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I feel my innocence was taken...


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Wow – I never knew how much could happen in a week before college even started. It had been about a lil while since my ex and I split, and though I understood why we couldn't be together - we basically broke up because I was going out-of-state for college - though it was sooner than I expected (see my last post if you want to, but it's not needed)

 

It had been really hard for me because he was my first bf (2 ½ months), but I I had decided to get and out and be social. I was with my group when my best guy friend offered me a ride home. We had both liked each other at various points – we were both MCs together, were dance partners in our musical, formals, etc… but b/c of timing and the fact that I had spent sooo much time with him he became like a brother to me, so we never dated EVER. Dating him would be like dating my brother, but it's good to have guy friends like that.

 

We were like one another's guy/gal advice pal, and this guy had helped me a lot with my ex – from the point of getting him to the point of getting over him. We were talking about it on the way home and he ended up pulling over and asked if he could give me a kiss "as a friend" to make me feel better. Now my ex had alluded to me that he was already sleeping or at least doing stuff with other people (jerk), so at the time I thought a kiss was no big deal. If anything, I was naïve enough to think that a guy who has been a best friend to me for 11th-12th grade of high school would be trying to do what's best for me – kinda like the cute TV series where the guy friend is trying to make a girl feel better. Besides, it's not like an innocent kiss (my ex was my first kiss) would be bad. My guy friend had only had one girl friend, and he was on the "safe and innocent" guys of our grade.

 

A kiss wasn't all he wanted, and it went from kissing to touching to finally jabbing his fingers into me. I told him it was weird and to stop, but he ignored me. I told him he was hurting me, and I regret only really fighting back (as in kicking him in the crotch and demanding he take me home) when he wanted to have sex – I mean hello, I'm waiting for marriage! For me there was so much going on in my mind 1) How the hell did this happen? 2) I thought he was gay 3) He's one of my best friends 4) this hurts like heck 5) my ex 6) my ex. I feel like.. in a way, I've lost my innocence. My ex truly cared for me, and with stuff that we did it took a long time for me to be able to do physical things with him.... that is sooo important and emotionally binding to me. I loved him, so for me what I did with my ex I don't regret all, but with my guy friend, it meant nothing except pain. I'm not even physically attracted to the guy friend in any way - he basically used my body for his rough pleasure, and ended up scratching me internally. I just feel dirty, slutty, and used.

 

I was in such a state of shock (if you haven't been in this situation you have no idea…. I'm pretty book/street smart…. Top 15% of my class and I'm quite worldy) that there is NO WAY to describe to you what this feels like. I hope you the reader isn't thinking – wow, what a stupid blonde, why didn't she do something – b/c I would probably be thinking the same thing. Not only did he overpower me, but emotionally it hit me harder than it did physically. Think of your best guy friend of 2 years who has always been there for you forcing off your clothes. I was sore for three days afterwards… and his mention of "doing this again sometime" scared me more than anything.

 

And just in case – no I didn't flirt with him or lead him on. I don't flirt with this guy... like at all. To most of my guy friends I'm like the little sister....the young one of our group of friends. I didn't even look cute – I mean, I didn't know that wearing a loose T-shirt and a long skirt without make-up turns guys on, or just earlier saying how I still love/I'm not over my ex is hot.

 

Afterwards I was in shock and disbelief for a couple of days. I kept/keep seeing him in large group settings, and I avoid him as much as I can. He told me not to tell anyone or else – and I don't want to – I have the best rep and for this to get out and have people remember me only for this incident…. That would KILL me. Of course I've been upset…. And I ended up drinking a lot, and being moody, and my parents were going to make me stay in-state and go to school where the guy friend was going. I was so upset by this – I had worked soo hard to get where I am today – that naturally I spilled everything to the next close friend I who called me which happened to be my ex. (I know about the NC thing, but we promised to stay friends, even if it was awkward)

 

Of course I knew he'd be angry (not at me at all) but I had no idea how furious he'd get. He wanted for me to tell him who it was (it happened to be one of his good friends) and how he'd beat the crap out of him. He was in another city at the time, but otherwise he said – (and he would've) all he wanted to do was be there for me. Of course I wanted for nothing to happen to the guy friend – my ex is in the navy and could pull him to pieces – for I didn't want my ex to get in trouble or for people to find out. But as I thought on it more, the guy friend told me not to tell anyone – and who knows who he'd do this to in the future? He's going to the university in my city, and many of my close girl friends will be seniors next year and he'll be around them all the time. I had to protect them if anything, so I met up with my ex in person to tell him who it was.

