Hey Guys!

[Gracelove]

I'm afraid to lose weight.

I've found a safe way to lose the weight fast.

I've already lost some weight and I'm afraid to lose more.

 

I know I was raped when I was a smaller size, so maybe that's it.

 

And I have this thing going on with money lately, there never seems to be enough.

 

And then I've been kind of obsessing over my wedding ring.

 

I found the right one. It's elegant, classy, and breath-taking, but simple.

Why would I care or be worried about a wedding ring?

 

I have this thing where I feel like everything is final, and I have to make the perfect and right decision the first time around.

 

What's with that?

 

I'm scared.

I seem to be scared of almost anything these days.

 

I'm afraid I won't make it.

 

I try really hard ya know.

 

Sometimes I get in a state of mind where I'm suicidal. It doesn't happen frequently, but it happens more than I care for it to, and on top of that it's really bad.

 

And I feel scared, and sad, because I can't depend on myself.

 

I feel like my life has slipped away through my fingers.

 

I always felt that I would be able to take care on myself, no matter what.

 

I trusted myself, believed in myself. I knew that no matter what happened in life, I could do it...I could make it.

 

Now........

 

I don't have that anymore.

 

I mean I'm on medicine now.

What will happen if I miss a dosage. What would happen if I couldn't get a job, didn't have insurance anymore....what would happen?

Would I go crazy?

 

I don't know, that I can do anymore.

 

I used to be able to do my own hair, nothing right? Now..it's like a struggle.

 

Why am I so afraid of everything?

 

It's like, in the perfect, it could be like the movies.

I could track down my rapist like superwoman...I could make him pay dearly, without killing him...and go home happy, with no guilty conscience.

 

But that's not how the world works, that's not how I work.

 

I used to think that God would punish people for their wrong-doing.

Do I still believe that?

Part of me definitely does....but what about the other part? the other part feels that I'm not worthy to be avenged.

Maybe that's why I don't care to believe or think about that anymore.

 

I know the rape isn't my fault. But where do I put my feelings? Where do I put the blame.

My ex-friend won't take the blame or responsibility, and neither will the rapist.

 

They claim that it's not their fault. I know it isn't my fault. Then who's fault is it???

 

Who's at fault?

 

I blame myself for trusting and believing in a girl who never was really my friend.

I blame myself for not knowing that she would betray me.

 

I do believe that that part, and that part alone, is my fault.

 

And then I think, then who can I trust.

If I don't know, or can't tell who my friends are, then who can I trust?

 

And the thing is, she didn't even say, "I'm sorry". If she would have said that, then I could have believed that she actually cared about me...at all.

 

But no "sorry". The only person that seems to be "sorry" about this is besides my family, is me.

 

We are all suffering, and for what? Why?

 

Because someone wanted control? Because they wanted to violate, and destroy someone who was a complete stranger to them.

 

It's not fair. And I know life isn't fair, but it's really not fair.

 

What am I to do? I'm expect to finish school. I'm expected to be able to support myself.

 

And can't even get a decent night's sleep.

The only thing that's run through my head, are my worries. All of my worries, over and over again.

 

I used to know, that no matter how horrible life got, I would at least be able to dream, to escape life, if only for a few hours, I could find peace and rest, but not anymore.

 

This is the worst kind of life, the worst kind of living.

 

 

[DN]

I haven't read many of your posts but have to ask if you have been or are currently in counselling?

[ButterflyWrists]

Ouch, that sux! I mean, thats even worse than what happened to me in away.

But keep in mind that it is never your fault! Have you been anywhere about it? Was it set up? Are you afraid it might happen again if you go to someone about it?

 

I don't know how to help, but I know someone whome might know. Just be strong.

[Hope75]

Hey Gracie,

 

Is there any way you can change the font of your post to a smaller (size 2) font and make it black?

 

I'm interested to read your post but honestly it's so big and so blue it hurts my eyes and I can't.

 

What do you think?

[Meow18]

I think it could all have to do with the fact that you were raped in the past. Did you ever get counselling for it or any kind of help?

 

I agree with DN. If you aren't currently in counseling, then you really need to do that. Suicidal thoughts, even if it doesn't happen often aren't a good thing and should be taken seriously..

[lilac_indi]

i agree..if you havent gotten help already i really advise you to get it now. this is not good for your personal growth and you will never come out of this if you dont seek proper help

[nottoogreen]

Background info from other threads: Grace suffered from depression before the rape and is in therapy since a while after the rape, her family is supportive and her dad also goes with her to therapy.

 

Hi Grace,

 

You are better again as you can vent your anger and your fears reflect what you do to yourself.

 

Let your fears go one by one. Take up small task and hobby projects at the house.

[itsallgrand]

Hi Grace,

Nice to see another post from you. ((hug))

 

There's a lot of self awareness in this post. You are expressing your fears openly, and your worries, and that is a very good sign.

 

Do you feel the therapy has been helping? it seems like it is. Have patience, as hard as it is. You are doing wonderful.

It takes time to process and recover from rape. Allow yourself the time to heal.

You can do it.

 

I would not be surprised if losing the extra weight which will put you at your past size, when the rape occurred, would be especially difficult.

It will make you feel vulnerable, and bring back memories.

 

I'm very pleased to see you recognize that! That is half the battle.

That is definetly something to talk with your therapist about: you can get through it and reach your weight goal.

 

Grace, I am so proud of you. You are showing such strength to face these emotions, and moving forward in your healing.

 

Take care hon.

[Bethany]

Ask your doctor for some mild sleeping tablets, get your Dad to keep them for you if you do not trust yourself with them. Sometimes I think it's good escape from your pain, it gives our mind the chance to rest and our emotions to heal and you have been and are going through a lot, I'm sure a few nights of good dreamless sleep will do you good. It's also very good to talk so please keep going to therapy. The combination of good rest and counselling will do you the world of good.