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when issues are too much for love


abbett
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i've posted several times the past week. but i'm in a real funk and i need some insight.

 

my gf of 6 months and i have had a very rocky 6 months - but also very blissful.

 

we've had this intense connection from the beginning. in sync. both emotional. both loving each other very much and wanting to be with each other very much. when we've had a struggle, we've worked and worked through it. we've both made changes in ourselves that will serve ourselves and each other better.

 

what do you do when you love each other so much, when there is so much potential there, when there is so much value there - but there are issues that continually sabotage the relationship - outside issues?

 

her past rears its ugly head with us often........and her present situation.

 

she had an emotionally abusive mother, physically abusive stepfather, her stepbrother raped her several times when she was 14 and her mother did not believe her - she ended up having to get an abortion because of it that they blamed on a bf she was dating at the time. she is scarred emotionally and has trust issues and a few intimacy issues........she's not worked the whole time i've known her altho she was in a job training program and is seeking employment now. she's gotten into therapy and on medications. but she's having to live with her mother again - which isn't a good thing since her mother is the biggest reason for my ex's issues..........and her mother tries to keep us from seeing each other (i'm 34 and she is 28).

 

i live in a city 2 hours away from her. we've had a long distance thing for 6 months and for the first 4.5 we saw each other every weekend and many long weekends. for the past 1.5 months, we've gone to every other weekend because of gas prices, etc.......and wear and tear on our cars.

 

her place in life right now and her issues seem to keep sabotaging us. we will have a fight and almost break up and then we'll come back together.......but then the cycle starts all over again.

 

i love her and miss her so much and i want to be with her but we both know we'd have too many struggles again.

 

i've tried to pretend that she's not communicating iwth me because she's not interested or is through with me........but at those rare times when i do catch her online........she's very deep and says that she's confused and that when she has thought things are working that i say they aren't.......and that she now feels we cannot work as long as she is where she is emotionally and mentally. but at the same times, she will send me an email that says her life is a wreck and that she cannot function.

 

she's not reaching out to me that much.......so i've tried telling myself that she does not want to talk to me becuase she no longer loves me but i think it's because she's so hurt and doesn't know what to do or say.

 

we are broken up........but i don't want to be here and i know she doesn't either. i don't want to lose her.

 

i've been in 4 or 5 relationships and my last one was for 6 years.........what we had between us is the best i've ever had. i'm afraid to walk away.

 

what can i do? i am hurting all the time and going crazy.

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Man, do I relate to your situation. I truly feel your pain.

 

When serious issues are involved, all the love in the world can't fix the relationship unless both parties are committed to fixing those issues. That's the sad, simple truth. Perhaps No Contact for a long period of time will give her the space she needs to work through her stuff. It seems you certainly need it yourself at this point to do a little healing and regain a more objective perspective on the whole situation. Because you're too close to it right now to think clearly.

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You hurting all the time is about how you feel, and if you work only off of that, then that's not you loving her. Loving someone is about how you treat them, and that means working for their best interest. Often you can love someone and do things, rightly, when you know that is not what they want, esp. if it is good for them long term.

 

OK, her big issues are somethings she needs to deal with. You cannot do it for her.

 

She may, and probably does, feel like she is not someone worth loving. If you want her to feel like she should, and that's what she needs to heal herself from her past, then help her work towards that now.

 

You wanting to see her, be with her, be in a relationship with her, is about what you want, not what she feels, wants or needs. Work on what she wants and needs, and help her make it happen, and stop asking for what you want from her. Let her decide, and start also considering that it may take too long for her to get there for you.

 

If you help her heal without asking for much from her, just giving to and loving her, she is never going to go anywhere else for love. She's just not going to do it. You are going to be the one she will want and be connected to, so long as you keep treating her as she needs to be treated. But you need to let her be, in a lot of ways, and help her do what she needs to do, and otherwise live your life. If she comes around great.

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thanks, scout.......