 

Even he was shocked about the identity of this person, and he promised to only threaten him that if he touched me again… or my friends, he'd regret ever living. My "in a band" guy friend is completely scared of my ex physically, so we both decided in that way it would be extremely effective. If anything, I feel my heart is now at rest, and I'm now ready and able to leave for college with closure from the experience.

 

And now for my question….When we met up (I had only seen him once since the break-up), all my ex wanted to do was hold me, and he did until it was time to leave. He told me in no way was he seeing anyone else, and the reason he broke up with me was because it hurt too much that I was leaving him, though he was happy for me. I put my head on his shoulder like I always did when we were dating, and he stroked my hair. For a long instant, it felt like we were dating again. There was such a strong current between us. I know you're thinking – yeah yeah… what a connection – but it did feel two-sided, for I was the one to pull out of it as I had to go. (which I actually did)

Starting today, I have five days left until I'm 10 hours (8 hours if I drive..haha) away from everything and everyone. My ex called and invited me to a party at his cousin's tonight, and I pretty much said I was going. I can back out, but for me, it's like "why?" He broke my heart and hurt me SOOO much, but it's nothing compared to what my "best" guy friend did. It's kinda like I'm completely over that loss, because a) he truly cared for me b) we agreed when we started to break up when I left and c) it would be a great time. I know I have only a couple days left until I'm with all new people, and 10,000 guys to choose from (though who knows if I can trust any of them?) I feel if I go though, I don't think I can trust myself around him…. I mean, who knows how he'll act, but personally there will be other couples there and that's how I want to act with him.

 

I want to be held, because with him I feel protected and safe, which is normal that I want that after what's happened. I suppose, but maybe I'm just kidding myself. I mean… if I know we can only be friends, at least until I come home for break (where we thought about dating again) am I setting myself up for failure? Is it that bad if we happen to make out? Don't worry, nothing else will happen. I just need a second opinion…or third… or fourth. Ugh... I don't know…. If anything, thank you for listening (or reading) my experience, and I hope that through me, maybe someone won't have to go through what I've gone through.

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Dancegal, Thank you for sharing your story. I can really relate to you here. 3 yrs ago, my ex and I broke up and I was devastated. I met this guy who seemed nice, he was actually a habitual rapist, and he raped me. I felt so bad about it happening, defending that I didn't flirt like you are doing, all of these emotions. I was a virgin at the time and was a strong believer in waiting until marriage. The emotions you feel are amazing. I told my ex what happened and he came running back to me, he took off work to stay with me, and he was so nurturing. What I am telling you here is that some men will run to your side when you are vulnerable so they can be a hero. 2 yrs later, my ex and I broke up for the final time and never got back together. I know he wasn't the man for me when I ran back to him hurt from the rape, but I wanted to feel safe and comforted, and he did that for me, but I knew we weren't a good match. Rethink things here because you may be wanting someone to comfort you but it's so hard when it's the ex because you are bound to have feelings for him again and get hurt even more.

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A kiss wasn’t all he wanted, and it went from kissing to touching to finally jabbing his fingers into me. I told him it was weird and to stop, but he ignored me. I told him he was hurting me, and I regret only really fighting back (as in kicking him in the crotch and demanding he take me home) when he wanted to have sex – I mean hello, I’m waiting for marriage! For me there was so much going on in my mind

 

He told me not to tell anyone or else

 

This guy sexually assaulted you and is a criminal. You trusted him. You told him no- you fought him off. It's not your fault. You did everything you could do and was wise enough to defend yourself to prevent sex. You did everything right. You are not "dumb". You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. It's his repuation that will suffer.

 

I think you should expose this creep for what he his. You need to tell someone about this other than your ex. What about your mother can you tell her?

 

 

BellaDonna

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Yes Dancegal,

This guy needs to be exposed to the police. If you have any questions, please let me know. At the very least, a report will be on file so if he does this again, he will be behind bars. With my rapist, he had done this to other women and I talked to each and every one of them, but they didn't file a police report out of fear of retaliation/murder. Well, I am the only one who did, so my case alone wasn't stronge enough to prosecute him to the fullest extent of the law. He is telling you not to tell anyone because he raped you. I would definitely file a report for your own sake ~ this may effect you greatly in the future emotionally and you will feel so much better that you took an active role in the process by making sure the legal system knows this man takes advantage of woman. Please do it for your sake. I am always available to talk so please PM, I can walk you through the process, what to expect, how everything works, who to tell, etc.

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Not to be a thorn in your side but this isn't over.

 

From what I understand people that commit these types of crimes will do so until they are stopped. Simply threatening him or attempting vigilante-style justice isn't going to cut it. A few months or years down the line it is extremely likely this guy will do something (or worse) to another person. You can put a stop to this by taking it to the police.

 

No one would think less of you. In fact, I'd be willing to bet most of the people that heard about you would be impressed that you stood up and brought light to the situation.

