Oh no. BF is too much of a partier...

[cordell13]

I've known my BF since March of this year but we've only started dating at the end of May. We are the best of friends and we get along tremendously. I met him at a bar and we both like to drink. It's only been lately that I notice he likes to drink and smoke pot a lot. Like everyday. Now I drink a glass of wine with dinner and on the weekends I get drunk too and I really enjoy partying with my friends, but I don't think he can even go a day without smoking. It didn't bother me at first, but now it sort of does because he has been telling me that he wants to move to the area (he lives 2 states away) and that he wants to be with me. His first girlfriend committed suicide and I think this really had an effect on him. This happened about 5 years ago. We both have our issues, as I am divorced because my husband got another woman pregnant - we have both been immensely hurt and I think we take comfort in eachother, but I don't think that it is healthy that we party so much or that he smokes everyday. Another thing is that when he smokes, we have problems in the bedroom...sorry to be graphic...but he can't get hard...he can come, but just not get hard. The only time it is really great sex is in the morning when he is not high or drunk and it is perfectly normal.

 

I guess my deal is this - I really care for him and want him in my life...is there anyway for me to approach him about this topic? I don't think I've known him long enough and I don't want to hurt his feelings. But I've been thinking about it a lot and I want our sex and relationship life to be "normal".

 

Thanks for all your advice in advance.

[Caine]

I've recently stopped smoking pot myself (after 16 yrs on & off) I felt it was giving me paranoia and i'm about to quit cigarettes anyway. Smoking pot isn't a bad thing, I believe it relaxes him and while he's smoking it he's probably in a safe environment (indoors, in a house) so at least he's not getting drunk in a club. unless your stroglet against soft drugs then it might be better to let him carry on, especially if it's not causing hugh problems in the relationship.

 

As for the sex, perhaps don't plan on getting it if he's been smoking, as his partner passed away he probably relies on the pot, it has great calming effects afterall. You do feel depressed for a while when you come off it, so if you ask him to quit and he's not ready, it might lead to arguments and problems in the relationship. All in all, if it's not causing major rows etc, maybe put up with it for a while.

 

Better the devil you know, than the devil you don't.

[Meow18]

So, are you saying that you would like to stop partying so much?

 

If this is the case, then maybe tell him that you don't think it would be a good idea for him to move closer to you until he decides the same for himself. I mean, if you want to stop partying so much, him wanting to party and smoke pot won't help.

 

Or the other way to look at it is, if he does move closer, maybe that will help him to quit because he will be spending more time with you.

 

But if he does move closer, maybe just tell him that you don't like when he smokes pot and if he's going to do it one day, then tell him you would rather not see him that day.

 

You don't have a right to tell him what to do, but you do have a right to not see him when he does things you don't approve of.

[cordell13]

I had a long conversation on the phone with him last night and he brought up the fact that he thinks we both drink too much and it is causing problems in the bedroom. He said that we should both take it easy and I agreed. I didn't mention the pot. I just thought that we were making good progress so I want to take it one step at a time.

 

I was a little out of control this weekend with the drinking and I'm glad that he brought it up because when you start not remembering anything that happened, what is the point of having him come for the weekend? He said that too...that he wants to spend quality time with me as much as he can and if we drink in moderation, it's fine but if we are both drunk, it just doesn't work. I feel a lot better and I will have to take this relationship one day at a time.

 

I've never really been in a LDR before. It's hard but he tries and sees me every weekend, so that makes me happy. He travels a lot for work too...so when he travels to my area he stays with me and not at a hotel...when that happens, I am really happy. I just have never been around someone that I get along with so well. We never argue or fight and he is really laid back as I am too. I just hope it keeps going in the right direction

 

Thanks so much for your advice.

 

And I love that quote....better the devil you know, than the devil you don't