Having a talk

[Nikki23]

Hi to everyone!

 

I've just come on here for a bit of advice!

 

I've been split up from my ex for 2 months. Alot of up and downs in that time from me and him.

 

I've just bit the bullet, sent him a letter about a lot of stuff that went wrong and asked if he wanted to talk.

 

He has texted me saying 'I've moved on, but I would be willing to talk'.

 

I don't know if I'm being really negative, but I've got a horrible feeling inside cause he's said he's moved on. Am I right to feel this way? Is this positive news?

 

I'm also really nervous about talking, gonna be this weekend as I'm flying up to my home city to see family anyway!

 

Any advice would be sooo appreciated!

[SaraJane]

Hello Nikki,

 

It seems good that he's being direct with you by letting you know that he's moved on, sounds like he's laying out the fact that there's no chance for 'making up' or 'trying again' and that he's carried on with his life before allowing any confusion to take place if the two of you carry out a conversation.

 

However, Im not quite understanding what good can come from talking about the things that caused the relationship to fail, or what your hopes and expectations are.

 

If its closure that you need that's one thing, but Im confused really as to the purpose of it all.

 

He's moved on, and that can sometimes be the push we need to move on ourselves. Perhaps that will help you some if you're having trouble?

 

After looking at some of your other posts it really does seem to me that the best thing that you can do at this time is accept the fact that he's moved on and do your best to do so as well.

[Meow18]

I don't really understand what good could come out of talking. Unless you have unanswered questions.

 

But he's said he has moved on. What good would talking about the problems you both had as a couple do now?

 

If you still have feelings for him, I strongly suggest not talking with him. Deep down you will be expecting him to suddenly want to try things again, when the chances of that are very slim since he has already told you he has moved on.

 

What are you hoping to get out of this talk?

[Nikki23]

I am right now in my head wanting to try again. I thought that since he is willing to talk it meant that if the conversation went well there may be a chance.

 

I said that if he has met someone else or if his feelings aren't the same anymore then he can say so, there's no pressure. Would he not just say there is no point in talking if he had fully moved on?

[SaraJane]

There's no telling what his reasons might be for being willing to talk with you.

 

But the fact that he said he moved on means that he's moved on, and if he didnt want you to know it he wouldnt have said it. The fact that he's willing to talk does not mean that there's a chance that he hasnt.

[Nikki23]

I totally hear what you're saying, as much as it hurts. My friends have said the opposite really cause they knew me and him and what he's like, but they could be telling me what I want to hear!

 

As soon as we split up I moved away. Do you not think maybe if we saw each other again it may be less of a case of 'out of sight, out of mind'??

 

Do you think I should reply something like ' If you have fully moved on, do you see a point in talking?' just so I get an answer?!

[lady00]

Would he not just say there is no point in talking if he had fully moved on?

 

Possibly because in his own way he's trying to be nice about it. But the thing is, he says he's moved on. You might as well ignore anything else he says after that. If he wanted to get back together, he would not tell you that he has moved on, he would probably not be texting you either. He would call and say "yes, I would like to talk and I do want to work things out." I know it hurts to be hit with a reality like this but talking to him now will only hurt you more. Just text him back: no thanks. Or don't respond. And then do NC so that you can get to the point where you can say you've moved on too. So sorry you have to go through this, but if he's moved on, then he's not the guy for you and no amount of your wanting that to be true will make it true.

[SaraJane]

Do you think I should reply something like ' If you have fully moved on, do you see a point in talking?' just so I get an answer?!

 

No Nikki, I do not think that you should. As much as you want to go fishing for hope you need to accept his statement for what its worth no matter how hard it hurts... he has moved on.

 

That is your answer.

[Nikki23]

Just took me a couple of hours to take it in. I know exactly what you all are saying is true. I'm right back to square 1 again!! I feel dreadful, last month he was the 1 who was wanting to talk and now he's moved on!! This is so f**ked up, I can't believe I'm never EVER going to be with him again. I know how much he loved me but he obviosly just doesn't have any feelings for me anymore at all!

 

Thanks for all the advice just need to pull myself together again!! I think it maybe was better that I sent the letter cause I would never have thought it was fully over!

 

As I'm writing this he just texted back really quickly when I said it wasn't a good idea to meet, saying;

 

Don't be silly we'll meet up and I'll take you to lunch or something!

 

He panicked, I have a feeling this could be just games he's playing.

