feel a bit low

[lilac_indi]

hey guys

 

im feeling really down today. i feel like a huge disappointment to my parents. for 21 years of my life i have dedicated it to them. i have done what they have wanted and never went against them. i never got to do things that normal teenagers do like go out with friends on a daily basis or anything like that. if i did i had to literally beg them. it would be the "indian girls dont do that" or i get told that i am too westernised and that i should stop acting white.

 

i always have tried to please them in any way that i can but i feel like i have let them down. when i went against tradition and started to date my ex - that really put a huge distance between me and my parents. before then i never lied to them, never did anything that i thought would hurt them.

 

my sisters never did anything like that and i constantly have that thrown in my face. i am the disappointment. i am trying to build the bridges but i just hate myself for hurting them.

 

sorry i am just ranting now....](*,)

[nottoogreen]

I am very sorry girl, I have no better ideas than in the past.

 

You are an english girl with backward Indian parents, likely much more backward than many modern parents in big Indian or Asian cities.

 

You are torn between your "programmed" loyality old-Indian style and your "educatated" mentality of a modern woman. I know Asian and even middle eastern women who have more choice than you.

 

Torn means imbalanced means depressed. I think you read Wicked, you know how to get better?

 

As I mentioned before, You are 21, the acts of your parents constitute abuse and by your age are possibly (IMHO are) criminal. You may realize that I am not too fond of abusers, I was abused by my parents as a child and by my 2nd wife.

 

I thought frequently about your situation. I know you are stuck between a rock and a hard place, as you can't support yourself.

 

If you run away (or the authorities get you away), you'll end up in a shelter or worst case eventually dependent on some guy who uses and abuses you. So please, keep a cool head and conserve your strength for your day.

 

My suggestion is to keep your vision of your future and strength inside. Be quiet, avoid confrontation. You have the better mind. Outhink them and study and work towards your future.

 

Be positive about your future, your day will come!

[lilac_indi]

i am trying to be the best that i can for my parents. i am the youngest of 5 daughters - my sisters have been ideal daughters to my parents and i feel that by thinking for myself i am being selfish.

 

when i was secretly seeing my ex my parents...esp my mum when she found out just blew off the handle...i self harmed cause i felt guilty and felt i should be punished for it. i considered committing suicide twice due to my guilt but i couldnt bring myself to go through with it. just looking back at makes me shudder. i am slowly learning to get back to normal but i just have some really bad days.

 

i just become really down. i feel like i have to repay them for putting them through that. i dont want to disappoint them any more than i have already..if that means i have to do what i am against to make them happy then i can live with the fact that i am pleasing them. my mum says that if i please them then my life will be a happy one.

 

i am happy otherwise...my parents take good care of me. its just sometimes when this sort of thing happens it just brings me down really low - my mum doesnt know how strongly her words affect me she doesnt realise how much they hurt.

[nottoogreen]

I understand your conflict. You can't have it BOTH ways.

 

OK, your mom got you. You can be "their way" or "modern way". EITHER way and not both and not changing all the time.

 

Please resolve the conflict and do not harm yourself mentally or physically.

 

Also counseling/therapy may help you. Talk to your mom about your feelings, SI, suicidal ideas, explain you want to be "their way". I am sure she will be happy and help you!

 

Patience and persistence.

[lilac_indi]

yeah - thank you for your kind words. im not sure that will go down well with my mum to be honest and counselling/therapy is seen as a taboo thing. i got told i dont need counselling and if i tried to then i would be in trouble. to be honest i am feeling a bit better its just that i have some down days...

 

i am too afraid to talk to my mum cause she will get my sisters involved and it will be five of them at me - a headache i can do without lol.

 

i will just see how things are going for now - i just needed that out of my system.

[nottoogreen]

OK, better sleep on it. We'll be here for you.

[Beec]

You cannot live your life for them. They cannot live your life. Only you can live your life, and you need to live it so that you will be happy. Your parents should want you to be happy, more than anything else. But if they cannot see what will make you happy, then you still need to do it.

 

Someone posted the other day about how he had been married a few months, seemingly to please his family. But he does not want his wife. He is not attracted to her, but he is attracted to men. Now, he has hurt her too, and the longer it goes the more she hurts.

 

When you find someone, you want them to make you happy. You cannot marry someone because it makes your parents happy. You won;t suceed in life making them happy. And when they are gone, what will you live for?

 

Live your life for you.

[nottoogreen]

Well, I can give you objective advice any way you desire.

 

Note that the mental balance requirement does not change. You have to remove all unmet/unmeetable expectations and add expectations to suit your mom and work on meeting these. You have to accept what you do. You can learn from your sis about how to handle it me thinks.

 

Let's say you want to make mom happy.

• Give face
  
• Explain to mom that you will obey her
  
• Ask mom for forgiveness
  
• Only consider men intro by parents
  
• Be subordinated to the man
  
• No need for education
  
• Learn from sis
  
• ....
  

You need help, just ask.