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So I saw ex-BF last night. He stopped by after taking the dog to the vet, and we walked our dogs in the park then went for a quick drink. It was nice. I told him since he's been working a lot lately, it's probably not helping him being confused about us and so maybe I could "un-confuse" him... I told him I think we should just forget about getting back together and be friends.

 

I thought he would be relieved, but instead he looked disappointed. He asked me if that was what I wanted, and I said I want HIM but since I can't have that, then I'd rather have him as a friend than nothing at all. I told him I am afraid of getting my heart broken TWICE by him if I wait for him.

 

He asked why we can't just hang out like we're doing and enjoy each others' company. He said if something happens it should happen naturally. I suggested that we should both see other people for a while (I mean, HE is uncertain about spending the rest of his life with me!) and he said that I am entitled to do what I want, but that he has no interest in seeing anyone else at this point.

 

He also said that if we get back together, this break could have been the best thing for us, giving us both a chance to re-evaulate the relationship. He said he thinks it is much better for us to be going through this now than after we are engaged or married like a lot of couples.

 

So, is he leading me on? Or does it sound to you like he really wants to take our time and make it work if we can? So much of me wants to believe that he's really thinking seriously about us, but another part of me worries that in a few weeks/months he'll basically say he thought about it and doesn't think it will work. It's a chance I don't want to take but I am drawn to him I want him so bad.

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Sounds like he is open to the possibility but you should not hold your breath. Essentially, he's told you nothing, besides that he has not totally closed the door on getting back together. I suggest that you do NC at this point. If he starts to feel the inkling that you're gone, maybe it will light a fire under his bum and get him to realize that he wants you. Or maybe you two will drift further apart. Either way, you need to heal from the breakup and prepare to make it permanent, in case it really is. The way I see it, NC can only help in this situation because it will allow you to keep the pressure off him and heal at the same time. I think unless he comes out and says he wants you now, assume it's really over.

 

Edit: NC or LC. And by LC I mean quite infrequent contact and make sure he comes to you, don't always be the initiator.

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I think I can DEFINITELY do LC... I have to be careful with NC with this guy, because he is sensitive and if I plain ignore him, he will figure I'm not interested in him. He's said that if it would be easier for me to not see him he would live with that, he wants to make it as easy as possible on me... But he said he enjoys spending time with me and would like to still see each other once in a while. Plus, I look better and better every week as my weight drops (back to the hot little thing I was when we met) and I don't want him to remember me as the way I was when we broke up, because that was NOT attractive! I like seeing him infrequently because at the rate I am losing weight (5lbs or so a week) it's a real shock how good I look from one week to the next.

 

My plan for the present is to NEVER call him anymore unless it's a response to his call or in direct relation to plans we have made. But any conversations or activities are to be initiated by him. I won't initiate conversations, activities, or physical contact. Sound good?

 

How should I act when I am out with him? Like a friend? Just be reciprocative of his advances?

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Jayar,

 

Honestly, I think you should see what happens. But! Not see what happens like he wants it "natural." If you still want to be with him, and you want it all right now, then you should decide on one small thing - Is he worth the wait?

 

There's no telling whatsoever about the future for the two of you - but, if you're willing to keep that bridge open, then there's going to be a lot of feelings involved. He may move on, and no matter how you feel, YOU may move on.

 

I don't know what the "problem" was before, so I can't really offer anything there. But in a situation where the both of you seemingly want something, then you're either going to have to trust him enough, or end it now. Being undecisive, at least in terms of what he wants will only make things last too long. You don't know if he's seeing somone, and he doesn't know if you are.

 

I won't push my story into this, but my ex is trying to tell me we're off limits, but wants to be friends - we talk almost daily, she said she'd go to disneyland with me next week. All of that, and I still don't have anything as clear cut as your ex just proposed to you.

 

I don't think your decision should be made right this instant. I think you should evaluate your relationship right now, where feelings are still strong, but the committment, or fear, lack, etc, is in the way.

 

You want him bad, but unrequited love is painful. Take it slow if you feel he is worth the wait, but by no means put your all into it until you know for sure that you are willing to deal with the worst case scenario, and that may be never. Honestly, from someone in a similar situation, decide if you want THIS, not HIM, but THIS, in your life. I decided I did because she is worth my wait, at least for now. But that's a costly decision. Weigh your feelings before deciding. I can't offer much more.

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He also said that if we get back together, this break could have been the best thing for us, giving us both a chance to re-evaulate the relationship. He said he thinks it is much better for us to be going through this now than after we are engaged or married like a lot of couples.

 

Funny how the dumpee is usually the one that says this kind of crap And believe me, I seem to have seen it a lot!

 

Hmm, I don't really think a "lot of couples" decide that "breaks" before or after marriage are a healthy thing. I have yet to see many healthy couples in fact whom have taken breaks at all.

 

I am sorry, I am not trying to be negative Jayar, I really just don't like how his wishy washiness is used to kinda make you feel guilt for moving on with your life. You should NOT be waiting for him to make up his mind in my opinion. If he wants to be with you, he should not need time to "hang out and see what happens". If he is uncertain about spending the rest of his life with you, you should be pretty certain that you will not put your life on hold.

 

Seriously, he does not need to hang out with you to decide if you are worth it or not. He had what, three years now or something, to know if you were the one he wanted to be with. Time apart won't suddenly change what he knows of you.

 

Tell him you respect he is uncertain but you do not want to be held in limbo, and that you do not want to hear from him unless it is because he had made a major decision about your future together. If he is lucky, you may be available then. I am not saying you should start dating right away, just don't wait for him...start healing. If he comes back, and shows he IS committed to it, great, decide then what you want. If he does not, well, you are already well on your way to healing.

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My plan for the present is to NEVER call him anymore unless it's a response to his call or in direct relation to plans we have made. But any conversations or activities are to be initiated by him. I won't initiate conversations, activities, or physical contact. Sound good?

 

Sounds perfect.

 

You have made your desire to be with him clear, so there is no point in now backing it up with actions. Implement NC from your end (as you have said, by not *initiating* contact with him) but do respond to his contact...if you can do so without delaying your progress.

 

Don't be too available either - if she wants to meet up, do *not* jump at the chance - even consider telling him that you're busy and suggest another time. He should see that you are moving on with your life, and that may just inspire him to act.

As far as physical contact is concerned, I would be reluctant to respond to any physical contact initiated by your ex - it's the equivilant of letting him have his cake and eat it too. You should make it clear (if the situation arises) that physical contact is what couples do, not exes.

 

You seem to have a good handle on the situation - don't wait for him though, he will try to hold you back from moving on too far (usually with words and whatever physical contact you allow) but don't get let that get your hopes up...unless/until he speaks specifically about a plan of action in relation to getting back together.

 

Focus on the future without him and take steps to heal, if he wants to be part of your future he will most definitely let you know in no uncertain terms.

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"You should make it clear (if the situation arises) that physical contact is what couples do, not exes."

 

I like this a lot... I was struggling with how to resist the physical side of things, and make a differentiation between us NOW and when we were dating, without making him think I am not interested in him anymore. So thank you!

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