Wow...didn't see this coming.

[daregveda]

If you've been following my posts for the past 6 months since she left, you've probably noticed I've been posting less and less the longer we've been apart. I'm no longer obsessing about her and have come to terms with not being together anymore, even starting to appreciate all the good that's came out of everything. I've suspected for a while now that she has been missing me, though, and trying to keep me in her life by asking me for favors; particularly borrowing money, which she has a lot more of than I have. Even though she said she wanted me to move on, my doing just that hasn't seemed to make her any happier...she gets angry very easily towards me. I don't really understand why, since she's the one who dumped me. And my daughter has been saying she wants to come and live with me, in light of her mother's constant bad mood and neglectful behavior.

 

Yesterday was my first day off from work for a while and she agreed to bring our daughters down so they could watch a movie with me. We had arrainged this the day before, and she called me a few minutes after I got out of class. This seemed outside of her character, normally it's me calling her when it's time for a visit with our daughters. She raved about this movie she just watched (Green Street Hooligans, in case anyone cares), told me I absolutely HAD to see it and offered to lend it to me...once again, not like her at all. When she dropped them off with the DVD, she mentioned something about not having anything to do until she picked up the girls; I asked if they were hungry and if she wanted to go with us to get something to eat. She said yes. I wasn't really expecting her to, I was just being polite...a couple of weeks ago I had asked her to go swimming with us, and it turned into a pretty ugly fight that kept cropping up for a few days afterward. She seemed to have no qualms this time, though, and we ended up spending the rest of the day together as a family! Nothing about the relationship or breakdown thereof of was mentioned, we went to Ribfest, went to the ballpark for beers and soda and out for pizza. We came home and watched a movie together while the girls went to bed. We talked, laughed, I flirted with her a little without any expectations and made it a (subtle) point to let her know that I wasn't seeing the girl I had been going out with anymore. She stayed until well past midnight and when the movie was over, she went to wake the girls and leave, I told her just to let them sleep and come for them in the morning. I hugged her, she thanked me for everything and told me she had fun and left seeming happier than I've seen her in a long time.

 

I'm being careful not to get my hopes up, but now I'm thinking that maybe I had given up too easily. When we were alone last night, the girls both asleep upstairs, I didn't have the balls to make a move...and it probably would have been unwise to begin with. But if we can spend the entire afternoon and evening together like that and have that much fun, maybe we'll both be re-evaluating this breakup and coming to the decision that 13 years together means more than anything that's happed in the past 6 months.

[DN]

Hmmm - guard your heart. One good day doesn't heal a relationship. I am not trying to be pessimistic but you need a lot stronger signal than that before you should get your hopes up.

 

See how she is over the next while - but don't make any moves on her. Let her come to you, that way you will know that she probably means it.

[pacopaco]

good move in not making a move. With two daughters, maybe there's more to lose for the both og you. Keep doing what you're doing. keep being polite to her, and keep her at the distance she wanted to keep in the first place. she dumped you, after all.

maybe the distance and time will give you both a much needed outlook on what you have and what you had.

Again, good move in not making a move. she probably wanted you too, which is why she was over late with the girls in bed.

[Siriana]

I think it is a great thing you didn't sleep with her. This way if she's interested in sorting things out (and you will find that out) you will have more solid and mature ground for doing so. At this point sex would mean complications. Good luck

[Bethany]

I'm with the rest, don't make a move on her. Somewhere down the line, "it will be all your fault!!!!" if things go bad again, even though it's not so.

 

Let her come to you, it's working so far, so stick with what you have been doing.

[daregveda]

She came to get the girls and drove me to my school so I could get caught up on some work. We both have the day off from work, so I told her if she wanted to do something later to give me a call; she said she would. The ball's in her court...if she calls, fine, if not, that's fine too. I'm hoping she does, but maybe a few days for her to think might not be a bad idea. She knows I'm available, she's commented on my appearance (I've lost 30 pounds, started dressing better and shaving daily since she's been gone), she knows I have a good job and a 4.0 gpa in school. My daughters always want to be with me and I with them...these are all things I'm sure she will be thinking about. Everything she loved about me for so long is still there with plenty of improvements that she knows I've been making for myself.

