trying to fight it

[dpressedone89]

I feel like i am way too close to the edge right now. I havent done anything yet but I want to just end it. I cant pinpoint whats wrong, im not sad or anything i just feel id- well id rather not feel. Im head over heals in love and I am told that she loves me back and that makes me happy. but my day to day life is getting harder to deal with like bricks being stacked on my chest and it feels like my stomach is on fire i cant eat or sleep and all i do is think of either killing or dying.

 

I will not go to therapy because the last 2 times i went i had one therapist flip out and total made things worse with the name-calling and labeling, the other borke my confidentiality agreement. also no more drugs for me the last one made me want to kill myself more.

 

i havent done anything but i cant hold off forever i think im losing it

 

-stitcheS

[NKP]

Yes life is hard and suicde seems like the only answer to you, but look around, look at all the people you will hurt by your death, i know for sure i will be hurt, your a good friend. I know people say this all the time, give it time things will improve, but it is true. I want to see you happy, i dont want to see you hurting anymore. Please dont think about killing yaself, think about living and makingthe most outta yor life

[BornToResist]

You are only seventeen. Please don't do anything drastic to harm yourself or end your life. It has barely even begun. I know things suck for you, I have read some of your other posts. But you can still change things!

 

Life changed for me once I got out of high school. I was able to get a job, move out, live my own life! People were different and way more accepting of me, and I enjoy this time of my life much more.

 

You have so many thing to experience, don't make up your mind yet. You can get out of school and get a job to save up money and travel the world if you want...you can go to college if you want...you can save up and just start new in a new place if you want...SO many options.

 

Don't give up. You sound intelligent, don't let this break you.

[NKP]

Talk to us, tell us what you are thinking and what is going on in your head

[nottoogreen]

Hi,

 

I have something that may help you. It's part of a bigger guide which I will post soon.

 

Could you please read that carefully, several times. Next please take up a Mental survival activity like writing poems - you do that already, do more.

 

Most important to remember and perform.

This is the most important part of this guide. Please take it seriously as your success largely depends on it.

• You are precious, your life is precious and you deserve to be happy!
  
• When someone hurt or abused you it was not your fault!
  
• You have a future, you always will as long as you do not give up!
  
• You deserve to be understood, but to expect understanding is very foolish.
  
• Regrets are the most difficult feelings to deal with.
  
• Life often is like three steps forward and one step back. Expect setbacks and do not let setbacks bother you. Just move along your chosen path.
  
• Realistic expectations. Carefully consider your expectations as unrealistic expectations breed resentment and set you up for failure.
  
• Be realistic about your ability and carefully consider your ability as your failure to meet your expectations hurts you and may hurt others.
  
• Patience and persistence. Changing any situation or yourself takes time and effort. Changing your feelings takes time and is often painful. It does make sense to endure reasonable pain for a better happier future.
  
• Adaptability of your mind. Your biggest strength is that your mind adapts to what you do often and the more so, the more motivated you are. As you move up, your mental ability increases. This strength is also your biggest weakness as your mental ability decreases when you are frustrated or unmotivated. Your mind also adapts to negative thinking. Thus it is important to think positive!
  
• Break circles of thought. If you realize that you think or fear the same again and again, break out of it by telling yourself: STOP, NO WORRIES. Divert your thoughts away from a circle of thought. The Mental survival activities or Exercise activities below may be of help to distract you.
  
• Mental survival activities. Develop one or more mental activities which can occupy your mind and give you a sense of calmness and accomplishment. One activity should be as simple as possible in order to be performable at any time. Exercise these activities regularly. Examples are: writing poems, writing down feelings, drawing and reading. Use the Exercise activities below as alternative and for backup. Be prepared and never run out of supplies to perform these activities. These activities train you on focusing your mind and give you a sense of accomplishment.
  
• Exercise activities. Develop an interest in one or more physical activities and perform these regularly. Examples are push-ups, sit-ups, running, swimming and biking. At least have one activity you can perform in your room and one out-door activity. Exercise is healthy and gives you a sense of accomplishment.
  
• Be sure you have enough sleep. Sleep deprivation makes manic and leads to countless secondary problems from anxiety, over-acting, over-excitement, over-thinking to under-performing. If you can't sleep, perform Mental survival activities and/or Exercise activities until you relax enough to fall asleep. Given training and experience, you will relax and fall asleep! No pills needed!
  
• KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid. Do not over-act, over-excite or over-think.
  
• Help - If you have questions or need help, please post or seek professional help!
  

 

I remember your story very well, You'll be out there in a few months. Hang in there son!

 

Yust go ahead and talk. Write down all your feelings here. We listen.

 

And keep writing poems!!

[dpressedone89]

ok first of all i am feeling numb. just a an echo inside my head of all my thoughts and feelings at once telling me do it, to die. it will be flavor of the week and a week of sadness then the world will return to its normal flow and ill be forgotten and i try to ignor it but the more i ignore it the louder it gets.

 

i want to cut myself to shreds i think that even if i dont die it will let out alot of whats in me, physically as in blood and emotionally which would be good becasue i hate myself emotionally and physically. i cant write anything, right now. words dont come out

 

not to mention the fact im hearing voices scares me.

