New approach to dating -- would like some thoughts on it

[Lily04]

Hi guys,

 

Well as some of you may know from previous posts... I have really high standards when it comes to dating. Many guys are interested in me in real life, as well as online, but as for actually *accepting* dates with them, I've been quite picky about who I go out with. Why? Maybe because I'm a perfectionist and was looking for something more serious in relationships, I don't know.

 

But I went up to my aunt's cottage last weekend and my perception on dating changed as a result of talking with her. She told me that I seemed frustrated with things, and asked if I had a boyfriend. I said no... I haven't had a boyfriend in 2 years now. She seemed shocked, and asked if I was dating people, I said I dated a few people during school but no one seriously... and in the summer haven't dated anyone. I told her the trouble I had with meeting men for dates and she said that I really should honestly just be more flexible with it, and not expect so much. Just be casual, and meet people for fun, for a free dinner, to have a few laughs and that's it. She said that when she was in high school/college she would accept dates from ANYONE even if they were ugly, just to give people a chance and see what happened (also because she typically got a free meal at an expensive restaurant but we won't mention that.)

 

So I thought about that & decided I should have a more flexible attitude... honestly I counted the amount of smiles/date requests I have on lavalife in 4 months and it's 532. So about 530 date requests and i've only gone out on maybe 5 dates in total. I was just scared of meeting people... the issue is that now I feel sorta bad for rejecting sooo many guys, especially ones that had potential. One in particular I got along with pretty well at the end of April/beginning of May... he's really smart and funny but I wasn't sure I was physically attracted to him...so when he gave me his # to call him to go out sometime whenever I wanted, I dropped it and never ended up calling.

 

However, in the last few months, he has gotten in really great shape and looks pretty hot, lol... I don't know if i should get in contact with him or any of the other guys I never ended up following up with or just leave it? As it is, I have 10 dates planned for the next 2 weeks, but it's all just 'fun' to sorta be crazy and let loose before school starts and then I can't have as much fun, lol... what do you think? It's sorta a mega dating experience lol. They're all pretty sweet & decent looking, but I'm still wondering if I should call/e-mail that guy...what do you think?

 

Lily

[Orlander]

Sounds like a good idea. Having extremely high standards can often be a disguise for other things like having a fear of intimacy or not being over an exboyfriend/girlfriend, etc.

 

In the very least I think you will learn more about the qualities you really want in someone. Good luck.

 

Oh, and PM me your address. I'll pick you up this friday at 8.

 

 

orlander

[Lily04]

haha, I'm not sure I can fit you into my schedule! I think Friday is booked But we'll seeeee...

 

so what do you think about asking the guy out who I haven't spoken with in about 2-3 months? Drop it? Even if he has gotten hotter?? hehe.

[zippitt]

I agree with your aunt especially since you are still so young. Well, just don't use them for a free meal unless there is some sort of interest in them.

 

If you think there is any sort of chemistry it doesn't hurt to try out a date, this will help you really build on what you want and don't want. You may think you have that already figured out, but I assure you those perceptions will change over time if you date a lot.

[Lily04]

zippitt I think you're completely right... I had the totally OPPOSITE approach before though. I'd try to figure out online whether I'd be good with the guy or not, trying to analyze EVERYTHING (umm did I mention I tend to over-analyze things a lot??) so teh result was I'd jsut be like "yeah sorry dude, we're not compatible." copy/paste that to like 100 people.

 

But now I just feel really bad. What should I do? Just forget about the past and the guys I rejected and accept dates from all the new guys, even if we did have some chemistry before?

[Orlander]

As far as guys and dating are concerned, there is no statute of limitations. Even you if you diss a guy and then decide, after 3 years, to call him and ask him out, most likely the guy will still remember you and will say yes.

 

Good luck with your dates....i'm getting jealous just thinking about all the good free food you are going to get.