 

can anyone think why she's not communicating? she's never heard of no contact so she knows nothing about that. i had loaned her a cell phone so we could always keep in contact. she sent it back out of anger the other day, so i cannot contact her that way. since she lives with her mother and her mother wants to come between us, i feel i cannot call her there. so the only way i have to communicate with her is by email or IM. but she's not ever on the computer anymore. this girl has always liked being on the computer - searching stuff, reading the news, checking her email, etc........she's hardly ever on now - and instead of coming on a few times a day - she's only coming on once very briefly.......what could she possibly be feeling? she won't tell me how she is feeling. why is she not communicating with me or anyone else? i miss her.

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so, beec, i got a lot of what you were saying......but some things got lost in the type.......

 

i appreciate all you said.

 

i know she loves me and wants me and misses me........but she's also not reaching out for it very much. it could be her own self-worth issues coming into play.......she already feels like a worthless human being and i can imagine since she's admitted her issues are what's keeping us apart.......she probably feels more down on herself.

 

i've tried to be loving and supportive and open to what she has to say. but she does not what to talk. but i have a lot to say. so i've been talking with her when she is online and sending maybe an email here and there.

 

if i could try to understand her motivation for not seeking me out to talk, i might could adjust myself easier.

 

i've thought before of how our relationship might be interferring in her individual progress. i've questioned her on it - and she has said no - that it helps her. she told me she got into therapy and meds in order to give our relationship a chance - she wanted to keep me in her life and knew that's what she needed to do to improve herself.

 

if she's not reaching out to me, should i just stop reaching out to her?

 

i love her and just want her to know i love her - even if i don't contact her.

 

would she contact me if she wanted to? is that what i should be realizing?

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I would stop trying to look for her on line, etc. and only contact her once in a while, like once a week, to see how she is doing and ask if she is ok or needs anything, then get off the phone. And if she wants to talk about her, I would seek to find out how I could and to help her. Nothing more. But I would also be out looking for another, just dating maybe, nothing major. And she could know about it or know that I was not telling ehr something.

 

That's it. Everything else is about how you feel. Stop working from how you feel, because that is not going to bring her to you.

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I would stop trying to look for her on line, etc. and only contact her once in a while, like once a week, to see how she is doing and ask if she is ok or needs anything, then get off the phone.

 

i want to do what's best. can you elaborate?

 

That's it. Everything else is about how you feel. Stop working from how you feel, because that is not going to bring her to you.

 

im also very interested in this. can you elaborate on this working from how i feel?

 

i'm trying to do what's best for myself but it's hard because i'm stuck in it.

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i know she loves me and wants me and misses me........but she's also not reaching out for it very much. it could be her own self-worth issues coming into play.......she already feels like a worthless human being and i can imagine since she's admitted her issues are what's keeping us apart.......she probably feels more down on herself.

 

See first of all, that you want her to reach for your help. This is soemthing you want, not what she wants. She may need help, but reaching for it, that's not what she wants to do. It's a problem for you, right now, not here.

 

i've tried to be loving and supportive and open to what she has to say. but she does not what to talk. but i have a lot to say. so i've been talking with her when she is online and sending maybe an email here and there.

 

She does not want to talk. You said it. Bang there it is, but you are still trying to talk to her. Once again, because you want to talk, and that comes from your feelings.

 

if i could try to understand her motivation for not seeking me out to talk, i might could adjust myself easier.

 

Understood, but knowing why someone wants something is hard to figure out and most often they may not even know. She wants what she wants, let her have it. Fighting her is not productive, and it is about what you want. Even your wanting to know is about what you want.

 

i've thought before of how our relationship might be interferring in her individual progress. i've questioned her on it - and she has said no - that it helps her. she told me she got into therapy and meds in order to give our relationship a chance - she wanted to keep me in her life and knew that's what she needed to do to improve herself.

 

Look, she could want a number of things. But you forcing her talk is not it. You being there upon occasion to check on her and talk, if she wants, that's good.

