I just cant seem to get over him :(

[coolchick]

I am nearly 23 this year and have never felt more alone when i think about it, despite being am surrounded by loving family and friends who are all there to help me. I was with my ex for nearly 5 years and we also split numerious times for just a few days at a time. Last year, we split for nearly 6 months due to him changing into a completely different person (his job changed him) We later got back together after him saying that he realised how much i was the only one he wanted in his life. We even bought a house together in february this year and it was his way of showin me his commitment. He left tho after 6 weeks and now its been torture sorting out the house and dealing with lawyers.

 

He isnt the person i knew atall anymore I stupidly thought the old person i had fell in love with was back, but he wasnt. The new person is full of hatred for me, tells me that im a nothing, thinks im stupid and just constantly puts me down because i could do nothing right. We didnt even have an argument when he left. He just decided to tell me that he no longer loved me and sent me a text saying he was moving out Once again, he starts going out with anyone and everyone, he even drove up past our home with girls in the car when i was outside in my own car It hurts so much, if i knew what i had done wrong i could maybe accept our breakup but still to this day he doesnt give me a reason.

 

There is a lot going for me, i sit and listen to him telling me how stupid and niave i am and how i was just lazy to not get a full time job. That couldnt have been further from the truth, i was at university full time studying and also working a part time job which made up my 7 day week. Ive just graduate there and am a teacher now. Passed my driving test and working hard. I feel angry at myself for letting him put a downer on my accomplishments. I dont need him in my life as he isnt a nice person anymore. But i still grief for the man i used to love and spent 5 great years of my life with. Its like my other half died and was replaced by this horrible person still using my man's body. How can i grief for the love of my life when his body still passes me in my town every day?

 

Sorry this is so long guys. Thanks for listening x

[arwen]

Hey girl,

 

I think you have been through an awful lot. I have been to an on and off relationship, and it's hard to get over it. Especially when the person you are involved with, changed so much you can hardly believe it is the same person. A lot of things you describe about him, make me think that you are better off without him. Of course you miss him. But you also miss being in that kind of relationship, and maybe it will help you to separate these kinds of 'missing'. You seem to be an accomplished young lady, you have a job, a degree, a drivers license. Don't let that be influenced by whatever comment he made. Could it be that he was scared of being with such a successful lady as yourself? In that case, it isn't an excuse but maybe an explanation of his rude behaviour.

 

About the house and your job. Do you live in a small town? Is it possible at all for you to sell the house, rent a nice apartment somewhere outside of town but close enough for work? Then at least you won't run into him on a daily basis. I think it's harder to move on if you continue living in the house you both lived in, even if it was for such a short time. I think the house carries the meaning of you and him getting back together, and that might give you daily memories that don't help you.

 

He probably passed your house with that girl on purpose. It's low, mean and degrading to do such a thing. But it's consistent with the way he treated you before he left. Lean on your friends and family for support. And check out options to move to another place, maybe not now, but in the near future. Even planning that might give you a feeling of starting with a clean slate and moving on.

 

Take care,

 

ilse

[RayKay]

Hey coolchick!

 

Wow, what your ex did was absolutely horrible - not that he maybe chose to not be with you anymore, but rather the cruelty in which he handled it, and how he talked to you and treated you.

 

Honey, I really don't think you did anything wrong. Either you just were not the person he wanted (which by the way by the sounds of him is NOT a bad thing, because that says you are too good for him in my opinion!) OR, he has changed into such a big selfish jerk that he took you for granted, and besides sweetie, based on what you said, he does NOT deserve you. Honey you are doing GREAT, you finished school, have a new job, are independent and starting a great career...you should be PROUD of yourself. Don't listen to him, he was purely trying to get you down and build himself up - he's a bully!

 

It was also pretty bad for him to move into a house with you then decide after he wanted to run, I still wonder why he came back in first place then to be honest...either way, yes, when you have a house it is a whole new ballgame to have to clear up.

 

You are going to have too look for closure from within, start with acceptance, and realize that closure rarely, if ever comes from the other, but it comes from when we finally accept and realize we WILL be okay, we ARE going to have a full and happy life without them...and we are better off

 

As for the house, how soon do you think it will be cleared up so you can move on with your life? Are you planning on moving to a new place or taking over the mortgage? I would suggest moving personally based on his actions.