 

 

Orlander

[Batya33]

I think there's a middle ground here. Come up with your basics list- a relatively short list of qualities the man must have to have potential for a serious relationship. For example, mine are: same religion as me, at least a college education, strong work ethic, similar values to me, strong character and integrity, healthy/lives a healthy lifestyle (no drugs, excessive drinking), wants marriage and family in the near future and there must be some spark of attraction within the first handful of dates (i.e. I can imagine kissing him). I no longer have "looks" listed because although in my 20's I would not have considered dating someone obese, now I would in certain circumstances (based on health issues, not attraction).

 

I think it's awful to go out for a free meal because in part, you'll end up with a headache or stomachache if you don't have a good time and you'll probably feel guilty which isn't fun either.

 

I would not go out with the guy you rejected just because he looks "hotter" - how would you like it if someone decided to reevaluate you because you did something new with your hair or lost/gained some weight?

[RayKay]

I think that you should not "settle for anyone". I mean there should be some mutual interest. And I think there should be some requirements such as respectful, family-orientated (whatever your important qualities are).

 

And, I would not go just for 'free meals' - I think is rather unclassy personally. And, I am not sure about this guy you ditched before, it would be pretty shallow at this point I think....I don't know..but that is up to you. I mean I have my physical preferences too (ie healthy, fit) but I don't know, I would just be careful there.

 

But, nor do I think you should exclude anyone whom does not meet a laundry list of requirements, especially when you are meeting online because sometimes you fit together in person much more than you do online.

 

When I first met my boyfriend online, we were both "underwhelmed" is maybe the right word. Neither of us had huge expectations, we just thought we would maybe be good friends as we have several things in common and seemed to communicate pretty well from our online conversations. But, we really were not so sure we were one anothers type. We decided to go out on a date, had an absolute blast, a total connection and well, the rest is history, present and future

[Lily04]

hehe, that's awesome Raykay, thanks. =) As usual, your advice is unbiased and helpful...

 

Well actually a few guys contacted me again after I rejected them, so I guess it's possible on both ends. I'm sorta kicking myself now 'cause I'm reading over an e-mail from one guy who's an entertainment lawyer for MuchMusic. He had exclusive tickets to an event last July & asked if I wanted to go, there would be awesome food and I'd probably have pics in the newspaper but I never even bothered to read his whole msg. because I was upset with a conversation we had before... just reading over his e-mail now, I'm like DAMN how did I miss THAT?? That would have been a lot better than a few dinners... hehe.

[kiwifly]

Lily, I'm glad to hear that you're taking your aunt's advice and opening yourself to more possibilities with guys. I'm like you in that I have very high standards for guys. Actually, I think I'm worse because in the past four years I only had a serious date with one guy.

 

For the ones asking you on lavalife, just take your aunt's advice for the next ones that come along. The ones you already rejected are in the past, and I'm sure there will be plenty more guys that match you asking you for dates again. The guy that you felt you had a chemistry with a few months ago, I say get in touch with him. It's better to try and see what can happen then never try and always wonder what could have happened with him. Go for it!

 

Oh and have fun on all those dates and enjoy all that free food!

 

EDIT: Just reading some of the comments, I'm not sure now..did you feel chemistry with that guy or are you thinking of contacting him just b/c he looks better now? If it's b/c he looks better, I don't think that's quite fair for the guy. I say find someone whom you feel a connection with on a personality level. It will be hard over the internet, and maybe you'll even miss out on great guys that would have been perfect for you but just didn't show it in their profiles, but if you find some and agree to go out with a few of them I'm sure you'll have a connection with at least one.

[Lily04]

Hey Kiwi,

 

Thanks for your thoughts. I think you're right actually... there was a reason why I didn't follow up with the former guy I was chatting with... well mostly looks but also because I didn't feel we exactly 'clicked'... there was just something sorta off. I think we had a different sense of humour because he didn't really understand my wit sometimes (and thought I was offending him) and I don't know... just get the sense we might not be compatible. Soo maybe it's best I just drop it then...

 

As for the rest of the guys, thanks for your advice. I think I'll just leave the past where it is and move forward.... you're right in that there's lots of fish in the sea.

 

Take care,

 

Lily