His parents are interfering with our relationship

[Vinoa]

My bf and I have been dating for about 6 months now. I really enjoy being with him and care for him a ton. However, we have a bit of a distance between us. About 2 hours (only about 45 minutes once I'm back at college) and lately I've been feeling like I never get to see him. And it's not like we're too busy either.

We've had several opportunities to see each other but his parents are restricting him from seeing me. They're kind of old-school and "don't believe" in him seeing me every weekend or even every other weekend. On those rare occasions where he does see me, he's not allowed to spend the night so we usually only get to see each other for a few hours before he has to drive back. It's not that I dislike his parents, they're always nice to me, but I'm getting very frustrated and irritable that I can never see my boyfriend! He's nearly 20 years old! I don't want to end the relationship because of this but I'm can't keep this up.

 

Any advice on this? Please help!

 

-Vinoa

[annie24]

welcome to enotalone.

 

I take it your bf is also 18? you both are adults now, don't let your parents control your lives. is there a reason why you both still live with your parents?

 

I can understand why they would be upset about their teenage son seeing his gf too often, but you two are adults now, time to tell your parents you are not children anymore.

 

can he move out of his house?

[Vinoa]

Hi Annie24,

 

No, my bf is 19 and I'll be 19 in another week. I still live with my parents because I'm only home when I'm not at school and he still lives with his parents because it's convenient. I've been trying to talk him into possibly moving out. He's have his degree in another year so I don't see the need for him to stay at home.

 

Every time we talk about this subject he always says he doesn't know what to say.

 

Thanks so much for the advice though. I agree, we are adults now and he shouldn't let his parents control his own life.

[Ash]

Not meaning to sound harsh, but unfortunately one of the privledges you give up in living with your parents (and presumably having them provide room and board) is the total freedom to do what you want when you want. The ulitmate way around this level of control is to move out of home which is of course a costly endeavour. Perhaps one way forward would be for you both to offer to pay a portion of what it costs to keep you (perhaps you do already). This might have them understand you want to be treated as adults.

[annie24]

I agree with Ash. Even though I said that you are both adults, and need to be treated like it, self-suffiecient adults live on their own and pay for their own room and board.

 

So, he can't exactly do whatever he wants, seeing as how it is his parents' house. So if he wants to live his own life, he needs to move out.

 

I know I personally wouldn't put up with this situation. But I am a few years older, and out of college. I'd be a little weirded out if a guy who lived with his parents wasn't allowed to sleep over at my place. This relationship would be over quite fast, as I would see that the umbilical cord wasn't cut yet.

[RayKay]

I guess I am going to be a strict parent in the future because I feel that if you live under your parents roof, whether you are 16, 18 or 22, you need to respect their rules, of course you can discuss things with them as an adult and compromise on some things, but if they don't want him sleeping over, or need him to do some chores at home since they are paying for him to live and eat...well, that is their right.

 

Now, of course if you move out, you can do whatever the heck you want. Of course, that brings in it's own responsibilities which is a whole other ball of wax.

 

If he really wants this to change, he CAN sit down with them as an adult and talk to them about it and how he wants to make his own choices about when he sees you, but if it seems he is also willing to abide to the rules at which point, well, it's really out of your control. Though of course you can decide then maybe you need someone more independent in themself, and move on.

[DN]

Is there a cultural or religious reason for them acting like this?

[annie24]

Yeah, one of the royal members on here recently wrote about how she had a somewhat similar conflict with her parents at that age, so she decided to start paying her parents rent, so she had the freedom to come and go as she pleased.

 

The situation eventually got smoothed out.

 

But I agree with raykay, if he is alright with this situation, I'm not sure what you can do....

[Vinoa]

Is there a cultural or religious reason for them acting like this?

 

No, or at least none that I know of. His parents are just really strict.

[Sally00]

I see my boyfriend every weekend too and sometimes on weekdays (not last because his parents got pissed at him for something stupid). We live about 20-30 minutes apart. He's almost 20 and I'm 20. We've been dating for 6 months. His parents can be assw!pes too. That's just the way it is sometimes. He's trying to get another job and save money to move out. He's also just living at home for the convenience... it's close to college so why move out? But uh, can't you understand the fact that they don't want ya'll spending the night together? That's something I wouldn't want ya'll to do if I were YOUR parents. Something like that is pretty understandable.

 

All I can say is talk to him and come up with a solution.

[Vinoa]

But uh, can't you understand the fact that they don't want ya'll spending the night together? That's something I wouldn't want ya'll to do if I were YOUR parents. Something like that is pretty understandable.

 

We're not having sex. We don't plan on it now or anytime soon. His parents and mine both know that we have made abstinence pledges.

[Bethany]

I'd be tempted to ask him when exactly does he think he's going to be his own man and do what he wants and at what age does he think that he should be able to come and go as he pleases.

 

Being controlled by your parents at 20 is ridiculous, even if you are still living at home. He must choose this for himself.

[DN]

If I were advising him I would not talk to him as if he's being immature or a wimp. That will not help. But I would suggest that he talk to his parents, adult to adult, and tell them that although he is grateful to them for all they have done for him and respects their wishes and realises that it is their house, he had decided that it is time he made his own decisions. If they cannot accept that then he will have to make alternate living arrangements.

[Bethany]

If I were advising him I would not talk to him as if he's being immature or a wimp. That will not help. But I would suggest that he talk to his parents, adult to adult, and tell them that although he is grateful to them for all they have done for him and respects their wishes and realises that it is their house, he had decided that it is time he made his own decisions. If they cannot accept that then he will have to make alternate living arrangements.

 

Obviously in her own words, not mine.

[Sally00]

We're not having sex. We don't plan on it now or anytime soon. His parents and mine both know that we have made abstinence pledges.

Neither are my boyfriend and I. But I think the more you sleep together and the more opportunities there are of you two doing it, the most likely your pledges will go downhill. Just saying. It's good that you plan on being abstinent though. It's rare these days...

[BellaDonna]

Yeah, one of the royal members on here recently wrote about how she had a somewhat similar conflict with her parents at that age, so she decided to start paying her parents rent, so she had the freedom to come and go as she pleased.

 

The situation eventually got smoothed out.

 

Twas me.... lol:

 

 

 

I'm not so sure the way I handeled it was the best or most respectful , but it worked for me....

 

I had to battle for that freedom... If your BF is "ok" with things the way they are and does not want to take a stand- the situation may not change.

 

 

BellaDonna

[Dara]

I'd be tempted to ask him when exactly does he think he's going to be his own man and do what he wants and at what age does he think that he should be able to come and go as he pleases.

 

Being controlled by your parents at 20 is ridiculous, even if you are still living at home. He must choose this for himself.

I agree, its your parent's house not a prison. As long as they know that you are safe why should they care?