 

And yes, remember most of all this man whom is doing this is NOT the man you knew. I don't think any of us could ever say what happened, but clearly this guy he is is not someone you want to be with, or need to be with in any shape or form.

 

Hugs sweetie, it will get better....

 

RayKay

[coolchick]

Thank you for your reply ilse, your words really do make sense. I think ive been holding on to hope that the man i loved will be back, but ive got to keep reminding myself that he came back last year and changed yet again I know that i have to give up this hope and start moving on with my life but its just so hard.

 

Ive been thinking about moving but it wouldnt be for another year yet so that i can sell the house without any penalties. Ive changed the furniture about and even decorated so that it doesnt have the same feeling anymore from when he stayed here. Its just hard that he knows where i stay and can repeat the cruelty he did when he passed with all those girls He just doesnt seem to care atall tho. How can someone who loved you so much for a long time just switch off his feelings and not even think about me atall? Its like i was just a fly by relationship that didnt really mean anything

[coolchick]

Thank you RayKay, ive been trying to tell myself over and over exactly what you have just said. I just wish my heart would believe what the head is telling it!

[arwen]

Yeah, I thought about those penalties. Good thing you redecorated a bit. You can just start looking for a new place, maybe that will also lift your spirits for a bit. I don't understand why he is so mean. It's almost unhealthy how he behaves. He is trying to make you jealous, as he still wants you to want him. It's sick because he is the one that left after buying a house. He should be more considerate. Is there other strange behaviour? You say it is also due to his new job, what is that job and how do you think it changed him? He sounds a bit narcistic to me.

 

Ilse

[RayKay]

I agree with ilse in that he sounds rather narcisstic. As to why he changed, I don't know...but it certainly is very strange, and very hard I am sure to see in someone you have known so long. It sounds like he has a lot of bitterness and negativity....which is just toxic. That kind of hate will poison him over time, don't let it get to you too.

 

It's too bad you need to stay in the house if he drives by all the time (sheesh, how much more self absorbed can he be...clearly he has issues if he cannot just move on and leave you be!). But, I think it is now your chance to make it your own too....on the plus side he only had so much time to leave too many memories there, which you can erase with some new paint perhaps

 

I really don't know what changed in him, but you sure don't want to be with someone whom apparently can change so dramatically and negatively!

[Beec]

There are no simple solutions to getting over a relationship. For msot of us, it takes time and often finding someone to fill the void they left behind. I don't advocate latching onto someone else, that's not good for them or you if it is going to be a filler. (Aside, I see nothing wrong with dates, but I do see issues with relationships before you are ready.) When we do fall for someone, there is an emotional dependency that develops. We get something, some part of our emotional wants and needs, fulfilled by being with them. When they are gone, we miss that need being fulfilled. For most of us, over time, the figurative wounds on our heart scab over and heal, some with scar tissue. I cannot really think of any way for us to speed the process. A good night of drinking has seemed to help me begin it, but I cannot recommend that you get drunk, and you already seem on the road to doing what you need to do.

 

You will need to build yourself a new life, without him, and you seem well on your way to doing that. Don't let him bring you down, hang in there.

[coolchick]

Thank you both, its amazing, i know in my head what i need to do but i cant just seem to get the pain away. Its amazing, ive done a psychology degree and i know that men are able to sometimes control their emotions more than women. But on another level i feel that he's not just controling them, he genuinelly doesnt care. Plus to be able to intentionally hurt someone you used to love is really sad. I feel sorry for him that he just cant seem to commit to a person. I loved him with all my heart and would have done anything for him. He knows this but yet was still not content with me. The last girl cheated on him and this one he dated apparently is a bit of a fruitloop. Dont think i want to understand it to be honest! x

[Beec]

We all go through different stages in life. With each stage comes change. I know when I got out of college and began working, I did get a little "harder", but I also did not get the desire to run around all the time. Further changes in life have brought on other changes.

 

My biggest question for you to convince yourselof more to move on, is how far do you think you could trust him, if he did suddenyl want to get back together. He tried it once, and then flip-flopped. Can you trust him again, and what would he need to do to be trusted? I don't think I could trust him easily again, if I were in your shoes.

 

You miss the guy he was, but not the guy he is.