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I am stuck in friend land, is it too late?


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After a tumultuous year at home, a girl I hung out with and had a bit of a flirtation with last year recently returned here to start law school. I had never really thought of potential because she was from away, but now that we are back in the same town, we have started hanging out again and I really and rediscovering what I had that inkling of being interested in her last year. We have gone bike, shopping, for coffee and I took her to a special show at the art gallery and we went for a nice walk after.

 

Here some questions. First, we never officially referred to these as dates, even though it was always just the two of us. Does someone need to declare it a date for it to be one? Second, on our recent outing she was doing some things that I could take as signs of interest: she read up on the exhibit beforehand and when I called her on it she blushed and said she was worried about looking dumb in front of me, she told me how she loved hanging with me because I made her laugh so much and that was pretty rare, and she kept commenting on she was surprised that i collected art, liked the symphony etc. as not being like most guys. I walked her home,andshe said normally she would show me her place but it was a mess and so I gave her a hug and went on my way. Then. after a weeks vacation we went just the two of us to a celtic show last wednesday, had a great time, walked her home in the rain, gave another hug. Still wasnt up to making a move or saying something. But after spending such a nice evening, and feeling so comfortable with her about everything, I KNOW i want to push this further, but without being too pushy. I asked her to a fireowrks show this weekend but she was busy still moving into a new apt. I got an e-mail from her the other day that makes me hesitate. She used the friend word with me, saying she was really happy to have a friend who loved to do so many interesting and exciting things. Maybe she is playing it safe, but it made me realize how hard of a time i used to have moving beyond that friend stage and that i am back to that now, and me be alone for a while. It is kinda depressing, even though i know it shouldnt be.

 

Anyways, I am wondering if I should forge ahead and take the leap and take her out for a walk or something i just lay out that I am interested in more, but that my friendship with her makes it important enough that I not make her uncomfortable. What do you think?

How should I read these?

 

This girl is a sweetheart, she goes out of her way to buy gifts for acquaintances on their birthdays, and I dont want to misinterpret her kindness as interest and make her uncomfortable, but i dont want to broach the subject like an oaf either, or miss my chance. Since we have known each other for a little while, I may be in the friend category, but we rarely saw each other because of distance. I went to visit her for a few days last fall and left her flowers as a thank you for her hospitality before I left and she gushed over them by e-mail for a couple days, complimenting me on being a gentleman.

 

I am stuck and dont know what to do!

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Does someone need to declare it a date for it to be one?

 

No not necessary. It can be communicated through your tone of voice, things you talk about, body language, eye contact. A whole bunch of different ways that you could let her know you don't just see her as a friend.

 

Second, on our recent outing she was doing some things that I could take as signs of interest: she read up on the exhibit beforehand and when I called her on it she blushed and said she was worried about looking dumb in front of me, she told me how she loved hanging with me because I made her laugh so much and that was pretty rare, and she kept commenting on she was surprised that i collected art, liked the symphony etc. as not being like most guys. I walked her home,andshe said normally she would show me her place but it was a mess and so I gave her a hug and went on my way. Then. after a weeks vacation we went just the two of us to a celtic show last wednesday, had a great time, walked her home in the rain, gave another hug.

 

It depends how she said it, but they are mid indicators of interest at best. She might be interested in you, but these things don't necessarily show it.

 

Still wasnt up to making a move or saying something. But after spending such a nice evening, and feeling so comfortable with her about everything, I KNOW i want to push this further, but without being too pushy. I asked her to a fireowrks show this weekend but she was busy still moving into a new apt. I got an e-mail from her the other day that makes me hesitate. She used the friend word with me, saying she was really happy to have a friend who loved to do so many interesting and exciting things. Maybe she is playing it safe, but it made me realize how hard of a time i used to have moving beyond that friend stage and that i am back to that now, and me be alone for a while. It is kinda depressing, even though i know it shouldnt be.

 

No need to get down on yourself, just realize the mistakes you made and try to correct them for next time. It sounds like she's trying to "let's just be friends" you, so you need to make a move asap. Best thing you could've done by the way is to challange her on her friends comment. Ask her "is that really what you see us as?" Then you can get into a conversation about it, but if you make a move sooner than later, you won't have to deal with this problem.

