My GF and I have split up but we both don't want to.

[Nick_t]

Hi, This is the first time I have been on this Forum and really need some advice from anyone, I really need it because I don't know which way to turn. It is long but please bear with me.

 

I have just broken up from my girlfriend of nearly two years, and we both don't want to. The story goes like this:

 

I am 23 and she is 20. I have been lucky enough to have travelled and had a few great experiences before I met her in her first year of University, and my last. During our time together I realised that she hasn't done any of the stuff I have done and always would be the first on the list to encourage her to go and do things, but she always would be put off because she would miss me too much. I have always wanted her to have her independance, and for me to have mine.

 

However 2 weeks ago my GF was off to Liverpool to work for 5 days. Before she went she use to be so dependant on me, was so loved up and we did everything a loved up couple do. Everyone use to state how good we were together. She said she was going to miss me before she went, and I replied even though I am going to miss her too, days apart will do the relationship a world of good, as we will look forward even more to seeing each other when she gets back. I told her she had to go, to have fun and see her when she gets back.

 

However when she got back she seemed different and told me she needed to go to her Mums as she needed time to think. She had such a good time in Liverpool, met loads of new friends and I think this made her think did she need a relationship anymore. Ofcourse this killed me and broke my heart. She stayed there for a week and although we spoke twice, I decided to give her space and din't contact her. We spoke a couple of times on MSN messenger and she said how she was confused, how she did miss me, loved me and how special I was to her. She said she didn't want to loose me but didn't know what she wanted.

 

I was devastated because my GF has had a hard life, and whenever she would be uset, down and cry I always use to be a rock for her and support her.

 

She came back on Wednesday and we arranged to talk after I had finished work. I went round, explained that she knew how I felt, what I wanted and that I wouldn't repeat it. I wanted her, and our relationship to be how it was. I asked her what she wanted and she said she didn't know.

 

I went on to explain what she was doing to me, but only so she knew how I was feeling. She started to cry and get really upset as the last thing she wanted to do was break my heart. I assured her I was not doing it to put pressure on her, and that I understood 100% that she needed an adventure. I explained how I always knew this day would come, but thought instaed of us totally breaking up we would talk about it and respect each others independance, but still be there for each other, love each other, do all things we did but not on such a regular basis.

 

She replied though that she needed to experience what it is like on her own without having that someone/BF to always report to. She needed to experience looking after herself and be more dependant herself rather than relying on me, her Mum, her Dad.

 

I understand and respect this don't get me wrong but it has happened so fast. 2 weeks ago she was so loved up, now I have no gf and I don't know what to do, and I want her back.

 

Yesterday we met for lunch for half an hour and we had a laugh and agreed we would do something in the evening. I had said to her that I didn't know if I could be friends and I needed to find out for myself if I could cope with it or not, she understood, especially as she doesn't want to loose me.

 

I went round after work and ended up bursting into tears and pouring my heart out, I was so sad and didn't want to loose her. I said how much I was going to miss her, all the little things of the relationship, and she said you don't know the half of it.

I said sorry to her as it wasn't fair but she was cuddling me and saying I had nothing to be sorry about. She said she was so sorry over and over again and she never meant to hurt me. We went upstairs and told me not to be upset because she had taken down all my photos because she was so upset everytime she saw me. We sat upstairs in her bedroom both crying and cuddling for ages and she poured her heart out again about everything in her life that has gone wrong. She said she needed to find out who she is on her own with no one else to help her.

 

I listened to her like I always did and told her that I 100% respect her, and that I will be one person in her life that doesn't abandon her, and that I will always be there to listen. We decided to go out for dinner as we both just needed to get out. She asked if it was a good idea, and that she doesn't want to hurt me anymore. I explained that if I was alone tonight I would only ponder and want to txt or phone her, and there is only one place I want to be and one person I want to be with. I said tomorrow is another day and I will cope with it when it comes.

 

So we went out, we had such a good time, we had dinner, rented out a dvd, never stopped chatting and laughing and did everything we did when we were going out. I could tell she was having a really good time, and we were like two best mates again. She turned round near the end of the evening and said that what we doing was perfect and it was exactly what she was after at the moment. She said that she is missing all the close and intimate stuff, and it was very hard for her too. She wanted all the stuff I wanted but she knows in her head its not what she needs now. She went on to say how I was he best friend and she will miss me so much, and will always be thinking of me.

 

Anyway at the end of the night I turned round to her before I left and said I couldn't do this, I can't be friends as I will always want more. I could tell this was hurting her as much as me and we both hugged for ages. I was uncontrollable when I got into my car and I drove home. When I got home I sent her a txt "Thanks for a great evening and for making me laugh. you are so special and i hope u get everything u wish 4. Good luck tomorrow, keep that card i made u safe as it will bring u safety and luck. i love u so much. sweet dreams xxx".

