married to a liar

[sucka]

Sorry this is so long:

I always thought my fiance was the world's most perfect man, the only one on the planet that actually doesn't look at porn. He had gone to his best friend's bacelor party and told me that he didn't even go inside while the strippers were there, that he had just sat outside and smoked cigarettes until it was over. When I asked him if he looked at porn, he told me no...he doesn't do that. I asked occasionally because I found it hard to believe that he didn't look at porn or enter his best friend's bachelor party

My little world came crashing down after we were together for about 4 years (which was last October) when I caught him in the middle of the night on my laptop looking at pornography.

This was his reaction..."I'm, so sorry, I'm so sorry"...I just left the room and said nothing. I couldn't sleep...I realized that he had been lying to me all these years...and it made me wonder what else he has lied to me about.

I got my things together and I left for about 5 days. I didn't feel that I could trust him especially when he had boldy and flat out lied to me so many times.

I came home and we made up. I decided to forgive him and bought his story that it was the only lie he had told. I asked him if he ever bought porn on PPV at home and he said NO!

Now, fast forward til July 2006...we get married at the beginning of the month...2 weeks later on our honeymoon he decides that he needs to be honest with me since we are married and tells me that he has seen 4 prostitutes (before me) while he was in the service and he thought that I should know. Okay, not a good time to tell me, wish he had told me this before we were married for the sake of not making me feel trapped, but I would have married him anyway.

Now, I'm so full of suspicion, I don't really trust him and I wonder what else has he left out. I thought that we had such an open relationship. I have been honest and true to him.

Last night, I asked him to please be honest with me...I asked him if he had bought porn on PPV...this time the answer was YES! I was livid because he denied it profusely after I came back from little 5 day trip. I asked him why he did it and he couldn't answer.

I don't think I can trust him anymore...he lies too much for me. I feel that I have been extremely honest with him even about the difficult things and all I have ever gotten from him was lies. I feel so stuck, I've been married less than a month and I feel like I ruined my life by marrying him. I don't want to stay with him and in 10 years think, yup, I should have left him after that first month....

Does anybody have any advice?

[Beyondthesea]

I don't know if I would panic about this as much as you are. He came out to you now, telling you the truth. He obviously felt guilty about it.

 

If it really bothers you that much, tell him the truth. You appreciate him telling you the truth about it. However, if you catch him in a lie, you will leave no questions asked.

 

On the other hand: why do you feel porn is such a horrifying thing? Have you never watched it yourself? I find it spices things up a little bit, but I would be very angry if my fiance was watching it sans me.

[Shadows Light]

Does the idea of PO*RN itself bother you??? Maybe he kept these things from you because he knows you don't like it.

 

PO*RN doesn't bother me, nor does goinig to strip clubs. I'm ok with it. What bothered me was his excessive use of PO*RN and I was not reaping "ANY" of the benefits from it.

 

Your "H" kept this from you purposefully. I can see why you would be upset and why you are questioning what else he lied about.

 

PROSTITUTES!!!! That definitely sends out RED FLAGS and all sorts of SIRENS for me. Especially in this day and age of silent STD's that you end up carrying around like luggage for the rest of your life.

 

Has he ever been tested??? would it even be worth while to ask him and trust his answer?

 

You really have a break in communication and trust here. This has to be addressed NOW...if you want a successful relationship.

 

Seek marriage counseling and see if a 3rd impartial party can help you sort this out.

[Beyondthesea]

Oh yes, I neglected to mention the prostitutes. I would also be veeeeeeery upset about that. That is something that should have come out to you a long time ago in my opinion. Porn I don't have an issue with but prostitutes? Wow.

 

Yes I agree, go seek some marital counseling about this.

[itsallgrand]

sucka, I think this is heavy. You are questioning your marriage and it has only begun. You'll get all sorts of views and advice here, but I would sincerely suggest going to speak to someone you is trained in this - like a pastor, marriage councillor or something.

 

It's just such a large ball of yarn to get into, and a major decision on your part. You need to decide whether you want to continue in this marriage or not. It is good that you discovered this now.