 

Anyways, I am wondering if I should forge ahead and take the leap and take her out for a walk or something i just lay out that I am interested in more, but that my friendship with her makes it important enough that I not make her uncomfortable. What do you think?

How should I read these?

 

Sure letting her know the way you truly feel is something that a lot of dating experts don't stress enough. More importantly is how you say it and in turn how it comes accross to her. In the best case scenario, she would already have known you were interested in her from the start, but we're in damage control right now. But leave out the part about your friendship. It sounds like you're making it seem ok if she were to friendzone you, and this honestly isn't the case unless you're ok being her friend (being friends with a girl you're interested in is a bad idea in general anyways).

 

This girl is a sweetheart, she goes out of her way to buy gifts for acquaintances on their birthdays, and I dont want to misinterpret her kindness as interest and make her uncomfortable, but i dont want to broach the subject like an oaf either, or miss my chance. Since we have known each other for a little while, I may be in the friend category, but we rarely saw each other because of distance. I went to visit her for a few days last fall and left her flowers as a thank you for her hospitality before I left and she gushed over them by e-mail for a couple days, complimenting me on being a gentleman.

 

I am stuck and dont know what to do!

 

Best thing you could do right now is to try and accelerate things in a physical direction. Try and give her a kiss. See how things go from there. At least both of you would know what each other's true intentions are.

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If I try and kiss her out of the blue, she may think it too forward, no? I could just challenge the friend comment in the e-mail, i havent really spoken with her since i got that e-mail, just wrote her back to say that i hoped she had a good weekend getting settled in. Maybe when i see her in person i could joke about? I have done it that way before and it has worked....thanks for the advice, what do you think of that idea?

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Yes your view of the situation is correct. You want to address the friends comment. You should make a couple of teasing style jokes about it at first so she knows you don't take the situation too seriously (would creep her out), but then depending on what she says, you could get into discussing it on a more serious level.

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Women love to see that a man can make up his mind a be an adult. You need to first decide wether this is a potential wife and soul mate or just a girl you are attracted to and have fun with. It sound like you have spent enough time with her to make this decision. If you don't know yet then relax and figure that out. You may not even be ready for a serious relationship yet and that is not a bad thing just make sure you are honest withyourself. If she is just an attractive friend and you feel like being in a relationship then just stay friends. If you start dating her and you don't view her as a likely wife the you will probably just end up hurting both of you and wasting each others time. You can have a great time as friends. If you think she is someone you could live with for the rest of your life and you could marry then you need to determine if you are the kind of person that could properly take care of her and love her and a family. This may seem scary and its something you just have to take one day at a time, but you need to decide realistically if you are even ready to go down this path. If you are truly serious about her a family could be a reality very quickly. If you are serious about a family with her, then you need to tell her your feelings without fear and in a way that is sensitive to her as a person. She needs to know that you are man enough to be the man in a relationship. This is particularly important if she is studying law because she is probably very driven and has definite goals set in her life. She also needs you to be very sensitive to her as a woman, because as a law student she is probably not treated as a lady very often. You must be sensitive to her boundaries and her needs. After all of this she still may reject most likely because she is so driven towards her education goals that she doesn't see room in her life for a serious relationship. If she does get into relationship they will probably be with people that she is just having fun with and not someone she truly connects with and wants to be serious with. This of course is just a generality, but one you might want to be aware of. Even if she does reject you, you will have given her a positive image of yourself and it might workout in the future. Good luck. Also she sounds like an intelligent girl and she will probably will not be easily manipulated into the look we kissed now we are in a relationship game. It is important that you chase after her while respecting her boundaries. Women love to be desired and treasured.

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You definitely need to do something to move the relationship in a more romantic and sexual direction. Ask her out to something that is obviously a date, like dinner, or dancing, or a play. Or invite her over to your house and offer to cook her dinner. Then make a physical move. Don't talk about it. Just take her hand. Kiss her. hold her low around the waist while you walk. Hold onto her as if she belongs to you. If she blows off any of these advances then you have your answer. Really though if she has agreed to let you cook her dinner, she should not act all surprized if you make a move. If you ask her out on an obvious date, and she accepts, and then still tries to friendzone you, she is bieng disingenuous.

However, she is probably totally into you, and is waiting for you to make the first move. Make it.

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