LDR Failed!!!

[Gator]

Hi,

 

 

 

About 6 months ago, my girlfriend of 2 years and myself started having a long distance relationship. I had to move about 100 miles away for a job. I told her we would see each other on weekends and talk all the time and everything would be all right. She did not want me to go, we were planning on moving in together had I stayed in the city. She said that it will be too hard to have a LDR but she agreed to try it.

 

 

 

 

About 4 months ago, she said she "wanted some space" to find herself. I was fine with this at the time, and thought it a good idea. I was irritated with her because she was being very moody and didn't seem happy to see me on the weekends. And We had been through this once before and when we got back together we were much closer.

 

 

 

 

Last week she told me that she was going to start dating someone else, an old friend. All of the sudden, I lost it, I got very jealous and couldn't talk to her for a week. All I could do was remember the good times and I forgot all the moodiness and bad times. I talked to her yesterday to see if there was any hope for us. I didn't beg, but I made it clear I wanted her back and that I would be more affectionate and loving(I had been neglectful and I think this cuased her moodiness with me). Anyway, I told her all of this and she said she wished we had this conversation three months ago, but it was too late now. She is enjoying this other guy and doesn't want to move backwards with me. She loved me as a person, but not romantically. She said we made the best of friends but not lovers.

 

 

 

 

I then told her I wished her well, but i can't talk to her anymore. I would have to cut off contact and move on. She was definitely saddened when I told her this but she understood.

 

 

 

 

I miss her so much and I can't stop thinking about her. I am torturing myself with all the things I did wrong and I just want her back. The thought of her with someone else makes me sick. I keep fantasizing that she will call me and want to try again.

 

 

WHy do I Beat myself up and forget all the bad times and just glorify the good ones and blame myslef for making her moody by being neglectful, etc?

[VeganBohemian]

Because you think you could have changed it if you would have done things differently. I would try and go with the old adage that if it didn't work out, that means she wasn't the one. If she was, there probably wouldn't have been anything you could have done to make her leave you. For instance, she could have went with you.

 

Perhaps she feels hurt that you chose the job over moving in with her. I know I would have been thinking a mediocre job should be fine as long as we are together, love is the greatest happiness, etc. Maybe she needs that permenance of living together and seeing each other everyday.

 

I know what she means by "moving backwards", seeing each other only on weekends instead of moving in together.

 

Regret is an awful feeling. Knowing she would still be with you if you had acted different must feel terrible. But, if you loved her as much as you think you do, you wouldn't have went.

[Aragorn]

 

I miss her so much and I can't stop thinking about her. I am torturing myself with all the things I did wrong and I just want her back. The thought of her with someone else makes me sick. I keep fantasizing that she will call me and want to try again.

 

 

WHy do I Beat myself up and forget all the bad times and just glorify the good ones and blame myslef for making her moody by being neglectful, etc?

 

OK,

 

PLEASE allow me to share my story... I am also in along distance relationship surrently.

 

I live in Canada and she is in the USA. BY CAR it is 20 HOURS, I never have driven it.

 

We have only been together 4 times in 1 3/4 years. An not for more than 2 weeks at a time.

 

In the next fews days I am not sure what is going to happen, we definitely LOVE each other, but we are struggling with everything because neither of us can make a move right now. I am in school and she is in debt...

 

So we might be breaking off... to which I'll proablly further post on here...

 

But at any rate,

 

 

I find that a * * * *ty strike to you, sounds like she didn't share some feelings of hard ships while you guys were together.

 

That wasn;t fair of her to just drop like that, for that part of the story I am quite sorry to hear things like that actually happen.

 

Why do you feel the way you do? She may have been a great catch other wise, and no doubt made sacrifices dude to be with this gal...

 

I have found that with the FEW woman I have loved and lost (only one) I ALWAYS beated myself up for doing things wrong, and I said or did a bad thing that lead to the whole destruction...

 

It is guilt of lost love, and by your feelings I guess you can sum up that you did love her.

 

 

Love hurts, and I know that is * * * * to hear. Sounds like though there isn't much chance of it happening again.

 

 

Move on? It'll be your move. As you have said sounds like ( * * * *ty enough) that she has hooked up woth someone else. IF my gal did that to me, I couldn't talk to her again either man. Is that my suggestion? I would say so as tuff as that may be.

 

 

Best wishes man, from another guy who might be joining the club...

 

*blessing*,

 

 

Matt

[Gator]

Vegan,

 

Thank you for your reply, and I think you are correct about some of the things you say. When I think back and try to place myself in the past, it is like I was on auto pilot. I wasn't really behaving consciously in the relationship. There were definitely times where I fantasized about breaking up with her and things she did really annoyed me.

 

Its weird, I am in a completely different state of mind now, I see things that were not apparent to me then. I cant explain it. It is like having a completely different perspective. I just wish I had another chance, but at the smae time, I have to ask myself why I wasn't happy in the relationship at that moment. Am I completely discounting the negative and just fiiltering in the positve times?

 

I can say that she was not the one and it wasnt meant to be, but what if I acted from the perspective that I feel now? I know this is impossible, and I will carry it with me to help my next relationship, but I can't help but wonder if she was the one, and I blew it by acting unconsciosuly.

 

Life is weird!

[Gator]

Aragorn,

 

Thank you for your kind words. I am sorry that you are going through hard times in your relationship now. LDR's are tough, sometimes I think they are impossible. I wish you the best and I hope thimgs work out the way you want them to. How long have you been together?

 

She tried to discuss her feelings with me, but I tried to reassure her that things would be OK, and I didn't want to make a big deal of them, I wanted to be strong for both of us. I definitely regret not taking the issues seriously now. Like I said in my previous post, I feel like I am coming from a completely diiferent mindset now.

 

I sincerely hope things work out for you, and my advice to you is to make sure that she knows how exactly how you feel. Dont assume anything. I kept a lot of things to myself and I just expected her to know how I felt. This was naive and I really regret not being more vulnerable. Tell her how you feel and dont leave anything out. Good luck my friend.

 

S

[Aragorn]

Hey thanks man,

 

I actually do tell her everything, and in some ways that can backfire... especially if I talk about sexual frustration, or girls that I though were cute and I wish she was here to keep me from thinking those things...

 

She worries that I am lonely (and we both are really) and she insists on not being the one to MAKE me lonely... LDR are complicated, what can I say.

 

They are indeed difficult, IMPOSSIBLE? YES to last AS A LDR forever.

 

BOTTOM LINE, one person has to commit to move to where the other is in a certain time period, else it just won't work... IMO.

 

I have been told that BOTH should move to a completely new place of origin, haha just to be fair... not a bad idea either... I guess.

 

I would NOT have a problem moving to her, but I have 4 more YEARS of school left and I am taking a year off to work... out of money and the banks here SUCK!

 

 

We technically "broke up" Sunday night (24 hours ago), and well I am not sure what to say. I guess she needs time to evaluate what she wants in life... for a 27 year old seems VERY teenagerish to me, I mean SUCH a SOAP OPERA move...

 

 

In your case, I guess it like a regualr relationship in the respect that you are feeling regret over the things you didn't (and perhaps did) do... It is a cruel saying to plain out say 'learn from it" I HATED that, especially when I lost someone I loved... I mean you wanted (me in my regard) to work...

 

But if it is over, it is perhaps the only contrsutive thing left to obatin.

 

 

Matt