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Checking the phone


Sinead
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its been 4 weeks and 3 days of complete NC. I am constantly checking my phone. In the first 2 weeks I wasnt but I feel the shock is gone now and my heart is aching like I dont know what.

 

My friends, and family are so good thankfully. They are trying to make as many arrangements with me as possible and I am working so i am keeping myself as busy as I can. But im so depressed at work. I look around at my colleagues and they're all happy out and i just cant join in. I am interested in a guy at work and its clear he is too but he has some baggage. He just split from his gf of 7 years bout 2 - 3 months ago and is still in contact with her so im keeping away from that.

 

I really am miserable right now. a big chunk of me is telling me that my ex has absolutely no interest in me anymore - even if he does still love me. God I was so good to him. I just dont understand why it hasnt hit him yet how much i was good to him. I just dont know what to think of him...

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But you dumped him. Everyone keeps advising people on this board who have been dumped to do NC so he is doing what is right for him. You can't expect anything else or hope that he'll realize what he's lost...he probably already has...but if he talked to anyone who is like the people who post on the getting back together forum, we'd all tell him to do NC. You can't break up with someone and then expect them to come after you chasing you...for most people, that is a mistake and leads to intense heartbreak because their ex will reject them. He has no way of knowing that you might be receptive. Maybe it has hit him how great you were to him but he's either not willing to risk rejection or pushing you further away by contacting you or he has decided to move on.

 

Breaking up is not a way of making someone realize how much you mean to them. Neither is dumping them and then doing NC.

 

If this guy means so much to you and you left him, tell him. Why should he make the first move when he's the dumpee?

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I check my phone all the time... It's been 6 days for me (if he doesn't call tonight) and I've actually found it EASIER to stop checking the phone. Maybe I'm losing faith in him/us slowly but surely.

 

It was a big step for me today, I had to book my telephone installation for my new apartment (moving next week) and the lady asked if I wanted 6 months of caller notification (you know that voice that tells any callers the new number) or do I want just the 30 days for free?

 

A few days ago I'd have paid for 6 months... I mean what IF he called?! But I said no thank you and just went for the free 30 days. Anyone who doesn't find out from me that my number changed, and doesn't call me for 30 days doesn't need my new number.

 

I know that's a bit of a tangent... I just wanted to try and relate to you. You're doing so well. Whatever you do, don't break NC! I'm right there with you this is hard, but think about it... What will you learn if you call him? At WORST he will not answer, not respond, or be "weird" with you... At best, he will seem happy to hear from you but you will know in your heart that he didnt want to talk to you enough at that moment to pick up the phone himself.

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I cant because throughout the rels I let him take me for granted and put everything else before me. We did break off one time before, i asked him back and he made me beg. I love him a lot but he has yet to prove to me how much he loves me. I probably will contact him at some stage but he will probably make me beg for him and i dont deserve to. He has had gfs before me who treated him like dirt and yet he is still in contact with one of them. His last gf went out with him for 3 months, treated him badly and yet they had been in contact all through the 4 years i was with him.

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I cant because throughout the rels I let him take me for granted and put everything else before me. We did break off one time before, i asked him back and he made me beg. I love him a lot but he has yet to prove to me how much he loves me. I probably will contact him at some stage but he will probably make me beg for him and i dont deserve to. He has had gfs before me who treated him like dirt and yet he is still in contact with one of them. His last gf went out with him for 3 months, treated him badly and yet they had been in contact all through the 4 years i was with him.

 

Hmm...it seems like there is a lot of history here and reasons why you two should not get back together. I think what you really need to do is just focus on you now. Focus on healing and getting over this guy. Try not to think about whether or not he'll call. If he's looking after his own emotional health, he won't. I don't say that to be mean, but he just got dumped and he's probably very hurt by that. He needs NC. He needs to heal and move on. And so do you.

 

Love isn't about proving yourself to anyone. It's about kindness, caring for the one you love, and compability. For whatever reason, your relationship wasn't making you feel the way you needed to feel in it and so you got out. That's good...but you need to stop expecting him to call and beg for forgiveness or "prove" his love for you. Chances are he won't do it. Chances are he's just trying to heal and get over it. Focus on you right now and your healing process.

 

A watched pot never boils...and a watched phone never rings. The one day I did not have my phone on me in a long time was the one day my ex called. I'm not saying that if you stop watching your phone he'll call...I'm just saying that part of the process of getting over a breakup is letting go of expectation of anything coming from your ex. He no longer has obligations to you, and neither do you to him.

