it's moi, he's on his way home

[itsallgrand]

And I can't sleep. I'm very nervous.

No work tomorrow, end of long weekend, and I keep having 'epiphanies' which I am trying to see what to do with.

 

This week I wore a dress again for the first time in ages. I changed my hair, I'm getting back into my old habits of skin care routine work-outs good foods.

I am slowly getting better.

 

I have times now of great nakedness, where i feel more like me again.

But there is still residual bad habits, times of feeling sorry for myself and blue, bad memories cropping up uninvited, times where my hands and body shake and I don't know why it is, times where i feel utterly and completely lost and shaken, times where i see one more bit of just how much has been taken from me and how much i've been hurt and it wasn't my fault, times where i see how much i recline back to my private thoughts, how warped and noncommunicative i can be and why that is so.

 

I'm still trying to process and reclaim my life, step by step. Not done yet.

 

I just wanted to post this bc I really needed to get it out. I know it is somewhat self indulgent, but I don't know who else i would say these things to, and i can't quite seem to be able to look at it simply alone right now, with no mirror, and i haven't quite found all the right outlets yet.

 

I feel like a lot of this has been surreal, with a lot of farce and nonunderstanding, non communicating, non connection. I feel like a year of my life has been unreal, a big blur, happened to someone else yet...

 

I don't know if i know this man, really, who is coming to see me. And does he know me?

 

I am going to find out, and it scares me. It scares me bad.

 

Now i am going to see more of where he is screwed up too, i'm going to have to listen and be there, and i'm going to have to face reality...whatever that is.

I can't say 'it's bc i'm sick, i can't do this that for you'. NO.

I need to be real about what is going on.

 

Wish me luck.

[arwen]

Hey girl,

 

I am a bit confused about your post. Is this about you not wanting to have sex with your bf when he returns? You seem to be working on yourself, cudo's for that! What are you scared of finding out?

 

Ilse

[itsallgrand]

hey, thanks.

 

I'm scared of seeing him, at all, in the flesh, as weird as that seems.

 

I guess I'm scared of what will happen between us now, and how he will be towards me. I feel like I've changed. I'm scared of the new...which to most people is just life! lol.

 

Like a little kid...what if he doesn't like me anymore? what if it goes badly and he feels differently now? that sort of silly thing.

[arwen]

These feelings are very common if you are in LDR. Certainly if you spend most of the time NOT together and separated by a big distance. Just wait and see. Your life itself does not depend on this relationship! How long did you not see him?

 

Ilse

[itsallgrand]

Oh, we're not in LDR. lol. It's only been a month, him away at work.

 

Things have just been weird. You're right, my life does not depend on this relationship.

It'd be nice for things to work out though. Maybe i'm mistaking excitement for anxiety ... get so used to getting worked up about things, yknow.

[nottoogreen]

Hi Itsallgrand,

 

I wish you good luck, confidence, happiness, success and wisdom!!!.

 

You could read the dreaming of ex thread again.