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Support needed - 2.5 years and it's ending


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So here's my story. I've known my now ex-girlfriend for half of my life. I first met her over 10 years ago. I always liked her and attempted to pursue her back then, but she wasn't interested. Fast forward about 6-7 years, we both were finishing college, and she contacted me. We started getting together more and more, and found out that we both had feelings for each other. I had never felt this strongly about anyone in my life.

 

We were together almost 2.5 years. For the first year or so, everything was great - total bliss. We talked about getting married on a regular basis, we started looking at houses together, etc. I really felt a deep, honest connection with her.

 

A lot more details, but basically she told me a few days ago that she feels her relationship with me is more like a friendship than a romantic relationship. We've actually had some "bedroom issues" for a while, and she is unsure of her sexuality.

 

She told me she just wants to be single. There is no guy in the picture (we've come close to this in the past when there were). She told me she thinks our relationship is 85% of what she wants, but since it isn't 100%, she isn't happy.

 

Where we stand now, she wants to remain friends. She wants to be single and have the ability to go on dates and learn new things from new people. She "loves me," but in a caring sort of way, not in a romantic way. I still talk to her on a daily basis (and I'll be seeing her tomorrow morning) but it just isn't the same.

 

I know everyone will probably recommend NC. Any other thoughts? Any advice? I feel eaten up inside. My life went from a dream, thinking I had it all set, so this. Now I'm single again and feeling miserable.

 

Thanks in advance!

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Well friend, you know what we're going to tell you, but if you need some guidance or encouragement, here you go.

 

Best thing you could do at this point would be to have one last convo with her where you tell her you only want to work at a relationship and none of this friends stuff will do. And if she's not on board, then you go into NC. Make sure you carry the convo through to completion, till you don't have anything left to say. Then you'll have your answer, but one thing is for sure, being her friend will NOT bring her back to you.

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Welcome to ENA!

 

Hm. I feel sorry for you, this must be so depressing

Thinking you had it all set.. & now it's all gone suddenly..

 

I think.. you shouldn't go NC Forever, but you should definitely take some time without her in your life. It's hard, but it's going to be even harder when you have contact with her on a daily basis! She has to understand this if you want it like that. If you go NC, _stay_ in it for like a year or something!

 

Also, realise this is not going to take away the miserable feeling you have right now. It will only lessen it. It's so stupid to say this again, but: IT TAKES TIME. I do guarantee it's better in NC! You will heal up to a 1000% faster.

 

Take care & read on this forum, it will help you to put things into perspective a bit. BTW, you might consider reading this & this, a bit morbid maybe, but I think it will help you in some way..

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Hi

 

May be you should give her some space. Is she still very young in her 20s?

If so, she might not experience life yet. She would want to explore more in life.

What you could do is to let her experience life.

At the mean time, you could work on to improve yourself to a better person.

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We are both fairly young - 24. I think she does want to experience new things. She's a very "grass is greener" kind of person. One part of me wants her to stick around because I enjoy her company, but the other part of me wants to let go and work on my own life and hope she remembers me if things don't work out as she is expecting them to. I know everyone here recommends NC, but it's SO hard.

 

Any other thoughts?

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Hi notfun2beme,

 

From my experiences when someone I love starts telling me (and more importantly showing) signs of not being sure about the relationship, it has been time for me to move on. Sometimes in a long term relationship you start to wonder what else could happen if things were different. I personally don't have a problem with these thoughts as I have had them too in relationships. I wish my breakups could have all been amicable, short and to the point. Some have, but the worst ones have been from people who didn't seem to be sure if they wanted to make the full commitment of a break up. So I was left strung along. That hurts.

 

I think that you should go and experience life awhile without her in it. It will be hard, but you should give it your best shot. Do what she is doing. It's not about "getting back" or "revenge", it's about you and figuring out what works for you. You'll have a lot of fun! I have.

