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Can telling him some things make a difference?


laboheme
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Sorry for the long post, guys...My boyfriend of two years called things off recently (loving feeling gone). Now I'm wondering how to interpret the fact that he wants to hang out on our would-be anniversary (in a week), and actually reminded me that we need to make plans for that. Then, he wants to explore the college campus together (he transferred to my school) and says that it will "give us a chance to see each other." Also, there was a fundraiser that he organized two days ago, and I decided to attend just to have fun and catch up with old friends (yes, and to see him). However, it was clearly difficult for me to be there as his friend and not his girlfriend, despite the fact that he still gave me hugs and smiled at me and all, and he seemed to notice that. So afterwards he sent me a message saying that I looked uncomfortable at times, that he feels like a total jerk and hopes that I had at least some fun, and that it was nice to see me there. He ended his message with "anyway, i guess ill stop now....contact me on ur ideas about the movie...and we'll figure it out around our schedules.....and i need to give u my class schedule!" Yesterday he called me to say that he has two days off this week, if I want to watch it then.

 

Is it completely dumb of me to hope that this is a "break" rather than a breakup? I know for a fact that there's nobody else...and could it be that if we spend time together and have fun (I'm NOT planning on crying on his shoulder, no way!) he'll be willing to give things another shot? Here's a little list of the reasons for the breakup, with my thoughts on them...

 

1. He says this was 90% of it. He felt like I didn't care, because I was too "restrictive" with our schedules, due to things like work (I would always agree to take other people's shifts even if that meant not having the day off), and not wanting to stay out too late for fear of looking trashy and irresponsible to his parents (we're both 20, but still live at home -- and he's the "nice, shy boy," while I'm the "nice, smart girl", so staying out until all kinds of hours is a little...odd?). This is why I don't want to go NC -- I guess it's LC right now, I'm doing my best to avoid acting clingy and desperate. I'm wondering if I make time for him and take certain risks with my schedule, he'll see that I really am willing to make the effort to spend time with the person who's most important to me, whereas if I go NC, he'll think that I really don't care at all. The ironic thing is, now that we're no longer together, my work schedule is much more conducive to hanging out...

 

2. Physical things. Since both of us live at home, it's hard to find enough privacy to engage in certain romantic acts. Things were great when I was living in a different state and he came to visit, and things were great when his parents were out of town and I could come over...But basically, we can't go past a certain point unless we have complete and total privacy, which we haven't had in a while. Not to sound shallow...but we both acknowledge the fact that lack of physical intimacy contributed to the breakup. Any ideas on how people deal with that kind of problem -- either in this relationship, should it return, or in future ones? And it's not the lack of physical attraction that I'm talking about, it's the inability to act on it due to our surroundings.

 

3. My pessimism. Pretty self-explanatory. I admit that I would always see the future as "Oh, we won't have any time to see each other, we both have school, I work, you work...this sucks." I know that got to him. But right now I'm so willing to put in the effort to make things work if he gives us another chance! Is it possible that he will once he sees that I am optimistic about getting him back and making time for each other? How do I go about proving that to him?

 

4. He is very dedicated to family values and sports. I'm not...or so he thinks. When we first met, I didn't care one bit for sports, and I always thought that career was more important than family. HOWEVER, my values have changed in the last two years...but he doesn't know it. I did not change them for him, of course...but I matured, had some experiences...and saw how important family is to some people, which made me realize that yes, I want to have a loving caring family that will be the most valuable thing in my life. But I'm stubborn as a mule and refused to acknowledge or show the fact that I changed, so I tried to scare myself out of the concept of family, if that makes any sense. I tried to convince myself that babies are evil, that once you're married, your life is ruined, etc. simply because I didn't want to admit to myself that now I place family above career. Same with sports, after going to a school with an awesome basketball program, I became sort of interested...to the point of spending six weeks in a tent to get into a game. But once again, I was stubborn, and when he suggested attending a few games together next year, I said that I didn't want to waste my time with something so pointless and stupid (I did...I just didn't want to admit it.) If he tried to teach me some things about sports, I would flat out refuse, because I didn't want to show my interest in something that I previously hated. I know things like that upset him. So...Do I tell him all these things? But if I do, will it make me look like I changed my values and interests for him, which I definitely didn't (if he thinks I did, it's a lost cause, he always told me that I should be myself and no one else, and that changing to fit other people's standards is a sign of weakness)? But if I somehow make him realize that I don't hate the two things that are so important to him and that, in fact, I kind of like them, will it give us hope?

 

Once again, sorry for the long post...but any advice is greatly appreciated. This guy is really a treasure, he always believed in me and made me a stronger, more confident person (to the point that his breaking up with me did NOT shatter my self-esteem and make me feel worthless...which, unfortunately, seems to happen with a lot of people post-breakup). I know that life will go on with or without him, but I have yet to see another real-life relationship where the guy is so honest, caring, supportive, etc., let alone hope to find one for myself. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I want him back...

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I think that you should ask him to meet and talk about getting back together. Tell him you have given serious thought to the reasons he broke up with you and think that, if he is willing to try, some negotiation and compromise on both sides might put the relationship back on track.

 

Ask him with a certain amount of confidence - not a hint of begging or pleading. But a sense of loving him and wanting to fix what went wrong.

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I disagree with DN. I don't think that talking and the frontal direct approach always works. I think it works best when something is wrong and you want it fixed, and there is god reason for it not being a factor of telling the othe person to change. If your partner yells at you because they are stressed, you can tell them that you won't take being treated as their stress doll or verbal punching bag. But when you want them, an indirect approach is often best.

 

First, I think you are already on the road to getting back together. He wants to spend time with you. He wrote to you after this weekend, and appreciated you being there and took on blame because your were not comfortable. He wants you to have his class schedule and make plans with him. He is giving lots of indications of wanting to be with you. Don't rush him into being with you, exert no pressure.

 

Second, be nice to him. Make it easy and fun for him to be with you, when you can. He should enjoy it and want more of it.

 

Question about college this fall, will you both be living at home wiht your parents? If so, yes, that makes intimacy tougher. Are there dorms on campus? Do you think once in a while you could borrow a dorm room for a short while? Convince one of your firends, bring your own air mattress, sheets etc., so you don't mess up theirs, which might gross them out. Maybe one night order some dinner from a take out place, light a candle or two, direct him there, and enjoy. Maybe you could do it when someone go away for a weekend. If not, you need to send one of your parents away once in a while or find a cheap hotel room. Be careful, you're too young to take big risks.

 

3. If he spends time with you, be friendly and touch him, give him a chance to bust a move. A man being touched by a woman should normally get good signals to bust that move. If he won't, after being given a few chances, bust one yourself. No more should need to be done. Once you have been a little romantic, you can ask if he wants to try again, or something.

 

4. Get over it. Really, this is your pride getting in the darn way and you cannot let it sink things. You're only other choice is to find ways to indicate that you have changed your mind, without telling him directly. You might do this by telling someone else in his presense.

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Thanks, it's reassuring to hear positive takes on our situation I'll keep on chugging along with a smile on my face...and improving myself in the meantime so that my next relationship (crossing my fingers that it's with him) will be stronger. And I guess after two years it's natural for the chemistry to fade somewhat, so I'll give my best effort to try and work things out...hope he'll understand and do the same!

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