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Playing it right when your ex girl contacts you...


Captain34
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Ok So I am back on the formus after a couple weeks of trying to get through things on my own. It has been about 5-6 weeks since he ex broke things off, but two weeks ago things took a sudden change. She saw me with a girl I had briefly dated while we had been split up last winter, and upon seeing us, my ex came up and gave me a hug. She also stayed around the party for an hour, I assume waitying to see when I would leave. She saw me walk the other girl hom, but the entire night I made sure not to touch the new girl or flaunt things in front of my ex. That was two weeks ago. A few days later I left a voicemail asking to go out for coffee. No response. However, tat whole week it was reported to me that my ex was hurting and seemed to be very down. Finally that Friday I sent an email making clear nothign had been going on when we were together, and that I consciously made the decision to come back to the party so she could see I had no intention of spending the night with the new girl and had no motive to hurt my ex.

 

I received a reply email a few hours later! She said she wouldn't deny that it hurt, but that I was entitled to do what made me happy.and that she loves to see that I am moving on. Then she says please don't think she is on bad terms with me, but if she doesn't answer my calls its because she doesn't think its realistic for us to be friends right now. A friend of mine saw her at a party that night, and said she looked down and that she scoped out my group of friends to see if I was there.

 

I ran into her at a party the next night. We did not even say hello to each other. However, I did see her looking at me from afar a couple times and one of her friends brought her up in a conversation with me. I decided to call her a few days later, btu I did not leave a voicemail. She called me back and told me to call her, her tone sounded pretty good.

 

So here's where I made mistakes. I called her back and left a long voicemail telling her I lived her. Then the next day I realized taht was probably wrong, so I called back saying I just needed to get things off my chest and then just left a frioendly message and asked her to call me back when she could. I also sent her a text inviting her to chill out with some peepz at my friend's house that night. The next day some horrible stuff went down with my family, and that took my willpower away and I called her again, leaving a pissed off message telling her to have the decency to call me back. I realized I was wrong so I called again and apologized, this time being long winded but acting cool. Boy do I think that I blew it! You cannot take a call from your ex as a signal to spill all your beans!

 

So yesterday, a couple days after my last call I called again. Left a voicemail saying that I want things to be better between us and I realize that my actions the past week weren't helping things. i told her it bothered me a great deal that we didn't acknowledge each other when we ran into each other, and I thought that she may have been very mad at me, ecause she said she was hurt in her email. I said I didn't want that, so I figured telling her how much I cared, which I had been too guarded to say fully earlier might help. I said I was relieved to do so, but I wasn't being selfish because I had the best of intentions and thought it might help. then I told her about the day of the angry call and about the family problems, which I hadn't mentioned before. I told her that even though we are not together I still look to her to help me with that, because I was always most open with her about it and she was the most comforting. I said it was hard to replace her in taht role, and in many ways I didn't want to, but I would deal with it. Then I decided to lighten the mood and tell her I had finished the first week of my new job, and that I would ove to tell her about it. I said I hope everything was well and hoped she would have a great weekend.

 

That was yesterday and I haven't heard anything.

 

I know I dropped the bomb and made all the wrong mistakes that these forums warn you of....but I am hoping I didn't kill my chances. What should I do from here? Should I wait for her to contact me? Anyone have any thoughts about where she is at? Why did she return my call this past week? I am back in a rut of sorts and I would greatly appreciate any advice you enotaloners can offer.

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Hey Captain!!

 

I've just come on here to have a look at whether anyone has responded to my thread, I am in a similar situation to you!! I've been broken up 2 months now with my ex and did all the good stuff when we broke up, cut him off at first, when I did talk to him later I was cheery and gave the impression I had moved on, yadda yadda..............then he said he did want me back, but I blew it big time!

 

So what...you've made some mistakes! These actions though really make you feel like bull * * * * and give the impression to your ex that you're constantly worrying and analysing over how you're coming accross! What you need to do now is have no contact with her! It will be hard (I know it would have been extremely hard when I did it if my ex wasn't calling constantly) and you'll wanna pick up that phone, but don't! You only learn from making that mistake how awful it feels if they reject you, don't call back, give you some goss on what they've been up to and then you can't let it go and read into what they're up to, so it's really never going to make you feel good!

 

I would say (and I should really have took my own advice here recently) the only way you will (if ever) get her back is by being unavailable. She has to know what it's like not having you in her life EVER again, and she will never know how this feels if you speak now and then. Just cut her off, start doing your own thing (I know it all very well saying it than doing it), force yourself to go to the gym, go out with friends etc. Then, you will be better in yourself that if the time comes that she does want you back or doesn't...whatever...you'll be more equipped to handle it!!

 

The more you don't pick up that phone the more she will wonder what you're up to, whether you've moved on, whether you're seeing someone. See it like a challenge, and believe me the longer it goes on (or even better she starts calling and you ignore) the more in control of the situation you'll feel.

 

Nikki xxx

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Captain,

Do NOT contact her again.

You have made a mistake that numerous poeple have made (myself included) by making contact, then thinking it was wrong...then making contact again to apologise...then on not getting a response, getting angry...making contact again...regretting it....and the vicious cycle goes on...and on (if you let it).

 

Learn from this mistake and (like I have already said) do NOT contact her again. The ball is now totally in her court.

 

Now, just a point to pick up from your post as well. You were in a position of 'power' mate - your ex saw you with a girl and had *no idea* what was going on between you.

That, my friend, is a position that alot of the posters on the board would love to be in.

 

Because of the nature of heartache, we tend to 'bare our souls' to our exes and end up coming accross as needy...and that's what eats us up inside - not so much the fact that we lost our partner, but because we lose our self-respect.

 

Eventually, we come to realise that begging, pleading, getting angry, apologising and excessive contact is not what gets an ex back and is not what helps us to heal - moving on with your life, and forgetting about your ex is quite often what makes us an attractive prospect (for our exes OR for someone new).

 

You should not have explained the situation to your ex about the other girl - if your ex is upset, let her be upset (it's called jealousy....and it's *your* friend!).

Your ex does not deserve an explanation - let her wonder what's going on in your life - don't comfort her by assuring her that you're still there for her.

 

Your ex has gone from being upset, feeling out of control and seeing you as a strong, confident guy who is attractive to other women...to now knowing that she could have you back with the click of her fingers.

 

IF you are going to stay in contact with her (obviously wait for her to initiate the next contact) then I suggest you may want to give this thread a read bro:

 

 

 

 

Good luck and stay strong.

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