 

Gradually, the more you let go of the idea of expecting things from him or hoping that he'll make some gesture of love, the more you will stop feeling disappointed and hurt. It will take time, but you'll get there.

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My cousin went through the exact same thing with her husband. They had a long serious loving rels for 6 years, she broke off with him cos he was basically treating her the exact same way my ex was. They were in total non-contact for 10 months, and she had given up but a meeting encounter brought them back together and now they are married and have an 8 yr old son.

 

I think when 2 people are seriously in love something does happen along the way - im a firm believer of that. But you're probably right Lady00 maybe I should move on and to someone who will actually appreciate me. Its such a pity im being blinded by someone so ungrateful as him. maybe a miracle might happen and I might come to my senses.

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Have you seen that movie the break-up? Men and women see things totally different. I've heard from my ex that "I didn't appreciate her" but I feel as if I did..

 

Maybe he felt he was showing you that.. Maybe not in the way you liked but, to the best of his knowledge and ability.. If a person doesn't know how too do something you can't fault them for that..

 

Its just like if you have never played golf before and walk on a golf course and her "FOUR" you may not know what that means thereforeeee you get hit in the head with the ball, but I guarantee you the next time you hear "FOUR" you will duck..

 

I don't know your particular story all I can say is maybe he thought he showed you that.. He may feel you didn't appreciate the way he was showing you he appreciated you.. Catch my drift!!!

 

Just remember, just because a person doesn't love you the way you want them too love you, doesn't meant they don't love you.

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Thecheddaboy I think you made something dawn on me. I was his very first real serious long term rels. He had 2 gfs before me, the first one lasted a few weeks, the 2nd 3 months, and then me - nearly 4 years! He always did tell me he wasnt a good communicator and that he cant say deep things like I could. sometimes he would say stuff like "God you're so great at putting words together like that. I wish i could do that!" But i was trying to teach him how to communicate, i told him everything. I always told him throughout the relationship how i felt when he wasnt there when i really needed him and i always gave him an explanation as to why I got angry with him now and then. It just got to the stage in the rels that if we had a row he might walk off and expect me to run after him or vice versa.

 

I did feel i had been initiating everything in the rels. But he did tell me he's not much of an initiator. he's a bit lazy like that. With him you have to give him a bit of a push you know?

 

Everything was fantastic before he did his masters - im not going into that - i explained it all on a thread a few weeks back, but i gave him all the time he wanted but then it got like "out of sight, out of mind" for him but yet when we were together we did have a great time and we were all over each other...

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I prayed my heart out to God to bring him back, I did this goodKharma thing through an email, I lit a candle for him in the church, I prayed to Saint Anthony to bring him back and usually Saint Anthony helps people find things so I asked him to help my ex find his way back to me and i would put in a donation of 50 euro into a Saint Anthony box. Whoever reads this must be thinking im off my rocker. Maybe so but i cant explain it but just that im in love with my ex.

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I saw the name Sinead - I saw the first few words...."It's been 4 weeks and..."

 

And it totally made me hear Sinead O'Connor's song

 

It's been 7 hours and 15 days

Since you took your love away

 

Sorry - just had to say that.

 

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Guess this just says break-ups are not easy for anyone involved.....

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I prayed my heart out to God to bring him back, I did this goodKharma thing through an email, I lit a candle for him in the church, I prayed to Saint Anthony to bring him back and usually Saint Anthony helps people find things so I asked him to help my ex find his way back to me and i would put in a donation of 50 euro into a Saint Anthony box. Whoever reads this must be thinking im off my rocker. Maybe so but i cant explain it but just that im in love with my ex.

 

Off your rocker? absolutely not.

I am not religious at all, and I prayed in my head, and went so far as to go to a church and pray. I tried everything, and its funny how in the end you realize how toxic they were for you anyway. You will see it one day. I know your going through intense heartache. These forums saved me a lot. The best thing you can do at this stage, is try to lways be out doing something and be around people. I am in college, so naturally (even with 0 self esteem) I went out to clubs and such and just got my mind off things. I still think about her everyday, but I'm at a point now where I think its just my ego and jealousy taking a punch at my gut. I know one thing that my first love taught me. Choose wisely who you want to fall in love with because of the heartache that can get involved in it. I wish you the best, and you are in my thoughts. I hope everything works out the way you want it to. Your interest will probally change over time, but hold your head high and smile. You never know whats on the next page of the book of life.

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Hey Past2Future thank you so much for your kind message. I really appreciate it. It adds to cheering me up. You made me increase my self-worth. I wish you all the best and you deserve the best. And yes this forum is the best thing ever created!! God bless the people who put it together!

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