[Fisch]

I agree, if she wants you back the impetus should come from her, and you should just be yourself. If she does start feeling like she wants to come back it is not going to be because you tried really hard. You want there to be no doubt in her mind that it was HER decision whatever that decision may be. The distance you kept and the actions you took that day were right on the money in my opinion, because you were just being polite and enjoying her company not trying to make her do anything, not putting any pressure on her. This is to protect YOU as well, you are clearly a level minded guy. Im sorry for your situation good luck!

[daregveda]

Spoke to her once this weekend, she had asked if I would copy some VCDs for her. I'm supposed to call her when I get a day off so she can come and do some laundry at the house. I have no idea how to proceed, but I plan to make the most of any time I get to spend with her. There's too much at stake to rush into anything, but I realize now that I will never really be over her and I will never have given up on us altogether.

[Fisch]

Ok man, but if you sense that things are going nowhere and you are just doing favors for her dont let her pull you around, deal?!

[Riggz41510]

Good luck for you guys if it works out.. Just be real cautious, I have been down the same road with my ex 2 times and both times it didn't work..

 

But I hope for your sake and your children's sake you guys can pull it together.. I'm rooting for you!!

[daregveda]

Thanks guys. At the very least, maybe spending some time with her will make it easier for us to get along. We will be in each other's lives at least until our youngest daughter grows up and leaves home, and I'm not looking forward to weekly arguments for the next 15-20 years. Until our outing last week, there seemed to be some hurt and resentment on her part that I don't quite understand.

 

I talked to her last night and asked her if she wanted to do some laundry at my house later this week. We worked it out that she would come after work, which will be late at night. We will be alone together. My hopes aren't terribly hihg, but she did seem to agree pretty quickly without giving it much thought.

[daregveda]

She came over last night as planned. Nothing happened, not that I expected much; we watched a movie, had a nice conversation and she left a couple of hours later. I didn't make any moves or get the impression that she wanted me to, except for the fact that she came over dressed nicer than usual. That and the fact that she came over so late, by herself, at all. I helped her carry the laundry to the car when it was finished, she thanked me and asked if I still wanted to get the girls this weekend.

 

At the least, it's a breaking of the ice between us. I'm just wondering if the time we've been spending with each other is an indication that she wants something more, or will lead to her wanting something more in the future.

 

Any thoughts on this?

[Fisch]

As far as I am concerned it seems like it is still up in the air, maybe she is just trying to be nice to the father of her children, maybe she is slowly moving towards a relationship. Don't get impatient, keep it subtle and very friendly, avoid fights, be level headed, and be a good father because all those things give you the best shot that you have, and are good things to do anyway, good luck man!

[daregveda]

I'm sure it's definitely unresolved as far as she's concerned. I had told her the other night about "open-mic night" at a local bar on wednesdays and told her she should come with me...her response was that she was always off on wednesdays. If I don't hear from her by then, I'll be calling her in two days to see if she's still interested. Too bad she quit drinking...

 

When she picked them up saturday, my three-year old gave me a kiss and asked her mommy if she wanted to kiss me too; she just shook her head "no". I'm sure it didn't mean anything, but it was a little heartbreaking. Seems like I'm not the only one holding a little hope for all this to work out.

[Captain34]

There are children involved here, of course there will be a higher level of caution even with reconciliation. Keep that in mind, both in interpreting her actions and deciding on your own.

 

I find personally that things get the worst when I try to analyze things too much - looking into every little thing and trying to construct where the ex stands - that is a bad idea. Keep in your mind where you seem to be at with her NOW, BY HER ACTIONS, and don't change your diagnosis of the situation until there appears to be a noteworthy change. This way you can relax and not think about it so much. Trust me, it helps your state of mind.

 

First, she sin't going to kiss you in front of your daughters until she is AT LEAST 90% sure she wants to get back together....but she could be 89% sure (definitely more than 50%, see below)....or she just could have been taken off guard by your daughter's question, as you were, and not known how to react.