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I think you should tell your mom or another trusted adult, or counselor at school.

 

First of all, he has nothing on you. His threats about ruining your reputation are empty. You are a virgin and you had one boyfriend. You are responsible (your grades speak for themselves). I'm not saying that if you were not a virgin or did not have good grades that the crime that happened to you would be any less wrong- but what I'm saying is many times creeps and rapists try to blame the victim by bringing up unrelated things about their sexual past to try to distract from their crime. You don't even have a sexual past though. He can't even go that route.

 

You need to something because I agree with the others, this guy is destined to rape someone. If he was supposedly your "friend" and manipluated you in a time of weakness, then forced himself on you and would not stop until you kicked him in the groin- just imagine what he'd do to a stranger who he met at a party, or someone who did not physically fight back etc. He's a time bomb waiting to go off.

 

Don't let him intimidate you anymore, sweetie. It's him who stands to lose HIS reputation. He's so afraid you'll let his little secret out. His comments about not telling, "or else" point right to his guilt too. He's a coward. He's likely walking on pins and needles right now. You are in control. (Even though he'd like you to believe otherwise) It's time to tell.

 

BellaDonna

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Thank you all for your support. You have NO idea how much this means to me. I just... I know that I should, but I just can't at the moment. And I know that that may sound completely horrible, but right now I have sooo much stuff going on that getting the police involved would just stress me out to the limit. With only four days left to be with my friends and family, right now is just not the best time - I mean - I'm an only child, and my overprotective parents already think I'm still like ten, and if I was to spring this on them, they would NOT send me out-of-state. If I told them or got the police involved now, I wouldn't be going to school, and for me not to go because of this guy would allow him to win in my mind.

 

I ended up telling my five best girl friends yesterday, and they are now here for me 110%. I wish I had told them earlier so I wouldn't have had to deal with any of this on my own, but what's done is done.

 

I think I'll tell mom when I come back for fall break - but right now, with 10 intense days of sorority rush, going to a different state where I know no one, and having musical auditions soon (I'm in a select program) this is something that I and she (she was just diagnosed with breast cancer) can't deal with. And my dad will either never know, or I'll tell him once I'm out of school, b/c knowing him he'll freak out.

 

I know it sounds like I'm letting him get away with this, but other than to go to the police, which right now I'm not strong enough, and I have no proof, I feel there's not a lot I can do. I mean, do you think I should let it get so everyone knows? There wouldn't be any official charges against him, but in my area if something like this got out, everyone and their dog would know - which not only would hurt him, but also his semi-prof band (a record-label is signing them soon)

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I think in the end your parents would be far more upset about you waiting so long to tell them, or keeping in from them. I think you should tell them right away....at least your mom....so she can support you and help you decide what to do next.

 

How are you feeling after all of this? I know you have a lot going on to keep you busy right now- but what I would worry about is that some time later on once you're away, it might all catch up with you and you might become depressed, or scared of guys/social situations etc. (It's a common to experience post-traumatic stress after an assault) I think if at all possible, it's better to address this now. It's not good to keep things like this inside. It's quite a burden to have to carry it around with you.

 

I just think if you told your mother you might feel some sense of relief. Maybe if you are not comfortable saying it or answering questions about it- you could write her a detailed letter about what happened. This was not your fault. I'm sure she will see that.

 

BellaDonna

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dancegal, I never told my parents I was raped either, I just knew it would hurt them so much and my father had a stroke, so it wasn't prime timing. What I did do was talk to a social worker, she helped me get free counseling, unlimited forever, as long as I need, and it has helped me greatly, to really open up about what I feel and not be judged. You will never be able to open up 100% to friends, because you will worry if the will be biased or if they will understand. Most rape treatment counselors have been raped and understand what it's like. It sure changed my life. When you prosecute, a social worker can be there with you. I loved having the social worker, she came to stay with my all through the night, gave me warm blankets, made me feel safe. I would suggest reaching out and I can help you do it too. Holding it in will hurt you. My rape didn't hurt me until 3 yrs later. Why it popped back out, who knows. My counselor thinks it is because the current ex looks and is just like the rapist, so it triggered memories, and there have been so many illnesses in my family, my stress is at an all time high. Please do something now and don't lock it up in a black box like most victims do, such as myself up until now.

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  • 1 month later...

I know this has been a while, but I just want to say that the conflict was resolved, and I want to thank everyone for your support and advice. I told my mom and my close friends, and not only did I feel better, but this guy is now known as the sleaze bag around my area. I also went to college and became quite involved in activities PLUS started dating the sweetest/nicest/hottest guy who is everything a boyfriend should be. For now, life is how it should be, and I'm slowly moving on.

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