 

would she contact me if she wanted to? is that what i should be realizing?

 

When she is ready to talk, she will.

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yeah, that's what i've got to realize. it's just that when she sent me a couple one-liners last night i thought she wanted to. then she said that since i wanted her to keep talking to me that's why she was telling me those things. but i also know that if she really didn't want to talk to me it wouldn't matter what i wanted. she said she is very overwhelmed. and i know since she's not getting online at all, it must be a big reason. anyway, i am trying my best.

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ok.....

 

so i emailed her a few times yesterday before i finally listened to beec and stopped! so, after 10am yesterday, she got nothing from me.

 

yesterday afternoon, late, i had an email from her saying, "i don't want to be with anyone else for anything if i can't be with you".

 

usually, i would have responded, but i decided not to. after all, i could not have been online for all she knew.

 

2 hours later, she finally sent me these dig pics online i had asked her about days ago. i might be reading things into it but i thought it might be another reason to contact me since i had not responded to her email yesterday.

 

i had the feeling that when i came into work this morning i might have something from her - since i did not respond to either of her emails last night.

 

and she said, "i can't stand being without you, but i don't want us to fall right back into the way things were".

 

i only responded with "are you there?"

 

i didn't get a response, so that's how i've left it. if she wants to talk to me, she's going to have to make that effort on a larger scale.

 

the way things were, is her issues coming up and me having a hard time with them. i don't know how things won't be the same as long as she is struggling with her issues........because i'm naturally going to be hurt by them from time to time - even though i am really trying to be patient and understand.

 

but i'm happy today because at least, she is the one who reached out today and i know that she misses me and seems to have some hope left that we can get back together........and that she just isn't wanting to call it over.

 

i think we are both in a time where we need space and need to think and figure things out and figure out what our next move will be. we do have such love there........it's just her issues.......they are large and will take a long time to overcome........i know she tries.......that's what's sad.

 

what do you guys think of the development and how i am handling it?

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OK, in this case, she has made some big declarations. Think about when one person says "I love you" and does not hear it back. It's out there. And it changes things.

 

I would recommend one thing: let her know her feelings are the same as yours, but also let her know that we have some work to do and think about setting some ground rules, what you need to change and work on, how to get there, etc. Take f-ing charge. Make her work on her issues, the effort you see will make much difference.

 

And with her issues, learn how to handle them better. I don't know, but I'd bet that there is a lot of passive aggressive behavior that she displays, lots of women do, many men do. When you see her isseus come out, call her on it. Tell her not to take that crap out on you. Work on her stuff, let her know you won't take crap without calling her on it, and help her work on her issues.

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i feel confused again.

 

when i got back from lunch she responded and said, "i am here now". then she said "but you aren't". then she said, "i've been wrong before, but we aren't meeting at 6 tonight, right?"

 

i was like, what???? we had talked of meeting tonight at 6 to exchange our belongings.......we had already called it off until she get some money together she owes me for a trip we took.......but for her to even think we'd be meeting anyway confuses me! we'd be meeting to return things - because things are over! if she's sending me declarations about she doesn't want to be with anyone else and that she can't stand being without me, * * *???

 

 

 

so i responded that some of her messages sounded like it was over and some sounded like she wanted to still be in a relationship and so i asked her what she wanted. i can't deal with this back and forth!

 

what do you think?

 

i like your idea about calling her on things. usually, i just frown and get sad. she knows she's taken an issue out on me but she does not try to undo the damage or stop it in the future. you are right, if we get back together, i'm going to tell her that i don't deserve that.

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She's not going to stop being passive aggressive in a day. It will take time. Learned behaviors don't change overnight. You will need to point it out at times, just tell her calmly not to do that, and at times, you will lose your temper with it. But passive behavior is hostile, don't just take it. Just don't let one fight take over the relationship.

