Jump to content

What the heck do women actually want!!!


ty99

Recommended Posts

What is the deal. I was recently seeing this girl for a few weeks. We got along great. Similar interest and hobbies. I treated her with great respect. Made her laugh (in her own words more than she has in a while). I am a motivated person who is doing well career wise and not just letting life pass them by.

 

I look decent enough (again in her words i looked a bit like someone else she dated before me) so it can't be that shallow.

 

Then she says "she can't see it going anywhere romantically, etc..."

 

What the heck does she want from a guy. Why did she even bother. Can you guys give me any advice as to what i am doing wrong? I am just as good as every other guy, but can't seem to get anywhere with girls i truly like. This stuff can really stomp your self esteem. But i guess this is the first kick at the can after a year and a half (looooong story of my butt getting dumped again after 5 years with a girl who wanted to marry me 3 weeks before she dumps me.

 

This may be more of a vent. This is soooooo hard.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This may be more of a vent. This is soooooo hard.

 

Vent away. Maybe try some empathy. I didn't and lost someone special recently.

 

Suppose the tables were turned and she just didn't do it for you? Just didn't work out? No-one's at fault.

 

She's being honest to you about her feelings. Or were you discussing them? Not a good idea, mostly ever.

 

"What do women want?" Weren't those Freud's last words?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The 5 year relationship ended because she jumped to a guy 9 years older 2 weeks later. It wasn't really a matter of either of us doing anything wrong. Looking back, it was just time to try something else and neither of us had the guts to pull the triggor. Until she did. We were pretty much each others first real love's.

 

This girl i started seeing. I don't know. I guess it didn't just "click" the way she wanted it to or something. But i can be kind of shy and am pretty new in the game again and may have been to nervous or something. But how can people expect things to work right off the bat. Not everyone can give that killer first impression, it takes time to get to know each other even if you are not "seeing" each other.

 

Every girl thinks i am a "great" guy and really "nice" and "sweet". But its hard to get it beyond that. And not that i want to, but i have friends who nail 6 women at a time and couldn't give a crap about any of them. This is confusing.

 

Being shy and "nice" is just who i am. I guess i am doomed until i learn to blow them off and pretend i don't care.

 

This site saved me last year going through the other stuff. It is so nice to know you can turn to such a place for good advice and support when you are down.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Don't give up. There are plenty of nice women out there as well. Not to brag, but I'm one of them, and my now fiance is like you. Shy, quiet, reserved and sweet.

 

I looked everywhere for a man like him. All the men I dated before were total losers and I was so angry about the type of men who were attracted to me, that I had basically resolved to not dating anymore.

 

Then came my fiance. BANG. We hit it off and had everything in common. We have a really strong chemistry that I have never experienced before. It's amazing.

 

I used to get tired of hearing this, but it's true: as soon as she comes along (the one for you) you WILL know.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Without any details it's going to be very hard to point out what you did wrong, but I can tell you what most guys do wrong.

 

Lets see.... you started dating... it went on for a few weeks... you had her laughing... you got along great... hmmm....

 

Where you two intimate? If not, maybe she was looking for a guy who was more aggressive sexually? Maybe in her mind you got too serious about a "relationship" rather than simply dating, fooling around, and having fun. Maybe you didn't challenge her enough (since you treated her with great respect) by teasing her, making fun of her (in a flirty way), etc. Those are some mistakes a lot of genuinely good guys make.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Its hard to say what each woman may want but whatever this girl wanted it just wasnt you. The problem is that you see this only from you perspective as to what you have to offer her but from her perspective she is probably looking for some indication that she is meant to be with you. Some sort of emotional component.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

But how can people expect things to work right off the bat. Not everyone can give that killer first impression, it takes time to get to know each other even if you are not "seeing" each other.

 

Depends on what you mean by making things work right off the bat. By work if you mean a serious loving relationship where two people fall in love and live happily ever after, people don't wait around to see if that will happen, at leastit's not very common with women. Women have this wonderful thing called "feelings" and they use how they feel about a certain situation to help guide their decisions. If this girl didn't "feel it" with you, then she's going to leave, even if it's 3 weeks in. She's not going to hang around and see if her feelings change, she knows there are tons of guy out there and she's going to go spend time with the guy that "feels right" the entire time.

 

Every girl thinks i am a "great" guy and really "nice" and "sweet". But its hard to get it beyond that. And not that i want to, but i have friends who nail 6 women at a time and couldn't give a crap about any of them. This is confusing.

 

Don't try to be your friends. If your friends are like that to women and just use them then they aren't what you want to be. However you also might want to start evaluating yourself. You're doing something that is a turnoff and it is probably linked to your "niceness". Nice and Kind are similar words, but they don't mean the same thing. Read this article and see if perhaps you fit the mold. I know I did once upon a time and I had to become a better person to break free and become successful. Read it with an open mind and consider if this is you:

 

In light of the recent debates that have raged on about the issue of "niceness" and being "nice" I have stumbled accross an book review dealing with the subject in the May 1st Edition of Maclean's Magazine p68 (the Canadian Equivalent to Time, Newsweek etc). It seems that the real issue in the debates is people have differing definitions of what "nice" is and it ends up going in circles and getting flogged like a dead horse.

The book is called: The Tyranny of Niceness: Unmasking the Need for Approval by Evelyn Sommers. You can google this for more information and reviews. Nice people she notes "exist in separate worlds, rarely or never revealing themselves. They may have lots of superficial communication but little real connection."

