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i've been having these feelings of wanting to get back with my ex again. I really do miss her but I am confused as to what I want. I feel very lonely which might be a good reason why I am feeling this way. I go back to work next week and I really hope I can stay busy enough to not feel this way. She wants to be friends but I definetly want more than that. I am thinking of giving her a sort of ultimatium and let her decided. I want to make clear to her that I still have these feelings for her and that if she wants me in her life she's going to have to accept it and continue a relationship or to just say our goodbyes and part our separate ways forever. I don't know if I am strong enough to make this sort of a ultamatium cause I really do want her in my life in some way.

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my wife is currently seeing another man...and this kills me.

 

she just wants to be separated etc, wants to be friends...

 

 

but dude...it can be that way. i can't have my wife the way i thought she was anymore...who she is now is not someone i think i should be with.

 

i understand you are in pain...but you have to give up any attempts at reconciliation. it will only cause you more pain and it is anti-growth.

 

you need to get better first. you need to not need her...then...mabey...if you both come back to this fresh and clean from eachother...then mabey you can try again....but you or she may not want to at that point...and if that is the case then it is probably for the better.

 

trust me...you need to end communication with her, as much as you can, and struggle to get through each day for now. but rest assured...each day will get a little better...slowly for sure, but it will happen.

 

focus on getting better. you owe it to yourself.

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Don't give her an ultimatum. It will not give you brownie points in her books if your force her into making a decision she may later regret. Your best approach is to give her space and let her come back to you. NC is the best way to do this. A wise person once told me that your SO cannot miss you if you never go away. My BF and I broke up in March and I was devastated. We had been lving with each other for the last year and a hlaf or so, and my whole life was thrown into turmoil. So I went into NC IMMEDIATELY. Two weeks later he wanted me back and we have been back together ever since and are moving onwards and upwards (hopefully) I am not telling you this to make you feel worse, but to give an example of how even the most grave situations can sometimes turn out for the better, but only if you take positive steps toward your goal. Which at this stage should be getting yourself into a happier place WITHOUT your ex. In order to love, you must first love yourself. and be comfortable in your own company. Not saying you should give up on her if she is what you really want, but you have to think of her feelings in all of this too. Isn't the what people who love each other do? Think of the other persons feelings? Feel free to PM me if you want to talk further...

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Well thank you for your advice i will certainly consider it. It's kinda weird though my ex's mom is from new zealend and my ex has been taking about moving there for a yr or so. She's my first gf and I think that's what's doing it for me. We've been broken up for almost 5 weeks now and I went with NC and she did call me about 6 or 7 times in these 5 weeks not because she wants me back but to talk so that we don't lose touch. I apprciate her wanting to be friends and making an effort but I really do miss he a lot and I am actually having dinner with her in 30 mins. I want to see if I can handle having a friendship with her first because I believe a good realtionship should be based on a good friendship so if I have any hope being with her I need to first work on rekindling a friendship.

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Do NC for now. You need to accept that she already decided. I think giving her an ultimatum will just make you feel worse...she's already decided so you're probably not going to get a favorable response. Instead, give yourself your best option here: do NC and try to move on.

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Well I just got back from dinner with her. I was afraid we wer'nt going to be able to talk and that it would be akward but the funny part was we were both talking and joking around like we used when we were going out. It was great to be able to blunt with her about a few things. I used to walk on egg shells when it came to sensitive subjects but tonight I said what I felt and I think she was a little taken by it and surprised. Honestly I had a good time.

 

I remember the first time we talked after we broke up I asked her to read this book for me about Nice guys and why they get taken advantage of and when I brought up the idea she really did'nt want to and today we went to barnes and nobles after dinner and she asked me what the book was and was gonna buy it which was kinda of nice. There were many times I bit my tongue and did'nt say what I was feeling like I used to about missing her and how I had fun. I made it a point not to tell her I missed her, that I had fun hanging out with her and talking to her and that we should do it again. When we went out that's all I used to say to her to assure her and i guess myself that we were havng fun and that this should last but I battled myself not to say stuff like that tonight which I think was a good decision.

 

The best part of the night was when I was driving her home and my neck was really stiff so I cracked it and she commemnted with the word "gross!" and I responded with "umm Whatever!" and she stared me down like she coudl'nt believe I just said something back to her. When we went out I would make an effort to please her in everyway and I think when she heard me respond with "umm Whatever!" to something she did'nt like she was surprised.

 

But all in all I still do like her but I was ok with hanging out with her tonight. I told myself if I do want her back I might as well build a good friendship and then see what happeneds. And I also realized that I've some what moved on as I am thinking about asking other people out and I figured if I was really that attached to my ex, being the person I am, I would be beating myself up for being interested in another person which I m not doing now.

 

Also, when I dropped her off it did get a little awkward. My usual comments were this was fun and going in for a hug or a kiss. Since I decided not to give her validation that I missed he I did'nt say that and there was a sort of silence and since I did'nt hug or kiss her there was an even longer silence and she looked for her house keys which she's never done before in my car, and I felt like she was waiting for me to hug her but I did'nt, she got out and said thanx for driving and that's it.

 

Any suggestions or comments would be much appreciated.

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So i've been broken up with my ex for almost 5 weeks now. I went with NC and in the 5 weeks she's been the one calling me and asking to be friends and all that good stuff. In the last few weeks we've been talking a little bit more and last night I went to dinner with her which I was ok with. But lately in the last week I keep having these dreams about her like were going out and I notice that I am not able to accept that we're broken up in my dreams. When I am awake I see that we're broken up and done with and that I should'nt be pursuing her but i just feel like that's all ive been dreaming about lately about going after her. I've been dreaming about situations where I talk to her and try and get her back. I am a bit freaked out. I don't want to be dreaming about that!

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Hey Pro; you can't really do much about what you dream, much like you can't really do much about what you feel.

You can, however, control how you react to such things. I used to have a lot of dreams about my ex when we first broke up, and if I didn't make the decision to leave the bad feelings behind when I started my day, I'd be miserable.

With NC/LC, with each passing day you have a chance to get stronger, and to concentrate on yourself.

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