 

Good luck

bcuzitwasfun

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I agree... As much as I hate to say this...we've all been through worse here, and that sounds pretty amicable at least from my experiences. Hell, if half my relationships ended on a note like that, I'm sure I'd still be on civil speaking terms with them.

 

If it's what she needs to do, it's what she needs to do. And hopefully she comes back... she'll be 100%, which is what you want anyway, right?

 

All you can ask is that she is honest and sincere, and it sounds like she is doing that.

 

I would recommend against NC... only because that's really used as a defense mechanism to protect yourself. If she's being honest with you and you can handle it, nothing wrong with staying on civil terms.

 

Keep in mind the biggest reason why people don't stay friends is because the breakup is a huge blow to the ego. Why do you think people change so much after a breakup? After their ego is utterly destroyed, varying in degrees based upon the individual, they essentially have to recreate themselves. If it's nothing to be taken personally... then I would keep in touch.

 

There is a way to stay "friends" without going into the "friend zone." Keep it cool, keep it casual, and don't let her have the upper hand of the situation with you waiting hands and knees for her. Make sure she knows you will keep moving too... this way she doesn't take you for granted. Not that I know if she would or not, but it does tend to be human nature.

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I believe that going NC is civil. Its recognizing that you need time away to move on and heal. Both parties need this regardless if they know it or not.

 

Bottom line is that this is either going to hurt a LOT, or it is going to hurt a LOT LOT for a LONG LONG time depending on how you handle it.

 

It isn't fair to stay friends right now. It will confuse the heck out of you.

 

You have known this person for half of your life. Take whatever time you need to move on and know that someday you can try to have this person in your life if you want. Could be in 5 years, whatever it takes.

 

I honestly don't see how you can move on at any reasonable speed if you are talking on a daily basis. If this was working for you, you wouldn't be posting here.

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Try to keep yourself as busy as possible. Make yourself a schedule for the next two weeks... and do lots of fun stuff like sign up for a new class or go drinking with your friends. Don't allow yourself to dwell on your ex and then after those two weeks you hopefully will feel so much better and thinking about her will not hurt you too much xxx And from then on it only gets better ...

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This is all so confusing to me. I am still trying to decide what to do. I know if I went NC, it would hurt a ton right away, but I think healing would be easier down the road. And it would give her a chance to really miss me. If I stick around, we'll see each other, she'll get enough of me to tide her over, and there will be no chance of making it again in the future. We're going to a mutual friend's wedding in a week, and I need to decide if I completely break it off after that or not. I love all of the comments - please keep them coming!

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This is all so confusing to me. I am still trying to decide what to do. I know if I went NC, it would hurt a ton right away, but I think healing would be easier down the road. And it would give her a chance to really miss me. If I stick around, we'll see each other, she'll get enough of me to tide her over, and there will be no chance of making it again in the future.

 

I think you have chosen already what is best for you. It takes a lot of courage to go NC ... but I promise... it will make you feel a lot better, and then you can try to get her back with a more level headed approach.

 

Good luck

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A little update. My now ex-girlfriend has been talking to this guy regularly until 3-4am. She used to go to sleep at 11-12. I know within a week they'll "hook up." We're supposed to go to this mutual friend's wedding this weekend. I asked her if she had dinner plans tonight and she said "if you're asking me to go to dinner, I don't think it's a good idea." And I asked her if she's still going to the wedding and she said "yes, but i dont have to if you dont want me to"

 

Why would she be willing to go to the wedding, but not see me for dinner? She wanted to be friends, but not ever wanting to see me? I know NC is the best option at this point.

 

Any thoughts?

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How did you know she has been talking to this guy?

 

Well, hon, the wedding is for a MUTUAL friend, and there will be other people there she can be around with. Dinner with you is one-on-one time which obviously makes her uncomfortable, and to be honest it is rather relationshippy to do at this point.