 

You need to be resolved. Not flip-flopping over her confusion. And you need to encourage her to be the same way. Your behavior will flip-flop as you get there, you wille ach test each other's resolve by doing this too. Women and men test each others' boudaries all the time. Know what each of you wants their's to be and stick to them consistently. What do you want, what does she want, and how do you get there. Talk about these things, get some resolve, stick to it, force each other to stick to it. But you should know, you need to be the man, the stick to it man, more than she will be able to, because she is damaged goods. It might be through no fault of her own, but she is damaged. Much of what she does is to test your love, she wants to wear on your emotions to test you. No crap from her should be allowed, but it will take time to get there.

 

Be resolved.

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thanks for the feedback. i know. i have to stick to it. i guess i have been testing her as well. when i feel i can't take it anymore, i talk about maybe breaking up........and i don't really mean it.........i guess it's my way of thinking she will shift into a quicker changing gear. at the time i think i mean it, but then i realize i don't.

 

but, instead, she takes it as me giving up and, this past time.......she is almost forcing me to live with it.

 

we just im'd online (as i said because she has no phone right now) and some of the things she said were:

 

"i said i want to be with you. if you'll be with me after i'm "better" then im interested in that."

 

i said:

 

"there's been no clearcut definition of what's going on here with us."

 

she said:

 

"the clear cut is we arent together. we want to be. but we cant be right now. YOU gave up! im just going along with it! and im not flopping back and forth on it!..cause i cant handle that stuff anymore."

 

"so...when i change...and you still want me i'll hunt you down"

 

"i cant handle the back and forth. i cant handle not being how you want me. i cant handle when you get mad or hurt you treating me like sh**"

 

"im all trying to be different for your * * * and its never going to be enough"

 

"yes and you have to put your supposed understanding for my various situations in action..dont just say you understand my problems and obligations...but show that you do too! you get so pissed at me for things dispite your understanding of their roots and it makes things so f****ed up between us"

 

so, what do you think?

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I think she is very self aware, first of all. She sees some things going on and knows they are and need to change. I think you should see that you have some changes to make too.

 

OK, first of all, when things go awry in relationships, they way they work out best is when we back up. We back up a number of steps, and get the steps right that we got wrong before, and you need to back up further than the point at which you screwed up. So, don't push for the relationship, but think about dating her.

 

thanks for the feedback. i know. i have to stick to it. i guess i have been testing her as well. when i feel i can't take it anymore, i talk about maybe breaking up........and i don't really mean it.........i guess it's my way of thinking she will shift into a quicker changing gear. at the time i think i mean it, but then i realize i don't.

 

"Cliches, good ways, mean what you say, say what you mean."

 

this need not mean you say everything you feel or on your mind, but if you say it, mean it.

 

Also note this is passive aggresive on your part. Instead of saying, he cut the crap, you are backing away in hopes she will chase after you. Passive aggressive. (I've seen it all my life, in my own family and from women with whom I've had relationships.) Now, I don't mean to pick, but mot of the time I find passive aggressive behavior comes out when people are not secure enough to say it directly. This is what you need to learn to do.

 

The right way to do it? Be TV Dad, esp. one from like the 1960s. I use the term TV to refer to the characters one used to see on TV. The Beaver's father did not yell, but he was no push over. Howard Cunningham in Happy Days did not usually yell at Joanie or Richie. Mike Brady did not need to yell, a look and a calm lecturing said what he needed to say. Jim Anderson in Father Knows Best, did not need to yell. But even when one of these characters yelled, they yelled at someone to cut the crap. Be TV Dad, calm most of the time, always direct. I try to do this, I don't do it all the time (I yelled like a madman this week), but you need to try it too.

 

Passive aggression can accompany the directness, but only after the problem is out. Like after telling her to cut it out, you can not want tolet her kiss you.

 

but, instead, she takes it as me giving up and, this past time.......she is almost forcing me to live with it.