 

I believe you would be able to get an annulment of your marriage still, if you so choose. That might be something you should look into, to see what can be done where you live. Just to know your options.

 

This relationship is in trouble. He betrayed your trust, and that is serious. The man you thought you knew - turns out you probably feel like you don't know who he is anymore, right?

 

You aren't stuck. Just remember that.

[agent1607307371]

First off, I would drag him to the clinic to get tested. Both of you. If you've ever had and form of unprotected sexual contact then he's completely laid your health at risk.

 

Is it the porn that is the poblem, or the lies. Because I have absolutely no problem with porn, but can tell you that if someone lied about it so consistently for so long only to turn around and say "well..." there would be more than a few fireworks.

 

You have to decide if you can regrow your trust in him.

And he has to work at being someone that you feel safe trusting.

[annie24]

First off, I agree with itsallgrand, I think now would be a good time to get some counseling, from either a therapist or a priest. Figure out how to solve the problems in your marriage.

 

I'm a bit concerned about the prostitutes also. But, I know a guy who was in the army for 6 years, stationed in Korea, and he told me that that's a pretty typical occurrence, for guys in the service to go to prostitutes. Doesn't sound too out of the ordinary. But definitely, you both need to get tested for diseases!

 

As for the porn... I must be the only woman in the world that truly doesn't care. I don't care if my guy watches it, either alone or with me. As long as I am getting attention and love, I don't care. I get concerned about porn when it seems to be taking over one's life, becoming an addiction, and they would rather watch porn than be with me. (luckily, I've never been in that situation).

 

have you ever tried watcing porn with him together? there's a lot of porn out there that's targeted for women... like nicer lighting, sets, somewhat of a plot, and hot hunky men!

 

I bet part of the reason that he hides this from you so much is that he knows how much you hate it.

 

Do you two have a satisfying sexual relationship?

[Boughtandpaidfor]

Does he lie to you about stuff that isnt about sex? because maybe he just has trouble talking about sex? I mean its one thing not to be proud of seeing prostitutes but that was before he met you right? And some people are really ashamed of looking at porn

 

Do you care- or do you care he lied? If he'd been open about it would you have left him?

[InaneCathode]

Sorry this is so long:

*stuff*

 

Except from the prostitute parts, i'd say hes not a terrible person. He's made some mistakes and told some lies that perhaps he told to save your feelings.

Aside from that, i'd suggest you have a real problem with porn for whatever reason, roots of which should probably be investigated.

[sucka]

I appreciate all of you taking the time to answer my post.

 

Re: Prostitutes, yes he saw them before we were together and we had us both tested for all STD's before we slept with each other the first time which was 4 1/2 years ago. I have since been tested twice more; however, I do plan on being tested again now. (My mom caught an STD from my dad which left her with scar tissue in her uterus, so I guess I have some trust issues and don't want to risk my ability to one day have kids.) I don't really know what to think of a man who see's prostitutes. I overall don't respect it because I feel that he is exploiting her...since my uneducated assumption would be that these are women of lower class and lower opportunity...that really disgusts me that he would take advantage of that situation to satsify his sexual needs without regard for the woman.

 

Re: Porn and the lying...I do have a huge problem with both. First, the porn is a problem for me because it makes me feel that he is fantasizing about other women, and I KNOW that he would hate to think that I bring myself to orgasm fantasizing about other men. In addition and more importantly it makes me feel as if he is not attracted to me. I know that I'm attractive to other men, but I only care that HE is attracted to ME. Him looking at porn especially behind my back just takes the whole thing to another level for me. I have dated other guys who looked at porn, but they were honest about it and it didn't bother me at all. Since my fiance and now husband felt the need to lie to me about it makes it all so suspicious. I feel that he thinks he is doing something wrong...or else, why lie? He told me that he looked at it while in the Marine Corps, but said he didn't do it anymore since he had me.