The author notes that the root of the word "nice" comes from the Latin word meaning Ignorant and the French word meaning, "not to know". Ms Sommers explains that "when we fail to express our thoughts we are colluding with ignorance. Silence is the equivalent of self-denial: denial of the need to speak, to form opinions and share them with other people, denial of honest human interaction." Now she is not saying being "nice" is being dishonest, it is however NOT being honest. Clearly "nice" people are failing to connect with others on an honest level. Saying what YOU think other want to hear and not how you really feel is deceptive and how can any one really respect someone who is deceptive. Its send the message that "I cant even be honest with myself so you cant really expect me to be honest with you." Its about being true to yourself and Ms Sommers points out that "happiness come from a sense of being true to ones self." What I hear from "nice" people is "I am not being true to myself" in reference to "playing games" or the "rules of dating". No, by pandering and saying what YOU think others want to hear is not being true to yourself and it is playing games or being deceitful. And of course with that comes the unhappiness most "nice" people display in these forums.

Being assertive and saying what you think, is not being "un-nice", being aggressive is. And you can be assertive and kind: they are not mutually exclusive. In fact Ms Sommers writes "kindness is considered under the umbrella of niceness, but really it's a different thing. Being kind can mean saying something that isn't easy but which ultimately saves a lot of agony." Again your date will pick up on the subtle body language that indicates what you say and how you feel are two different things. They may very well be thinking "jeez this is going to turn into a s*** storm later on but clearly they are not wanting to deal with the issue right now." So at the risk of dealing with an issue as it comes up, "nice" people leave it to fester and brew for a reappearance at a later date, usually when it's a much bigger problem. Knowing this, who in their right mind would want to deal with such a situation or person. Yeah confronting say something your date does that you disagree with will be uncomfortable but it will be much more uncomfortable and potentially more harmful later on. It doesn't mean you can't deal with the issue with diplomacy, kindness and understanding, but being "nice" means not dealing with the issue at all. How attractive is that really?

"Nice" people need to do themselves and everyone else a favour and stop lying to themselves. Take off the mask you are wearing and be your true self. Yes maybe you need to be nice in some instances to ensure a situation remains peaceful. But in a relationship? No way. That's what a real relationship is all about dealing with problems a as a couple, not as one person dealing with the problems. Again "nice" people may say "well if they just got to know me better they would see I am a good person and can deal with life." Sorry but that doesn't cut it. You are being unfair to them and essentially saying "I want you to wait for me, to put everything aside so that I can show you I am worthy." Again who in their right mind would wait for someone they have just met. And if it's a friend you have been lusting over for years, well again and again you have shown you are not being true to yourself which is totally reinforced their image of you as someone who is deceitful. This is called friend zone. And its unfair to assume that people should give you a chance or that your honestly is conditional on them giving you their love. That is extremely unfair and very crass attitude. "I will only love you if you love me back" is what it says. It says "I haven't learned to act like an adult yet, and if you don't play the game the way I want it I am taking my ball home." Again not very attractive.

So what can you do. Well start being honest with yourself and standing up for how you feel and what you believe in. I would suggest looking at a book like this that will provide some ideas about how to change

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh you never know why someone decides they don't see it happening, and it's just part of life. Dating and relationships are difficult. There are so many things to consider before deciding you want to keep on dating someone and get serious with them. It could have been something as simple as she didn't feel the "chemistry" between you. Or she could have met someone else she liked a little more. It's not like she would want to hurt your feelings if you had something about you that she personally disliked. She just wasn't the right girl for you, and it takes a lot of dating the wrong girls until you find one who is a match. Don't stress it or let it discourage you!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

What do women want?

 

In general and I emphasize general (not necessarily pertaining to your situation) women want the following:

 

Emotional support

Yes, sex is important but women don't want to be treated like a sex object or pod to incubate children

Acceptance of our independence and continued growth--emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically

 

That's my list and it goes way beyond being a challenge that teases and makes fun of me; albeit in a fun and flirty way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Seriously, it probably isn't you. When I was dating, I met a lot of "nice guy, but...". Sometimes things just don't click. It isn't your fault, it isn't her fault. I was always told "you have to kiss a lot of toads before you find a prince". Keep faith and just be yourself, you will find someone who is right for you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for all the support guys. I feel much better. I guess it was a little disapointing, but it is rolling off nicely.

 

She of course wants to hang out and be friends. Not sure about that. I just don't understand that if both parties admit they get along so well and things are going good how she can all of a sudden be so sure it won't work. Seems strange.

 

I am mostly trying to learn as much as i can from all these mistakes so hopefully one day everything will click all at once and work out very nicely.

 

Its hard to meet the right girls once you finish school, etc. And the ones you do get hit on so much they think every guy is trying to nail them. I have a genuine interest in getting to know them and loving them as a person first, its just hard to make them believe that in the beginning.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's actually not strange though, it's normal. If she looks at you and doesn't feel an attraction, if she doesn't feel the chemistry that usually comes from someone who is challenging, who is flirty and fun, then she's not going to want to put a foot in the direction of a relationship with you. It's normal and it happens to us all.

 

Women are much better at this then men IMO. There are far more men who think, "Well couldn't we just start going through the motions and maybe something will spark?" and the girl is like, "I am not going to start going through the motions with someone I simply am not attracted to, not when I can go through the motions with someone who I am attracted to!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Stop being so serious and have fun...

 

Date more than one women at a time and no attachments

 

If they want more they will let you know...

 

Women can smell someone desperate and they want no part of them.

 

Relax and enjoy women and if you don't meet someone to be serious with then

at least you will be having alot of sex....lol

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 years later...

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...