 

Sometimes...often...when people say they want to be friends, they just mean "I don't want you to be angry with me so let's be friends, but I really am not committed to you anymore". And, they are right, as friends...it is okay to NOT report in, and to have other things to do. And being friends means...being fine with that.

 

Hang in there, and move on. Sometimes even if you can be friends down the road, right after the breakup it is not possible and you need time to heal first.

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I know she's been talking to him because she's online until 3-4am. Right when we were first going through the breakup, I'd be at her house and she'd be ignoring me because she was talking to him online. I know they go to motorcycle gatherings together (she tells me) and she doesn't get home until 2am. And I know she feels sexy around him (she told me)... and that it's only a matter of a short amount of time before things get sexual. I can't stick around for that.

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Look, you are killing yourself with this. Knowing this information will not help you in any way. TAKE HER OFF YOU IM LIST. You should not know when she is or is not online. You should not know what she is doing or be asking her to dinner. It is time for you to heal, and as you can probably guess, this is essentially impossible when you have this contact.

 

You are right that you can't stick around.

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A little update. After I went to the wedding with friends (didn't take her), she IMed me to ask how the wedding was, and I asked about her weekend. After talking for a while, here's what I learned.

 

She said this new guy makes her feel sexy. She didn't have a sex drive while we were together. She said she felt like we were friends that could be successful together, but that she wants to be young and have fun while she's young.

 

In the beginning of our relationship, she did have a sex drive. For about the first year. After that, it started going away, and we tried to work on it, but it just became more and more of an issue. I know deep in my heart that she will eventually have the same problem with this new guy, but for now, she has her sex drive back.

 

Any other thoughts?

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Oh yeah, this is very common. Basically you can tell how into you she was by how much she wanted to have sex with you. That's why at the beginning when things were new, she was emotionally excited. But as time went on, you two got into a routine and she wasn't provided with the emotional stimulation so she got bored.

 

You can't say the same thing will happen with the new guy because some guys know how to keep the emotional fire alive and the girl's sex drive won't die.

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Yea, I'm coming to realize that. However, she's always had issues with sex. She told me she never enjoyed sex, she'd ask her girlfriends about it and they'd tell her she just hadn't found the right person yet, but she insisted that she didn't like it. And she was a germaphobe, didn't like giving oral sex, didn't like doing anything anywhere other than a bed, etc. On top of that, she's questioned her sexuality for quite a long time, and has fantasies about girls (not necessarily about guys).

 

Now that this new guy is around, I can tell she's up for all kinds of stuff. I just know. How can a person cast away all of those qualities?

 

What really irritates me is - I tried my best to make her feel sexy. I would compliment her all of the time. I would make advances, but since she had no drive, she resisted. Once you start going down that path, I guess it's over.

 

Anyone else go through this, or have comments? This is really helping me!

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she'd ask her girlfriends about it and they'd tell her she just hadn't found the right person yet

This is actually a true statement. Put better, she hadn't met a guy who knew how to spark her interest and keep it.

 

What really irritates me is - I tried my best to make her feel sexy. I would compliment her all of the time. I would make advances, but since she had no drive, she resisted. Once you start going down that path, I guess it's over.

I wouldn't say doing this stuff doomed you, I don't think it had an effect either way. Maybe at first she would appreciate it, but as you fail her other tests these words would seem hollow.

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Update again:

 

It is very funny how the world works. I've been trying my hardest to land a particular full-time job over the last year (literally). I've had many interviews that didn't pan out, I've applied to countless positions, etc.

 

However, while I was with my ex-gf, I always felt hesitant to accept a job even if I got an offer. Why? Because I didn't feel secure enough in the relationship to do so. I was working from home, able to spend time with her and be with her all of the time. It was great.

 

Interestingly enough, now that we've gone our separate ways, I was offered a GREAT job that was exactly what I've been wanting. It'll be a nice change, I'll get to meet new people, and I'll have someone soon enough that deserves what I have to offer.

 

So... it's not all bad.

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