again she feels like she should now butt into everyone's relationship a little (not excessively) to prevent further heartbreak by preventing these things and hopefully knocking us to our senses. I told her I did not intend to marry until I graduated from college at least. So even if my BF and I were still together I think I would have noticed some flaws in 2-3 years. She then told me and it bothered me quite a bit...that long relationships like this do not work. I strongly believe that if relationships cannot last a few years then they won't last marriage. Not that I intend to marry my BF...but it's the fact of the matter.

 

Personally, I feel like I would never have a problem with seeing things through "rose colored glasses" since I let my mind control my feelings...not my heart...for teh most part.

 

Thanks for letting me vent. Comments?

[Dako]

Hi stranger!

 

You have so much negativity around it's like a disease.

Your family is pulling you down, and you need to slip from their clutches.

They have all the problems, and want to project them on you so you don't get uppity, but it seems like you have a great thing going.

I sense some envy.

 

My fam was as beastly when I married after dating her for over two years, and they raised a litany of reasons it would fail. They were right, 25 years later it ended, but I wouldn't change a thing except I'd have ignored them even more.

 

Is your mother happily married?

[Momene]

If a marriage fails after 25 years, the chances are that there was some compatibility in the first place. The problem is that even if relationships and people don't change over time, the world around them certainly does.

[RayKay]

Hmm, I find that funny that she said "long relationships" don't last! I don't know what that even means really....especially if it is a mutual decision to wait to get married, not like one is just not wanting too!

 

My mother and stepfather have been together 20+ years - not married by mutual decision - and are going strong! My boyfriend and I are waiting until I don't need those damned student loans anymore, and we definitely plan to "last"!

 

Sure, some don't, but plenty of "fast ones" don't either. I tend to agree that if they won't last some time before marriage, they won't do too well during marriage!

 

Anyway, you know...some people just are this way. And are vocal about it which is the real problem. I have to admit, there are couples I know/meet where you already kinda "know" they are not going to make it, and there are those that you do. Sometimes I am proved wrong, but often there was something to that feeling - but in any case I certainly NEVER butt in or "advise" them on the relationship without being asked for help specifically.

 

Mothers are just apt to worry....especially now that she saw what happened to your brother, she may just be worried...but it is NOT her job to "prevent" your experiences in heartbreak either, or in great joy. That is something you need to go through. My mother was always extremely good about boyfriends, always treated them with great respect (as they did her). Sometimes after it ended, she may have had a couple comments, but she never slandered them, she was there to help heal my heart when I needed, but never said "I knew it" or anything!

 

I would however just be rather polite but firm to your mom next time she does "butt in a bit" and let her know you are thankful that she looks out for you, but you are happy and do not want to make decisions based on the worst case scenario when it is not the case You seem like a very smart girl from all I have seen of you here, and I certainly think you are intelligent and wise enough to not remain with someone whom would treat you badly and so forth. Maybe this relationship won't be the one that ends up in marriage, but that does not mean that it won't....and it does not mean that you need to end it now if you are both happy either.

 

Besides, in Garth Brook's words....you could of avoided the pain, but you would of missed the dance. And the dancing..well that is what life is about. Even when sometimes there is heartbreak at the end.

[Momene]

Ray Kay, have your mum and stepdad had any problems adjusting to the little surprises that life throws up at them? For example, when my dad changed jobs, there was a lot of adjusting to do and they've both had a lot of health and extended family issues to deal with. They're still together but they don't always pull together.

[RayKay]

Ray Kay, have your mum and stepdad had any problems adjusting to the little surprises that life throws up at them? For example, when my dad changed jobs, there was a lot of adjusting to do and they've both had a lot of health and extended family issues to deal with. They're still together but they don't always pull together.

 

Ah, they are actually one of those couples in my life that I look at and "admire".

 

They are very "real" - I mean they have disagreements - my mum is very stubborn, my dad will just go into silent treatments time to time. But, they always talk things through and they are extrememly respectful of one another. They are really best friends too - they love to travel together (going to Alaska in a couple weeks as part of mum's b-day and to celebrate end of chemo). I definitely feel they pull together. And maybe this is why I look up to them, because they are so real....but strong?

 

You know, I am sure like all of us, surprises are not always easy at first. There have been job changes, and illnesses in the family. My mum's dad died a few years ago which was very stressful as it was cancer "again" after his wife had died a few years before that. Not long after, my boyfriend of five years died and he was also very close to our family. Of course there were also all us kids and blended family issues that added stresses.

 

And of course, my mum was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer in December...and yes, they pulled together absolutely. My mum has always kinda been the "rock" in the family - for her siblings, for us kids, for my stepfather. And this time, it was all switched around. As a family we came together, but my stepfather ultimately was HER rock as he supported her 100%. He read all he could about breast cancer, researched, ordered her herbal supplements (off the internet which for him is a foreign land altogether!), takes her to treatments. He broke down once, before surgery when they marked her all up, but, he absolutely thinks she is beautiful breasts or not. It's something that of course is my mum's "fight", but is the entire family's "war". And I would say my dad is like the Commander-in-Chief of sorts!

 

I do know couples though (younger and older) whom are "still together" but don't have that team feel, or pull together. I cannot say why some do, and some don't. Maybe this has to do with their bond together, their reasons for being together for example. I know many whom stayed together for the kids, or because they did not believe in divorce....but really not so much for one another or as they "wanted to be together".

[Momene]

I can only speak for myself and my wife but having a daughter DOES affect our decision to stay together but we do genuinely love each other as well. It's just that some (not all) of our needs and wants aren't compatible and we've had a lot of things go wrong and things hit a low point in 2004.

[cichlid]

Sorry for the late reply. I've been in Texas visiting my BF and his family since the 10th when I flew down (great day to fly...huh?). Then we drove back up today for school.

 

My mom is in a fairly happy marriage. I mean they talk and never huge fights...I just think she doesn't want a repeat of my brother.

 

 

Thank you all for the replies. I appreciate it.

[tictactoe2006]

 

Besides, in Garth Brook's words....you could of avoided the pain, but you would of missed the dance. And the dancing..well that is what life is about. Even when sometimes there is heartbreak at the end.

 

OK, that settles it - you definitely have to get into a career as a counselor or sometihng - that was just classic! And the fact that you quoted Garth - your guy is extremely lucky!!