 

I wished her good luck as I encouraged her to see a counciler today to talk about all her problems she has difficulty dealing with. I made her a card before she went to her mums to help her flush all her bad worries away.

 

she txt back about 30 mins later "thank you too. I have the card safe i never really said tahnk you for it properly but i do love it, and thank you for being you and being there and understanding so well. you are amazing and deserve all good things that come your way. love you xxx"

 

Well thats where its been left, and now I am so sad, heartbroken and all I want is her back, and I know she doesn't want to split up either, but she thinks she has to so she can experience what it is like. I can't deal with no contact knowing she is only 5 minutes away, and how much we use to contact eachother! Plus she goes to University, and I work at the University, so we will be bumping into each other all the time, and she starts part time work on reception on Monday, where I work!

 

Thank you for reading this, and please can anyone advise me what to do next to get her back, as I'm sure she will realise she can be with me but have fun at the same time. The hardest thing about this split is that we both don't want it.

 

Please help, I feel so miserable because all I want to do is txt, call her etc like we use to do, but know i can't because it will increase the pain but also might scare her away even more.

[RayKay]

If both of you did not want the break up, believe me, it would not have happened. I think she is trying to convince herself or ease her own guilt by saying she does not "want to do it"....as she did.

 

Alright, it sounds like she is at this time in her life realizing she needs some independence. I personally don't think being an individual is at all exclusive to being single...in a relationship you both need to retain your individuality, passions, friends, goals, dreams....it sounds like while you encouraged her to do this, she was very young and dependent on you. However, she now realized she needs this growth for herself, to figure herself out, and what she wants.

 

If she truly was an "individual" and not "half a couple" she would know she does not "report to a boyfriend", rather as a couple you retain your own individual selves, and share a relationship together. You are partners together, no one "holds the power" over the other.

 

I would say that if 5 days apart would break you apart, there is more to it then her suddenly realizing she needs "to learn herself"...I would also suggest she may have met someone while there. Even if she did not "cheat" I think it kicked her into wanting to see what else is out there, to be honest. Or else she had some friends whom encouraged her to be on her own...

 

Anyway, I don't know whether she will be back or not, right now though I would go for the "not" and I would be very, very careful about letting her have her cake and eat it too. Do not become her "friend" right now. Make sure there is a clear seperation between you two to show her you are not going to just sit around waiting and let her do whatever she likes and then run back. This means...no texting, cards, emails, phone calls, hanging out, cuddling....all this will do is get you stuck into being her "friend" and showing her she can still have you hanging around. You need to move on for yourself. Do not entertain talking to her unless she says "I made a mistake and want to be with you...how can we rebuild our relationship"?

[Nick_t]

Hey, thank you very much for the reply. It means alot to hear someone elses view and opnion, plus thanks for taking the time to read the thread.

 

It makes alot of sense, and I realise I can't be her friend, and I can't be with her. That's the hardest part and its really getting me down.

 

All I want to do is be able to pick up the phone and chat like we use to. But I know I can't and need to be strong. She needs to find out for herself whats she wants, and she needs to know what she is loosing if anything was ever going to happen.

 

I have no motivation at the moment, but i've picked myself up before and i will again. It just takes time but at the moment i haven't got the patience.

 

But one door shuts another one opens, I just need to remember that.

 

Any more views, suggestions, advice will be very welcome. Thank you

[StephenP59]

Hey there

 

First off I'm sorry this has happened but you sound like a level headed guy and I'm sure you will be able to deal with this. I tend to agree with Raykay, you are both on separate paths at the moment maybe you'll meet up in the future who knows, but for now its important to not get wrapped up in whats best for her. She has chosen to do what is best for her and thereforeeee you must do the same that means NC, that means respecting yourself and working on hobbies sports etc. Its hard when the person you love is upset and feels truly awful about what they are doing to you, but it is their choice the most loving thing she can do is leave you alone and respect you as you are respecting her. Take care and you'll be fine.

[Iceman26]

She replied though that she needed to experience what it is like on her own without having that someone/BF to always report to.

 

Hey man, sorry for what you are going through. I know how it must hurt.

 

I agree with RayKay that if she wanted to be with you, she would be.

 

You can experience many things, separate and together, when you are in a relationship with someone.

 

However, one thing you can't experience in a serious relationship is dating other people, which I believe is what she is alluding to, given the statement I quoted above. People like to use pretty words to cover up what they are really trying to say, as they wish to avoid hurting feelings, their own guilt, and awkward situations.