Hurt, Healed & Confused

[Corny1]

OK. I'm just going to get to the point, making a complex drama simple. This is my first post so bear with me. My ex-fiance were together for 2-3 years. Had a baby boy (now 2 yrs). Good relationship, living together, but basic problems/arguments like anybody else. She started to get depressed, her father died in an accident, and she went emotionally downhill.

 

About a year ago, she cheated on me one night with one of her old friends (we'll call Mr. M). It devastated me. Not even a one night mistake,...but she then was "confused" between us. She said she loved me...but had "feelings" for Mr. M. It was an up-and-down struggle for awhile but we got through it..I thought. I wasn't sure how to react, hurt for sure, lost of trust....and we stayed together for a few more months until we separated, meaning she left me.

 

Well now, since our split up about 5 months ago (we live fairly close in the same town), I finally began to heal fairly well...the feeling of peace was on my side, not having to worry about trust...the tenseness in the relationship, etc.. But...unbeknownst to me, she apparently did not move on like I did...and for the longest time has wanted to form our relationship again.get our family back together. She even got jealous if she even thought that I was with someone. (I wasn't though) This went on and on for almost the last 4 months. She claimed her love for me...wanted to be with me. But I was moved on...I still had feelings inside about her..but I told her I needed some time to heal...but didn't put the idea completely aside. I do love her...but I needed and still need some time before we take it the next step again.

 

Well, just last week I found out that she started seeing Mr. M, out of all people! Staying at his house, etc..and things I don't want to think about. All out of the blue. Now I am hurt about this, even though I am the one who has been holding off, just to heal before jumping in. She is now deeply depressed (she won't get help), she can't afford her place anymore and even talked about moving with Mr. M out of state, with me having our son.

I don't think this will happen...she cares about our son, but it is like she is going crazy.

 

Our son is the most important thing here, and I deeply care about her. Last night I told her that if she gets her life together, and can start from scratch in a loving relationship with me...she could move in with me. Only under those circumstances...because I can't play games anymore...I already have an anxiety disorder and depression.

 

I don't know what she will do next. I love her...and want to make sure she will be OK...but I don't know where her true feelings lie. Was Mr. M, a desparate security blanket for her this last week because she gave up on me?....could her long ongoing feelings about me just drop off like that? Our son will be fine...we make sure that is taken care of first. I've seen alot in these posts about NC for healing....but I can't cut it off completely..we share custody of our son. But I am confused on the entire situation. Can anybody make some sense to this? Advise...insight...opinions....or questions.......anything would be appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read.

[RayKay]

Hi Corny,

 

I can't really tell you how significant "Mr. M" is or why she got involved with him again, but I think that now that you have told her:

 

Last night I told her that if she gets her life together, and can start from scratch in a loving relationship with me...she could move in with me. Only under those circumstances...because I can't play games anymore...I already have an anxiety disorder and depression.

 

the ball is in her court. If she comes back with a yes, then obviously Mr. M needs to be cut out of her life, you need to get into counselling together and go from there. If she says no, then I do think it is important you do not let yourself get in these games either. Of course, you have a son together and need to be in contact for matters pertaining to your son - but that is it. If she talks about Mr. M, or anything else, cut the conversations off. You need to be very clear that there are boundaries, and you cannot be dragged through the mud.

 

I think that her expectations of you just picking her back up after he betrayal and after she left were also rather unrealistic on her part. It is almost a matter of she wanted you because she could see you were moving on and "happy" and wanted that happiness for herself as she was not moving on so well herself...maybe not wanting you back for the right reasons.