 

-stitcheS

[nottoogreen]

Do not ignore your feelings.

 

You were thinking to move out, what happened?

 

What you hate about yourself?

[dpressedone89]

i hate everything about myself. i hate how i look. i hate how i feel i hate the words that i say i hate everything about me. and moving out cant happen till february when im 18 or hopefully next august the girl i love will get a place with me but until then im here.

[nottoogreen]

So, you love a girl, does she love you? You want to live together?

 

This is great, but please don't SI or die on her in a year.

 

Love yourself and think of her while you read this: Accept Your Body and Learn to Have a Positive Self Image. If you read it, read it again!

[arwen]

i hate everything about myself. i hate how i look. i hate how i feel i hate the words that i say i hate everything about me. and moving out cant happen till february when im 18 or hopefully next august the girl i love will get a place with me but until then im here.

 

This message tells me that you do have dreams for the future, and that they will be realized within a year. Living at home with the parents can be hard, I moved out at 18 and am happy that I did so. What about making a sort of lists with things that will make you happy in the future, and things you can do now to feel better? For starters, I know you are a good writer and you can write great poems. You have artistic talents, and are a smart guy. What kind of profession do you want? What are you going to do after highschool? You had a pic of you in your avatar and you are a good looking fellow. But that doesn't help unless you see that yourself. A lot of teens have a hard time with the way they look, I think if you'd have a sort of poll amongst people of your age, ALL of them would rather look different, also the people you'd consider pretty.

 

I know you are really not into the therapy thing, but I also think that you need to change your attitude before anything else. I am not saying that you need counselling, and that is the only way to get better. But start out with a belief that you can change for the better. You will see that you have more power to change than you know of.

 

Ilse

[NKP]

I know for a fact if you died i wont forget you, i will always remember you, and i will hold so much guilt

[dpressedone89]

yes she loves me back, but we arent togehter because of LD, so there is no R. i read that link and all the subsequent links but it doesnt really apply im not overwieght i like my body type its just certain things like hair colour my hands the left side of my face small things i hate about my appearance.

 

and i realize i have goals acheivalbe under a year but its only one thing and its the only thing i have to hold on to and if it doesnt come true then i have nothing and noone but myself and i cant tell you how much i hate my own company

[itsallgrand]

dpressedone89,

 

Hey. Whenever I come accross one of your threads, I go out of my way to read it. I've gotten to really like seeing your name and hearing what you have to say.

And I relate to what is going on with you oftentimes, too. I worry about you, and wish that there was someway I could take on a bunch of that pain for you.

Unfortunately, I can't. I can only hope you take the time to listen to us here, and to hear that we honestly do care.

You have way too much living and loving and laughing to do yet. Don't you give up!

 

Ok. You feel very awful right now, but you do have people in your life who care for you.

And you have at least that one thing to look forward to.

Can we work on figuring out one more, or two?

 

You really can do this and get through this. I believe in you.

 

Just out of curiosity, have you ever called a suicide crisis line? If you have, what did you think of it?

 

grandy

[dpressedone89]

i called once and my dad made me get off the phone and said i was just embarrassing myself and him by telling people that kind of thing,

[itsallgrand]

Oh man, that sucks. It's too bad 'cause I've actually had some really good experience with a line like that. The lady was very good and helped me a lot, she knew how to get me talking, y'know? I got a lot off my chest and she helped me to create a plan of action.

 

Who all do you live with at home - your dad - do you have any siblings or anyone else there?

[dpressedone89]

my little sister and thats it.

 

im afriad to sleep now though because of chronic nightmares and the whole heraing voices again scares me i dont know what i might do. ive been known to blank out and wake up in the hospital and i dont want that i want my girl (if anything in life is just she will be my girl) to have a hand to hold that isnt covered in scars

[nottoogreen]

The link is not about anything over/under/big/small, it's about accepting what body you have.

 

My hair get's whiter, my body starts rattling here and there, do I want to hate myself?

 

If feel with you and do realize that you are now you biggest enemy! Your dad may be second, but you are honestly your biggest problem.

 

You are precious, your life is precious and you deserve to be happy!

You have a future, you always will as long as you do not give up!

 

Please spend half an hour with post #5. Please hammer it into your head and prepare to be out of your dads home in a few months.

[NKP]

You dont need a girl in your life to be happy

[itsallgrand]

dp,

If you're afraid that you won't be safe tonight alone, is there anyone you can call or can you speak to your dad? Even if it's just to have someone come and check in to make sure you are ok, or to give you a ring? Then if things get bad - a really bad nightmare, if the voices are acting up - you'll know that someone will be checking in on you. that can be helpful and reassuring.

Plus, I really want you to be safe.

 

And there are the lines if you need 'em, and us here. Hey...do you have school tomorrow? l lol.

[nottoogreen]

Sorry if this sounds like "smart" talk: one thing I can tell you from my experience (also here). Guys find it very hard to change and often do so only when there is no alternative. Me too in the past.