Men and Marriages . . . ???

[babypink61]

So my bf and I are both in our mid-20's and we've been together for about 1.5 years. We've had some issues at the beginning but we've managed to work out out and besides that we don't really fight that often and in my opinion everything is going really well. As I start thinking about my future I couldn't help but start wondering where this relationship will be headed. We haven't really talked about it or anything but it seems like my bf is extremely sensitive to the word "marriage". A lot of our friends are either married, have kids, or engaged. Sometimes our friends will joke around and ask when he's going to propose, and when that happens he immediately went on the defensive and starts going off saying "whoa! I'm not even thinking about that right now!" We went out this past weekend with a couple that's engaged and as a joke my friend asked if I wanted to try on her ring just for fun. As soon as my bf saw that, he immediately tried to push me away and said "whoa, I don't think so!" There has been other similar accidents and it really made me have doubts about our relationship. I can't really get a good read on him and I don't want to be the one to bring this up. I think I'd be really sad if we were to be together for another year or two but find out that he doesn't even want to marry me. Sometimes I feel like that maybe I am just wasting my time . . . I know, selfish of me. But I think I am just tired of going on dates and going thru relationship after relationship and I just want to settle down and not having to worry about that kind of stuff. ARe there nybody out there in a similar situation??

[Day_Walker]

If you are looking for marriage then you need to bring this kind of thing up long before the 1.5 year mark. This way you weed out the guys that arent interested in marriage. It sounds like your bf isnt close to being interested in marriage, so you needed to decide what you want to do. He has given you all the hints in the world for you to see this, now you need to make your decision.

[Beec]

I see no other way for you to address this other than to tell him you will want to get married, in the not to distant future, and ask him to think about his feelings in that regard, and do not let him answer right them and there.

 

I've seen lots of passive aggressive behavior and it is rarely productive. Sometimes it gets the person who uses it reassured or their way, but it's not good for the long term.

 

I also do not think ultimatums are the right either. They rarely seem to work. But in some sense of the word, you need to know and he probably should know that you will not date indefinitely. And that means he needs to get the idea that you will walk, without marriage being in the future.

 

So, sit him down, tell him that yes you would like for a wedding to be in your future, and that you know he is defensive about the issue. Ask him to think about it and that you will need to talk soon.

[Dako]

A lot of our friends are either married, have kids, or engaged.

 

He may see that as peer pressure. At his age I saw it as a noose around my neck.

If you discuss marriage with him, it would serve you both to forget about your friends' marriages and kids and minivans and just make it about two people and a big decision.

[InaneCathode]

You said you two fight, you 'wonder when the relationship will heal' and you only really want to get married because all the other couples have and you're tired of dating?

Maybe i'm wrong, but those are pretty lousy reasons to get married. You never once mentioned if you love him or not. On top of that, he's obviously not ready to be married yet.

[babypink61]

And to answer InaneCathode's questions: Yes, I am madly in love with this guy. I've never met anybody like him before and he IS my first love. He's had two serious girlfriends before me but he has always said to me that I'm the best he's ever had and he has never felt the way he feels when he's with me. And I'm not bringing this up because I'm feeling pressured from my friends. I can seriously see a future with this guy and I know he would make a wonderful husband and father. I'm not looking in getting married NOW, but from the way he's been reacting, I just couldn't help but wonder if there is a future between us. I think the thing I'm confused on is that is he just trying to be like a typical guy and avoid the subject by playing it off like that? Or is that a sign that he's seriously not interested?

[Hope75]

Have you ever actually directly asked him about marriage? I think after 18 months it is reasonable to ask him if he sees this relationship progressing towards that at some point. I understand you are scared to bring it up, but think about why. Because you are afraid he will say no. BUT... you know you want to get married someday, and you say that you hate thinking about wasting another year or two with him only to find out that he doens't want that with you.

 

Wouldn't you rather know now, at least if he's considering that in the future?

[Jayar]

It's a touchy subject... Personally I envy you because YOUR man is making it crystal clear he doesn't want to get married. Mine led me on, looking at rings and apartments for a long time before getting cold feet and finally ending it 3 weeks ago.

 

You have to decide right now whether you want to be with someone you have to pressure or give ultimatums into marriage. Will he marry you if you do that? Possibly. Or you could waste a lot of time and he won't. Or he WILL and you will waste a lot of time because he might end up marrying someone else he really WANTED to marry in the future. It happens every day.

 

So what I'd do in your situation now is sit down with yourself, ask yourself whether your fantasy of the man that sweeps you off your feet and loves you for all eternity involves him being pressured into marriage? If not, then ask yourself if the relationship as it stands now is enough for you.

 

I DEFINITELY don't recommend bringing it up to him, pressuring him into it, or giving ultimatums. If ANYTHING, if you want to know his true feelings, pull back a little. Don't be so available. Don't bring up marriage. Brush it off at first if he (magically) brings it up. Remember, you can get someone to marry you but that doesn't mean they wanted to marry you as much as you wanted to marry them. I think I have learned a little from my mistakes...

 

Good luck!

[InaneCathode]

If you give him an ultimatum it'll only make it worse, just saying. Someone who's pressured will back out if they're pressured more.

[babypink61]

Thanks for the great advice everyone!

 

I think I feel more comfortable just kinda lay low for a while and see what happens. I think if I were to bring up the subject again he's gonna freak out . . . we'll see what happens . . .

[RayKay]

I have to say his extreme sensitivity and reaction to the subject at all is not a positive sign.

 

That being said, pressure and ultimatums are definitely not the way to go either.

 

I DO think that at your age, that you should both have been able to discuss where things are going at this point. Unless you want to wait another 4 years to find out he never plans on getting married of course. I would rather hear a "no" now, then wait a few more years to have what I suspect confirmed.

 

Just because you discuss it, does not mean it has to happen NOW, but personally for me, it is important that my partner and I are on the same wavelength concerning our relationships future and goals. Not everyone has to get married, but I think that if one of you wants to, and one doesn't, one of you will not be happy with the "compromise" in the end.

 

 

Remember, that you may feel he is the one you want to marry, but that does not mean he will definitely feel the same towards you. These are things that as a long term couple, that should, and need to be discussed. And they should not be subjects so steeped in "fear and aversion", I don't know, but I enjoy (and my partner enjoys) talking about our future together.

 

But I think I am just tired of going on dates and going thru relationship after relationship and I just want to settle down and not having to worry about that kind of stuff.

 

I highlighted this because I also want to say...these are not good reasons to get married.

 

You don't get married as you want to settle down and not date anymore, or have "problems" anymore. Because marriage itself is a process and involves effort. It won't solve problems that are already there. And it is not a good idea to do it just because everyone else is! I knew lots of my friends whom got married when we were around 20/21 for example....guess how many of them are still married??? (the answer is those that are, are not to the ones they married first time around!). Peer pressure is NOT a valid reason!

 

Your choice to be married should be as you mutually decide as a couple that it is what you both want, that you both are prepared for the work of marriage, that you are compatible in terms of your relationship goals, lifestyles, and you have a healthy relationship together.

 

I saw an interesting article the other day that talked about this couple in my hometown approaching their 89th anniversary together, and it talked about other couples whom went for the long haul. It posed question of how do you make a marriage work...the answer was quite simple really. You increase the chances of a marriage's success by choosing the right partner.