sent a letter! Aaggh!

[Nikki23]

Hey guys!! Been off and on here since me and my ex of 3 years broke up a couple of months ago. Been fine now and hardly been on this site but I needed help on my situation again!

 

I'll try and keep it brief. He broke up with me because he said I wasn't strong enough to do it (which is true) because we argued a lot and had got stuck in a rut. I didn't make any of the 'dumpee' mistakes, didn't act pathetic, didn't beg, just moved away to stay with family, got a new job as a n air stewardess and basically kept my chin up and got on with thngs (or at least that was the impression he got). Think he was probably a bit shocked by that cause the way I acted in the relationship near the end, he would've expected the worst.

 

So anyway, he kept calling a lot, ignored him, said I was moving on and only talked to him about the bills that we had to pay off together (we lived together for 2 years). Then we started having nice chats but I was still very much had my barrier up, understandably. So he ended up saying he wantede to talk and see if it would be possible to try again. I reacted very negatively to this, had a lot of anger from the breakup, suspected him of cheating etc (which he didn't) so I acted very neurotically accusing him of this (so stupid, thought I was 'safe' in getting all the reassurance that I needed). Well, OBVIOUSLY this pushed him away again and I got even worse because I didn't realise what had pushed him away and had it in my head he was playing control games and was this horrible person.

 

So now a month later, we have had some really nice chats and it's easygoing again. When I'm on the phone about bills and I make like I'm gonna go now, he tries to keep me on and things wanting to find out what I've been up to but he still has wariness a bit when he first comes on and then relaxes. So I don't know if this was a good idea, but I've sent him a letter not begging him back or anything but just letting know that I know what went wrong in our relationship, the mistakes we made etc. ( because I get flustered on the phone and what I really mean doesn't come out). So he would have received that yesterday morning. I'm getting panicky that I haven't heard anythng! My friend said that I should chill out and it'll take him a few days to digest the letter and thnk about what he wants! What do you guys think about all this, would really appreciate an outside perspective!!

[DN]

I agree with your friend. Wait and see even though that is hard to do.

 

But, if you don't hear within a few days, then call him. It is time that you guys had a calm, rational talk about whether you want this relationship to resume or not and if so, how to do that. You need to get on the same page one way or the other and you can only do that by communicating properly.

[Nikki23]

Thanks DN for the quick response!!

 

Yeah I definetely will wait and see.

 

The only thing I really fear is rejection and I worry that I am going to go through that again and set my self up for it. The gut feeling I have is that he is not going to want to resume anything but I suppose at least I'm prepared and not getting my hopes up too much! And when I think about it the stuff I wrote in the letter he would never have thought that I would think that way. Aah just wish you could switch a little button labelled 'emotions' off for a while...life would be so much simpler!! xxxx

[nikkers04]

I also agree. Just wait. When I think back to when my bf and I weren't speaking and he would call me up I would say things just off the top of my head which wasnt what a really meant or wanted...so in my opionion its a good thing that he hasn't called right away. Give him time to think of what he really wants...in the end it will be better for you both. Good luck!

[DN]

Unfortunately rejection is always a risk in a relationship when somebody makes a move - but if no one makes a move, nothing happens.

[Nikki23]

Hey guys, just on here for a bit more advice! Know none of you are mind readers but feel I'm getting a bit panicky and negative about the letter I sent!! Can't think of anything else!!

 

He would have got it Thursday and I've heard nothing at all! Really thought he would acknowledge receiving it, his work is mainly based around weekends but I have this horrible feeling that he's just going to leave it, no discussion about it at all!!

[DN]

Sometimes no message is all the message that you need. But wait a few days and see what happens. He may be composing a reply but isn't sure what to say. Remember it took you a while to go through the process from deciding to send it to actually sending it.

[Nikki23]

yes I have a feeling that the no reply is going to be what happens here! There's no point in phoning him in a few days is there? If he doesn't reply, it's probably better than hearing 'I've moved on now'

 

Thing is I know I spelt the street name wrong (ie instead of y) and I didn't put a postcode but I'm sure it must've got to him by now! getting desperate now me thinks!!

 

As well, we've got loads of bills to sort out so absolutely no contacts not an option. I need to let him know right now actually about a gas bill that he needs to pay, do you think I should just maybe send a text, not mentioning anything about the letter or phone him Monday and ask about the letter and what he thinks?! Sorry, know Im being neurotic, just very bored just now (not started my job yet in a new place) and overthinking!!

[Nikki23]

Ps. I know he would never write a letter, makes me giggle to even think it! Bit of a mans man! He would phone if anything!

 

Also forgot to add I'm going back to home city friday till Monday, he doesn't know! Should I tell him or not?!

[DN]

Try to separate out the relationship messages from the housekeeping messages.

 

I would send a message about the bill, keep it friendly but businesslike with no relationship talk. Tell him you hope this can be sorted before you go away.

[Nikki23]

Hi again people. I'm not sure what to do now. I had to text my ex about a bill, so kept it friendly, didn't mention the letter last night. He replied straight away and talked about the bill, then said:

 

'I got your letter, but I'm not sure why you sent it or what you were trying to say?'

 

I replied that I thought the letter was self explanatory, basically I wanted to get a few things off my chest and it was an inviation to at least talk about things. If you're seeing someone or you don't feel the same, that's cool, don't feel pressurised.

 

He hasn't replied, I wouldn't normally but I don't know whether to call him or something, just to get an answer or is he maybe just thinking and couldn't text back right away?!

 

Any help would be much appreciated!!!