 

She is definietly interested (but cautious as I said) because she keeps coming over late and for what you listed above. So do not fret about things! You are in a position many, many enotaloners wish they were in, so consider yourself fortunate, act like a strong, confident man that can support a wife and two daughters, and don't worry about it. Then you can post some advice for everyone else who needs direction...

 

(Advice below is questionable, get a second opinion or more before following)

You may need to make some sort of move in the future, but not yet, patienceis a virtue my friend, embrace it. However, that doesn't mean avoid everything physical....just no sex right now. It all starts with a kiss, so when teh time is right make it happen, but then stop there.

 

Good luck man let me know hwo things work out.

[daregveda]

She showed up for our "date" as planned and I was a little surprised. She doesn't drink, but we went to a local bar I've started frequenting since she left and listed to some live bands play. Later, we went around the corner to another bar and played some pool. By all appearances, she had a great time; I hadn't seen her laugh like that in quite a while.

 

Again, I was careful not to spoil the mood by making any advances...Just a little subtle flirting here and there. We were out for almost 4 hours; as we were leaving I told her I had fun and that next time we should go out to eat. She looked at me and said "you know that we're just doing this as friends, right?" I said "sure", she told me "good, I don't want you to get the wrong idea."

 

What the hell?

 

I had no expectations about last night, but hoped I was building a foundation for something more than "friends" in the future; I gave her no reason to assume otherwise. She just worked 60 hours in 5 days and set aside her only night off to go out and have some fun with me.

 

I don't understand what's happening.

[Captain34]

you gave your cards up too soon man..i would not have brought up going out again while you were still out on that "date". by doing that you show that no matter what she says or does at the ending of that date you still want to see her again. let her think about how much fun she had after that date and make a move....i would have responded to her question saying "yea, i think i'm clearer about that than you are." stop interpreting things man, sometimes you just gotta let things play out, and if you push it you may end your shot for it playing out how you want it to. pull back for a bit, give yourself 3 get out of contacting her cards and use one when you get the urge to contact her.

[daregveda]

Some ugliness over the weekend...AGAIN. She had called me about our family wireless plan; I had went over in minutes and she wanted me to pay her. Told her I would give her the money in a few installments (it's not due till next month and I live on tips). This was not good enough, she wanted it all and right away. Things escalated, as usual, until we were both saying hurtful things to each other.

 

Apparently when we went out the other night, I had brushed against her once or twice while navigating around the crowded bar/pool table. This was her justification for saying what she had said to me on our way home...that I had "kept touching her". She saw this as a sign that I was "getting the wrong idea" and she "didn't want anything right now".

 

She also said I didn't want to help her unless she was with me; I asked why that was such a surprise...she had taken away what mattered to me the most...my family, and I had no real desire to make things easier for her. I told her that it seemed the only aspect of our relationship she wanted to hold on to was me being there for her when she needed me, which was the only time she ever called. I have paid off all the bills that were in her name, bought my daughters anything she has told me they needed and given her gas money when she brought them to visit me. I told her that I owed her nothing, she called me lazy and I started to laugh. I'm a full-time student with a full-time job who did everything in his power to make things work for our family while she just turned around and walked away. I told her that I had noone I could ask for help, while she had her relatives who supported her decision to break up her daughters' home; if she needed help, she should ask them...and if not, she should send the girls to live with me since she can't seem to take care of them on her own.

 

Apparently being friends with her is as much of a pipe dream as being with her. I tried to call last night to tell her I had her money, she didn't answer or return my call. That was the last time I'll call. Future visits with my daughters will be set up over the phone with my oldest. It's been 6 months and we can't seem to get along for more than a few days at a time and I can't keep this up anymore.

[daregveda]

She called me twice yesterday, once to find out if I had the day off, presumably to see if I wanted to see the girls...told her I did but had plans. Called a few minutes later to ask if she could pick up the weed trimmer I had borrowed from her...told her she could, but she never showed up to get it. Her tone both times was as though nothing had ever happened, but I ended both conversations abrubptly and went on about my business.

 

It hurts me to shut her out, but I don't know what else to do. I want her back, or at least for us to get along, and it doesn't seem like either is going to happen. She seems dertermined to keep me in her life, but I don't want to be there under these circumstances.