When Does The Pain Go

[MummyToAnAngel]

The title of the thread says it all really. I lost my baby to a miscarriage in March this year. There's not a day that goes by i don't think about it. Today's a really bad day for me for some reason. Anyone been in the same situation as me? How long does it take? I don't want to forget my angel, i just want the pain to go away.. I can't cope anymore. I want to cry all the time.

[DN]

I am so sorry this happened. When my wife miscarried I felt very bad for some time. Eventually, she got pregnant again and the joy of that helped immensely. Plus the knowledge that nature does have a way of putting things right sometimes.

 

That was over thirty years ago and I still think of it occasionally - not with a great pain but a regret. Then I look at my daughters and grandchildren and things seem better again.

 

Don't let people minimise your loss because the baby was not born - but don't let the loss overwhelm you either.

[MummyToAnAngel]

Thanks for the reply first of all, i'am pregnant again and it hasn't eased the pain or made it worse. Im coming up to the 10week stage and im scared stiff i'm going to miscarry again as i miscarried at 10weeks last time. I feel so shítty and i don't know who to turn to?

[lilac_indi]

my sister was very scared when she was expecting my niece cause she had miscarried before her. please dont take any kind of stress on yourself. have you talked to your doctor about this?

[MummyToAnAngel]

Not spoken to my doctor, i feel stupid talking about it. Was talking to a friend earlier and someone said to her, how can you miss someone you've never met? Well it is, i will tell you that for nothing. I feel silly in that way, i know i shouldn't but i do. I find it so hard to talk to people i know. Its even hard to talk to my boyfriend.

[lilac_indi]

i understand. my sister was a mess when she suffered her miscarriage. as for that person saying 'how can you miss someone you have never met?' - that comment was insensitive. even if you have never met you still feel a connection. that baby was a part of you and i know you will never forget. my sister hasnt forgotten either.

 

only you know what you are going through. only someone else who has experienced a miscarriage can understand your true pain and loss.

 

dont be afraid to talk to your doctor about this - maybe he can refer you to someone to help you with your grieving and get over your anxiety of this pregnancy as well??

[mystik]

Not spoken to my doctor, i feel stupid talking about it. Was talking to a friend earlier and someone said to her, how can you miss someone you've never met? Well it is, i will tell you that for nothing. I feel silly in that way, i know i shouldn't but i do.

 

I think it was rather thoughtless of her to share that with you. You can CERTAINLY miss someone you have never met, especially if it were your unborn child!! You are missing something that was a part of you, and I think many of us can understand that. You were very emotionally involved from the start and it only makes sense that you would feel sad still. Also, I think it is only normal that you are worried now with your current pregnancy.

 

It may be hard to talk to the people you know because they may just be feeling a bit awkward with the situation. They know they could never really understand how you feel and probably just don't know what to say. Like lilac said, talk to your doctor. He or she will most likely understand because they have gone through this before, and they can also assure you of that progress and healthy status of your current pregnancy.

 

Anyway, just don't feel silly about this at all. You have a right to feel the way you do and I think it's perfectly normal that you do. DN has some good advice... Good luck*

[MummyToAnAngel]

I won't go see my doctor because im not strong enough to make my self go and sort my self out. Who do i turn to when i can't even turn to my own boyfriend or my mum who im so close to?

[DN]

Yes it was insensitive and shows a complete lack of understanding.

 

I do understand what you mean about worrying about another miscarriage - we both did that as well. So don't think you are over-reacting because you are not. But do speak to your doctor - it's something she should understand and be supportive of because it is a natural and common fear.

 

You are not alone here - what you are going through has happened to many people and you have nothing to feel silly or ashamed about.

 

But try to get the help you need - a stressed mother is not good for the baby so the sooner you can feel more relaxed the better. See your doctor and tell her your concerns.

 

You just wait until you hold your baby - you won't stop smiling.

[lilac_indi]

please go and see your doctor. take your bf or your mum for emotional support. its natural to worry about another miscarriage but please seek help. stress is unhealthy for your baby.

[MummyToAnAngel]

People say theres no such word as can't but i can't and won't go to my GP about it. Like i said im just not strong enough to go and get my self sorted. I know stress isn't good for my unborn baby. I need to open up to my boyfriend but i can't. I need to open up to him before i do to anyone else!

[lilac_indi]

there is no pressure on you. i hope you do eventually find the strength to open up to him (HUGS). however, you can talk about it openly here...we are only to happy to listen

[MummyToAnAngel]

I hope for my self i can open up to him sometime soon. Deep down inside its ripping me apart and i don't know what to do anymore. Most days i feel that bad i just don't want to be here no more.

[lilac_indi]

Most days i feel that bad i just don't want to be here no more.

 

 

please dont think like that. take your time to grieve but look after yourself. eat well and have good night sleep. how has your bf taken the loss? has he talked about it or has he kept it to himself? i really hope you find the strength to open up to open up to him soon

[MummyToAnAngel]

He cried his eyes out that night at the hospital and cried a few time after that. Now he doesn't speak of it. He keeps himself to himself. I don't know how he feels about it.