 

I have told him though on several occasions (pretending) that I've moved on and that's why he was so confused that I sent a letter.

[SaraJane]

Be strong Nikki, its not a pleasant situation but I can tell that you're intelligent and you probably know the right answer... you just need to remind yourself and stick with it.

 

Dont draw out the emotions by playing games with him or allowing him to do the same.

 

Come on over if you need to get your mind off of it, Im about to put in a bunch of movies that'll prolly make me bawl my eyes out all night, and I've got 4 flavors of ice cream... I'd be more than happy to share, and I've got an extra bean bag.

[Nikki23]

ha ha!! thanks Sarah Jane!! That's just what I need! Going back up to my hometown tomorrow and will get some nights out and things with my mates, I'm sure I've just got too much time on my hands just now and getting sucked into a stupid way of thinking and reminising (cant spell that!)

 

You're right, at the end of the day he's moved on and this will be the kick in the * * * I needed!! Read over the posts I made last night and I was just soooo deluded!!

 

Thanks for your advice!! xx

[onayrb]

Nikki,

against what everyone here says, I say go and meet him (you are in town anway as you say). But go and meet him with the objective of getting closure. You need that as there are possibly small grounds for uncertainty (he may have said he's moved on because you said that before He may be trying to look strong and might not be). I do think closure will happen and of course it will hurt. But you will know once and for all. You are both intelligent adults I am sure, so have a calm sensible discussion and tell him you need closure - if you think that is appropriate to say. Good luck. B strong.

[Meow18]

I would agree onayrb. I would say she should go meet him if and only if her intentions were to just get closure.

 

But Nikki, the fact is, that wasn't what your original intention was. Deep down you wanted more. So, if you go, it might just bring you a whole lot of pain.

 

Right now you just have to decide what you want, and if what you want is what you need. Do you need to have this talk with him at this point?

[Nikki23]

hey thanks both of u! I realise it's over now and I know it will be closure, just feel really stupid that I sent letter (wouldn't have done it if I wasn't hanging around waiting on starting my job or hadn't moved to a new place and not known anyone) been keeping it in and not talking about it cause my mates are so far away, which was a mistake as well, they woulda knocked some sense into me!! Talked to my dad's girlfriend who I live with and really wish I had sooner.

 

Need to meet him to get some things anyway, will just make it short and sweet, cause couldn't handle anything else. Trying to think of a way not even to meet him cause it's gonna be too painful watching him walk away! I'll breakdown cause it's not the same as before, it's final. So weird how you can live with someone, share all your thoughts and feelings and then boom! it's all over I'll probably never see him properly again cause I've moved away..so painful. I know though that he's just seen what I saw when we first broke up, that we're not compatible and no amount of loving each other and fancying one another will change that, our personalities clash.

 

Just feel like I'm going through it all again, if he'd just left it when we broke up and not confused things by wanting me back and things, it would never have happened and would've dealt with this 2 months ago.

 

Just ranting, helping to write my feelings, I'm just so sad and feel like my hearts been ripped out, I will miss him so much and it terars me up inside to think that as time goes by he'll just be a distant memory of someone I used to know. All the little things, all the laughs and inside jokes and pet names just keep coming into my head and I can't fight it anymore. There was a lot of screwed up times but I can't think of them.

 

Rant over, thanks for all the advice!

[onayrb]

Good rant Nikki,

Good luck with the meeting. Just hold it together at the time and fall apart in private (then get yourself back together after that (might take a little while!)). All that you say is so typical and it is very sad yes. My very first girlfriend - amongst many other things in the years we were together, said she never wanted anyone else ever -totally/physically - everything. She meant it as well at the time-but at the end I looked at her whilst we were breaking up - when she was cold and distant and I could not understand how that had gone away. When I fell in love the next time and broke up, then similar disbelief was experienced and now although my situation is not as serious, I think how strange it feels, that she used to say "insert really good thing here" and now says nothing.

Take care -each day after you meet will get better.

[Nikki23]

Thanks Onyarb, Helps that you understand!

 

I know everyone experiences this at some point and it's normal, at least next time I'll be able to handle it a bit better if it happens again!

 

He sent me a text saying;

 

'I've chose to move on to prevent me and you destructing ourselves anymore, I will always love and care for you Nikki and I hope that in time we can be friends coz you've been the closest person to me and a best friend as well as a girlfriend.'

 

I'll just pick myself up and be strong when I meet him, which will be tomorrow I think!

 

Thanks again!