In Limbo - Do I Stay or Get Over It??

[kittenmoomoo]

Has anyone ever been in a situation where they don't know the relationship status? Such a silly question, I know. My bf? and I haven't spoken to eachother in over 2 weeks. Last time we saw/spoke to eachother was Sun. 16/07. As per my previous posts, he has a tendency to ignore me. *sigh*

This time I can't be bothered trying, tried calling the 1st week and now I haven't bothered calling since Fri. 22/07. NC from both ends, but I'm not going through my usual emotions. I've only cried a few times, but not bawled my eyes out, just a 30 second weep. I'm kinda supressing my emotions though, keep telling people I don't want to talk about it when they ask me about him.

Just not sure what to do, I love him and always will, but a toxic relationship is a pointless one, yes? How do people get over long term partners - mine's three years.

 

Thanks for reading my post.

 

xx Maggie xx

[RayKay]

Well the "simple answer" in how do people get over long term relationships...they just do...with time, patience, and support...they just do.

 

Anyway, if this is an up and down rollercoaster relationship, and this happens over and over again, I would say it's time to move forward and not look back. To me, it sounds all but officially over anyway honestly, and the damage I think these repeated "ignorings" have done is tremendous.

 

Seriously, don't you want to be with someone whom can communicate with you and does not resort to such immature behaviour as ignoring you? Yuck! I am assuming he is near your age, and sweetie, yikes, but adults should know better by this point and treat one another a bit more respectfully!

[PRSOV]

The fact that you two haven't spoken in two weeks is not the best sign...

 

On what grounds did you break-up?

 

but a toxic relationship is a pointless one

definitely! You both need to be happy and the relationship needs to be balanced for both. Only happy positive relationships truly work in the end.

 

Take this time out to find yourself again. Do you have any local clubs that you could join... that have events such as getogethers? Where you could meet and mingle while meeting new people.

 

Take it one small step at a time, three years is a long time to be with someone and moving on is going to take time.

 

You are your number one priority for now.

 

PR

[kittenmoomoo]

Thanks RayKay. You're very right about the immature behaivour, he is just all round immatuare. I think i've been waiting too long for him to grow up and it's not gonna happen anytime soon.

[arwen]

Hey girl,

 

First step if you want OUT of this toxicating relationship: BREAK UP WITH HIM. That way, it's your decision and you don't have to play the waiting game for him to call. Who does want a bf that neglects them? No one, of course. One of the basic things in a relationship is the kind of attention and affection you share.

 

You can get over a long term relationship. A lot of the people here have survived the difficult times, moved on and found new partners. Remember, most people go through a break up at least once in their life. Even apart from the huge divorce rates in this time. It took me some time and struggle to get over my first ex (4 years together). I think I was FULLY over it when I last saw him in the summer of 2005. I realized that he was no longer on the pedestal I put him on, and just saw him as a person that had nothing to do with my life anymore. That was such a relief. We broke up in 2003, and I had a few relationships in 2004 (short term).

 

I think once you decide for yourself that this is NOT what you want, you can start healing. When you are still in denial, you neglect your emotions and somehow you keep thinking that you're still together (because it seems like you haven't broken up explicitly). If you break up, tell ALL your friends. That way, there is no confusion, and they can support you when you need. Don't try to push away your emotions. It's tough to go through a break up but you will be fine, I promise.

 

Ilse

[kittenmoomoo]

On what grounds did you break-up?

 

We haven't actually "officially" broken up, that's why I'm in limbo. I just thought I should put my brain in get over mode so I can get out of the rut. Yeah, I know I should def focus on myself..I have put myself second for 3 years. I do love mingling and meeting new people, I just feel like I have no one to go with cause my friends all have boyfriends. Guess that's the point of meeting new people though. Thanks PR!

[Beec]

Dump him. In any case it is your best thing to do. He treats you with little respect, sticking around won't change that. If it is toxic, why stay. If you want to change it, then you need to show he needs to change or lose you, and if you want to show him how he can lose you, dump him. There's no saying you cannot get back together, at some point. And, the fastest way to get into the process of getting over him, start it. Start it by dumping him.

 

A quick note should do in this case, since he has been ignoring you.

[arwen]

So, break up once and for all. He's not contributing to your happiness, and you seem perfectly capable of being socially active, meeting people and doing things to create a fulfilling life. He's unresponsive to phonecalls, maybe a short email will do. I think it's better to meet him, cut the crap and tell him upfront that you are finished with him and don't want to see him anymore.

