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So close to losing my girlfriend


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Hi iam 28 and my girlfriend is 25. I have been in a relationship for over three years with my girlfriend and I love her to bits but I have a problem with myself in that I keep going behind her back to go on gay or bi chat sites not to meet anyone but to chat and arrange a meet but never can go through with it and have done this a few times and have been caught by my girlfriend by emails etc, I dont want to be with a guy physically but in my head I do if you want to say its like a fantasy but I dont want to carry it through. I never had these feelings when I was younger, I have always been attracted to the oppiste sex and never the same sex, the thing is I was raped one time on holiday when I was 15, I got too drunk and ended up on a beach half naked on a sun lounger with a guy raping me I was too drunk to stand or walk so I couldnt fight back and didnt realise till the next day when I woke up, I only remember bits of that night , I have never told anyone other than my girlfriend. From then I have always bottled my feelings up and never been open to anyone, always keep people at arms length if you want to say. Iam slowly opening up with my girlfriend but I still have the feelings that keep resurfacing of going on to the sites not to meet like I said, this is putting a hell of a strain on us as you can imagine. Iam so close to losing her but she has shown me brilliant support in this matter but I need help with this problem. Believe me when I say that i am more than happy in the relationship with my girlfriend but the feelings keep on appearing and I dont know how to stop them this is why Iam on here. How do I deal with these feelings? How can I stop them? Is there a way to stop them resurfacing without bottling up all my feelings? long story short, i joined gaydar, and emailed a guy from there, i didnt want to meet him, i dont know why i keep doing these things and i want to stop before i lose my girlfriend forever. any advice from anyone reading this would be appreciated, i know i need help, my girlfriend sat me down today and told me that if it doesnt stop then she will leave and never come back because i keep hurting her, she just wants me to be honest with her but i dont know how because since what happened to me i have bottled everything up inside, i find it hard to open up. i want to stop hurting her but dont know how, can someone please help before its too late.

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Ask yourself the following : what good can come out of doing what you are doing.

 

Sooner or later these meetings will probably materialise, and then where is it going to stop?

 

Go and see a counselor, get help. Sort out your past and deal with it. If you want to go the guy route then do it, but don't 2 time your girlfriend - she deserves better.

 

99% of the times infidilety or the thought thereof has much deeper causes. Look at your relationship and what you can do to improve it before messing everything up.

 

I am a firm believer in what you do to others comes back to you sooner or later. (Karma) - I can tell you that nothing good ever comes from cheating...

 

Just my 2c worth

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thankyou all for the replies, is there any other advice you can give apart from seeing a councellor? we are pretty much living on the bread line right now and neither of us could afford to pay for one at this moment in time, i know my problem cant really be solved here, but the reason i came on here was because i have a friend who said it was a fantastic place to come for the best advice so i thought i would give it a try, thankyou all again

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