 

I know that I don't want to get a divorce, but I also don't want to waste my life away with someone who can't be honest with me. I've made some unsavory choices in my past and I have been honest with him. It scares me to think that I am with someone that I don't really know. He says that NOW everything is on the table and he is being honest, but he said that the last time when I actually had to catch him in a lie. I wish he didn't wait until after we were married to set his conscious free and tell me about the prostitutes and the extra details about the porn.

 

I feel really embarrassed to see a counselor...he offered to go to one with me, but I don't trust him to be honest with a counselor if he can't be completely honest with me.

[sucka]

No, I wouldn't have left him had he been honest with me in the first place. I may have been a little pissed, but I overall would have been glad that he was just honest.

[sucka]

annie 24, to answer your question, our sex life was good. We have our good periods and our bad. But after he I caught him looking at porn and decided to stay with him...sex became awesome. He said that he was just so happy that I didn't leave him that he wanted to make sure that he pleased me...he did for a while...and then things returned from fantastic to good.

 

I think I haven't really ever completely recovered from catching him look at porn. My trust was affected. Ever since then, I prefer to have a Long Island or two to feel relaxed and confident enough to let go and I normally hate to drink. (That really bothers him, but I can't help but think of him comparing me to other women so alcohol helps me put it out of my mind.) I definitely don't drink every time we have had sex after that...it's actually unusual, but I do notice I have a better time if I do.

[growingwiser]

Here's a support board for porn addicts and partners of porn addicts.

 

link removed

[annie24]

so sucka.... was specifically bothers you about porn? have you ever tried watching it with him?

 

to be honest with you, I'd have to say that 95% of men out there look at porn to one degree or another. even if you got really mad and divorced your husband, chances are, the next guy you meet would have a worse porn habit than your husband's.

 

well, how bad is it? how often does he watch porn? (or you catch him?)

[Momene]

As a bloke, yes, I sometimes look at porn and sometimes we look at it together. If he looks at it from time to time, yes, it's normal. If he's doing it often and running up bills for paying to look at it, it's the same as being an alcoholic. Any sort of addiction is harmful, even my addiction to astronomy and my neice's to chocolate.

[Apple]

Im so sorry your feelings were hurt. Im inclined to say I can somewhat understand from a women's perspective how it makes you feel when someone you love gets so wrapped in sexual things without you. I try to be patient with my bf occasional surfing (especially considering I like to occasionally read erotic things myself) but it still hurts for some reason.

 

But...If I may ask, (Ive been lied to about this also at one time) why do men lie? Are they ashamed? Is it just too personal? Do they feel overwhelmed with sexual feelings that they cant express their feelings with their partner.

 

I have sought porn in relationships usually for physical gratification only, I dont even look at the peoples faces (unless I want to puke). Is it the same for men just on a scale of a million times more?

[Momene]

Im so sorry your feelings were hurt. Im inclined to say I can somewhat understand from a women's perspective how it makes you feel when someone you love gets so wrapped in sexual things without you. I try to be patient with my bf occasional surfing (especially considering I like to occasionally read erotic things myself) but it still hurts for some reason.

 

But...If I may ask, (Ive been lied to about this also at one time) why do men lie? Are they ashamed? Is it just too personal? Do they feel overwhelmed with sexual feelings that they cant express their feelings with their partner.

 

I have sought porn in relationships usually for physical gratification only, I dont even look at the peoples faces (unless I want to puke). Is it the same for men just on a scale of a million times more?

 

I think even if men (and many women) are physically faithful, they can be attracted to others but most of the time it's superficial.

[Rabican]

Well as you just got married, and divorces can be messy id not be ready to throw in the towell just yet... id be holding it high ready to make the toss though.

 

Heres what I would do.

 

Sit him down, and explain how you feel that he has lied to you, broken your trust etc. I would ask him why he lied (just see what he says) and then tell him that you will give him a one time pass to get anything he needs to get out, out in the open. Tell him from this point that honesty is the #1 thing he can provide in this relationship. If he continues to lie.. then he is a habitual liar... and probably not someone you can be with.

 

Id give it one last chance (only because you already married him) and see how it goes.