[lilac_indi]

i am feeling soo bad for you both. i honestly dont know what else i can suggest to help you here. you need to grieve together and help each other through this loss....i honestly hope that day comes soon

[MummyToAnAngel]

I thought even writing my feeling down everyday might help but it hasn't. Still want to hear from people who are going through it now and how you are coping. Thank you for your replies though. xx

[lilac_indi]

no problem. take care of yourself.

[Hope75]

Hey There,

 

I just read your thread and I wanted to give you a big hug.

 

Don't let anyone tell you that you didn't meet your baby. You and your bf created that baby in love and you carried that baby under your heart for 10 weeks. You knew that baby well. It's OK and normal to grieve the loss of a child, even if you never got to hold him or her.

 

I was a little concerned that you said you won't go to your doctor to talk about this. Honey, are you receiving prenatal care? Have you been to the doctor since getting pregnant this time?

 

Sometimes a doctor can help figure out what risk factors you may have for a subsequent miscarriage, and help you to take the steps to keep this baby safe and healthy. I can tell by your posts that you want nothing more than a healthy baby- that's why it's so important to get those appointments made and see that doctor so they can monitor the progress of your baby, and keep you updated too!

 

Doctors and nurses, unfortunately, deal with the loss of a baby all too often- they know well the grief and sorrow that a family feels when the lose a baby, and they are experts at helping parents and families deal with that grief. Ones I have worked with have been very compassionate and understanding. I undestand you feel afraid, but imagine if you went and found out your baby was completely healthy, or that there was something you could do NOW to keep the baby healthy. For your baby, would you want to do that?

 

I am a student nurse (will be a nurse in December when I graduate), and I recently did a clinical rotation on a Maternity Floor at the hospital for 3 months. When a family lost a baby to still birth or miscarriage, one special thing that we offered to them was something called a "memory box" for the lost child.

 

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In this box, parents can put anything from the ultrasound image (if there was one), to congratulations notes from friends and family when they discovered they were pregnant, a small blanket for the baby, a first outfit, a plaque with the baby's name on it...it gives them something tangible to hold onto, something special in remembrance of that precious little angel.

 

Did you name your baby?

 

Sometime giving the baby a name helps to make it real, and to keep him or her close to your heart. If you did not know the sex yet, pick what you feel in your heart that baby was, and give him or her a name. It's OK to make this baby real, and to remember him or her with the love that you felt while he or she was growing inside you.

 

Lastly, there are support groups for parents and families who have suffered a miscarriage or had a stillborn infant. Contact your local hospital's Maternity Ward and see if you can get some information- they generally have the names of some groups on hand. Counseling one on one helps too. Sometimes it just helps to know that you are not the only one that went through this.

 

Don't ever feel ashamed that you loved that baby and that you miss him or her and grieve for that loss. You are human, and you were a mother, even for those brief 10 weeks.

 

Hang in there honey, and call your OB and make an appt- do all you can to bring this next little angel into the world where you can hold and touch him or her.

 

 

((HUGS))

[MummyToAnAngel]

Hi Hope75. Thanks for that.

I never named my baby, didn't know what sex it was. My mum was adamant it was a girl though. I just call my baby my little Angel. When i had the miscarriage, i was offered nothing in the sense of memory box. That sounds like a really good idea though. I never got a scan either as i only got to ten weeks. I have nothing to remember my Angel by really. Apart from the bits and bobs i bought before the miscarriage. Also found a little fluffy feather in my garden that i like to believe my Angel sent me.

 

 

Don't ever feel ashamed that you loved that baby and that you miss him or her and grieve for that loss. You are human, and you were a mother, even for those brief 10 weeks.

 

I don't feel ashamed that i love my baby, it probably sounds like i do from what i said about feeling silly, but thats just about me opening up. Thanks again. xx

[loneliestever]

I have a cousin who lost her baby in an accident, it was traumatic in many ways for her and she didn't like to talk about it but I found out that you really have to let your sadness over the loss out so you can heal properly. There are many things you can do to work on it (with a therapist) there's no need to struggle alone.

 

I guess I have no real advice for you, but I can tell you that my cousin was able to get pregnant again (even if the accident was terrible) and she had an adorable baby girl afterwards.

 

Try not to worry about this new baby, but visit a doctor, it's very important you are told everything is going well.

[MummyToAnAngel]

What forget and move on basically you mean?

[Hope75]

Hi There MtoA,

 

How are you feeling today?

 

I was wondering, since I don't think you answered....

 

Are you getting prenatal care for this pregnancy? Do you have an appt scheduled?

[MummyToAnAngel]

Hi Hope, I'm a little better today i think, thanks.

Everything with the doctors, midwife ect ect is already sorted. Waiting on a phone call from her to come to my house and do some paper work. Not entirly sure what it all is about as i didn't get that far last time.

Thanks for taking the time to ask about me.

[loneliestever]

What forget and move on basically you mean?

 

No, those things are not forgotten, and I don't think anybody would ask you to forget your baby.

It has to do with not letting the experience bring you down or cause you fear and stress you can do without.

 

It's great news you'll be seeing a doctor.