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Sinead
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Okay im nearly a month with the whole NC with my ex tho I did send one little text last Sunday night that basically thanked him for the times and that i wished him well. He texted me back next day and thanked me for my text and wished me well too.

 

But leading onto the Question: is he is NCing me too? He probably wasnt thinking "well im going to NC her now" - i know him. He's probably never even heard of NC. its just a natural thing for him to do. I am NCing him to try and heal and move on but also to make him realise how much i meant to him and to try and make him find his heart back to me. But it feels weird that we are totally ignoring each other, its so not like us.

 

If this NC thing keeps going on, how do i know if he gives up on me totally and we will never talk to each other again in our lives. I mean not even a simply 'hi how are things going?' text has come my way. So after 4 yrs we just stop, ignore each other and then we're strangers like we had never met. I hate the thought of that

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Ah yeah that makes sense - painfully though. now and then im just saying to myself that he just doesnt want me at all, he doesnt want anything to do with me. I just cannot understand why he cant at least say 'hi how is everything going for you?' such a pity cos i do have loads of general news. I mean he's in contact with his other ex - he was going out with her for 3 months before he met me. And she treated him quite badly. But okay she is usually the first the text him - im not 100% sure though...

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He doesn't ask how you are doing because he doesn't care. I know it hurts, but if YOU keep him in your life by always being the initiator then you will ALWAYS be hurting. Right now you wonder why he can't just call and say "hi!" If you keep him in your life while he'd just as well not be in it, then soon you will be asking questions on here like "I don't understand why he took HER to those places he didn't take me" and "I don't understand how he can love her in half the time we dated"

 

Do you want to maintain a relationship with him that is so destructive?

 

Keep two things in mind: First, you are NO MORE likely to make him WANT to spend time with you (or get back together) by initiating contact. Not one bit. In fact, every time you contact him it makes him LESS likely to want to contact you. And secondly, NC is GREAT for determining exactly how much time he wants to spend with you on his own. If you skew that by calling him much of the time, you don't get any real picture of how often HE thinks about you enough to initiate contact, right?

 

I'm in a state of NC/LC with my ex. I vow not to contact him, just respond to contact he initiates (and even then, not right away and not all the time). So far, he's neglected to call me last night as he said he would, to firm up plans for tomorrow night... The "old" me would have called him and asked whether we're still on for Tomorrow. What would that have accomplished? He'd probably say yes, and we'd go see a movie. I'd have fun, and think about how great it was that he wanted to see me... But did he REALLY? By sticking to NC (as hard as it is) I am going to effectively determine if he has any interest at all in pursuing a relationship/friendship of ANY kind.

 

It's simple, really... If he doesn't call, he doesn't want to talk to you. But on the PLUS side, every time you're out with him or talk to him you KNOW it was his choosing and HE WANTED TO BE THERE! Again, if he doesn't want to see or talk to you, are you really losing much by not contacting him?

 

Be strong!

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Sinead its a really tough thing to do NC and the fact you've gone a month is great. You see the thing is for him i'm sure sadly hes somewhat enjoying this new found freedom. What needs to happen is one night he just hits a wall, he remembers how good things were with you, he get lonely and he feels like he has made a mistake.

 

Going through NC is hard, but NC is mostly for you to regain your life and get a new perspective on things without focusing on your ex, because everytime you are going to talk to him it will just be a let down because your not back together and things arent moving in the right direction.

 

I'm sure the reason he isnt contacting you is because he hurt you with the breakup and doesnt know how to go about things from here. He doesnt want to hurt you even more, and im sure thats a big part of him keeping the distance right now.

 

Just keep strong and remember that NC is for you mostly, if it gets the ex back then its just a lovely bonus. Its unfourtanate but right now its all you can do.

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im going through the same thing now with my ex, neither of us text or ask how eachother is doing since we broke up. i do have the same fears as you...will he forget about me, etc.....

 

i can see three reasons why the ex wont contact you

1. he feels afraid to talk to you again. afraid that feelings will either be rekindled or he could be scared about in placing you in his life again as an acquaintence after being in a relationship

2. he is trying to get over you as much as you are trying to move on with him

3. he might be trying to 'forget' you so he doenst have to deal with his emotions

 

either way, it sounds like your doing a great job healing, keep up the good work! and i agree with Jayar....have you really lost anything by NC?

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Im printing out the No Contact Guide right now and im going to read it around 4 times a day. i lost my temper last night and got the teddy my ex gave me for Valentines day bout 2 yrs back. I literally ripped the heart that was sowed to it and threw it over the balcony into the living area. flippin mad i am!

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In fairness now if he doesnt bother to pick up the phone that I BOUGHT HIM (the idiot that I am) soon and send one text then fine he doesnt care about me. and if he doesnt he's an arrogant self-centred bastard. But dont worry i am going through the sadness/anger emotions and i will say something there is no way in this world im going to contact him. Besides my best mate will hang me for it.

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In fairness now if he doesnt bother to pick up the phone that I BOUGHT HIM (the idiot that I am) soon and send one text then fine he doesnt care about me. and if he doesnt he's an arrogant self-centred bastard. But dont worry i am going through the sadness/anger emotions and i will say something there is no way in this world im going to contact him. Besides my best mate will hang me for it.

 

Sweetie, these are your emotions talking right now. If there is one piece of advice i cannot overstate, do not do or say anything while your emotions have control over you at the moment. TRUST ME on this key point!

 

You are going to experience many feelings and project many possible scenarios that are based on, well, just you guessing. Read the guide. Your ex doesn't "not care" but his feelings are probably going in different directions at the moment, too. Let time and the Universe do it's work, 'cause if you try to step in and alter the course of things, it's going to backfire somehow and you'll regret it.

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Oh acceptance where are you?

 

It's out there somewhere. And believe it or not, so are a lot of other feelings I bet you haven't experienced in a while. Security. Faith in yourself. Curiosity about trying new things. Happy surprise at discovering things about yourself you really like.

 

Give it some time. All this stuff may seem like it will take a while to rediscover. But it won't be as long as you think, if you just keep your eyes on the road ahead.

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well im going out for a few drinks after work - one hour and a half to go and im going to flirt all i want - something I havent done in nearly four years because i respect and was 101% faithful to C.I guess now that im single its time for me to hang out with a few of the fishes.

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Uh oh. You've got the right idea, but don't use the wrong tool: alcohol. I don't think you're in a place right now where you could control yourself from calling or texting the ex with even more than one drink in you.

 

And even if by some lucky chance you don't do that, the hangover the next day will leave you horribly depressed.

 

Once again: I speak from all too personal experience on this. You'll essentially be trading in an hour or two of alcohol-fueled euphoria for days, even weeks of a terrible setback.

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I am puzzled. You dumped him and now you want him to contact you? BUT, If he wants you back, he's probably thinking "well if I call her it will just push her away more." He probably has no idea what you're thinking. After a person gets dumped, they need to do NC for themselves, to heal. He is doing the right thing by not contacting you. If you want him back, call him and tell him so or send him an email or use smoke signals...I don't see how NC should be used by the dumper when they want the dumpee back...that makes no sense to me. Am I missing something? Please correct me if I am, I don't think I have read all of your posts, although I have seen some. I'm just trying to help out, but I'm confused as to why you're doing NC given that you did the breaking up and you want him back.

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