An Update on My Situation...

[Jayar]

Well, I saw my ex last night. After a 2.5 year relationship we broke up two weeks ago, and he recently e-mailed me and wanted to know how I was doing, yada yada yada (exactly how AM I supposed to be doing after he broke up with me?!)

 

Basically long story short, we talked a lot about us. He said he is confused and needs to work through things, but that he would like to remain in touch while he does that. He said that he is deciding now whether he wants to be with me for the rest of his life, and that will take some time but he doesn't know how much time (could be a day, weeks, months...) I told him I cannot be "friends" with him there is just too much feeling on my part. I told him that we should not speak to or see one another until such time as he decides he wants to be with me for the rest of his life.

 

We talked about the past, we laughed, we joked. I asked him on a scale of 1 to 10 where was he in terms of trying to work the relationship out... He said he's right on the fence and he isn't sure WHY he wasn't happy, or what was missing but he wants to make sure that if we DO decide to be together it's for all the right reasons.

 

He hugged me and he said he knows this is hurting me and he's so sorry, but he can't help it... I told him that I can only deal with this if I figure we are over forever and there is no chance for us. I told him that I need to know that the next time I hear from him (if that time ever comes) it will be because he has decided to spend the rest of our lives together, whenever that time might be. I told him I cannot wait, but I don't care WHEN that time comes, I do want to hear from him. Then I said goodbye... He said "I will see you later" and I said "you don't know that" and he said "I'm not saying goodbye to you..." I told him that was his choice, told him I love him (he said he loves me too and that was NEVER something he questioned) and then again I said goodbye, and told him to follow his heart, and that wherever it leads him is where he belongs...

 

Again, he said "see you later..."

 

I'm trying not to make a big deal of it, trying to move on as planned. In a way there is a great sense of relief because I KNOW we won't be in limbo... It's over and I am to move on unless and until I hear otherwise from him which may or may not ever happen. I cannot DWELL on it. It's hard because of the way we left one another, with him leaving a seed of hope in my mind and heart... But at the same time I keep telling myself that he found it in his heart to break up with me even after planning our future together for the past 2.5 years, so can I really believe or have faith in what he SAYS anyway?

 

It's in God's hands now... Whatever His plans are, whether my ex and I are to be together, or we are both going to find people who make us happier than we were with one another.

 

Thanks for reading. Definitely any thoughts or 3rd party insight is appreciated!

[RayKay]

Hey Jayar,

 

I do too think that you need to just focus on it being over and move forward with that.

 

Right now, he is showing a display of...uncertainity. But in my opinion, that is about the same as "no" because really, he would not be the first to display "confusion" because in some way they want you to hang on.

 

I don't want to be a downer, it's just I have heard all those same words before, and at the time they gave me hope to hold on. But down the road I realized "damn it, if someone wants to be with me, they would KNOW it, and not need to "mull it over" as to whether they wanted to be with me or not". That realization came more so when I found a relationship where it was definitely known.

 

I don't want to be negative, I just want you to truly focus on moving forward is all.

 

Good luck and happy healing

 

- RayKay

[Jayar]

Thanks RayKay I COMPLETELY agree with you, which is why I said absolutely no contact whatsoever, and I have to just work on getting over the relationship... If somewhere down the road he makes up his mind, it will either be a nice surprise and we can try and make things work, or I might simply not want to bother either because I'm in a relationship I am happy with or I am just over us.

 

Another thing he did say was that a big concern of his is that he'll be the "most hated guy" in my family if we did get back together, making me think he was considering it but this worried him. Family is BIG for both of us. I told him that I never spoke down about him, said we were taking some time apart but didn't really make any decision as to whether we would get back together or not. I told him not to worry about that aspect of things. He also said he told his parents that we had split up, but when they asked if we would get back together he told them he didn't know. May or may not be true... Probably is true he doesn't know, but doesn't mean much under the circumstances.

[drninja]

I think you handled that incredibly well. Much better than I took it when my partner of 1.5 years gave me practically the exact same treatment. Did you have a feeling that it was coming, or did he throw it at you out of the blue? I can't even fathom acting that composed in my situation, as 5 minutes previous we were leaving an art museum on a date and laughing/joking with eachother.

 

In any case, I think the way you are pushing forward with no contact is probably the best for both of you, as well as your mindset that it's already completely over. It will make it a hell of a lot easier to get over the situation, and if he comes back then, well, that's great, but if he doesn't then you won't have to mend your broken heart all over again. I have not done the no contact thing, and I still occasionally talk to/see my ex and sometimes it can be pretty tough, especially when she seems like she's enjoying life so much more than when she was with me.

[Jayar]

I think you handled that incredibly well. Much better than I took it when my partner of 1.5 years gave me practically the exact same treatment. Did you have a feeling that it was coming, or did he throw it at you out of the blue? I can't even fathom acting that composed in my situation, as 5 minutes previous we were leaving an art museum on a date and laughing/joking with eachother.

 

I think I saw the actual breakup coming for a little while... Pretty well things started going downhill when we were talking about moving in together, signing the lease, etc... I've been really on edge for the past 2 or 3 months.

 

I did not handle the ACTUAL breakup so well. I cried, I begged, I acted so stupid. This meeting I wrote about here was the first (and last) time I've seen him since the breakup. I had 2 weeks of planning how I'm going to handle the situation, and thank you for your encouragement I feel like I've handled it well too.

 

The key is NC. I cannot tell you how RELIEVED I am that we are in NC completely. I mean, obviously I want him back. Forever. I love him. But since I cannot have him as much as it hurts to have lost him completely, it's much easier than having PART of him (as in, trying a pseudo-friendship) and opening wounds every time I see him.