 

Yes, she tests you to see if you will run away and leave her, because she hardly trusts anyone. And when you run, you increase her insecurities. Sooner or later, you get into a downward spiral that either sinks the relationship or that you stop soon enough. It's time to stop it, and then retrace some steps, back to just dating maybe.

 

she said:

 

"i said i want to be with you. if you'll be with me after i'm "better" then im interested in that."

 

i said:

 

"there's been no clearcut definition of what's going on here with us."

 

One stop asking for a defined role. Somethings need not be said. She wants you, a huge declaration, enjoy that for what it is. You want her, she knows it. What else do you need defined? Why?

 

But she also will not be better quickly, possibly not ever entirely. But you both need to be better and you should tell her this, admit what you do and that it is not the right way to deal with her. Tell her what you would like to do instead; be more direct. And you need to step back, see less of each other, and learn new ways to deal with each other, gradually. You won't get here tomorrow. You need to do a little and build on it.

 

she said:

 

"the clear cut is we arent together. we want to be. but we cant be right now. YOU gave up! im just going along with it! and im not flopping back and forth on it!..cause i cant handle that stuff anymore."

 

She cannot handle it, because you both do similar passive aggressive things. You both need to change, already said above.

 

"so...when i change...and you still want me i'll hunt you down"

 

Why not suggest you work on it a little at a time, no committments other than that, OK?

 

"i cant handle the back and forth. i cant handle not being how you want me. i cant handle when you get mad or hurt you treating me like sh**"

 

Look, she is a woman. She will always be apssive aggressive, shje just needs to be less of it. And you need to deal with it better when she is. Also, she needs to hear a message soon, not now, that she is the one you want, however she is. She loves you, she'll work on things to make them better. But you need to soon let her know, you accept her warts and all.

 

"im all trying to be different for your * * * and its never going to be enough"

 

She thinks or has an idea you won't ever accept her as she is. Please see the above. Also, note that this is the story of her life.

 

"yes and you have to put your supposed understanding for my various situations in action..dont just say you understand my problems and obligations...but show that you do too! you get so pissed at me for things dispite your understanding of their roots and it makes things so f****ed up between us"

 

I think you are gaining an understadning. You knew about the issues and loved her anyway, but you need to learn how to deal with them and help her stop the beaviors, and she wants to do so too.

 

Questions?

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hey, beec.....

 

thanks for the great responses to this on friday. great, eye-opening information.

 

we argued some more on friday afternoon and then she disappeared from contact. so i emailed her on saturday and just lightly said what i'd been doing that day and mentioning nothing of all this mess we've been in. she responded that she loved me and what if i still was not happy with her, etc., as time went on.

 

she wanted to see me on sunday. so we met halfway in a parking lot and chatted. nothing too major.

 

it was strange that, for once, i didn't need a definition of us and she really didn't either. after an hour of small talk, we parted ways. i gave the cell phone back to her i'd been letting her use that she insisted on returning to me earlier in the week and asked her to keep it unless i asked for it back. now i can call her, she can call me - we have more freedom there now. i had the text turned off, so we can't text - and that's actually nice because it keeps our communication down some.

 

she called several times yesterday and was nice. she called once this morning and i've not heard back from her since. i've tried calling her to no avail. i'm irritated that i have no idea what's going on. i find it disrespectful to some degree.

 

anyway, i realized yesterday that i have let go. i've let go of some of the control i thought i had to have to make sure she was looking for a job, going to therapy, taking her antidepressant, blah, blah. i'm sick of checking on this or that or helping with this or that. i thought i had to before. but it wore me out. so i told her yesterday that i wasn't so concerned with those things anymore. that i was only interested in the here and now. because i can't control the future - especially hers. she seemed to not like that i said that - she said it sounded pointless. but anyway, i feel better and freer.

 

and i realized that either i'm going to realize this is not what i want or she's going to be propelled to take care of her own life and issues once i step back and stop helping her all the time.