 

Ilse

[kittenmoomoo]

Ilse, thanks for your wise words. When you went through your break up, did you feel you had to reassess your whole life? That's how I feel. It hurts that I've prioritised him for so long and now my whole life is changing.

[RayKay]

Ilse, thanks for your wise words. When you went through your break up, did you feel you had to reassess your whole life? That's how I feel. It hurts that I've prioritised him for so long and now my whole life is changing.

 

It's pretty common when you are so young, and together so long, you prioritize your partner at the sacrifice of yourself.

 

Of course it is normal in any case as you have to revisit all your plans, and realize they are not part of them anymore.

 

I hope from this though you will learn in the future that you should not give up your life for your partner....be your own person. Not only will you make better decisions on the relationship, but you will feel much happier, whole, and be well rounded. And it benefits the relationship as well as yourself. Individuality is not a bad thing

[kittenmoomoo]

I hope from this though you will learn in the future that you should not give up your life for your partner....be your own person.

 

Yes, I realised this too late. I tried to pull myself out of that situation, but I think I got stuck in "partner obsession".

[arwen]

Ilse, thanks for your wise words. When you went through your break up, did you feel you had to reassess your whole life? That's how I feel. It hurts that I've prioritised him for so long and now my whole life is changing.

 

Oh, totally. But keep in mind, that reassessment is only for the better! I promise you, you will get a much stronger sense of yourself and what your life is about when you put yourself first again. It took me a while before I could, I seemed to have programmed myself to 1. put HIM first 2. look at myself through HIS eyes (not a good picture...).

 

It takes time, and it takes not seeing each other. I personally really advocate No Contact. Strict no contact, no texts, emails that you also send to others, no leaving-him-on-messenger, no checking his email if you have his password, no asking how he is to friends, etc.

 

It helps. Really!

 

Ilse

[shellshocked]

 

Seriously, don't you want to be with someone whom can communicate with you and does not resort to such immature behaviour as ignoring you? Yuck! I am assuming he is near your age, and sweetie, yikes, but adults should know better by this point and treat one another a bit more respectfully!

 

Ok.

See.

THIS is where I get confused.

 

Isn't THIS the basis of No Contact??

Basically INGORING the other person???

 

This is why I have such a hard time with it.

I FEEL immature and childish when I'm in NC,

but then that's what I keep seeing is the

best thing to do....

 

](*,)

[RayKay]

Ok.

See.

THIS is where I get confused.

 

Isn't THIS the basis of No Contact??

Basically INGORING the other person???

 

This is why I have such a hard time with it.

I FEEL immature and childish when I'm in NC,

but then that's what I keep seeing is the

best thing to do....

 

](*,)

 

The difference is they never BROKE UP. He just likes to ignore her as a way to manipulate her.

 

There is a difference between using NC to heal and move on after a break up, and using it to manipulate another and get your way (if you are together or if you are broken up).

[Beec]

Ok.

See.

THIS is where I get confused.

 

Isn't THIS the basis of No Contact??

Basically INGORING the other person???

 

This is why I have such a hard time with it.

I FEEL immature and childish when I'm in NC,

but then that's what I keep seeing is the

best thing to do....

 

](*,)

 

There's nothing wrong with telling them you need to stay away from them, and you should stay away if you dumped them. You can even write to them or say to them: "hey, I wish you all the best, I'd prefer not to ignore you, but right now, I need some space from you. Take care, ____"

 

But ignoring someone you are supposed to be dating, is either being chicken of dumping them or immature.

[shellshocked]

The difference is they never BROKE UP. He just likes to ignore her as a way to manipulate her.

 

There is a difference between using NC to heal and move on after a break up, and using it to manipulate another and get your way (if you are together or if you are broken up).

 

I see what you're saying here, but it's still hard for

for me to see how/what/where/why/if I should

use NC in my situation.

 

 

 

We're in an LDR.

Not really broken up. Not on a break.

She says she wants things less intense.

[shellshocked]

The difference is they never BROKE UP. He just likes to ignore her as a way to manipulate her.

 

There is a difference between using NC to heal and move on after a break up, and using it to manipulate another and get your way (if you are together or if you are broken up).

 

I see what you're saying here, but it's still hard for

for me to see how/what/where/why/if I should

use NC in my situation.

 

 

 

We're in an LDR.

Not really broken up. Not on a break.

She says she wants things less intense.

 

I guess today's probably the first time since things

started going downhill that i actually have been

pulling back some.

Maybe I think if I'm not so "there" for her it will

make her miss me....