 

anyway, i don't understand the lack of contact today - but i guess i'll find out in time. i'm trying not to worry about it. altho it does make me feel anxious. i hate that feeling.

 

what do you think

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You're welcome. I do this because I like to do it, and I really like it when people succeed, and I helped. You need to do it, because I cannot. Most people who really get in the tail spin need to become more self-aware and secure, and then try and do what is goood for both them and the ones they love. But when you get in that downward spiral sometimes it is tough to get out of it.

 

I have a good friend who I got out of it for a short while. He does not get enough sex from his wife. When he married her, he thought he had prepaid for years of future sex. When he asked for it, without outting in some work to get it, she said no. He asked more and demanded, and her "NO"s became more adamant. I got him to just be nice to her and not ask for anything, and suddenly she was asking for it and getting on top. That was a few months ago, now things are back to crappy.

 

Learn and learn how to get out of your spirals before they get out of hand. And when they do, you really need to get out of it, before all heck breaks loose.

 

 

 

Why? Does she have an obligation to call you every 12 hours? I don't think so. Act like you expect nothing from her, and she will want to give it. Expect it, and she won't want to give it. Demand it, and it's not being given, so it is worth less.

 

 

 

Maybe she wants your help, just not to have it imposed. Maybe you need to let her know that you want to hear about how she is doing, you want to know, but you are not the therapy police. That's putting the onus on her. But if she is not getting help, you should not listen to complaints. Complaining about the same thing all the time and never changing it, that;s not what you should be there for.

 

 

 

But you should have and be joyous when she does. She should see you proud of her and happy as a kid in a pile of candy.

 

 

 

That feeling is good, it is tension. When she calls it will be released. And that's when you will feel great. Tension and release shoud happen in every relationship. She creates drama to feel it, that's what being passive aggressive does often. Create some yourself.

 

You both need to back up and not be each other's bf/gf for a while. Take it easy, you both want to be there, don't be ina rush to get there.

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yeah, i guess i need to stop playing that part of the game. if i dont hear from her after several hours, i wonder why. i mean, i was upset yesterday because i had called her a couple of times with no response. i don't know if she was doing that on purpose to see how much it upset me or not. i don't know if she was testing me or not. she said she was out doing things yesterday and forgot to take her phone. i'm not really so sure about that.

 

anyway, it's a fine line because i don't want to be so on edge and anxious about things so i don't want to be chasing her with communication all the time, but if i don't too much, she might think i don't care.

 

it does feel really good not to have to worry about her life anymore. i mean, i do worry, but it feels good not to have to feel like i have to help her. i have my own problems and issues to worry about. i will be attentive to when she talks about things - but instead of rushing to help her or do things for her, i won't be doing that. like i said, tho, it's a fine line - because since her mother never helped her or was there for her, i think she equates people that do and are as those who truly love her.

 

that downward spiral was horrible. it is really hard to get out of and past sometimes. and really easy to get back into.

 

like i said, i really don't know where we are. she is telling me she loves me when we end conversations. and i am, too, but i don't think either of us realize where this is going. i think we both know that to a large degree it depends on her and what she is doing for her life.

 

she is going to therapy on her own and taking meds on her own - but i'm just not really asking about it anymore. she needs some independence to be responsible for it herself - and i need the weight lifted from my shoulders.

 

so, you really think the love is still there by what you've read?

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You say in your first post that her past continues to haunt your relationship with her...she obviously grew up with a tremendous amount of troubles and turmoil in her life, and I strongly encourage that she (and perhaps you too) seek professional counseling and therapy. Otherwise, she may very well continue to find herself in these cycles of turmoil, because that's what she grew up with and that is what she is used to. Until she breaks this cycle, with the help of a good therapist who can help her let go of her past troubles, she won't be able to really move forward, and you will continue to get dragged into her turmoil

 

best of luck!

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You don't know where it is going? Good, who does. We know where we hope it goes, we know what we might like it to be like when it gets there, but we never know if we will get there or what it will be like when we do. These doubts create tension, release the tension it feels good. Be vague, let her wonder, let some tension develop.

 

If you leave her a message and you don't call back for day, will it really say you don't want her. Get this down -- call once, let her call you back. If she calls you, call her back. No multiple messages, none of the chasing and neediness. And if she gets that wat, tell her that she can count on you, that you will call, that SHE is not just going to get rid of you.

 

You are looking to and beginning to change the dynamic of your relationship. Think about how you want things to be in a couple years,a dn work toward being that way, together.

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well, we aren't talking as much. maybe once or twice a day very briefly. and i don't get it. she tells me she loves me and considers herself in a relationship with me. she says our lack of talking is weird but it's not as stressful either. well, i'm not happy with this lack of communication. i think we both needed it for a while.......but it's not really helpful to me anymore.

 

we had this exchange just a few minutes ago. what would you make of this?

 

her: ff

me: hi

her: hi

me: how are you

her: link removed

me: thats awful

her: yeah

me: i'm fine with not talking as much - in a lot of ways, i think we've both needed that - but i'm not feeling as connected to you because of it and i just wanted you to know

her: im sorry

me: i've figured out a big reason why we got into that kind of relationship.....and i think because you don't really talk all that much, i found myself asking how you were on so many different fronts - becuase that's all we seemed to be able to talk about. now that i'm trying to step back from that - what do we have to talk about?

her: i dont know

me: ok

her:

her: well i have to go .. im sorry

me: ok

her: i do love you

me: yeah. love you

 

i was very dissatisfied with this exchange. she could have said so much more. i was opening myself up to my feelings of being disconnected. did she seem concerned? no. her only response is "i'm sorry". if someone had said that to me, that i love, i would have been very shaken up by that and would have wanted to discuss it in some way.

 

then when i tell her that i think we got into this codependent type relationship for several reasons but one being that she doesn't really say a lot so i found myself just asking about her all the time - when i say that since i am trying to discontinue that what do we have to talk about.......she actually says "i don't know" instead of a real answer!

 

then she says she has to go. did she really have to go or was she just avoiding the situation.

 

anyway, i am growing more and more frustrated. because she really seems to have nothing to give or to contribute to this relationship anymore.

 

what do you think?

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You are trying to have the same conversations you had when the relationship was stronger and going strong. But if you do, that's not going to change it, you'll be right back where you were.

 

You need to both give expect less and expect to give a little less for now. She's not asking as much for help, because it would not be right for her to take and take. She's not there to give and give.

 

Consider yourself at the start of a new relationship and act that way. Someone you just started dating is not someone you talk to all the time. That only comes later.

 

Finally, talking about how she is? Again and again? That would get old. Also, she's not great internally, so reminding her of this is not good either. Ask how she is as in normal conversation. And talk about something else? What are her interests? What does she like to do? Talk about one of her interests soon. Talk about current events. Talk to her as if she was a woman you recently met and began to date.

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no matter where we are right now, i would expect a little more when i say i don't feel as connected than i'm sorry. i would expect a little more than i don't know when i ask what we can talk about. i wasn't asking for much. i was stating a feeling. if i got this out of someone i was just starting to date, i'd walk away. because she seems to have nothing to give and seems to be interested very little in me. why can't she ask ME about myself???

 

her responses did not seem to be the kind of responses someone would give if there were that interested in saving the relationship.

 

i mean, don't say you are in a relationship if you can't even communicate like you are in one.

 

can you tell i'm getting tired of it?

 

i mean, i've been catering to her from day one. and i'm just supposed to be ok with her magic 8 ball answers - i could get more response talking to a freaking brick wall!

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Is it OK? No, but you are in the discomfort rebuilding zone.

 

And you are dealing with damaged goods.

 

Leave her alone a little bit, let her miss you, and see what happens.

 

And when you want to talk, you pick a topic and run with it.

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